He scribbled a note for Stacey, telling her he’d had to go into the hospital and he placed it on her bedside table. As he put the piece of paper down, he noticed the brochure lying there.
Known Donor Programme
Against his better judgement, he picked it up. Maybe he would have a read of it. He wasn’t breaking any promises by reading it, was he?
He didn’t have time now, though, so he shoved it into the pocket of his pants and leaned down to brush a gentle kiss across Stacey’s forehead. He locked the apartment on his way out and headed down to the car. With so little traffic on the road, he made it to the hospital in record time.
Adrenaline pumped through his veins as he ran up the stairs and through the ward doors, but as soon as he entered the room he knew it was too late. The registrar was standing next to Toby’s body, physically checking for a pulse even as the ECG signal on the monitor continued the monotonous buzz of asystole.
‘How long has he been down?’ he demanded as he walked in.
‘Ten minutes in here. But he arrested at home first. The paramedics managed to regain a pulse, but it remained weak. They put him back on Bi-Pap in the ED and moved him up here. Then he coded again, just after I got off the phone from you.’
‘Then what are you doing? We need to start compressions,’ Cameron whipped out at him, moving to the side of the bed and pumping up and down on the patient’s chest.
‘But he’s DNR.’
‘No, he’s not.’
‘Yes, he is,’ a watery voice, choked in tears spoke from behind him. He turned to see the boy’s mother, Lila Minor crumpled up in a chair against the wall.
‘But Lila, there’s still more we could do for him, we could—’
‘No. No more treatments, no more pain for my boy. He’s been through enough. If you kept working on him now, it would be for me, not him. I’ve been selfish, not wanting to say goodbye. What kind of life has he had? And if you managed to resuscitate him now, what type of life would he have after that? He’d be permanently hooked up to a machine, that’s what. He’s had more than enough of that for his short life. No. Stop what you’re doing and let my Toby go in peace.’
‘Are you sure that’s what you want?’
‘I’m sure. It’s time to let go.’
Reluctantly, Cameron took his hands off the child’s chest and stepped away from the bed. He called time of death, and watched as Lila took her son in her arms one final time. Cameron pulled all the tubes and wires off him, and Lila climbed into bed with her son, cuddling him close to her body.
The registrar started to discourage her, but Cameron shook his head, halting the words in the young man’s mouth. The mother needed her time to grieve.
They left her alone, walking out into the corridor where Cameron gave the registrar final instructions about calling the morgue, before he sat down and completed the death certificate himself. It wouldn’t have felt right, otherwise.
Cameron left the hospital after that, but he didn’t go back to Stacey’s. Not right away. Instead, he wandered down to the river and walked along its banks. Something Lila had said struck a chord, deep within him. It was a thought that had begun to emerge last night, when he was denying Stacey her request.
Was he being selfish? Was he clinging to the brief life—and death—of his child, hiding behind it so that he didn’t have to face life?
No. Instantly he denied the claim.
He was living life. Maybe not the traditional view of life with a wife and two point four kids but he was happy with what he had. He didn’t need a wife and child to make his life complete.
He was hiding behind his vow to Tyler, though, because Stacey had been right.
If he gave her a child, then removed himself from their lives and had nothing whatsoever to do with the child, then he wouldn’t be replacing Tyler in his affections. He’d be keeping his promise to his son, and making Stacey happy at the same time.
He pulled the brochure from his pocket and started reading through it.
If he did this, if he gave her what she most desired, he would lose her.
He wasn’t sure he was ready for that. He wasn’t sure he’d ever be ready.
Yes, he’d known their relationship wasn’t permanent. He’d known it would end the moment she fell pregnant. But somehow, along the way, he’d forgotten that.
And now, selfishly, he was hiding behind his vow to his dead son, denying her the child she wanted, all so he could keep her in his life on a casual basis.
That wasn’t good enough. Cameron, being happy at Stacey’s expense, was not good enough.
It was in his power to give Stacey what she wanted.
And somehow, making Stacey happy, had become the most important thing of all.
Stacey woke to a cold, empty bed. Cam must have left hours ago. Her stomach dropped, a fearful shudder running through her.
This is what it would be like if she chose her child, her family, over Cam. She would wake to a cold empty bed every morning.
The autumn sun was beaming through the blinds, the bright light illuminating the emptiness. She stretched her arm towards the bedside table to pick up her alarm clock when her fingers brushed against a slip of paper. She picked it up and held it in the air, blinking a couple of times until she could focus on Cameron’s distinct scrawl.
Called into the hospital. Will be back soon with breakfast.
A giddy sense of relief washed over her. He was coming back.
She rolled out of bed and checked the time. Twelve thirty.
Okay, so maybe not breakfast. But still, some form of meal.
Stacey hopped in the shower, letting the pounding heat of the water wake her up properly. Last night had been delicious. Her body still tingled from the memory.
Then she remembered why last night had been so delicious.
She loved Cam.
But she still didn’t know if she was willing to give up her future child for a chance at forever with him.
She didn’t have to make a decision today, though. She still had three months of waiting for her anonymous sperm donation appointment. Three months to think, to enjoy, to find out if he could love her too.
And then she would decide.
She heard the intercom ring as she was stepping out of the shower. She raced out to the hallway to buzz Cam up before throwing on a soft, green jersey dress.
Cameron breezed through, the smell of freshly baked bread wafting in with him.
‘I know it’s more like lunch than breakfast, but I’ve got croissants.’
‘Ooh, yummy,’ Stacey said as she felt her stomach begin to rumble. ‘I’m starved.’
‘Excellent. You just sit back and relax, and I’ll bring it out to you.’ Cameron ordered, then set about preparing lunch, completely at home in Stacey’s kitchen.
‘So, what did I do to deserve this?’ she asked as Cameron brought down a tray loaded with all manner of baked goods and a large chocolate milkshake from her favourite café.
‘You need to ask?’
Colour suffused Stacey’s face as highlights of the night before flashed into her mind. Okay, so maybe she’d been a little over the top. But it had clearly been appreciated.
‘Don’t worry, this isn’t just payment for a night of pleasure,’ Cam assured her laughingly. ‘This is a celebratory breakfast as well.’
‘What are we celebrating?’
‘Your child.’
‘That’s not funny, Cam.’ Stacey said, a pastry half-way to her mouth.
‘I’m not trying to be funny.’
‘Then what are you talking about?’
‘I want to make you happy, Stace. I’m going to give you what you want.’ Stacey felt her heart slow down for a moment, one loud thud reverberating throughout her body, before speeding up into over-drive. Could he mean it? Could he really mean what she thought he did?
‘I’m going to give you a baby.’
‘Really?’ Stacey asked, all the hope in her heart shining through
her eyes. This was more, so much more than. . .it was the answer to all her dreams!
‘Yes, really. I thought about what you said, and you were right. As long as I don’t know the child, have absolutely nothing to do with them, then I won’t be breaking my promise to Tyler.’
‘Oh,’ was all Stacey could get out around the lump in her throat. He was giving her what she wanted, what she said she wanted—last night.
But that was before.
Before she realised she loved him.
Before she’d realised that having his child, alone, was not what she wanted at all.
Yes, she wanted to have children with him, and grand-children, and great grandchildren, if they should be so lucky.
But most of all, she just wanted him. In her life. Forever.
‘I won’t be able to stay here, of course. That would just be too. . .No. I’ll be moving back to the States.’
Stacey’s heart sank at his words. If he wasn’t in the country, how could he grow to love the child?
‘Wait there, how would you go back? I thought you left your job-’
‘I’ll be able to find another job. That won’t be a problem.’
‘But I thought you liked it here.’
‘I do. I love being back here with my family, and I’m enjoying the work more than I thought I would. But I couldn’t give you this child if I stayed here. There’s no way I’d be able to live in the same city as a child of mine and not acknowledge them.’
Stacey’s heart melted at the sacrifice he was making. Surely that meant he loved her?
But even if he did, what difference would that make? He still didn’t want a child of his own.
Oh, how she wanted to have his child—to have her own little piece of Cameron. To have this family he was offering her; this baby that no one could ever take away from her.
And maybe, someday, Cam might change his mind and come back to them. Maybe if they went through with this, the idea would grow on him and he would decide to stay with them. The child could be the key to holding onto Cam forever.
No! What was she thinking? Using a child to lure the man in? Aghast at her thoughts, she knew she wouldn’t be able to accept his offer.
Because no matter how much she wanted his child, she would not, could not, use her child like that. And if she accepted his offer, she would end up doing that. As much as she would try not to, she knew somehow it would end up like that.
‘And, if you wanted, of course, we could tell my parents. I’m sure they’d love to be a part of the child’s life. And then this baby could have grandparents as well, and cousins, and aunts and uncles.’
Stacey held onto the fantasy for a moment longer, imagining the future Cameron was painting for her. It was more than she’d ever dreamed of for her child. More than she could supply if she did it all alone. There was one person missing, though. A person so vital that without them, the happy family he talked of would always seem empty.
‘But they’d have no father.’
Cameron paused, and looked at her, his confusion apparent.
‘That is your plan, though, Stace. All this time, you’ve been planning to have a child without a father.’
‘I know. I know that’s what I said. But I can’t have your child without its father.’
‘What do you mean? This is what you want. You asked me for this very thing last night.’
‘Stop, Cam. I know. This offer. . .it’s so incredibly generous of you. I know what it must have cost you to make it. But—’
‘But what? It’s everything you want.’
‘Not anymore, it’s not.’
‘Why? What could possibly have changed?’
‘I love you.’
Stacey closed her eyes after she blurted out the words, wanting to block out the horrified expression she knew, she just knew, would be on Cam’s face.
No, she had to face it. She had to give him the whole sorry reason that she couldn’t accept the most amazing gift that he was offering her. She needed to see his reaction. She needed to know, for certain, that he could never give her what she needed.
‘I love you, Cam. And yes, I still want your child. I would love to have ten kids with you. But I don’t just want the child. I want the fairytale. I want it to be you and me, raising the children together, living happily ever after. All of it. I want all of it.’
And as she’d expected, Cam was drawing back from her, almost unconsciously moving down the couch away from her as though whatever had possessed her might be contagious.
‘Stacey, I. . .I can’t give you that. . .I. . .’
‘I know, Cam. I know I can’t have you and the children. I can’t have both. So I choose you.’
‘What?’ Cam gasped, staring at her.
‘I choose you, Cam. I want you—always. I know that means I’ll never have a baby of my own. But you could be my family. You and I.’
‘But—’
‘No, no more buts. Say yes, Cam. We could do this.’ Stacey could feel all the love inside of her beaming through her eyes. She knew he could see it, could feel it. She knew he loved her. She knew it.
‘I care for you, Stacey, more than I thought I would care for someone again. But I can’t love you. I can’t—’
Stacey closed her eyes against the pain.
‘And it would never work. You know that. Deep down, you do. You might think you could give up your family now, that you won’t regret not having children. But you would. It’s part of who you are, Stacey.’
‘But—’
‘No, Stacey. I could never live with myself, knowing I’d denied you your chance to have children. I couldn’t. It’s that simple. You and me—we would never work.’
Silence reigned. Thick, pain-filled silence, as Stacey fought with his argument, tried to deny the truth. But she couldn’t. She wished, oh, how she wished she could. But she couldn’t.
‘I know, Cam.’ Finally, she whispered her understanding.
‘If things were different, if I was capable of giving you this, I would. You deserve everything in the world.’
‘Just not the one thing I want,’ Stacey said, her mouth forming a painful grimace. Cameron flinched as though she’d hit him.
‘I’m sorry, that was a low blow. I knew what I was getting into in the first place. It’s not your fault I want more than you ever offered.’
Even after her apology Cameron still looked green around the gills. She wasn’t sure he’d be able to move, but he was going to have to, because she’d reached her limit.
‘If you don’t mind, Cam, I need to be alone right now.’
‘Of course,’ he said, shaking himself out of his reverie.
Slowly he gathered up his belongings and made his way down the hallway to the front door. Stacey followed him down.
Cam opened the door then turned around, hesitating.
‘So, I’ll call you, then,’ he said, but she could tell he was only saying it because he wasn’t sure what else to say.
‘I’d rather you didn’t.’
His face blanched at her words.
Stacey stood in the open doorway and watched him walk out of her life. When he’d rounded the corner she closed the door, leaning against it, and finally the tears began to flow.
Chapter 10
Cameron left Stacey’s apartment in a daze. He got in his car and somehow, miraculously, drove home without incident, all the while wondering what had just happened.
He walked into his apartment, the emptiness closing around him like a cloying second skin. He sank down on the couch and lay there, staring at the ceiling. He pressed his fingers into his eyes when they began to sting.
Stacey’s face kept flashing up in his mind, her words echoing in his head, repeating in her husky, pained voice, over and over again.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
He tried plugging his ears with his fingers, but that didn’t block out her voice. He got up and turned on his music player,
blaring loud rock music through his speaker system, but his mind was throbbing with her words.
He went down to the gym and started pounding away on the treadmill, running faster and faster until finally he managed to block out her voice. He kept running until he could run no more. He returned to his apartment, showered and collapsed into bed, exhausted.
But there was no peace in his sleep. He dreamed her dream that night. He saw them as they could be, together, their child running around laughing, a girl with long brown hair and deep chocolate eyes. He saw himself picking his daughter up and spinning her in circles, her laughter filling his heart with joy. Then he saw her lying on the ground, her eyes blank, her skin deathly pale. He tried to wake her, shaking her, rubbing her chest, but she wouldn’t respond.
He was too late.
He tossed and turned, trying to get away from the image, but it kept coming back, haunting him.
He woke the next morning exhausted, his pillow soaked in tears.
Somehow he pulled himself together and made it into work. Stacey was there, her eyes slightly swollen, her composure looking as fragile as his felt. She gave him a tight little smile in greeting and then proceeded to treat him as she would any other doctor, as though what they’d shared had never been.
He got through the day, losing himself in his work—just as he had when he first lost Tyler. Work was the only thing that provided any lasting peace.
But that shouldn’t be right.
Because he didn’t love Stacey. He cared about her. He cared a great deal about her, but love?
He stayed at work as long as he could, but eventually he had to go home. As soon as he stepped through the door, the lonely emptiness swamped him, as it had the day before. He tried to ignore it, fixing himself some dinner and staring blankly at the television, but it was still there, a constant companion.
That night he dreamed the same dream again, the image of his dead daughter’s face haunting him through every sleep cycle.
The days began to blur together, each one the same as the next – working to the point of exhaustion, coming home to the lonely empty apartment. Occasional glimpses of Stacey, watching her laugh with a child, working next to her when she was in the ward, were the high points of his week.
A Life Worth Living Page 15
