‘Don’t feel sorry for me, please. I don’t need it – not anymore. All I’ve ever wanted in this life was to have my own family. And I’m going to have that. I just won’t have a husband. My happiness won’t depend on a man who can walk away whenever he wants.’
‘But instead—and don’t shoot me for saying this—’ Cam held up his hands as if to ward off her attack, ‘—you’ll be dependent on a child for your happiness. That’s a huge burden for them to bear. And it might not be all that healthy—for either of you.’
‘Oh, but Cam, I’m not expecting the child to perform for me, to entertain me. It’s just that I will finally belong to a family. To my family. And no one can take that away from me.’
‘And you’re happier this way?’ Cameron asked but she could tell it was more a statement than a question. Finally, he seemed to be realising that she knew what was best for her future.
‘Yes. I really think I am.’ She answered, smiling over at him.
They sat in silence for a while after that, watching as Tamara drifted peacefully through her sleep stages. Stacey stifled a yawn and was about to get up and make a coffee when Tamara momentarily aroused and rolled onto her back, drifting back into stage two. The k-complexes disappeared from her EEG and her EMG amplitude dropped away.
Almost immediately she started having trouble breathing, her nasal flow dropping in amplitude for several breaths and her oxygen saturation plummeting, only resolving with a brief EEG arousal. Within moments the tell-tale rapid eye moments commenced.
Stacey sat forward and saw Cameron do the same. They were both intensely focused on the screen as Stacey started manipulating the settings. They worked together to stabilise her breathing, sparking off each other. Stacey was glad he was there to help. As more complex breathing issues arose, his wealth of knowledge became invaluable. She’d never titrated on a patient undergoing chemotherapy before, but Cam had whilst he was in the States, and was aware of the complications involved.
A half hour after the REM period started, Stacey sat hunched in front of the laptop, her fingers unconsciously crossed as she waited to see if this latest pressure change would make the difference. The previous ones had made improvements, but the girl was still waking every thirty seconds. They’d taken a gamble this time, increasing the delta pressure beyond the normal limits, but Cam assured her that it was safe. She really wanted this to work for the girl she’d grown so fond of.
The lines flowed across the screen, maintaining their amplitude. Oxygen remained steady at ninety-eight percent. Her snoring had ceased, which were all good signs. There hadn’t been a rapid eye movement during the last five minutes of stability, though, which could suggest that the REM period was over and they wouldn’t be able to check these pressures until she went into this stage again.
There it was. The flicker in the EOG leads. She was still in REM. Stacey let go of the breath she hadn’t realised she was holding, and felt the tension ease in her chest.
Yes! They’d done it!
She looked over at Cam, and saw the same relieved grin she couldn’t move off her face, on his.
‘Nice work, Nurse Carter,’ Cam congratulated her, leaning back in his seat and running his hands down his thighs, stretching out.
‘Couldn’t have done it without you, Doctor Lewis,’ she mimicked his formal tone nodding her head towards him, but she couldn’t maintain the formal tone, and a grin split her face in two.
Stacey turned back to the computer screen, taking in the beautiful sight of Tamara’s even respiratory pattern. She inhaled and exhaled deeply, content. With the most severe period of sleep—supine REM—under control, Tamara should be able to sleep through with barely a problem.
Now that she didn’t need to concentrate as intensely on the patient, she became overwhelmingly aware of the man sitting beside her. They must have moved their chairs closer together without realising it, because their knees were almost touching beneath the desk, their body’s side-by-side. She shifted in her chair, infinitesimally putting more distance between them. The chair squeaked slightly as she moved it, grating in the quiet room. Stacey glanced across at Cam and found him staring at her.
‘What?’ she asked, tucking her hair behind her ear self-consciously.
He stared for a moment longer, his eyes roaming over her face before he shook his head.
‘Nothing. I just. . .it looks like you have everything under control here now.’
‘I think so,’ Stacey said, glancing back at the screen. ‘Fingers crossed we have smooth sailing for the rest of the night,’ she continued, holding up her crossed fingers to show him.
He nodded his agreement and looked back at the screen, tapping his fingers lightly on the desk.
‘Even if you don’t, you know what to do now. You don’t need me here anymore. So I guess I should get going then,’ he said, though he still didn’t move. Stacey felt a stab of disappointment at his words. Of course he was right. It was amazing he’d stayed as long as he had, because doctors weren’t usually around for the acquisition of the study. Stacey was extremely glad he’d been around tonight, but she couldn’t expect him to stay any longer.
‘No, these pressures seem to work for her. You should go home and get some sleep.’
‘Yeah, it’s been a long day,’ he said, rubbing a hand over his face. When he pulled it away she could see the fatigue lining his eyes that she hadn’t noticed before.
‘Have you been working all day?’
‘I took a break this afternoon,’ he answered, leaning his elbow on the table and resting his head in his hand, angling around so they were looking straight at each other.
‘Did you sleep?’
‘No. I. . .no I didn’t sleep.’ ‘You must be exhausted,’ she said, empathising with the feeling.
On impulse, she leaned forward and ran a finger lightly across one of the lines creasing out from his eye, trying to smooth away the tiredness. He closed his eyes, and she savoured the feel of his smooth skin beneath her cool fingers. His head turned, burrowing in to her hand. She cupped his face, her thumb stroking his cheek. He opened his eyes and she found herself staring, losing herself in the oceanic depths of his. He reached out and cupped her face, the same way she was touching him. His head rose towards hers, moving ever so slowly, giving her a chance to pull back if she wanted to. But she knew she wouldn’t. She couldn’t. Not when she could see the same desire she felt swirling inside his eyes.
Finally his lips brushed hers. Tentatively at first, tasting. He felt firm, but pliant— everything she’d imagined and more. He pressed deeper, slowly, as though he was controlling himself. She wanted him to crush her to him, she wanted to close the gap between them, to press every centimetre of herself to him. But she didn’t want to scare him. He slid the hand at her face around to the back of her head, burying it in the silky softness of her hair, holding her to him, like he was scared of losing her. He moved the other around to her back, finally pulling her tighter.
Stacey lost control. She ran her fingers through his hair, pulling him closer as his mouth plundered hers. Her body was alight, sensations like she’d never felt before searing through her. She ached with desire. Her breasts were tingling in anticipation, every part of her screaming out, wanting to be touched by him. She arched her body towards him, needing to feel his body against hers. It was awkward sitting in separate chairs and she couldn’t get close enough.
She stood and moved towards him, her hands on either side of his head, gripping his lips to hers. His chair swivelled and she stepped between his legs, leaning into him. He ran his hand down the length of her body and she melted, falling into him. His hands were beneath her legs, guiding her and before she knew it she was straddling him. She felt his firmness through the material of their pants and grinded herself against him, needing to be closer.
His hands were at her waist, one sliding beneath her shirt whilst the other secured itself around her buttock. Her breasts were heavy with want. Finally he reached them an
d she pulled her mouth back from his, groaning in pleasure against his lips. She arched into him, pressing her breast into his hand, her pelvis rubbing against his.
He trailed kisses down her neck as she leaned backwards. She shuddered, never wanting him to stop. She grabbed on to the shelf behind his head to help her get better leverage, but whatever she grabbed wasn’t stable. She opened her eyes as she began to wobble, her knees instinctively digging into him. Cameron’s hand slid from her breast to wrap around her waist, pulling her back towards him. They rocked for a moment, but managed to remain upright.
‘Are you alright?’ he asked, his voice ragged.
‘Yeah,’ she said, leaning her face against his to catch her breath. Gradually reality began to filter back in. They were at work. She was in the middle of a study. And she was straddling her colleague.
Not the best idea in the world, but damn, it sure felt good.
She wriggled around, enjoying the feel of him against her, and heard him groan. His hands trailed along her back, ever so lightly and she sighed. This felt nice. But she couldn’t stay here forever.
Reality abruptly returned when she opened her eyes and found herself staring at a row of green bedpans.
Eurgh! Definitely the wrong place to be doing this.
Reluctantly, she pushed herself off Cam, and began to tidy herself. He stood as well, running a hand through his hair.
‘So. . .,’ Cam began.
‘Yeah,’ she nodded. There were no words to describe the intensity of what had just passed between them.
‘I guess I’d better head off,’ he said, running his hands along the back of the chair.
‘Probably,’ Stacey said, vaguely nodding in agreement. Her body was still buzzing, alive after so long.
He took a step towards her, trailing a finger down her arm.
‘So, I’ll give you a call, yeah?’ He murmured into her hair.
‘Mmm-hmm,’ she agreed, nodding.
He picked up his briefcase and moved towards the door. She followed him, not wanting to say goodbye. He stood looking at her for a moment before leaning down, his lips caressing her ear. Shivers coursed through her body. She knew if he wanted her now, he could have her.
‘You might want to fix your hair,’ he whispered, and she could hear the smile in his voice.
‘What?’ she asked dazedly, her hand automatically moving to her head as he waved goodbye, closing the door behind him.
‘Argh!’ she screamed when she realised random clumps of hair had come loose from her ponytail and were sticking out at odd angles from her head.
She sat down in front of the computer, pulling a brush from her bag, re-doing her hair and replaying the kiss in her mind.
Her body had never, never, felt like this before.
She was all giddy inside.
Stacey felt her excitement bubble to the surface. Jumping up from the chair she did a little dance around the small room. She didn’t pay attention to the little voice telling her to stop, warning her that she was getting emotionally attached. She didn’t care. She felt fantastic for the first time in a long, long while. And this was only the beginning. She couldn’t wait for his call.
Chapter 6
He didn’t call.
Stacey was buzzing with excitement for the rest of her shift, looking forward to the weekend ahead. She kept checking her mobile phone, wondering if maybe Cam might even text her when he got home.
He didn’t.
She wasn’t sure she’d be able to sleep when she got back to her place that morning, but she managed it, crashing out almost as soon as her head hit the pillow. She awoke feeling groggy. Sunlight streamed around the closed blind in her bedroom, so she knew it was sometime in the afternoon. Her hand shot out to grab her mobile phone where it rested on her bedside.
No missed calls.
He was probably just waiting to make sure he didn’t wake her, she assured herself as she showered, taking care to wash her hair and shave her legs. Even though she hadn’t heard it ring, she still checked her phone as soon as she was out of the shower.
No missed calls.
He was just a very considerate person, she thought as she plucked her eyebrows. She grinned at herself in the mirror as she dressed. Hopefully that consideration would be evident in his lovemaking skills tonight.
She pottered around the house, keeping herself busy, trying to fool herself that she wasn’t sitting around waiting for the phone to ring.
It wasn’t that she liked him, she told herself. It was just a physical thing. She wasn’t breaking any of her new, self-imposed rules, if she kept it that way. And this urgency she had to see him was only to sate the physical desire he had awoken in her.
As afternoon turned into night and she still hadn’t heard from him she came to the realisation she’d be eating alone. Ignoring the disappointment she set about cooking herself a quick dinner. She hadn’t realised how much she’d been counting on his company.
After dinner she pulled out a book but couldn’t concentrate. She sat in front of the television, staring but not seeing, replaying every moment of last night. She shivered as she remembered the feel of him pressed against her, their mouths locked together, his eyes heavy with desire.
He was definitely going to call.
Stacey fell asleep on the sofa, waiting. Sometime after midnight she roused herself and staggered to her bed. She checked her phone again, but there was nothing.
When she still hadn’t heard from him the next morning, she considered calling him. But he’d specifically said that he would call her. She decided she needed to do something. She didn’t want it to seem like she’d been sitting around waiting for him when he finally did make contact. She rang a girlfriend and they went shopping. Stacey continued to check her phone every half hour, or less, to no avail.
Maybe there’d been some sort of accident, or an emergency at the hospital. Maybe he’d lost his phone. As the excuses ran through her head that night, Stacey knew she was clutching at straws. She just didn’t know what else to do.
Stacey was checking on a patient when Cameron walked into the room on his rounds the following morning. Her heart jumped into her throat when she saw him, her lips instinctively forming into a smile.
Surprise flickered in his eyes when he saw her. His gaze drifted down to her lips. She saw desire flare and felt the answering fire ignite inside her.
It didn’t matter that he hadn’t called. If this was just to be a physical fling, he didn’t need a reason, either. As long as he still wanted her, that’s all that mattered. Because, boy, did she want him.
Before she knew what was happening, a shield came down in his eyes, turning the molten desire into an icy gate, harsh enough to send a shiver down her spine. He nodded to her briefly in greeting before turning to the patient. When he’d finished with the check-up he curtly gave her his orders and left the room.
What was that all about?
She pondered the issue as she stood at the nurses’ station, completing some paperwork and watching him walk in and out of each patient’s room. Once he’d completed the rounds he came over to the nurses’ station, ignoring her and giving the rest of his orders to one of the other nurses before walking away.
Stacey shook her head in disbelief. Had that really happened?
She couldn’t believe the change in him, but she refused to spend any more time wondering. She ran down the corridor until she caught up with him just before he walked into the consulting room.
‘Cam!’ she called out before he closed the door.
‘Yes?’ he asked, turning around but keeping the door half closed, so only his head poked out.
‘Can we talk?’
‘I’m a little busy right now. I’ve got patients to see this morning.’
‘Consults don’t start for another half hour.’
‘I need to review the data,’ he said, but she could tell it was just an excuse. He was practically closing the door in her face. She’d never known him to
be so rude.
‘Are you okay?’ she asked, a little concerned now by the complete personality change in him.
‘Yeah, I’m fine. Just busy.’ The words sounded reasonable, but the tone was anything but.
‘Oh, okay, well, I just, um, I just wanted to talk about Friday night.’
‘You did a great job. I checked on her over the weekend and Tamara is doing well.’ So he’d been in to the hospital. Well, that wasn’t too bad. Maybe he’d been caught up here.
‘That’s good to hear. But, ah, that wasn’t what I wanted to talk about. I, we—,’ but Stacey was cut off when Ed, the director of the sleep lab, walked over to them.
‘That was a fine game yesterday, my boy,’ the genial older doctor said as he reached them. ‘We’ll have to have a rematch soon, though. I think I must be a bit rusty.’
‘What? Did you guys—’
‘We played a marvellous game of golf yesterday. A little spur of the moment, Cameron rang me Saturday to tee it up,’ the man laughed at his own pun. Cameron joined in, though the humour didn’t reach his eyes.
Stacey couldn’t laugh. She felt sick to the stomach.
Instead of ringing her, he’d organised a game of golf with his boss.
Really?
Stunned, Stacey had trouble believing it. As the two doctors continued to chat about different aspects of the game, though, she realised it was true.
Cameron had chosen golf with his boss over sex with her!
How could he? Was she really that bad? Had he been faking? The questions raced through her head. She tried to block them out, but couldn’t.
She’d been rejected.
Again.
Not here! Not here! Not here!
She chanted the words to herself in an attempt to stop the tears that were forming in her eyes. She needed to get away, fast.
Stacey made her excuses, keeping her voice cordial all the while her eyes shooting daggers at Cameron. She back pedalled out the door, somehow maintaining a controlled pace until she rounded the corner, and then she bolted for the bathroom.
A Life Worth Living Page 9
