Chapter Four: Back from the Dead
Nichole
I know Luke’s talking, but I have no idea what he’s saying. His words are muffled, and I’m focused on finding Lorraine in the crowd. I stand on my tiptoes, but I can’t see over the crowd of people.
“Nichole, what is it?” I feel someone touch my arm and it forces me to look. “What is it? Talk to me.”
Blinking a few times, I stutter, “I… I… I just saw Connor’s birth mom.”
“Are you sure?” he asks, still making eye contact.
“I’m positive.” I thought she was dead. The news reported she died of a drug overdose. How can this be? My attorney, Chase, Ava’s husband, confirmed she was dead. I have a copy of her death certificate at home. I know what I saw. I know without a doubt that was her, but how? Then it hits me why she’s here. “Oh, my God! She’s here for Connor,” I cry. “I have to go. I can’t let her have him.”
“Okay, calm down. I’ll get you there. Let’s talk to Drew, and then we’ll call Skylar and Ava so they know to keep a close eye on him.”
“I can’t let her have him. I can’t give him up.” We walk slowly as I continue to scan the crowd.
“You won’t have to. Is Chase still your attorney?”
“Oh, God. You don’t think I’ll need one, do you?”
“I don’t. But I think he needs to know what’s going on.”
The outside bar is small and crowded. I try to look past the crowd for Drew, but it’s useless; I can’t see anything. We stop in the middle of the crowd, and Luke asks, “Do you have your cell phone?” I dig into my pocket and hand it to him. “I’m going to call Drew and see if he’s even here today, and if he is, maybe he can meet us somewhere.” I nod, still searching the crowd for Lorraine. “Do you have his number in your contacts?”
“I do, Both Ava’s and Skylar’s are in there, too.”
Luke
I call Drew and tell him we need to see him. Next, I call Skylar and her phone goes to voicemail. Then, I call Ava and she answers quickly: “How’s your date going?”
“Ava, it’s Luke.”
Her tone changes. “What’s wrong?”
“Is Connor there with you?”
“Yes, he’s playing with the twins. Why? What’s happened?”
I don’t want to panic her, but I’m not sure what to say. I’ll need to tell her the truth. “Nichole and I are at Tybee Island, and Nichole said she saw Connor’s birth mom.”
“Wait? What? That’s impossible. She’s dead.”
I don’t know what to say. If Nichole says she saw her, I believe her. “Is Chase right there beside you?”
“He is.”
“Tell him what I told you, lock the doors, and keep a close eye on Connor until we get there.”
“Where’s Nichole?”
“She’s right here. We’re going to see Drew and then we’re leaving.”
“Luke?”
“Yeah, Ava.”
“Watch Nichole and keep her safe. If Lorraine’s alive, she could be dangerous. It’s hard to tell what she’ll want.”
“I will. We’ll be there soon.”
It makes me wonder if the black Jeep I saw in the parking lot isn’t the Jeep I saw driving around the bakery, and if the Jeep isn’t owned by Lorraine. I wish I had paid more attention and got the license plate number. I keep Nichole’s phone in my pocket. We make it to the back of the bar where Drew instructed us to go. An older man is there waiting for us. He nods to me and then looks at Nichole and asks, “Nichole, what’s going on?”
“Hi, Daniel. Lorraine’s here. I saw her with my own eyes.”
“Are you sure it was her?” he asks.
She looks away from the crowd and focuses her attention on the man. “I know it sounds crazy, but Connor’s in danger. I need to get to him.”
“Stay here. Let me relieve my son. Drew will be right here.”
When Drew walks out, he has two bottles of water. “Mom’s coming to help Dad, so I can go to the inn with you guys.” He doesn’t ask Nichole what happened, and he doesn’t ask her if she’s sure it was really Lorraine she saw. I’m grateful for that. She doesn’t need people thinking she’s seeing things or that she might be going crazy.
“I have my motorcycle,” I say. “Drew, can you take Nichole with you and I’ll follow behind?” She looks up at me and I don’t want her to think I’m ditching her. “You’ll be safer in his car,” I say to Nichole.
“Yeah, sure,” she says. “That’s no problem.”
When we pull up at the inn, Nichole waits for me before she walks inside. She takes my hand and interlocks our fingers. I don’t know if she does it out of fear, or if she even realizes she’s doing it. It feels good to be this close to her. We get inside and everyone looks concerned. They rush up and hug Nichole before she can introduce me to Chase.
After the introductions are made, Chase hands me a beer and Nichole a glass of wine. Nichole runs up and visits with Connor before she fills everyone in on what she saw. I barely know Nichole, and I know almost nothing about her background.
I stand at the bar in the kitchen and when Nichole enters the room, everyone takes a seat. I continue to stand. I feel in a better position in case something happens.
I feel like an intruder. I hear bits and pieces of her previous life, and it’s like putting together a jigsaw puzzle. Now I understand why she’s so private and reserved. “You can’t stay at the bakery. She has probably been stalking you,” Ava says.
“We can’t stay here. She’ll suspect that for sure.”
I decide to speak up. “You and Connor can stay at the house with me. There’s a chance she doesn’t know me or where I live.” To make things clear, I add, “I have two bedrooms that you both can have and I’ll take the sleep sofa.”
Nichole stands and says, “Luke, no. I can’t put you out.”
“I wouldn’t offer if I didn’t want you there.”
“I think it’s a great idea,” Skylar says. “We’ll need that address before you leave.”
When it’s decided that Nichole and Connor will stay with me, I go home and get the house ready, while Chase takes Connor and Nichole to the bakery to get a few things.
I quickly load the dishwasher, change the sheets on my bed, and vacuum. I’m not a slob, but I did want everything looking and smelling fresh for when they get here.
Later that night when Connor’s in bed, Nichole and I sit up and talk. Dale guards the outside of Connor’s bedroom. He lies on the floor and sleeps, awakening to the slightest noise.
“This isn’t how I thought the day would end,” she says.
“I’m glad you decided to stay.”
“I know you were able to piece together some things at Ava and Chase’s house, but there’s some things you need to know about me. Things that might change the way you feel about me.”
I soften the look on my face. “I’m not worried that whatever you have to tell me will change my mind in the slightest.”
“I was married for many years to a man who beat me.”
I give her my undivided attention, making sure not to interrupt.
“I stayed with him because I thought it was best for my son. I feared that if I were a single mom I wouldn’t be able to give him the life I wanted for him. Little did I know that my one and only son was learning his father’s bad habits.” She sniffles but continues. “As time went on, my son Connor started physically abusing me, too.”
My jaw twitches with rage and I try to control it.
“I tried to leave. The first time I threatened to leave, Brett threatened to kill my parents. Then as the years passed and my parents passed away, Brett would threaten to kill our son.” Tears stream down her face. “I believed him. I knew he would do it. He cared for no one but himself.”
I want to comfort her, but I think she needs to say this. I put my hand to my face to hide the twitching in my jaw.
“
The beatings throughout the years got worse. The injuries took longer to heal, and the things that would anger him were minor. He’d go into a rage over such things as lint on his suit jacket.”
I fist my hands.
“Connor met Ava, and he started abusing her soon after their marriage.”
I want to stomp and beat the shit out of the walls, doors, and the cabinets. I want to hold her and tell her it’ll be okay. But she hasn’t finished telling me her story. How does Lorraine come into play? I need to know. I lean against the kitchen counter, while she remains seated at the kitchen table.
“It wasn’t until after Connor’s death and after Ava came out of her coma that we both learned about little Connor.”
I had no idea Ava was battered.
“Lorraine showed up at Ava’s house when Connor was a baby, demanding a portion of Connor’s life insurance.” She sniffles and wipes away her tears. “Newspaper reports claimed that Lorraine died of a drug overdose shortly afterward. There were rumors that my husband and my son could have both fathered her child.”
“And D.N.A. revealed he belonged to your son?”
“That’s right.”
“And now, here she is.”
Her lip quivers. “Yes. My fear is she will want him back.”
“Do you know why she would fake her own death?” Still standing at the counter, I watch the sadness on her face.
“She left a suicide note saying my husband was abusing her and it was too much for her to handle.”
“And neither you nor Ava ever knew of her until a couple years ago?”
“Lorraine was Connor’s paralegal at the law firm where he worked. It’s the same law firm where Chase worked. I wasn’t allowed to leave the house unless Brett was with me. And during this time, Ava suffered from amnesia caused by the accident that killed Connor. She didn’t have any idea of an affair between the two.”
I want to ask her about the accident that killed Connor and left Ava in a coma and later with amnesia, but I don’t. That isn’t important right now. “You have full custody of Connor, right?”
“I do. I later adopted him and then I changed both our last names from Emerson to my maiden name, Anderson.”
“The bakery’s closed tomorrow and Monday, right?”
“It is.”
“Let’s hang out here for the next couple days, and hopefully Chase can find something out.”
“You don’t want us to leave?” she asks sadly.
I walk over to the table and offer her my hand. She stands and I open my arms for her. Once I hold her tightly, I say, “No, not at all. I want to learn more about you. I want to learn your likes and your dislikes. Everything they did to you is not your fault. I don’t blame you for that and you shouldn’t blame yourself either.”
“Thank you, Luke.”
I shouldn’t, but when she rests her head on my chest, I kiss the top of her head. She smells so good and she fits perfectly into my arms. I wish there was something for me to say to put her at ease. My mind races with what she was telling me of her life and the abuse she endured. Anger builds in my body like a fire out of control. I can tell she isn’t broken now, but I’m sure that during most of her life, she was nothing but a shell. I need to go slow; I need to let her know I’m not either of those men. My actions will have to speak for me.
She releases our embrace and wipes away the tears. “I’m heading to bed but I want you to know how grateful I am for your kindness.”
She’s grateful for my kindness? I don’t know what to say about that so I say nothing. “I hope you sleep well, Nichole.”
She leans up and kisses me on my cheek. “Good night, Luke.”
“Good night, Nichole.”
Although I’m surprised when she goes to bed in little Connor’s room, I shouldn’t be. She probably feels like she’s the only one who can and will protect him. I decide to sit up and have another beer. Sitting at my computer, I decide to do a search for “Brett, Ava, and Connor Emerson.”
The accident that caused Connor’s death was intentional. There’s very little mention of Ava other than she was in a coma and when she awoke she had amnesia. The photos of the wreckage are horrific. I’m not sure how anyone could have survived that.
I find a few articles about Brett next. I read the most recent articles first. I read about his death being ruled as an accidental drowning, the restraining order and charges that were filed prior to that from Ava and Chase, and the miscarriage he caused to Ava’s unborn child after he beat her outside of the inn. I close my laptop. I’ve read enough. I’ve seen domestic violence first hand. My mother didn’t survive her injuries, but Nichole did. How does a person live through that? And then to raise a grandchild that her husband could have fathered? Death? It almost doesn’t seem fitting for that bastard to just die. Maybe he suffered before his death? If he did, he didn’t suffer enough. He didn’t hurt enough, not after what he’s done to others. It’s hard for me to imagine the degree of the injuries the duo caused to Nichole. I didn’t see any physical scars on her. Maybe the abuse wasn’t as bad as I’m imagining. But she did say she had stitches fourteen times. It’s hard for me to admit that the abuse is probably worse than I could ever imagine.
I pace the floor as my mind races with my own demons. The time I’ve spent in active war. The lives I’ve wanted to save and couldn’t. The men I’ve killed in order to not be killed. Life is not perfect and today was just another reminder. I’ll make it my mission to protect little Connor and Nichole from the people who could hurt them. They deserve to live a life free of fear and pain. Thank God that little Connor is too young to know or remember anything.
When the beer isn’t strong enough, I open the bottle of Jack Daniels.
I walk through the house, double checking the locks on the doors and the windows. When Dale hears me, he stands from the doorway of Connor’s bedroom. “Stay here, boy.” He sits down and obeys me. “Good boy.” I walk outside, closing the door behind me.
I call my sister, Angie, to check on her, before calling Chase. I won’t be sleeping tonight, and I doubt Chase will be either.
“Chase here,” he says in a near whisper.
“It’s Luke Tanner.”
“Give me one minute.” I wait as I hear shuffling through the phone. “Sorry, I didn’t want to wake Ava.”
“Were you sleeping?”
“Are you kidding? No, I’m working.”
“I figured as much.”
“Can’t sleep either?”
“No, I got a preview of Nichole’s life. It was a living hell, to put it nicely.”
“I’m surprised anyone made it out alive.”
I down another shot and walk off of the porch towards my truck. I don’t want Nichole to hear. “Look, I need to know, is there anyway that Lorraine could be alive?”
“She was pronounced dead at the hospital and there is a death certificate.”
“I believe Nichole when she says she saw her today at the beach.”
“Oh, I do, too. How much of Nichole’s past do you know?”
“Not much. I know her son and husband were some sick bastards.”
I can hear more shuffling on his end of the phone. “Ava just told me tonight that Connor had a doctor on call to treat her injuries.”
Running my hands through my hair, I say, “God, you can’t be serious.”
“And a dentist.”
They were some twisted sons of bitches. “Let me guess, the doctor was the one who pronounced Lorraine dead at the hospital?”
“I didn’t reveal this to Ava or Skylar, but yes. Only you and Drew know this.”
My mind runs with reasoning. “Why would he do that? What does a doctor have to gain from doing that?”
“Your guess is as good as any. I’m in the process of locating him now.”
“Do you think he’ll admit to any wrong doing?”
“I think it’ll be hard to deny it.”
“Military intelligence. Can’t go wrong with that. I’ll keep you posted.” He pauses before asking, “How are Connor and Nichole?”
“They’re sleeping. She’s very protective of him. I think she’s scared, but she guards her feelings well. She wears this mask… it’s hard to explain.”
“I’m married to her ex-daughter-in-law. Ava’s the same way. Stick with her. She’s amazing and she’s been through so much.”
I have no plans of letting her go. “Thanks.”
As soon as I hang up the phone, I get a call from an unknown number. “Tanner here, state your business.”
“My business is Nichole and little Connor. How are they?”
Her voice always brings a smile to my face, even in the dark moments. I look at my watch and it’s after 3:00 am. I doubt anyone is sleeping tonight. “They’re both in bed, Skylar.”
“She might be in bed, but she’s not sleeping.”
I know she’s right. “Hopefully, she’s able to rest.”
“I hope so.”
“Can’t sleep?”
“No. I wanted to tell you I’m proud of you for what you did today.”
What I did today? “I’m not following.”
“You didn’t run out on them. You stepped up to help them and I appreciate that.”
“It never crossed my mind to leave either of them,” I admit.
“She’s amazing, right?”
I see a light come on in the bathroom. “Yeah, she’s pretty incredible. Can I ask you something?”
“Sure, you can ask me anything.”
“How bad was it for her and Ava?” I’m not sure why I want to know. I’m not even sure I want to know.
There’s a pause before she answers. “I don’t know everything, but I do know this.”
“I’m listening.” I can feel the veins bulging from my neck.
“I had to know, too. I kept bugging Ava to tell me. I was strong, I knew I could handle it.” She pauses. “I don’t even know if I should be telling you this.”
“I need to know how bad it was.”
“All I know is that as a form of punishment, Ava and Nichole were forced to care for the other person’s injuries.” My stomach coils at the twisted thought. Like what? Broken bones? Stitches? Dressing changes? “Not just injuries, their most severe injuries.” Closing my eyes, I try to imagine the torture they lived. Nothing I’m imagining can touch their nightmare. “Luke, there’s one more thing you should know.”
“I’m here.”
“Ava threw up after telling me. She couldn’t finish her story, so I stopped asking. Their torture is beyond anything you and I could ever imagine.”
Nichole
I can’t sleep. I toss and turn as I try to figure out how Lorraine can still be alive. What does she want? My fear is she wants Connor. I can’t let him go. I won’t let him go. He lies in bed beside me, sleeping peacefully. I twirl his curly hair between my fingers.
I thought when I left Lake City that I had left my demons behind me, but Brett followed me here and now his mistress is here. Little Connor’s mine. He’ll always be mine. I may not have birthed him, but I love him as my own.
Lying in bed awake, I’m not sure what to do. This is Luke’s house and I can’t stay here. We’ve gone out only a few times. We’re not even in a relationship. Tomorrow’s Sunday and it’s usually a day when I do my baking. It’s my and Connor’s day to spend with just the two of us. I have a business I need to run, and I need to be able to produce fresh baked goods, if I want it to continue to be successful.
Connor and I need to return to the bakery. There’s no other way around it. When we’re not opened, I’ll keep the doors locked and keep him in the house with me. I’ll also need to withdraw him from preschool. I need to keep him close so I can keep a close eye on him. I’ve lived like a prisoner before, I can do it again. But is it fair to him? If it keeps him safe, it is.
A light shines into the dark room from beneath the bedroom door. Not sure if Luke’s still up or if he left a light on for Connor and me, I quietly climb out of the bed in order not to disturb Connor. I step over Dale, who raises up when he hears me. If I didn’t know better, I would think he’s guarding over Connor. Can dogs sense danger and fear? I pet him to show my appreciation, and he lies back down in the doorway. Making my way into the bathroom down the hall, I look into the mirror. I hate the frightened girl staring back at me. My past floods me, reminding me that I’ve failed myself and I’ve failed my adult son, Connor. I’m glad Brett’s dead. My son grew into a monster like his father. I’m sad my son’s gone, but he’s in a better place. Maybe he’s been forgiven for his sins and he flies high with the angels. After what he did to Ava, he also deserved death. It’s hard to admit that, because he’s still my son and I love him and miss him. I don’t love the man he turned into, but I love the baby and the young boy he once was.
I wash my face before walking out into the kitchen. I feel like an intruder in someone else’s home. I hate not being in my own space. In the morning I’ll thank Luke, and Connor and I will return home. It’ll be best for the both of us. I don’t want to live in fear, and I don’t want little Connor to know fear. This will also be best for Luke.
I get a glass and fill it with cold water. Luke isn’t here; he must be in bed. Sitting at the table, I try to figure out what I’ll say to him. I’m sure it’ll be a relief for him when Connor and I leave. He’ll thank me one day when he realizes the mess that’s been my life. He’ll be thankful that this relationship didn’t go any further.
I’m sitting at the table when Luke walks into the kitchen. He smiles when he sees me. Closing the outside door behind him, he asks, “Can’t sleep?”
“I was about to ask you the same thing.”
“No, this isn’t unusual for me. Insomniac here.”
“Me, too.”
I watch as he pulls up a chair across from me. “Are you hungry?”
Am I hungry? “Yeah, I guess I am.”
“Are you in the mood for pancakes?” Before I can answer, he stands from the chair and says, “I make the best blueberry pancakes you’ve ever tasted.”
“Sounds great.” My mind drifts back to my childhood. On Sunday, my Dad always made pancakes and sausage. He said it was his only day of the week to pamper his favorite girls; girls being Mom and myself. I stand from the table. “What can I do to help?”
“Nothing. Sit there and watch and learn.”
I giggle. “Watch and learn?” It’s the first time I laughed since I saw Lorraine earlier. “You do realize I’m a pastry chef, right?”
He looks up over the refrigerator door and laughs. “Oh yeah, I forgot. Take a load off and enjoy being catered to.”
Being catered to? Have I ever been catered to? Not since I was a child living in my parents’ home.
“Coffee?” he asks.
“Sure.” I watch in delight as he maneuvers gracefully around the kitchen, being extra careful to not wake Connor. “Can I help you with the coffee?”
“No, you’re company. Just sit there and look pretty.”
I look down at my black yoga pants and my white long-sleeved tee-shirt to hide my blushing red cheeks. Pretty? Did he just call me pretty? Brett called me many things, but pretty wasn’t one of them. I do what Luke says and remain seated, too embarrassed by his compliment to say anything else.
Once he serves the pancakes, bacon, and coffee, we eat. He’s right. These are mouth-watering and they are the best I’ve ever had.
“Good, right?” he asks while I’m still chewing my food.
I hold up a finger, indicating to wait for my reply. He laughs and takes a large bite of his own food.
“These are delicious. How did you learn to make these?”
“My mother. She was an amazing cook. She thought I was going to be single for the
rest of my life. When she was alive, she used to teach me to cook. My father and my sister, Angie, are also great cooks.”
“I’m sorry about your mother.” It’s off topic, but every time I hear about a death, it makes me sad, and I feel the need to voice my sympathies.
“Thank you. But anyhow, that’s where my culinary skills came from.”
“These are delicious. What else can you cook?” I ask, trying to change the subject.
“Don’t you mean what can’t I cook?”
“It isn’t just breakfast food?” I ask, shoveling a bite into my mouth.
He laughs. “No, I think the only thing I can’t make is anything I need to use a rolling pin for.”
“Well, lucky for you, that is my specialty.”
“Lucky for me, indeed.” There’s that blush again. “Tomorrow, I’ll make us Western omelets for breakfast.”
I was going to wait to tell him, but I think now is the right time. “About that. I thought Connor and I should return home tomorrow.” I look at the clock on the wall; it’s after 4:00 a.m. “I mean head home today.”
He sets his fork down on his plate and takes a drink of his coffee. He watches me over his coffee mug, never saying a word. He lowers his mug and interlocks his fingers. His posture is perfectly straight.
“I’d like for you both to stay here. At least until Monday evening.”
“Thank you. I appreciate that. But I need to get some baking done today or tomorrow. Sundays are a baking day for Connor and me. We both look forward to it, and I really hate to get him out of his routine.”
“I understand. What if you bake in the daytime and return here in the evening?”
“Why? What difference will it make?”
“It’ll give me peace of mind knowing you both are safe.”
“Luke…”
He interrupts. “Please. Let me do this. Just until Monday. If you still want to leave on Monday, I won’t argue with you.”
I’m frightened, but I can’t admit that to Luke. Connor depends on me to provide for him, to give him security, and to keep him safe. I’ve worked hard to give him a routine and a good life. I’m afraid that Lorraine can destroy that life. I’m scared that she’ll come in and take him away from me. But I also can’t run and hide. I can’t always be a prisoner in my own home, in my own body. I need freedom, Connor needs his freedom.
“Okay, but I need to go over there today and work. I need to keep Connor on some kind of routine.”
“I understand. Thank you.”
“Thank you and these are delicious,” I say, taking the last bite.
“I know.”
We both laugh.
The next morning, Connor and I dress and leave to go to the bakery. Luke is outside dressed in his work clothes. A trailer is hooked up to his truck hitch; on the trailer are a riding lawn mower, a power washer, and some other pieces of equipment I have no idea what they are.
“Are you working today, too?” I ask.
“I thought I would. I’ll take you and Connor home since it’s on my way.”
“Sure, that would be great. Thank you.”
Connor throws a ball and tells Dale, “Catch it.” Dale does. I want to correct him and tell him it’s called ‘Fetch it,” but I don’t. I’ve corrected him plenty of times in the past.
I remove the car seat from my car and put it in the back seat of the truck. Dale climbs into the bed of the truck while Luke stands behind waiting for me. When Connor’s secured in his seat, Luke opens the passenger side door for me. He’s so polite and always a gentleman.
“Thank you.”
“My pleasure.”
I buckle up as I watch him walk around the truck. I look around the street and it’s quiet. No traffic, no noisy neighbors. It’s just a leisurely Sunday morning.
The drive there is a quiet one. I have more anxiety than I thought I would. Searching the streets and the people for a blonde-haired woman, I try to calm my nerves with some useless breathing techniques. Have I really thought this over? What will I do if I see Lorraine? How will I handle it if Connor’s there with me? Will he remember her? Does he miss her? What if she tries to take him away from me?
“Are you all right?”
I look over at Luke and try to smile. “I’m fine.”
He reaches over and holds my hand. “I’m here.”
Should I feel so much comfort from a man I barely know? No, but I do.
When we pull up at the bakery, Rachael’s car is parked in the driveway. I let out a puff of air. “I forgot to call her yesterday.”
“I think Drew was going to call her for you.”
I search my purse for my cell phone. “Where’s my cell phone?” I try to remember the last time I used it.
“I used it to call Chase yesterday when we were at Tybee Island.”
“I didn’t get it back from you?”
He reaches into his glove compartment and hands it to me. “I didn’t want to forget to give it to you.”
“Thank you. I feel bad I didn’t call my best friend.”
“After all that happened, I think she’ll understand.”
I try to turn my phone on and it’s dead. I make a mental note to charge it when we get into the bakery.
“What happened yesterday?” Connor asks.
Luke looks over at me.
“We spent the night at Luke’s house.” It’s not a total lie.
“Oh, yeah. Can we do that again? It was fun.” Just before I answer Connor, Rachael and Daniel walk out of the bakery. “Aunt Rachael and Uncle Daniel. Yay!” he squeals.
Luke parks, and Rachael and Daniel walk up to the truck. Luke steps out of the truck and shakes Daniel’s hand.
Rachael opens my door and hugs me as soon as I step out. “I’ve been so worried about you.”
“I know. I meant to call.”
Speaking softly so Connor can’t hear, she says, “Is it true that you saw Lorraine?”
“I’m afraid so.”
I open the door to get Connor out of his car seat. “Hey, Connor. I missed you,” Rachael says over my shoulder.
She hugs him as soon as he gets out of the truck. Luke and Daniel walk around the vehicle and I can see the concern in Daniel’s eyes.
“I’m fine,” I mouth.
He nods before he focuses his attention on Connor. Connor hugs him next.
“What are you guys doing here?” I ask.
“We came over to help out with the baking,” Daniel says.
“I’m sorry I didn’t call.”
“What are you sorry for? You had a lot going on.”
I introduce Daniel to Luke although I think they’ve already met. When Luke leaves, I bathe Connor before I shower. Like every other Sunday, Connor and I gather in the bakery for breakfast and a day of fun-filled baking. Daniel and Rachael are still here. I remember that Luke said he can’t make anything that you need to use a rolling pin for. I decide today I’ll be baking pies among other rolled-out pastries.
“I thought he said he was working today?” Rachael asks, looking out the window.
Tying my apron, I walk over to the window to see who she’s talking about. Luke is outside, edging the sidewalk and the parking lot. “He did. He didn’t say he was working here. I had assumed he was working on his new house.”
“I’ll keep Connor inside while you go out and talk to him.”
“Thank you.”
Luke
I continue to work although I can see that Nichole is walking toward me. I was hoping to go unnoticed, at least until I was done.
“What are you doing?” she asks, looking up and down the street.
“Working,” I reply, shutting off the lawn edger. I look her up and down and smile when I see what she’s wearing. “Cute apron, by the way.” I reach up and lightly touch the ruffles near her shoulders.
“I thought you were working at the house today?”
“Did I
say that?”
“You did.”
“I am working at a house.”
“Are you about done?”
“Why?” Is she kicking me out?
“I was going to invite you in for pie in about forty-five minutes, after I make it.”
“You’re making pie?” I wipe the sweat from my brow. Is she doing this because I said I can’t use a rolling pin?
“I was thinking about it.”
“I have some things I want to finish up, and then I would love to come in.” I look down at my clothes and say, “I may need a shower first.”
“You’re fine just the way you are. What kind of pie do you want?”
“Whatever you make, I’ll eat it.”
She turns to leave and says, “This was your plan all along, wasn’t it?”
I can’t lie to her. “It was.” I’d do anything for pie. No. I make jokes. My plan was to stay here all day and work, not get pie.
“Thank you, Luke. You’re very kind to Connor and me, and we’re both thankful for everything you’ve done for us.” Her eyes are full of gratitude.
Touching her arm softly, I say, “Whatever I can do to help you, it’s my pleasure. I want to help you. I want to be here for you.”
“Why?”
Why? Because I care for her. Because I care for little Connor. “Because you deserve to have someone to care for you and look after you. I want to be that person. I want to keep you safe.”
She looks embarrassed. “I’ve never had this before. It’s been a long time since anyone wanted to protect me. I’m not sure what to say.”
I carefully and slowly lower my hand to hold hers. “Either say yes or say nothing. I want to be here for you… for you both.”
She leans up and kisses me on my cheek and whispers “thank you” in my ear. I wanted more than a peck on my cheek, but I’ll take whatever she gives me. I want to be more than just her bodyguard, and I know after everything she’s been through, it’ll take some time. She’ll need to trust that I won’t hurt her. Knowing she’s worth it, I’ll take all the time she needs.
“I’ll be in shortly,” I say.
I watch as she walks back into the bakery. Before getting back to work, I decide to call Chase. “Chase, it’s Luke. Have you heard anything about Lorraine or the doctor who pronounced her dead?”
“I have a lead. Let me call you back in a few.”
“A lead on Lorraine or the doctor?”
“The doctor.”
I get back to work as I continue to scan the area for a blonde-haired woman or a black Jeep. Daniel comes out and offers to help me while Dale sits on the front porch of the bakery, keeping guard. After the lawn is cut and edged, I power wash the building. Connor sits on the ledge of the window seat inside the bakery and watches us. I spray the window and although I can’t hear him, I can see him laughing. As soon as everything is done and loaded back on the trailer, Daniel, Connor, and I play fetch with Dale. It isn’t until Chase pulls up that I become concerned. I look at Daniel and he also has a concerned look on his face as he watches with interest as Chase gets out of the car. I pick up Connor and walk over with Daniel to greet Chase.
After the pleasantries are made, he asks, “Is Nichole in the house? I’ve tried calling her, but my calls go to voicemail.”
“She is. Her phone was dead earlier, so that might explain why it’s going to voicemail. She’ll be glad to see you.” Looking over at Daniel I say, “You walk in with him, and I’ll stay outside with Connor.” I have no idea what he has to talk about, but I’m sure it’s something Connor shouldn’t hear.
“Gladly.”
Before they make it to the door, Nichole is standing on the small porch, waiting. Concern fills her eyes. My first thought was to stay outside, but I think I need to be in there with Nichole. Connor and I walk into the house after Chase and Daniel.
Nichole lightly touches my arm. “I’m glad you’re here. Let me put Connor upstairs to play, and then I’ll be right back.”
“That’s a good idea,” Chase says.
I watch as Nicole and Rachael remove their aprons and rush upstairs with little Connor.
I want to ask what he discovered, but I don’t. Nichole needs to hear it first. I stand patiently as everyone remains quiet. Several things run through my mind as to what he has to say.
Rachael comes down the stairs and stands next to Daniel. Nichole sits in the chair across from where I’m standing.
Chase doesn’t stall; he gets right to the point. “I located the doctor who signed the death certificate for Lorraine.”
“What did he say?”
“He committed suicide yesterday. His wife arrived home and found him in the garage. The car was running and he had a hose going from the exhaust to inside the car with the windows rolled up.”
Nichole sinks into the chair. “We still have no answers.”
“He left a suicide note for his wife and letters for several other people.”
“I understand the suicide note, but who are the other people he wrote letters for?”
“After I talked to his wife, she told me to call the police department to see if I could find out anything. She said the police took the letters. To make a long story short, one of the letters is for Nichole Emerson.”
My first thoughts are people commit suicide from depression. They eventually lose their battle with depression. But why would he write notes or letters to other people? Out of guilt? Shame? Embarrassment? To right his wrong?
“I don’t understand,” Nichole says softly.
“I wish I had the answers for you. I thought it would be best to ride to Lake City and pick up the letter today, or if you want they can mail it to you.”
“I agree,” she says. “I think the sooner the better. I’m eager to see what his dying words were.”
“You should be aware that whatever he wrote to you, the police have already read.”
“Good. If he forged people’s death certificates, the police should know.”
“You’re right,” agrees Chase, who is sitting beside her. Daniel, Rachael, and I remain standing. “There’s something that you need to know about the doctor.”
“What’s that?”
“The doctor who committed suicide and signed off on Lorraine’s death certificate is also the doctor who was on Brett’s payroll.”
I can see her hands visibly shake on the table. She interlocks her fingers as she tries to steady them. Tears fill her eyes as she remembers him.
When she doesn’t say anything, Chase says, “I’m more than happy to drive you there today.”
“Now?” she asks.
“I told Ava I may be awhile. Skylar and Drew are there to help with the twins.”
Rachael says, “Nichole, Daniel and I will be happy to keep Connor.”
Daniel adds, “We know to watch him carefully, keeping the doors and windows locked at all times.”
“Thank you. I hope you understand when I say I need to keep him with me. It’s not that I don’t trust you…”
“No, you don’t need to explain. We understand.”
She looks up at me and says, “I’d like for you to come with us. That is if…”
“It’d be my pleasure.”
“Daniel and I will stay here and clean this up, and then we’ll head home.” Rachael walks over to Nichole and adds, “Please, if you want to talk about anything, you can call me anytime.”
Nichole stands to hug her. “I know. Thank you so much for being my friend. I love you like a sister.”
Nichole
On the drive to the Lake City Police Department, I sit in the back with Connor. Daniel and Rachael offered to take Dale home with them until we get back.
As we get closer, my mind races with what is in the letter. What could that doctor have to say? Sorry I treated your injuries secretly and didn’t report your injuries to the authorities. Sorry about signing off on a live woman’s dea
th certificate. Sorry I helped in making your life a living hell. My mind races with the many different times I saw this doctor in my own home; the last time is the most vivid. I was unconscious in the beginning, but days later I remembered. I remember Ava being there as the doctor was teaching her about dressing changes. I remember Ava crying and shaking as she did what she was told. She had to or she would get these injuries next. Brett and Connor didn’t mess around. I remember the doctor trying to talk Brett into sending me to the hospital. The doctor said I may not make it. Brett didn’t care. It was one of many times I prayed for death. Ava was throwing up at the sight of the wound. I knew it was bad. I knew this would be a life changer for me, if I did survive it. I was thankful the injuries weren’t on my face. Every day I prayed for death. Every day during the months of in-home recovery, I prayed for Ava to kill me. I wanted death; in fact, I welcomed it.
I didn’t know that the doctor who failed to help me was also the same doctor who pronounced Lorraine dead. I saw the name of the death certificate and I never once put the two together. I’m such an idiot. I should have known. I got a copy of Lorrain and of Brett’s death certificates. I thought one day Connor would want to see it.
“Are you ready?” Chase asks.
I hadn’t realized we were already here.
“I’ll keep Connor out here.” When I pause, Luke says, “Don’t worry, he’s in good hands.”
He stands and opens the door for me while Chase watches and waits. “Luke, she’s from this area. She may be watching us.”
“Trust me, Nichole. If she is here, she’ll have to get through me to get to him. Go ahead and take care of this. I promise I won’t let anything happen to him.”
With this reassurance, I leave with Chase to claim my letter.
After showing proper identification, I sit in the corner of the room holding the re-sealed envelope in my hands. Chase sits quietly beside me. Taking deep breaths, I opened the taped envelope slowly.
Mrs. Emerson,
Being called Mrs. Emerson turns my stomach.
I’ve done things as a doctor that I am not proud of, and I am truly sorry. I can’t forgive myself, so how can I ask you to forgive me? I wrote many letters tonight, yours being the last and the most difficult. The nightmares I have of seeing you lying there covered in blood and gore haunt me. I know this is God’s punishment to me.
How dare that monster mention God. I know the images he’s talking about. I’ve tried for years to forget them. They’re branded into my brain, into my skin, forever. I wipe the tears caused by the memory.
I have something I need to say to you before I end this nightmare that has become my existence. I’ve falsified someone’s death certificate. This woman is indeed alive and well. Much like you and me, she was under Brett’s spell. She couldn’t escape her living hell. At the time, I thought this is a way for me to do something right, to do something good for someone. If Brett believed she was dead, he couldn’t hurt her. He couldn’t turn her son into a monster like… others who followed his lead. She wouldn’t end up like you, scarred for life. Not just the scars you see everyday, but the ones hidden in your head. The ones that haunt you in your sleep.
I know he’s talking about my only son, Connor, being the monster under Brett’s spell. I wish more than anything I had left and taken my son far away. Any life we lived would have been an improvement. If only I was as smart as Lorraine. I did beg, but it wasn’t enough. The doctor only looked away and ignored my pleas. More tears fall. I know the physical scars he’s talking about. He saw them and wouldn’t report them. He saw my pain and offered me nothing. I wanted to die. I prayed for death. I begged Ava to end it for me. I didn’t want to wake up and live another day. Steady tears flow.
She bribed and begged me to do the right thing. Sadly, it’s because I pronounced her dead that she was able to live. I couldn’t save you, and I wish I had. If I was braver I could have stood up to Brett and your son, but I couldn’t. I was nothing but a puppet, and they were my master. By the time I found a morsel of the man I once was, it was too late to help you. You were gone, seeking refuge far and away from here. You survived what others couldn’t. Lorraine, on the other hand, I could help. Brett was taking her down the same path you once walked, stumbled, and crawled. Frightened and afraid for her and her son’s life, she begged me to help her and to save her son. Her cries mimicked your own. She worried more for her son than she did for her own life.
I know this doesn’t change anything for you, but maybe it’ll make a difference to her and her son. Maybe they’ll be able to move forward in some way. I’m sorry it was too late for me to help you.
And just like that the letter ends. My worst nightmare is now a reality. Lorraine’s alive and she wants her son. When the letter slips from my hand, I’m startled. I remain still as Chase picks it up and reads it. My mind races with how this will end. I’ll lose little Connor. It isn’t until I cry uncontrollably that I feel someone touch me.
I don’t know how, but I walk outside with Chase. I try to control my thoughts and my crying because of little Connor. I can’t let him see me like this. What was I thinking bringing him here with me? I guess I was hoping for better news. I had to bring him with me. I can’t trust others to keep him safe. No one else loves him like I do. No one else will risk their life to save his. Luke said he’ll keep him safe. But how far would he go to save little Connor? Would he die so my grandson could live? I would. Without even pausing for one second, I would give my life for his.
What can I do? Run. I have enough from my and Brett’s divorce to move and start over. Is that the answer? To take little Connor someplace new where we can never be found? I can’t bear the thought of losing him. “I can’t lose him, Chase.”
“You won’t. We need to get home, then we can talk. I have an idea.”
Before we get to the car, Luke is standing outside, holding little Connor tightly. He looks so small next to Luke’s massive size. Luke is well over six feet tall, making little Connor look even smaller than he really is. I dry my tears and put on a fake smile. It’s not the first time I’ve faked happiness. I don’t talk to Luke, I can barely look at him. Chase opens the back door, and I climb in. Luke carefully places Connor in his car seat and fastens the seat belt.
“Are you all right?” he whispers.
“I’m not.” I look up into his dark eyes, “Chase has something if you want to read it.”
He nods before closing the door. I can see them talking although I can’t hear what is being said. I open a book and read it to Connor for a distraction. God knows I need a distraction. Although my lips are moving to the words in the book that I know by heart, I’m planning my and Connor’s escape in my mind. I can’t let Lorraine have him. I can’t live without him. I need him as much as I need my next breath. Without him I would die.
When we finally arrive back to Savannah, Connor is sound asleep. On the drive back, no one talked about the letter or about Lorraine. We did talk about going to the zoo and what kind of party Connor wanted for his third birthday. His birthday is still a couple months away. I just went along with them. I can’t commit to something when I have no idea where we’ll be in four months, three months, or even next month. I do know I can’t expose my grandson to the public. I need to keep him safe. A tear slides down my cheek followed by another and another. As quickly as I swipe them away, more fall. How can I keep him captive? That’s no way for a small child to live. He needs to be able to attend school and to play outside without the threat of his biological mother snatching him. I can’t risk her trying to reclaim him, legally or otherwise. I can’t lose him. I won’t lose him.
When we stop the car, while I am still in a daze, I remove little Connor’s seat belt. I hug him tightly on my lap. Smelling his hair, I calm myself as much as I can. He’s my strength. He’s my security. He’s what’s been missing from my life. I need to do the right thing for him. Whatever that may be. He deserves the best that life has to offer
him. I look out the window and see the bakery. I’ve worked so hard to create a home for Connor and me. This was my job security. If this place is threatening for Connor and me, I’ll leave it. I’ll walk away from it and think nothing about it.
I’m glad we’re here and not at the inn or at Luke’s place. I need to think and pack in private. My mind races with things I need to do. I’ll need to get Connor out of here as quickly as I can. Lorraine will come and want Connor. Judges like keeping children with their moms and dads. Even if the better decision is to place the child with a loving grandparent, judges will side with the mother. They won’t look at everything I’ve done for him, they’ll see only that she’s his biological mother and I’m just the grandmother. Tears fall and I let them. I can’t lose him. I won’t lose him. It’s too painful to think about. I can’t bear that kind of pain. The pain that rips right through your heart and cuts deep into your soul. The kind of heartache that never heals but has no visible injuries. Just a broken heart you can feel to your core, but can’t see.
“We need to talk,” Chase says, opening the car door.
I walk to the apartment over the bakery. “Here, let me carry him for you,” Luke says, reaching for him.
“No, I got him.” Looking through blurred vision, I’m surprised to make it there without tripping and falling. I’m filled with emotions, but I don’t let them show. Other than the tears, I remain calm. I have cried silently many times before. In my mind, I’m planning our escape, just like I have done in the past. But before, it was just me leaving. Now I have a little boy I need to think about. I’ll leave this time and not just chicken out at the last minute. I won’t let history repeat itself. Connor and I will be gone before anything else can happen, before Lorraine can come and claim him.
I follow Chase into the apartment and into Connor’s bedroom. I lay him on top of the comforter, and cover him with a throw blanket from the chair in the corner in his room. I kiss him and twirl his curls with my finger. I love his curly hair. I love his smell. I love everything about him. He’s perfect. I can feel Luke and Chase watching me. I just want to climb in bed and savor every moment with him. I want him to know how much I love him. I never want him to wonder if he was loved, or how much he was loved.
Forcing myself to stand from his bed, I check the locks on his second-floor bedroom windows. It seems ridiculous, but I have to know he’s safe. Then I follow Luke and Chase into the living room.
We all sit down and Chase starts first. “I don’t think Lorraine’s here to take Connor.”
I lift my eyes to meet his. “What?”
“I just reread this letter from that doctor again and if what he said is true, I don’t think she’s here to claim Connor.”
I can feel hope in my heart. “I read the letter, I didn’t get that.”
He hands the letter to Luke who reads it before handing it to me.
The doctor wrote, “Brett was taking her down the same path you once walked. Frightened and afraid for her and her son’s life, she begged me to help her and to save her son. Her cries mimicked your own. She worried more for her son than she did for her own life.”
“To me, this sounds like a desperate mother,” Chase says.
Luke agrees.
I also agree, but I don’t voice it. “Then what is she doing here?”
“I don’t know. Maybe she wants to see if Connor’s okay?” Luke remains silent beside me and holds my hand for support. “I don’t know what she wants. But I doubt she wants to hurt him and I think she believes that if she took her son from the only mother he’s ever known, that would be devastating to him.”
Is it stupid of me to have hope? Yes, yes, it is. How can you see this little boy and not want him for your own. “If she loved him as much as the doctor claims, then she’ll want him back. They’ll be no stopping her.”
Luke clears his throat. “Could she love him enough to let him go? To let him live a happy and healthy lifestyle that she wasn’t able to give him?”
The voice of logic. Hope once again fills my heart. It is possible. If my parents were still alive when I had Connor, I thought that if I could, I would send Connor to them. Let them raise him as their own. They would love him and keep him safe. I didn’t have anyone and Brett started molding Connor into the monster that he was at a very young age. When I find my voice, I say, “I think you can love someone enough to let him go.”
“I do, too,” Chase agrees.
When Chase leaves, Luke stays the night with little Connor and me. Chase leaves and comes back with Dale, before heading home to the inn with his wife and daughters. Dale stands guard outside of Connor’s bedroom. I’m not sure how he knows to do that, but I feel better knowing he’s here, ready to protect Connor and keep him safe.
We stay up and talk most of the night. I figure I might as well tell him more about my past and what my life was like with Brett and my son Connor. I don’t tell him everything. I tell him things I think he should know. It’s hard to explain the situation with Lorraine, without going into detail. He listens to everything. The look on his face never changes. He doesn’t say anything judgmental, like why did you stay? Why didn’t you leave? Why didn’t you call the police? He just listens as he maintains eye contact. I can see the sadness in his eyes. He has very honest eyes, but he shows no other facial expression.
“At the time, I was truly afraid for my life. I was afraid for my parents’ life, and for Connor’s life. Brett would have killed them. He would have killed each of them to teach me a lesson. This I knew for certain. That’s why I stayed. That’s why I couldn’t leave.”
“I’ve wanted to ask, but I didn’t want to pry. One thing you shared with me awhile back was you’ve had stitches fourteen times. I’ve watched you and seen how graceful you are, so I knew you weren’t clumsy or careless. I didn’t want to believe your injuries were caused by someone.”
“My life wasn’t always rainbows and butterflies.”
“I wish I knew you back then.” He lifts my hand and kisses my knuckles. “I would have helped you. I could have provided you a safe place to stay.”
I know he believes that, but I also know the man who Brett Emerson was. It wasn’t until everything I had was taken away that I felt the time was right for me to leave. My parents and my son were all dead. No one else was left for him to hurt. I was a prisoner in my own body, in my own home. I loved no one in order to keep them safe. I don’t say any of that to Luke.
“Thank you, I appreciate that.”
“I need to know. What are you planning on doing now? Are you planning on running with little Connor in order to protect him from his birth mother?”
Looking up at him, I remain quiet.
Learning to Live Page 4
