“Dude!” Tab said, his voice squeaking slightly.
“Enough!” I snapped. “Thanks for the tip, but I’m not really in the mood to rub one out.”
“Cause we’re repulsive, right?” Rory asked.
“What? No! Look, I think I just need to go do something physical. Think that you could give me a ride to the gym?”
“Didn’t you just come from the gym?” Tab asked.
“Sure thing,” Rory replied. “But don’t overdo it. You did just totally slay a lord of the sith.”
“I’m going to head home and get to work on some stuff for Rory’s campaign,” Tab said. “But he’s right, please don’t overdo it. Coach will be hella pissed if you pull something while not working out for the team.”
“I’ll be fine.”
“Alright, see you guys later.”
Tab left the room and I walked over to my dresser to pull out some different workout clothes. Rory had flopped down on my bed and was scrolling through his phone.
“You need to change?”
“Bag’s in the car,” Rory said as he shoved his phone back in his pocket. “What else do you think Tab promised people?”
“Maybe some sort of naked pictures of you?” I suggested as I stripped off my shirt and grabbed a new one.
“Oh, god,” Rory said. “He wouldn’t do that.”
“I think we have already established that Tab will do a lot of things to get ahead. His competitive streak is worse than yours. Don’t worry, I’m sure that he didn’t go that far. Maybe promised you’d take someone to homecoming?”
“That would be pretty low of him.”
“Or he knows that you’re a genuinely nice guy that wouldn’t turn down anyone that asked him.”
“I hate the fact that you’re right,” Rory muttered. “Are you sure you want to get all sweaty again?”
“Very sure,” I said as I pulled up my new shorts. “You ready?”
We rode most of the way to the gym in silence. When we arrived, Rory went off to the locker room to change while I stalked over to the punching bags. I had used them to work off a fair amount of frustration before and hoped that this time it would be no different, despite the intense anger and guilt I felt. I pulled some gloves on and took a deep breath and then launched into a series of jabs and punches that had the bag swinging back and forth in no time.
That anger inside me ebbed and flowed. It would dull and then spike again. The more I pounded away at the bag, the more my emotional restraints started to buckle. That anger started to bring in other emotions, too: shame, regret, a feeling of helplessness. I slammed fist after fist into the punching bag, pretending that it was everyone who had ever hurt me or Noah.
And then something inside me snapped, like a damn finally broke. I started crying; ugly, uncontrollable sobs that had me shaking. I stopped hitting the bag and tore off my gloves, tossing them to the ground. Hot tears stung my eyes and ran down my cheeks.
“Henry? Henry, are you okay?”
I turned around to see Ryan striding toward me through my blurry vision. Quickly, I tried to wipe the tears away and make it look like I wasn’t completely balling my eyes out. Judging by the concerned look on Ryan’s face, I wasn’t very successful.
“Henry, what’s wrong?” Ryan asked again. This time he grabbed me by the shoulders and held me still, looking directly at me.
“Nothing.”
“I call bullshit,” Ryan said. “You know that you can talk to me about anything, right? I told you, I’m totally a safe space.”
I wanted to keep my mouth shut, I really did. But before I even knew what was happening, everything about Noah came spilling out. I told him about how I had seen him before he killed himself, sitting alone. I told him how someone had put his private videos online and all the horrible comments that people were leaving about the video. And I told him how guilty I felt for not being able to do a damn thing about it.
“I’m sorry to hear that,” Ryan said after I had finished talking. “But you know that you aren’t responsible for his choices, right?”
I sniffed and wiped a few lingering tears from my eyes. “I could have contributed to those choices. If I had I just reached out… I mean, I sort of know what he’s going through.”
“You feeling lonely? Depressed?” Ryan asked with a concerned look on his face.
“I’m gay.”
The words fell out of my mouth before I even really registered what I was saying. To make matters worse, I thought that I was going to burst into tears again, although I managed to hold myself together this time.
“So?” Ryan asked with an arched eyebrow. “You’re gay.”
“You don’t seem surprised.”
Ryan shrugged. “Maybe I’m not. I kinda had a feeling, but figured that you weren’t ready to talk about it yet. David thought the same thing.”
“David did?”
“Yeah, we talked about it before at dinner.”
“Dinner?”
“Henry,” Ryan said with a lopsided grin. “I’m bisexual and have been dating David for over a year now.”
“You’re what?” I blurted out.
“I’m bi,” Ryan repeated. “And David is gay. You seemed surprised.”
I was very surprised. Although I am ashamed to admit it, I never really figured that a gay guy would last long in the armed forces, which was ironic given the fact that I was giving serious thought to joining the Marines. I shook my head and realized those kinds of assumptions were exactly what was wrong with the world today.
“I mean, I guess I kinda am.”
Ryan guided me over to bench and we sat down.
“I had a tough time in high school, too,” Ryan said after a few moments of silence. “At least, until my grandfather gave me some advice.”
“Your grandfather was cool with you being bi?”
Ryan nodded. “Yeah, all of my family was. Anyway, when I was struggling to come out in high school, he asked me why I was so afraid to be called bi or gay. It was like those words carried some sort of instant stigma with them. So, he told me not to let those words have power over me.”
“Huh?”
“So what if someone calls you gay,” Ryan continued. “Fuck them. You give that word power. If you take away the power of that word, it means nothing. Not to mention the fact that you are ripped as hell. Screwing with you would probably not end well for them.”
I shook my head. I understood what he was saying, but wasn’t sure that I was all that ready to alienate myself from some of my classmates like that. But there was truth in what he was saying. I let that word have power over me. I let that word mean something derogatory or demeaning or something negative in general.
“I’m just not sure that I’m ready to face all that.”
“You don’t have to,” Ryan said, putting a hand on my shoulder. “Coming out is a deeply personal choice. You get to decide when and where you do it.”
“So, your grandfather made you come out? I mean, he inspired you to?”
Ryan gave me a warm smile. “Partly, yeah, but most of the inspiration came from my best friend. He was one of those nerdy kids in high school. He was cool as shit, although because he didn’t play any sports, stuttered, and was kinda introverted, people tended to feel awkward around him.”
I nodded. “But you didn’t?”
“Hell no,” Ryan said. “Austin had always been there for me. He still is. He was smart and really funny once you got to know him. No one really hassled him because he was friends with me, but there were other guys like that got shit all the time.”
“Kids are dicks.”
“Yeah, some of them are. Austin loved to read and he had a habit of quoting various authors and one day he said ‘Our deeds determine us, as much as we determine our deeds.’ He was trying to tell me that my actions help determine who I was. And I knew that I could make a difference. So, I came out.”
“Did it work?”
Rya nodded. “Yeah, sorta. I mean
some guys on the football team and baseball team refused to change with me in the locker room. There were a few other kids that freaked out about it and some parents got all concerned I was going to corrupt their precious angels. But none of that shit mattered when Austin looked at me and told me that he was proud of me. It made it all worth it.”
“And you and Austin are still friends?” I asked.
“The best,” Ryan answered. “He blossomed after high school, went to Drake and majored in psychology and business. He’s an FBI agent now.”
“An FBI agent?” I asked, unable to keep the surprise out of my voice. “That seems like a long way to go from a stuttering, introverted kid.”
“What can I say?” Ryan said. “He got some speech therapy and started working out in college.”
“I guess people really can surprise you,” I said, leaning back against the wall. I let out a loud sigh. “I just wish I knew what to do.”
“Does anyone else know?”
“Most of my family and Rory and Tab know,” I replied. “But that’s really about it.”
“And do you think that you coming out might do some good?”
I chewed on my lip and considered my response. Honestly, I wasn’t sure what kind of good it would do if I decided to come out. Well, other than being honest with my teammates and the rest of my friends.
I didn’t think that my story was all that inspirational. It’s not like I lost my two best friends or my parents kicked me out of the house or anything. Hell, it went as good as it possibly could have been. Well, unless you counted Davis, but I was still sure that he was going to come around eventually.
“Well?” Ryan prodded.
“I guess I don’t know. Watching those videos that Noah posted about feeling lonely and out of place sorta struck a chord with me. What if there are other kids out there that feel this way?”
Ryan nodded. “You’re probably right.”
“And if they knew that there were other kids that were cool with them just being themselves, they might not think about doing something so drastic.”
“And you think that it’s your responsibility?”
“I think if I can do something, I should.”
“Are you sure about that?” Ryan asked.
“You don’t think I should?”
Ryan shook his head. “I think you need to do what makes the most sense to you. Just remember to think about the consequences of your actions.”
I nodded. “Yeah, consequences. I should totally think about those.”
Of course, being a sixteen year old guy, I’d admit that thinking things that far through was not something that I often did.
“I’m not saying its a bad idea,” Ryan continued. “The world is both more accepting and more hostile at the same time.”
I couldn’t argue with that. Given the current political climate, people seemed a lot more open about embracing their hate and even more emboldened to say whatever they want to say, regardless of the consequences. But, even with that being said, overall I felt that Ryan was right about the world becoming a much more tolerant place.
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome, man,” Ryan said as he stood up. “Coming out, sharing your true self with the world. That has to be on your own terms and no one else's.”
Again, all I could do was nod.
“See you at practice next week.”
“See ya around, Ryan.”
I watched him walk away, still surprised at what he revealed to me. I never thought of Ryan or David as anything but two very heterosexual guys. I felt a momentary flash of embarrassment at allowing myself to be drawn into the same narrow-minded pattern of thinking that some of the rest of the world still followed. Of course, being gay didn’t mean that you couldn’t be special forces or a kickass athlete. I stood up and shook my head just as Rory came jogging over, his face streaked with sweat.
“You okay, man?”
“Fine… I think.”
Rory arched an eyebrow at me.
“I was just talking to Ryan,” I explained. “I sorta freaked out and he saw me and calmed me down some. Did you know he was bi?”
Now, it was Rory’s turn to look surprised. “Really?”
“Yeah, really.”
“Huh. I never would have figured that.”
“Neither would I.”
“So, what did you guys talk about?”
“Me coming out.”
“And are you going to?”
I glanced around before turning to face him. “Um, I honestly don’t really know. There is a part of me that thinks that I should, just in case there are other kids out there that are going through the same thing.”
“That’s pretty cool of you to think that way. What else did he say?”
“He said it was a very personal decision and that I needed to do it when I was ready and for reasons that make sense to me,” I said.
Rory considered my statement a moment before speaking again. “So, do those reasons make sense to you?”
“I wish I knew,” I said, sighing. “I really, really wish I knew.”
Rory put his hands on my shoulders and looked me directly in the eye. “You know what to do, you just have to have the courage to follow through. After all, do or do not. There is no try.”
I chuckled lightly. “Did you just quote Star Wars at me?”
“You know I did,” Rory replied with a lopsided grin. “And I mean it. Follow your heart, Henry. It’s what you’re good at.”
“Thanks, man.”
“No problem,” Rory said, releasing me. “Now, let’s get to the weights. I only have another hour or so before I have to meet Shawna at the soccer game.”
“Please tell me that you’re gonna shower first.”
“Duh. Now, let’s get a move on.”
CHAPTER 8
“Luminous beings we are, not this
crude matter.” ~ Master Yoda
I felt better after my conversation with Ryan, yet I still had no idea what I was going to do. Rory and I rode home in a comfortable silence and I thought about what Ryan said the whole way. I thought about what coming out might do to my friends and how it might affect both Rory and Tab’s lives. They said they were cool with standing by me, but that was before shit really hit the fan.
I wondered what it would do to my parents’ lives. I was worried about what Davis would say, although I could only imagine the amount of f-bombs that were going to come out of his mouth. I worried about my extended family. I worried about what my parents’ friends were going to say.
Despite all that, I kept coming back to the kids at my school. I wondered if there were any more like Noah out there who were struggling with something that they felt they couldn’t tell anyone else. I wondered how many of those kids were thinking about doing something unthinkable. A dull ache started forming in my chest at the mere thought of my school having to bury another student.
“See you tomorrow,” Rory said as we pulled into my driveway. “And don’t worry, Henry. You’ll make the right decision and whatever you decide, you know that we got your back.”
“Thanks, man,” I said. “See you tomorrow.”
I got out and shut the car door before heading inside. As soon as I opened the door, the smell of chili hit my nostrils. I followed my nose into the kitchen, where I found my mother standing at the counter, chopping some vegetables. She smiled when she saw me. However, she must have sensed a disturbance in the force because her face changed instantly into one of concern.
“Uh oh. Honey, what’s wrong?” she asked.
I shifted uncomfortably on my feet.
“You know that you can tell me anything,” she said. “Henry, talk to me.”
“I sorta lost it at the gym today,” I admitted, finally looking at her. “Ryan was there and he sorta talked me down. He also told me that he was bi.”
“As in bisexual?” my mom asked.
“Yeah.”
“Oh, I see.”
&nb
sp; “I told him I was gay.”
My mom’s eyebrows rose at that comment, although she said nothing else.
“He was really supportive,” I continued. “We talked about what coming out would mean and that I should do it only when I was ready to.”
“Ryan’s a pretty smart man,” she said. “Are you considering coming out at school?”
I took a deep breath. “Maybe.”
“Maybe?”
“Yeah. I also kept thinking that if there are other gay kids, or bi kids, or confused kids in school, that it might do them good to know that they aren’t the only ones. Maybe me being honest with everyone about who I am will be a good thing and prevent anyone else from doing what Noah did.”
My mother blinked back tears. “Honey, Noah was sick…”
“I know,” I said, holding my hands up to stop her from talking anymore. “I know that. I know that he was hurting and that he had something wrong in his brain, but you know what I also know? No one at school was there for him. Maybe, just maybe, if he had a friend he could have confided in, he could have been talked into the help that he needed,” I said, taking a deep breath. I forced back my own tears before continuing. “Coming out is my decision, but I sort of feel like I have to now.”
“You don’t have to be that guy.”
I turned around as my father entered the room.
“I know I don’t,” I said to my father. “But I want to. If I can do something, I should, right? I mean, if I can stand up, I should stand up.”
“Those are questions that sixteen year olds shouldn’t be asking themselves,” my mom said. She wiped her eyes and looked over at my father, then back at me. “Honey, we’ll support whatever decision that you make. If you want to go through with this, you should be prepared for people to freak out. Not everyone is as tolerant and understanding as they should be.”
“She’s right,” my dad added. “Not everyone is going to like this.”
“Especially Davis,” I said with a grimace. “He’s going to really freak out over this.”
“Davis loves you and he’ll get over it,” my mom encouraged me.
“There’s something else. I think that I’m finally going to post those videos Ryan does of me at the dueling competitions. I know it’s weird, but maybe it will show that other kids that they aren’t the only weird ones.”
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