It's on Us

by Matthew Burkey-Gilchrist

  “Just prepared for what people will say,” my dad cautioned. “Henry, this is a big step, and we want you to do it for the right reasons. Coming out needs to be something that you want to do.”

  “Yeah, I know. But I think Rory and Tab will be pretty supportive all this, and Ryan told me that he’d be there if I needed him, too.”

  “And you’ll always have us,” my dad said, right before he wrapped me in a bear hug. My mother came out from behind the counter and joined us. We held each other tight for a few moments before separating.

  “How do you think that Davis is going to take this?” I asked.

  “He’s staying over at Jake’s,” my dad said. “But I think that you should probably tell him first before you go announcing it to the world. Speaking of that, how are you going to do that? I mean do you come out on Facebook? Twitter? Instagram?”

  I laughed, feeling myself relax slightly.

  “Um, well I have that YouTube account that I have never used, but yeah, those other platforms will work, too.”

  “Which one is that?” my mom asked.

  “The Queer Jedi,” I said. “I changed the name shortly after I came out to you guys. I was always going to use it to share my competition videos, but, well, Tab sort of talked me out of it. I think it’s time to use it.”

  My dad chewed on his lower lip for a moment. “Henry, that might be dangerous.”

  “Don’t worry,” I said, already anticipating his argument. “I won’t tell anyone where I live, I promise not to wear any school shirts or anything, and I’ll do all the filming in a place that they won’t be able to trace it back to.”

  “I don’t know about this,” my mom said. “There are an awful lot of weirdos and creeps out there.”

  “I promise that I’ll be careful,” I said. “I really want to do this. Please.”

  They exchanged a knowing look and looked over at me.

  “Then I think you should,” my dad said. “Under a few conditions. First being that we see all the videos that you post and you give us access to the account. And number two, anyone makes any kind of threat to you on there or anywhere and we shut the whole thing down and contact the police.”

  I nodded in understanding. I wasn’t worried about my parents having access to my YouTube channel. They already made it clear they could check my phone whenever they wanted, although they hadn’t yet followed through on that threat. I didn’t really have anything to hide. At least, not on YouTube.

  “And you need to talk to Davis first,” my mom said, gesturing at me with her knife. “He’s probably going to go ballistic, but you owe it to him to at least be honest with him. We’ll handle any of his temper tantrums.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Do Rory and Tab know that you are going to do this?” my dad asked.

  “Not yet. I was thinking about having them come over later and break the news to them.”

  “I think that’s a good idea. You’re going to need their support,” said my dad. “They’re good friends, Henry. They’ll stand by you.”

  “Yeah, they are pretty amazing.”

  “Alright, enough of this for now,” my mom said as she gestured toward the chili. “Let’s eat. After that, you should probably shower, you kinda stink.”

  Dinner was amazing and afterwards, I texted Ryan and thanked him for the inspiration. He seemed really happy about the fact that I was finally willing to share my competition videos. He was also happy that I was going to take a stand for those that couldn’t and again, reiterated the fact that he was available anytime to talk and lend a shoulder to cry on. I thanked him and then jumped into the shower.

  By the time that I got back to my room, both Rory and Tab were already inside. Rory was lying on my bed, flipping through a comic book, while Tab sat in my desk chair, tapping away on his phone. They both looked up at me when I entered.

  “Hey, guys.”

  “Yo,” Tab said, shoving his phone back in his pocket. “What’s up?”

  “Yeah, man,” Rory said. “Your text was pretty cryptic.”

  I took a deep breath and braced myself for their reactions. I knew that they were both going to be supportive, but I wasn’t sure just how supportive. I had a feeling that Rory would throw himself behind me one hundred percent, but Tab, well, he was harder to read. I knew that he would stand behind me, but I had a feeling that he wasn’t going to be as vocal about that support as Rory was.

  “So, I decided that I want to come out.”

  Tab’s face screwed up in confusion. “But you already did come out.”

  “I mean at school,” I said, flopping down on the bed next to Rory.

  “You want to come out at school?” Tab asked.

  “Yeah,” I answered. “I think I’m ready for it.”

  “I think that’s amazing,” Rory said, clapping me on the shoulder. “And you know we totally have your back, man.”

  “Wait a second,” said Tab, holding his hands up. “You went from not wanting anyone on the team to know to wanting the whole school to know in a manner of days? And do you think that’s a good idea? I mean, especially after Noah’s video.”

  “Which they already took down,” Rory added.

  “Yes, I think it’s a good idea because of Noah’s video. He talked about feeling isolated and alone. No one should have to feel that way.”

  “You don’t have to solve the world’s problems, you know,” Tab retorted.

  “Stop being a dickhead,” Rory snapped.

  “It’s not about solving the world’s problems,” I said, ignoring their verbal sparring match. “But it’s something that I feel like I have to do. You both said that you were going to be supportive. I need to know if you really meant that.”

  Rory and Tab said nothing for a few seconds and there might have been a moment where I thought they were both going to get up and walk out of my room. However, one look at their faces and I knew that wasn’t the case.

  “I told you before,” Rory said, giving my arm a squeeze. “I got your back.”

  “Me too,” Tab said with a nod. “I got your back, too.”

  I closed my eyes and let out a breath I wasn’t even really aware that I was holding.

  “Good, because there’s something else.”

  “What else could there possibly be?” Tab asked with a panicked look on his face.

  “I’m going to tell people what I do for fun. You know, the lightsaber dueling thing.”

  Tab groaned and slapped a palm to his forehead.

  “Oh, stop being dramatic,” Rory snapped, glancing over at Tab. “What’s the big deal? He’s good at it. Plus, watching him flip sideways and all that shit is pretty cool.”

  “I mean, I get wanting to come out,” Tab said. “But do you really want to share all your secrets? I mean, there are assholes out there that are going to make fun of you for being gay, and then there are assholes that are going to make fun of you for doing the lightsaber thing, and then there are assholes that are going to make fun of you for both.”

  “So eloquently put,” Rory said, rolling his eyes. “I thought you said that you were going to be supportive?”

  “And you’re supportive of all that?” Tab asked, waving his hands vaguely around in the air. “I mean, of Henry pretty much baring his soul to everyone?”

  Rory propped himself up on his elbows and gave Tab an annoyed look. “Just knock it off already. Henry wants to do this, and we’re going to support him doing it. Got it?”

  “Alright, fine, fine,” Tab said, holding his hands up in surrender. “So, you’re going to throw the closet door open and jump out. Exactly how are you gonna do that? Walk around at school with a giant rainbow on your back?”

  “For fuck’s sake!” Rory snapped, shooting Tab a murderous glare. “I thought you were going to be supportive!”

  “I’m being serious,” Tab said again. “Really, how are you going to do this?”

  “I had thought about that,” I answered, hoping that he would calm d
own some. “Since I am going to be showing videos of me at meets and everything, I thought maybe I could do it on my YouTube channel.”

  “You have a YouTube channel?” Rory asked. “I never knew that.”

  I shrugged. “I didn’t ever put anything on it.”

  “Does this channel have a name?” asked Rory.

  “The Queer Jedi,” I answered.

  “Now, that actually sounds marketable,” replied Tab.

  He appeared lost in thought for a moment and sat there tapping a finger against his chin. This generally made everyone nervous because Tab thinking that hard usually resulted in some highly complicated, ill-conceived plan.

  “Uh oh,” Rory said, sitting up a little straighter on the bed. “He has plotting face.”

  “Huh?” Tab asked.

  “Plotting face,” I explained. “It’s this look you get whenever you are plotting something.”

  “And it’s usually something that goes very wrong,” Rory added.

  “First off, I don’t plot anything,” Tab argued. “I plan things. Planning is totally different than plotting.”

  “Are you sure about that?” I asked.

  “Very, very sure.”

  “What did your parents have to say about all this?” Rory asked, rolling over onto his side.

  “They said it was my decision and if I wanted to, then they would be totally supportive of it. They were even cool with the whole video thing, as long as they got to supervise and have access to the account.”

  “And what about Davis?” Tab asked with a quirked eyebrow. “He isn’t exactly handling this part of you being out all that well. How do you think that he’ll do when he finds out that you are going to out yourself to the world?”

  “It was bound to happen sometime,” I replied with a shrug. “And he’ll just have to get used to it. It’s not like I am going to get ungay or anything.”

  “I don’t think ungay is a word,” Rory pointed out.

  “Pretty sure that isn’t a word,” Tab agreed.

  I rolled my eyes. “Well, you know what I mean. I am going to tell him before the first video goes out. I might need your help with that.”

  “The video?” Tab asked.

  “Yeah.”

  “We can totally help with that,” Rory said with a smile on his face. “So, you’re just going to make this video and put it out there?”

  “Yeah, pretty much. Maybe I could offer a spot for anyone to meet that wants to talk,” I said, shrugging my shoulders. “Besides, the way that information spreads around school, I figure it won’t take long for everyone to see it.”

  “That is also a very good point,” answered Tab. “So, you make the video, announce that you’re gay, and then give anyone that feels lonely someplace to come talk?”

  “Yeah, I guess.”

  “You know that assholes like Hunter aren’t going to let this go, right?”

  “I’m well aware that Hunter is an asshole,” I answered, rolling my eyes. “And as for anyone else, let them say what they want to say.”

  Tab seemed most annoyed by that suggestion. “You say that now, but what about when someone calls you a faggot?”

  That word hit me like a physical blow. I had never heard Tab use that word before and it invoked a deep sense of shame and embarrassment. It also sent a jolt of anger and rage right through me and I was on my feet before I was even fully aware of what I was doing.

  “Don’t ever say that word again!” I snapped, stabbing a finger at Tab.

  Though me and my friends rarely came to physical blows, at least in a very serious sense, I was tempted to punch Tab right in the face.

  “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Tab said back peddling away from me. “I didn’t mean it. You know that, Henry, but you kinda proved my point. You can’t react that way in school.”

  “He only reacted that way because his friend just insulted him,” Rory said, getting to his feet next to me. “And screw you for testing it like that.”

  “I already said I was sorry!” Tab pleaded. “Come on, Henry. You know that I didn’t mean it!”

  It took me several seconds to form a response but after looking at Tab, I mean, really looking at him, I knew that he was being honest. Tab may not be entirely too fond of me being out, but he was not a bigot.

  “Alright,” I said after taking a deep breath. “Fine, you’re forgiven. I just really need you both to support me on this, okay? I mean you’re my best friends. I need you to have my back.”

  “We got your back,” Rory said, putting a hand on my shoulder.

  “Totally got your back,” Tab said as he stepped closer to put a hand on my other shoulder. “Are you going to tell the team the same way?”

  “You mean with the video?”

  Tab nodded.

  “Um, actually I was going to bring up at practice tomorrow.”

  “First practice back after summer break, huh?” Rory asked.

  “Might as well jump right in,” I answered. “I mean, what could possibly go wrong?”

  “Oh, a ton of things,” Tab said. “But why worry about that now?”

  “I’m sure most of the guys won’t care,” Rory said.

  “Easy for you to say. You're not the one who has to explain to everyone that I’m not standing around checking out their dicks.”

  “Well, we know you’re checking out one person’s dick,” Rory said with a grin.

  I groaned and felt myself turn red. I sorta hoped that they forgot about my crush on Danny.

  “I’m not telling him that I like him like that.”

  “Are you telling anyone that you like them like that?” Tab asked.

  “Nope.”

  “When do you want to do this?” Rory asked.

  “I need to talk to Davis first. I mean he’s going to go totally and utterly ballistic when he hears about it.”

  “Think that will change your mind?”

  I shook my head. I could already hear the conversation and I knew that it was probably not going to go well. Maybe Davis would surprise him and be super supportive. Then again, the possibility also existed monkeys might come flying directly out of my ass. All that aside, I had my mind made up. It was the only way that I would ever feel right with myself. I needed to be honest about who was.

  “No, but like I said before, he deserves to know.”

  “Maybe you should get him drunk first,” Tab suggested. “That might smooth things over.”

  “And just where in hell am I going to get alcohol?” I asked.

  “Oh, I know a guy,” Tab said.

  “You do not know a guy,” Rory said.

  “I totally know a guy.”

  “I don’t care if you know a guy,” I said, interrupting them and hopefully cutting off a debate that would get us nowhere. I also filed this information away for later, you know, just in case Tab really did know a guy. “I’m just going to sit him down and tell him the truth. The worst thing that he can do is what he’s doing now, which is practically ignoring me.”

  “Are you sure that’s the worst thing he can do?” Tab asked.

  I took a deep breath and nodded. “I’m already going to bare my soul to the world and let everyone in on my embarrassing secret. There’s not much that I can do beyond that.”

  “That is also a true statement,” Rory said.

  We sat in silence for a few moments. “Look, I need to do this, okay?”

  “We know that,” Rory said with a nod. “And we’re gonna back you up.”

  “I know that.”

  “Just let us know if anyone gives you shit, man,” Rory said.

  “Have you seen his biceps?” Tab asked, giving my arm a squeeze. “I mean I’m all for backing him up, but I’m pretty sure he could handle himself in a physical fight.”

  I smiled, despite the rather serious nature of what Tab was implying.

  “Oh, I know he can,” Rory agreed. “Maybe we’ll just provide crowd control.”

  “I am not planning on gettin
g in any fights,” I pointed out. “That would be stupid and royally piss off my parents. And probably get me kicked out of school, which wouldn’t exactly help me help those kids that feel lonely or isolated.”

  “Stop making sense,” Rory said. “It’s creepy when you do that.”

  “Okay, okay,” Tab said. “We have more important matters to attend to.”

  “More important than Henry coming out of the closet?” Rory asked.

  “Yeah, more important than that,” Tab answered, rolling his eyes.“Did you forget that you’re running for class president?”

  “And how does that factor into this?”

  I shrugged in agreement with Rory. I really didn’t see how me coming out was going to affect his run for class president. Generally speaking, most bullies tend to focus on the one person that stood out, which was totally going to be me in this situation. Although Rory and Tab were in gymnastics, they didn’t have any other weird hobbies or pastimes.

  “You’re worried that Henry coming out will screw with my chances of getting elected?” Rory asked. He made a face that was a cross between majorly pissed off and extreme annoyance. “I don’t care about that, Tab, and neither should you. Hell, maybe that will be my platform. You know, sticking up for the little guy.”

  “Henry’s hardly little,” Tab pointed out. “But, no. Actually, yeah. I think I can work with this.”

  “I am more than slightly disturbed at how much he’s starting to think like a spinmaster and politician,” I said, looking over at Rory.

  “You and me both. man.”

  “I have to go,” Tab said, walking toward the door. He stopped and put a hand on my shoulder, giving it a squeeze. “And I meant what I said. I’ve got your back, man.”

  Tab opened the door and closed it behind him.

  “Do you think that he’s serious?” I asked once I heard Tab bound down the stairs.

  “About which part? Spinning it so it will make me look good or about having your back?”

  “Both?”

  “That wouldn’t surprise me,” he said.

  I took a deep breath before looking over at Rory again. “This is going to change everything, isn’t it?”