by Kellyn Roth
Mrs. Chattoway didn’t reply. Claire knew she didn’t believe the apology to be her due. Her mother rose. “Well. I for one would like to really meet my grandchildren. I’ve never gotten to, and I’m sure they’re sweet girls.”
“All right.” Claire stood and stepped back. “I know they’re somewhat unsure what to expect, so I’ll talk to them first, if you don’t mind.”
“Of course not.” Mrs. Chattoway cocked her head. “Has Nettie been able to see her mother yet?”
“Er, no. I’m not sure she has.” Nettie’s mother lived in the nearby village, but it was still a bit of a walk. “Which reminds me—my maid is married to a man named Tom Jameson. He traveled with us. Will we find him something to do at Starboard? He’s fairly adaptable, Nettie says.”
“I’m sure we can find something.” Mrs. Chattoway smiled. “Let’s not worry about it now. I think the priorities should be getting to know each other and settling in.”
Claire picked up the bundle of letters from the side table. “Very well, then. I’ll probably call the girls to my room and talk with them briefly about the situation. Nettie, as well, since this impacts her life.”
“I think you’ll find the children out in the garden.” Mrs. Chattoway gestured toward the window—in the distance, Charlie’s head was visible above some overgrown hedges. “He must be introducing them to the wonders of weeds. We really do need to hire a gardener.”
Claire laughed. “I suppose so. I’ll go fetch them.” She stepped toward the door, then turned and faced her mother. “I do forgive you. It’s not easy for me, but I do.”
Outside, she hurried across the lawn to where Charlie stood with the girls. His posture loosened when he saw her.
“There’s your mother now. Why don’t you go greet her?”
The girls had probably been bothering him with a thousand questions. Claire smiled and waved. “Alice, Ivy, I need to talk to you both.”
Alice’s face went from open and laughing to closed and solemn in an instant. She ran over to Claire and took her hand. “Mummy, what is it?”
Claire blinked. Does she think something’s happened again? Something that might cause me pain? This world had turned her daughter into a pessimist. “Everything’s fine. I just want to talk about our living arrangement. Charlie, you should stay, too.”
Alice’s posture slumped. “Are we going to stay here?”
Claire cocked her head and tilted Alice’s chin up to see her face. “You mean you don’t want to? Darling, this is a lovely place. We’re going to fix it up, and it’ll be our home. Why, we could even get you a pony, if the budget holds out—couldn’t we, Charlie?”
“Of course.” He lowered himself onto a nearby bench which chose that moment to shift. He jumped to his feet. “Though, let’s make sure everything gets fixed first.”
“Naturally.” Claire raised her eyebrows. “This is ridiculous, even for Father. Didn’t he realize that these repairs would cost more if he waited?”
“Father didn’t notice much of anything for the last few years.” Charlie took Ivy’s hand and led her over to where Claire stood. “I’m glad you’re staying. It’ll be just you and me and Mother.”
“And me and Ivy!” Alice said. “But what about Mrs. Bennett, Mummy?”
Claire laughed. She knew what her daughter was really worried about. “We’ll make sure Mrs. Bennett delivers Kitty safely to Starboard. After that, we’ll offer her a position at Starboard, if one is available—which I believe it will be—or give her an excellent reference that allows her to move on to a better position. All right?”
Alice placed a finger to her lips and cocked her head. “All right. What about our house?”
“Uncle Charlie will sell it for us.”
Charlie coughed. “I will?”
“You will.” Claire smiled at him. “I have to close my dress shop, too, so we’ll probably travel to London together.”
Charlie grunted and walked toward the house.
Claire watched him hurry across the overgrown lawn. “We’ll have to convince Uncle Charlie to help us. He can be a grouch.” She whirled back to her children, affecting a cheery attitude. “How does that sound, darlings? Living at Starboard will be lovely, won’t it?”
Ivy nodded, smiling in a mime of her mother’s expression. Alice nodded slowly.
It’s going to be harder to convince Alice this is a good idea. Claire was determined to, nonetheless. “We’ll have a real home, where we won’t have to hide you.” She bent and kissed both of their cheeks. “Come back to the house now. Your grandmother wants to meet you.”
Alice’s eyes brightened. “Is she nice now?”
“Yes.” But Claire wouldn’t entirely open her heart until she was sure. Not with anyone. Never again.
Chapter Twenty
October 1871
“So it’s decided. Alice will go back to Miss Selle’s after the New Year.” Charlie shifted Ivy against his shoulder where she’d slumped, tired from a long day exploring the recesses of a forgotten attic with Alice.
Claire had to smile. Her brother stubbornly pretended not to like the girls, but they crawled all over him now. “Yes, I think that will be lovely. I know she has friends there, and she needs the schooling.”
Alice folded her arms across her chest. “I don’t need to go to school.”
“But it’s only for part of the year now!” At least, that was their plan. “You’ll come home for holidays, and you can use your real name, too.” For a great deal of money, one could buy almost anything. Charlie’s pocketbook had assured Alice’s safety at the school. Alice simply had to pretend she was his ward rather than his niece.
The expression on Alice’s face said that that wasn’t too great of a comfort, but she would enjoy being back with her friends. Claire had enjoyed school herself, but it took a bit of adjustment for any child.
Charlie stood, lifting Ivy with him. “It’s almost bedtime, isn’t it?”
Indeed, it was—past time, in fact. She followed her brother upstairs. Alice, of course, was never cheerful about sleep, but at least she didn’t whine.
In the bedroom, Charlie laid Ivy on her bed and tiptoed out of the room. Claire knelt and removed her shoes and stockings, then loosened her dress. That would do until she got Alice settled.
“But who will take care of Kitty and Truffle when I go to school?” Alice whispered.
“Shush. Don’t wake your sister. Wash your face and hands.”
Alice did as she was told, and Claire laid out her nightgown. There were servants who could perform such tasks, yes, but Claire appreciated a bit of quiet time with her daughters in the evenings. Afterward, Nettie would stay until they fell asleep, but these minutes belonged to her.
Ivy stirred enough to be nightgowned and tucked in, then fell right back asleep. Claire pressed a kiss to her brow and returned to Alice. She felt that they were healthily tired—she’d always put a great deal of stock in country air and regular exercise, and it had made her girls rosy and hearty.
Claire perched on the edge of Alice’s bed. “To answer your question, darling, Ivy and I will take good care of Kitty, and the stablehands will make sure Truffle is exercised and loved until you come home. All right?”
Alice sighed. “All right.”
“You’re going to have a wonderful time.” Claire leaned over and kissed her. “You’ll see Cassie and Georgiana and Abby.”
“I know.” Alice flopped back on the pillow. “I just don’t like being away from you. I’m afraid—” She stopped, and Claire could see her jaw clench.
“What are you afraid of?”
“That you won’t want me anymore.”
Claire blinked. She could honestly say that was the last thing in the world she had imagined Alice thinking. “What do you mean, darling? Of course I’ll want you! I love you so much.” Hadn’t she told Alice that every day of her life? What reason did the child have to doubt her love?
Unless Parker had said more than Alice let on
. That was a distinct possibility. But she didn’t think that was the case, or it surely would have come out by now.
“I don’t know.” Alice wiggled her body from side to side and looked at her hands. “You sent me away before and forgot about me, is all. That was what you wanted, right? For everyone to forget about me?”
Was that what Alice thought?
“Darling, it was because I loved you—for your own protection. I wanted you to be safe, because there are people who would hurt you if they could. But now you’re safe, and now you can come home all the time. I’m making sure of it. I wish you’d told me you’ve felt like this!” What a burden for a little child to bear for so many months—no, a year now. Her throat tightened, and she gathered Alice close and hugged her tight.
Alice sniffled. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t sure of anything. My father didn’t want me, and I know I don’t come from a good place. You know, because … because you’re not …”
Claire could finish the sentence for her. Married. Because I’m not married. “That doesn’t have anything to do with you. And we were married, even if … Things have changed, but you don’t need to doubt that you were a wanted child. Nettie would say that God planned you.” If only she had the words Nettie always did in these situations.
As if in answer to a call, there was a light rap at the door.
Claire glanced over her shoulder to find her maid standing there, head cocked. She motioned her over, and Nettie crossed the room and sat on the opposite side of the bed.
Alice wiped her eyes and turned to Nettie. “I was wanted, wasn’t I?”
“Yes, Gracie.” Nettie’s gray eyes were tear-filled as she nodded. “You were wanted. You are wanted! You were wanted since before time by God. You were wanted from the first moment your mother knew you existed. You weren’t a mistake, and never for a moment were you regretted.”
How did Nettie know? Claire rubbed small circles on Alice’s back, but even knowing the issue, even having had the conversation with Alice, she still didn’t know what to say.
I love you more than words can possibly say. I can’t begin to put voice to my feelings. Please believe I do care despite my silence. Words she had wanted to say to another person many years ago, words she had been unable to voice … Perhaps if I had, he would have fought for me.
“Your mother and I both love you,” Nettie said. “I’m sorry you’re frightened, but you don’t have to be. You’re a special girl, Gracie.”
Gracie. Special nickname, special girl.
Claire summoned up her courage and spoke again. “Nettie’s right, darling. And we won’t forget about you any time soon! I love you.” She cleared her throat and leaned back. “Now it’s about time for bed. In the morning, we’ll plan our after-Christmas trip to London. We’ll get you a brand-new wardrobe for your next term.”
Alice’s eyes brightened slightly. “With you?”
“Yes.”
Alice sat up. “Will Nettie come? And what about Uncle Charlie? What kind of clothes? Pretty clothes?”
Claire and Nettie both laughed softly. “Slow down, darling. You’ll wake up Ivy! No, and yes, and of course I’ll get you pretty clothes! Only the best for my girl.”
Alice tossed her arms out. “That’ll be nice. Can I pick some things? Like a new hat?”
“Within reason.” Claire kissed her cheek and pulled the coverlet up to her chin. “Remember, we’re living off your Uncle Charlie now, and we can’t stretch his generosity too far.”
Alice raised her eyebrows. “Uncle Charlie says I can have whatever I want as long as I keep quiet.”
Claire stifled another laugh and rose. “We’ll see about that. Nettie will pray with you now. I’ll see you in the morning, darling.”
Her daughter pushed herself up on her elbows once again, eyes worried. “Couldn’t you stay? Nettie wouldn’t mind, would you, Nettie?”
Claire was fairly certain Nettie smirked. “Mind if your mother stays while we pray? Not at all. In fact, I welcome it.”
Trapped by motherhood. She lowered herself back down on the edge of the bed. “Very well. Let’s … begin.”
Nettie placed a hand on Alice’s shoulder and motioned for Claire to do the same—some strange connection ritual, probably. She also imitated Nettie in closing her eyes and bowing her head.
“Father God, thank You for keeping us safely through another day.” Nettie paused for a moment, then continued. “Thank You for our good health in this family and for our safety here at Starboard. Thank You for giving us a lovely day exploring the attic and spending time with Uncle Charlie. We ask that You keep us all safe—Alice, Ivy, Mummy, Jameson, Mrs. Bennett, Grandmother, Uncle Charlie, Aunt Christy, and her family.”
“And Truffle and Kitty,” Alice whispered.
“Yes, we definitely want them to be safe, too.” There was a smile in Nettie’s voice. “Please let Alice’s trip and her time at Miss Selle’s be uneventful in the best way, and let them have a wonderful time. Especially Uncle Charlie, because we know how much he likes shopping for dresses.”
Alice giggled. “Not very much.”
“No, not very much. But I pray he has a lovely trip with his girls even so.” Nettie took a deep breath. “And I also have a prayer for myself, which You know.”
Claire’s throat tightened. Oh, Nettie … can’t the girls be enough? She never would give up that dream, and Claire couldn’t blame her. Not that Claire wanted or expected more children herself, but Nettie ought to have a baby to raise as her own. She certainly had done an excellent job with Alice and Ivy.
Alice didn’t question Nettie’s special request, surprisingly—perhaps it was a frequent request. Claire didn’t doubt it.
Nettie moved on. “Lord, I pray for Mummy. I know she’s resistant to the idea of You. We can’t know what’s in her heart. But I do pray that You find a way to work in her soul and bring her to You. I know it will bring her deep and abiding comfort, and I know there’s nothing that can separate her from Your love save her own stubbornness. Your will be done.
“Keep Alice through the night and may she only have pleasant dreams. In Jesus’s name I pray, amen.”
“Amen,” Alice echoed.
Claire added her own voice in a half-mumble, but there was no conviction to it. She raised her eyes to Nettie’s, but her friend’s gaze was too intense for her liking. She stood and cleared her throat.
“Well. I’ll leave you now. Sweet dreams, Alice.”
“Sweet dreams, Mummy.”
Outside the door, she stood still in the dark, cold hallway for a moment, gaining her bearings. Nettie’s sincerity and strength had always been obvious to Claire, but it never ceased to amaze her, nonetheless.
If I were Nettie, could I have faith in God if He allowed what happened to her to happen to me?
The answer was clear: never. Claire couldn’t imagine herself going on with life, let alone thriving. Even now, everything felt so difficult.
Something about Nettie, that special something that Claire couldn’t imagine possessing herself, made her different.
If the difference was Jesus, well …
But no. Claire wouldn’t think about it. Not tonight. Some other time, perhaps, when she wasn’t so tired. When she wasn’t so hurt.
London
December 1871
“Now twirl for me!”
Alice obliged, pirouetting in front of a mirror at a haberdashery. The ribbons trailing off the hat twirled with her, blue and white sails behind her. She giggled, causing the young shop girl to giggle, causing Mummy to smile.
Anything that made Mummy smile was good as far as Alice was concerned.
“That one, I think, and the more basic … yes, the second-to-last we tried. You’ve set aside the ones I chose, haven’t you?” In no time, the hats were boxed, and Mummy and Alice added more parcels to their carriage.
Uncle Charlie, who was halfway through Great Expectations, glanced at the new boxes. “Is that it?”
“One l
ast stop. Gloves and fans. For me, not for Alice.” Mummy arranged her skirts and regarded her brother closely. “You’re not angry? I couldn’t resist another, but she needed something basic, too.”
“Mm. Whatever.” Uncle Charlie flipped a page. “Our expenses are few. It’s not like we’ll be hosting any house parties soon.”
Mummy smiled. “And Alice will have such lovely clothes for school!”
Uncle Charlie raised his eyebrows at her over the book. “For church and perhaps a holiday or two. They have uniforms, you realize.”
Mummy shrugged. “She’ll be the best-dressed student at church.”
He chuckled and went back to his reading.
Mummy turned to Alice. “Should we see about finding a bakery, perhaps? Or a sweet shop? I think we need a treat.”
Uncle Charlie groaned.
“Oh, he’ll be as glad as us. I’ll tell you a secret, darling—your uncle has a sweet tooth.”
“And an empty pocketbook.” But he smiled as he returned to the depths of Dickens.
The carriage rolled to a stop again, and Uncle Charlie stepped down to help the ladies out before returning to the carriage and his waiting book. In no time, they’d completed their purchases and exited the shop.
“Miss Chattoway!”
Mummy paused and glanced over her shoulder, then went to the window of a carriage. “Mrs. Knight?” Her tone was a great deal more inquisitive, and Alice soon saw why.
Mrs. Knight had plainly lost a great deal of weight and color since Alice had seen her last. Great dark circles underlined her eyes, her cheeks seemed to sink into her head, and she was pale as a sheet.
“Yes.” Her smile consumed her entire face, and she looked a bit more like herself. Alice relaxed slightly. It was her friend—only she wasn’t feeling well. “H-how are you?”
