Separate Like Stars

by Diana Kane

  “It’s one of my most prized possessions. I’d never get rid of it,” she informs me as Lexa barks. “I keep it on the chain because I had to keep taking it off in the kitchen and I was afraid I was going to lose it.” We stand frozen like that, neither of us speaking as I continue staring at the ring. I did a lot of extra chores and saved a lot of my birthday and Christmas money to buy it for her, and always thought that every bit of it had been worth it. Lexa’s bark turns shrill as she starts dancing around in my peripheral view, pulling me away from my memories. “You might want to back up,” Olivia whispers, causing me to finally drop the ring. “Once I turn the water on, she’s going to go crazy,” she warns me with the mischievous smile that always made me a touch leery of what would happen next. I watch in amusement as Olivia triggers the water and Lexa immediately starts attacking the stream, jumping around and snapping her jaw in an attempt to capture the elusive offender. It isn’t until my belly hurts from laughter that Lexa finally tires out, shaking out her sopping coat and laying down in the sun a few feet away from Olivia. Olivia quickly dumps out the water bowl and refills it, before shutting off the hose and joining me on the patio.

  “Is that why you got upset by the display case the other day? Because you thought I got rid of my ring?”

  “When I didn’t see it I just took it as further confirmation that you never loved me. I know how irrational that sounds and know that you have every reason not to wear it anymore. Maybe the part of me that’s still angry is just looking for reasons to be mad at you.” I watch Olivia as she plucks up the ring and idly fiddles with it. I can tell that there is something on her mind, but give her the space to choose whether or not she wants to share.

  “When I was using, I woke up one night and caught a woman trying to steal it. I don’t know if she wanted it for herself, or to sell it for more coke or whatever. It should have been a sign, someone trying to steal one of maybe three things I actually cared about, but it didn’t change my behavior. Not even when I had to clock her to get her to give up.” Olivia stops speaking and looks down at her right hand, again seeming to debate sharing more. “I got this scar on her tooth. I don’t know if I actually knocked it out or not, but my hand swelled up and was nearly impossible to use for a few days.” I watch as her hand falls back to her side and she shifts her focus to the ring, looking on as she continues to fidget with it. “Brielle hated this ring. She never understood why I insisted on wearing it. I lost count of how many times we fought about me taking it off.”

  “Why not take it off if it would have made her happy? It seems like a small concession to make for some peace.”

  “Because I don’t want to. What harm is there in wearing it?”

  “None, I suppose. Why though?”

  “Because it’s a tangible reminder of what my behavior cost me. I think that I used it as a crutch to help keep me sober. Some people carry their chips around in their pocket, but this, it holds way more meaning than that little plastic disc ever could.” I nod my head in understanding, unsure what else I should say. “Anyway, let me put the monster on her tether, and we can go inside,” she says as she rises from her seat and makes her way over to Lexa’s slumbering form. Lexa doesn’t even stir when Olivia attaches the clip to her collar. Olivia smiles and shakes her head as she makes her way back to the patio and opens the slider door. “I made some lemonade before we left for our walk. Would you like some?”

  “That’d be great,” I answer, even though what I’d really like is the biggest margarita I can find. Seeing the ring around her neck might be worse than thinking she had gotten rid of it. But what do I do with this information, this confirmation that she did love me? Would the ring have meant enough to her to keep it if she hadn’t?

  “Penny for them,” Olivia’s silky voice pulls me out of my own head.

  “Huh?”

  “You’re a million miles away. You’re still wearing your sunglasses in the middle of my kitchen, and I’ve been offering you this glass of lemonade for at least a minute. What are you thinking about?”

  “I think it’s easier to be angry at you than it is to accept that you loved me and things just didn’t work out for us,” I admit, conceding the truth to both of us as the words escape my mouth. Somehow the admission leaves me feeling sad, wondering how different life might have been had either of us taken even one of the alternate paths we were offered along the way. Then again, no one really spends the rest of their life with their high school sweetheart. Inevitably something would have driven a wedge between us. Maybe it would have been my once chaotic promotional touring that did us in. How would Olivia handle things if it had ultimately been my choices that had separated us?

  “About that,” she begins before taking a deep breath and slowly releasing it. “I need to discuss something with you, but I’m not sure how you’re going to react.” I immediately feel my hackles rise and the urge to fight rekindle itself. “Why don’t you take a seat in the living room. I need to go upstairs for a second,” she suggests as she heads down the hallway and deposits her glass of lemonade on the coffee table. I follow suit and take a seat, forcing myself to take a few calming breaths. “I almost forgot,” she says as she pulls her phone out of her pocket. “I was going to send this to you while you were away, but realized after I took it that I didn’t have your number,” she adds as she passes her phone to me. “I wasn’t sure how they’d get on, but look at them,” she calls over her shoulder as I press play on the video and watch as Lexa plays with Artemis and Apollo in my living room. I focus on the video but turn at the sound of Olivia reentering the room and immediately recoil at what she holds in her hand.

  “We don’t need to talk about that,” I inform her as I stand up, fully intending to leave.

  “Jordan, wait,” she calls out as I make my way to the front door. “I found it last night while I was going through one of the closets.”

  “Whatever,” I call back as I near the entryway.

  “If I had it in my possession all this time, why would it still be in the bag?” she asks as my hand lands on the doorknob. I close my eyes as I allow logic to sink in. Mrs. O’Connor never gave her the advanced copy, the one where I made that desperate attempt to salvage our relationship. “Please,” Olivia utters her simple request. I could walk out the door right now and just be done with it, or I can stay and hear her out. Both options have their merits, but the pull of having more answers proves slightly more appealing. “Thank you,” she breathes when my hand falls from the doorknob and I turn to follow her back into the living room. “When?” she asks as we both stare at the blue bag sitting on the coffee table.

  “Thanksgiving the year you disappeared. I don’t know if you remember, but mom hosted it. I brought advanced copies home for everyone and intended to give it to you in person. But you didn’t come home. In fact, your mom had no idea that you had disappeared on me. She made it seem like she would make sure that you received yours. I always assumed that you had.”

  “She never even mentioned it. I found it last night, just sitting in my old closet like I left it there when we moved to Chicago. I didn’t know what to expect when I found the bag, but I was even more confused when I saw the book. Then I found your message,” she shares with a shake of her head. “When you saw me this morning…Jordan I don’t know. I didn’t sleep last night. I was upset and angry and I tried to talk to her like you seemed to be doing the morning I saw you there. But the whole time I just kept thinking she had no right to keep this from me, even if she didn’t think I deserved you, she had no right. So I lost it…in the middle of a cemetery, I lost it.”

  “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

  “Me either. I feel like I had something taken away from me that I never knew existed until it was too late. Did you mean what you wrote?”

  “I did. I was still reeling from your disappearance, but I would have skipped graduate school to be with you. I loved you so much, and you just bailed on me. I was desperate.”

&n
bsp; “I ruined your big day, didn’t I?” she quietly asks.

  “Honestly? You pretty much sucked the joy out of it, yeah. I was so hopeful that night that you’d be home and we’d have a chance to talk, but when your parents walked in without you, I knew we were over.”

  “I wish I had been given this when I should have been.”

  “Why? You told me after your mom passed that I had to finish school, that it was a goal I had set for myself and I needed to achieve that goal. Would you have said yes? Would your answer have been different?”

  “I’m pretty sure I would have. I missed you so much at that point that I couldn’t come home. I wouldn’t have gone back to Paris if I did. Mom chewing my ass out only confirmed how badly I had fucked up. You must have known when we saw each other that summer. Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “I didn’t tell anyone. I was worried if I told someone that they would reconsider and pull the offer. It didn’t feel real until it was released. I wanted to tell you, every time we spoke I wanted to tell you, but I couldn’t,” I admit. “Why didn’t you just talk to me?”

  “Because I was an idiot. I knew you wouldn’t give me a definitive answer if I told you where my head was at. But I was too foolish to realize that everyone has stakes in the game. Véronique didn’t want me to leave for now obvious reasons. My family wanted me to come home. The people I had met there wanted me to stay. I was being torn in two and wasn’t sure which half I was supposed to follow.”

  “I never wanted you to go, but you’re right. I wouldn’t have made the decision for you. You would have ended up resenting me.”

  “Maybe. Maybe we’d still be together if my mom had given me your gift.”

  “Or maybe we’d have tried, and my hectic promotional tour would have been the end of us. I would have barely been there for the better part of a year. Either way, we must not have been as solid as we thought we were if we kept these things from each other.” It’s a thought that makes me sad to admit, but surely it must be true.

  “I don’t believe that. I guess it’s roadblocks and avenues though.”

  “What?” I ask at a complete loss.

  “Nothing. Just some metaphor someone tried to convey to me once about communication and life. The basic premise was that the way we communicate either facilitates more obstacles for us to overcome or clears the path towards our goals. It was part of the whole rehab thing. I always thought it was a bit lame, but maybe there was some truth to it.”

  “Perhaps there is,” I allow as Lexa’s barking sounds from the backyard.

  “She’s never out for very long,” Olivia says as she rises to let her in. “Would you like to stay for dinner?” she asks as I follow her into the kitchen. I’m not sure where the time went, but it’s after five, not quite dinner time but getting close.

  “I appreciate the offer but…” But what? I try to scramble to come up with a reason to decline her offer, but honestly, there’s only one answer.

  “But you need time to think. I get it. Honestly, I do too.”

  “That and a giant margarita, which I wouldn’t feel right drinking in front of you.”

  “Why? I’m fine with people around me drinking. Honestly, I could probably have a drink and be okay. I never had an issue with alcohol before mom died. It’s just easier to not tempt fate.”

  “I’ll keep that in mind. Are you all right on your own though?”

  “I promise I’ll be fine. I don’t have those urges anymore. Haven’t in years,” she assures me as we step outside and find Lexa dancing around on the end of her tether. “They were just a means of trying to forget about how shitty I thought my life was,” she explains as we exchange a comfortable glance. “I’ll talk to you soon?” she asks, hope lining her features.

  “Yeah, probably,” I respond before turning and making the short trek home.

  Chapter 17

  “Oh my god, you have no idea what you missed,” Kira informs Gavin as we sit around a fire in my backyard, laughing about the time Kira and I got trashed and tried to sing karaoke in a dive bar. I’m not sure either of us clearly remembers what happened, but we both agree it wasn’t pretty.

  “I wish I would have been there, sounds like I missed quite the time,” he informs us before taking a sip from his beer.

  “You have no idea,” Kira continues. “We were halfway through Love Shack when this one decides she doesn’t appreciate some random dude in the crowd trying to grope her leg, so she bends over to smack him upside his head and nearly does a header off the stage,” she finishes through a fresh bout of laughter. I could add how Kira came to my rescue and socked the guy for me, but I know Kira well enough to know she’s attempting to flirt with Gavin, so I let it pass. “I need another beer. Anyone else?” she asks as she rises from her seat, keeping her eyes glued to Gavin. I suppress my laughter while I watch them exchange a look, before agreeing that another round would be nice. I contentedly smile as I stare into the flames, happy to have two of the people I adore the most here with me. I didn’t ask either of them to visit, but after stressed out calls to both of them earlier this week, they both selflessly informed me that they were headed here for the weekend. Little did I know that they’d hit it off as well as they have.

  “Hello. Where did you come from?” Gavin’s gravely voice pulls me out of the trance I had slipped into.

  “Lexa?” I question when I look over and see Gavin petting the excited pup. I look around for Olivia but don’t see her. I turn back in time to see Gavin sliding out of his chair to start wrestling with Lexa as I wonder how she got here without Olivia.

  “Where’d the dog come from?” Kira asks as she passes me my fresh beer.

  “She’s Olivia’s,” I share as I catch the fire glinting off of something from the corner of my eye. A closer look reveals the stake that once secured Lexa’s tether bouncing in the grass as she and Gavin continue to wrestle. “I should take her home. I’m sure Olivia is worried. Come on Lexa,” I call as I rise from my chair. I sigh as Lexa ignores me in favor of continuing to play with Gavin. “Come on girl,” I order when I finally get a grip on the tether.

  “Lexa!” Olivia’s voices floats through the dark to us. “Lexa!”

  “She’s here,” Kira calls back to her.

  “Thank god,” Olivia exclaims as she runs up to us. Lexa immediately abandons playing with Gavin in favor of meeting Olivia halfway, tugging me along with her. I release the tether when Olivia drops down on one knee and hugs Lexa to her tightly. “I fell asleep after I put her outside. I don’t think I was out that long, but when I went to let her in, she was gone.”

  “She probably heard us and got excited,” I manage before Kira interrupts.

  “Hey stranger!” she greets Olivia, pulling her into a welcoming hug. Olivia shifts her shocked gaze to me from over Kira’s shoulder, causing me to have to turn away and suppress a chuckle. “Come have a drink with us,” Kira extends the invitation as I make my way back toward the fire.

  “Oh, uh I have a few things I should probably take care of,” she hesitantly answers, although Kira’s had enough to drink that she doesn’t notice.

  “What? Come on! We haven’t seen each other in years. You can stay for one at least,” she encourages Olivia. I pause long enough to look back over my shoulder at the pair, catching Olivia’s eye and tilting my head toward Gavin and the fire.

  “All right,” Olivia agrees with a smile and a slight nod in my direction.

  “Olivia, I’d like you to meet Gavin. Gavin this is Olivia,” I complete the introduction when Olivia and Kira join us fireside. I watch in amusement as Gavin and Olivia shake hands and inadvertently snort when I see Kira visibly struggle with whether to focus on flirting with Gavin or catching up with Olivia.

  “Why are you laughing?” Kira asks, tearing her gaze away from the pair. Three sets of eyes lock onto me, waiting to be let in on the source of my amusement as I reign in my laughter.

  “Nothing. The moment has passed,” I deflect, hoping
that Kira has enough on her mind to let it go.

  “Right,” she says in a moderately sarcastic tone. “Let’s get you a drink! You still a beer woman?” Olivia’s eyes quickly set on mine, conveying a look that I have no idea how to interpret. Is she looking for help covering up the fact that she doesn’t drink? Is she surprised that I didn’t share with Kira the entire story of what she’s been through? Or is it something else entirely?

  “Actually, I’m more of a water or soda person these days,” Olivia informs her without a hint of embarrassment.

  “I have soda, juice, coffee, and I’m sure I have some tea if you’d prefer that,” I quickly offer, cutting off whatever Kira had opened her mouth to say.

  “Water is fine, but I can get it.”

  “It’s all right. You stay here and catch up with Kira. I’ll be right back,” I finish, turning away before she can argue.