by Maddie Wade
Meg squeezed her hand reassuringly, a soft look on her pretty face. “What happened?”
Lizzie had missed her sister. Even though she’d never met her, she’d known in her heart she was out there. The bond they had was as strong as the one she had with Lucy, just different because they were such opposite characters. She was blessed to have her back in their lives after all this time and happy that she and Lucy had become close.
“One day we met up, and he was agitated but wouldn’t tell me why. Over the next few weeks he withdrew. I knew it was coming, but it broke my heart when he dumped me.”
“Did he tell you why?”
“Not then but the following year when I was seventeen and started going to pubs with a few friends, I saw him out. He was with another girl, and I lost my mind, ripped into him and got thrown out of the pub.”
Lucy’s eyes went wide, her hand over her mouth in surprise as she tried to hide her giggle. “Lizzie!”
“He deserved it, and it worked. He followed me and told me he’d made a mistake and wanted me back. We got back together, and it was heaven. He was my first love and if I’m honest, my only love.”
Lucy cocked her head. “What about Marco?”
At the mention of her ex-husband, Lizzie sighed. “I didn’t love Marco, not as I should have. Not in the way you love Jace, or you love Daniel. I never once thought I’d stop breathing if he weren’t with me. I cared for him, I even fooled myself that I loved him, but deep down, I knew it was a lie. I even knew on my wedding day. I was seconds away from bolting when I saw Ty watching me across the street.”
“He was there?”
Liz nodded. “Yes. He watched me get out of the car at the church. We locked eyes, and I thought for just a second he’d beg me to stop. I would have. I loved him that much, but he turned and disappeared. Part of me thinks I married Marco to hurt him, but the only person I hurt was Mateo.”
“Hey, no. That kids adores you, and Marco may not have been the love of your life, but he has his share of the blame. Nobody asked him to screw around on you.”
Lizzie looked at Lucy, who was fierce and beautiful and like a lioness with those she loved. “Maybe not, but if I had loved him as I should, maybe we would’ve made it.”
“And maybe you wouldn’t have. Life is crazy and unpredictable. We have to do the best we can, and you’re one of the strongest, most amazing people I know.”
Meg hugged her tight, leaning her head on her shoulder. “I wouldn’t be here without you, so don’t put yourself down. There are plenty of people out there ready to do that for you, so we mustn’t do it to ourselves.”
Lucy grinned and snuggled into her other side. “Yeah, listen to her, she speaks the truth.”
They stayed quiet each lost in thought, enjoying the love between them. “Why did you and Smithy, sorry I can’t think of him as Ty, break up?” Lucy asked quietly.
Lizzie laughed. “I think I’m the only person who calls him Ty. He said it was a weird way to shorten Whittaker, but he liked it.”
Lucy laughed, and her belly jiggled against her, the baby growing inside her already loved by so many. “It is weird.”
Lizzie poked her sister in the arm in jest. “Hey, do you want to hear the end of this sorry tale or not?”
“Fine, I’ll stop.”
“At the end of the second summer, Ty told me he was signing up for the army, that it was the only way he could make anything of himself. I was so excited for him, told him I’d follow him as soon as I finished college. But he told me no. That he couldn’t give me what I needed or what he thought I deserved. We argued for ages, but he wouldn’t budge, said he loved me too much to ruin my life.”
“Wow, that’s so sad that he believed that. He’s such a great guy.”
Lizzie nodded sadly. “He is, but I have to walk away. I can’t keep doing this to myself, it isn’t fair to Mateo or me. If Smithy wants me, he’ll have to do the running this time because this girl is done.”
Chapter 5
Smithy ran the towel over his shaved head to dry it before slipping into a pair of jeans that had been in his locker at Fortis. It was time to face the team and update them on what was going on. He knew they were unhappy about his decision to stay and face the woman responsible for all the pain they’d suffered, but right now he didn’t give a fuck.
All he could think about was Lizzie and the broken disappointment on her face as she told him she was done. It had felt like being stabbed in the heart the pain of her words worse than any beating he’d ever received. His breathing became fast with panic at the thought of her not being there for him. Her constant silent and often unwanted support had been his lynchpin. He was a selfish bastard. Even as he pushed her away, he wanted her with him.
Even now, the pain in his chest made it feel like he was having a heart attack, his breathing quick, skin clammy. Closing his eyes, he focused on each breath in and out, trying to stem the coming panic attack that had plagued him since his rescue from the Divine Watchers. Taking in slow breaths, he focused his mind on only that, until the tightness in his chest began to ease, and he could feel his heart rate return to normal.
As he sat on the bench to pull on socks and boots, the door swung in and Dane stared at him from the door. The look on his face said it all—he was boiling with anger.
Smithy looked away, not ready to deal with whatever he had to say right now. He carried on tying his boot as the door closed, and Dane sat down beside him.
“You’re a fucking dumbass.”
Smithy dropped his foot to the floor with a sigh. “Don’t start Dane. You have no idea what’s going on.”
“The fuck I don’t,” Dane threw out angrily, lifting his arms as if talking to an idiot and maybe he was, Smithy thought. “I just left Lizzie with Meg and Lucy, and I saw that shit show earlier. She’s hurting, and it’s your fault. I should beat the snot out of you for what you’ve done.”
“Why don’t you then?” Smithy almost wanted it; he wanted the fight to let his anger and pain burn through him instead of bottling up the rage in his body, living on a precipice the entire time.
“Because it wouldn’t help, and Lauren would kick my ass. I have a woman who loves me, and I respect her enough not to hurt her. You, on the other hand, just fucking threw my sister away like she was rubbish.”
“You have no idea how I feel about Lizzie.”
“Then tell me. Make me understand that you’re not the man who just slayed her heart open. You fucking hurt her, man.”
“Do you think I don’t know that?” Smithy felt his own anger rise, but not at Dane, at himself. If he’d been a better man, he would’ve stayed away from her and she never would’ve been dragged into this mess. “Every single minute of the day, I’m reminded what I did to her, how I hurt her. The pain she’s in is because of me, so I know what I did.”
Dane shook his head, his eyes wide before he blinked slowly. “You really are an idiot. She isn’t hurting because of the physical pain, but because someone she loves gave up. Someone she’s loved for a fucking long time by the sounds of it, and that kind of love doesn’t disappear overnight or if I know Lizzie—ever.”
Smithy looked away, not wanting to see the sympathy in his friend’s eyes. “She deserves better, she always has. I told her that then, and I proved it when I got her mixed up in this nightmare which ended with her screaming in pain.”
Dane placed his hand on Smithy’s shoulder with a sigh. “Mate, she deserves the man she loves with her whole heart to love her the same way. That’s all she’s ever wanted. Lizzie doesn’t blame you for what happened to her any more than we do. The only person who does is you.”
“You didn’t hear her, Dane. The pain she was in was so excruciating I hear it in my nightmares. If I hadn’t taken her, then she’d be whole right now, not limping and in pain.”
Dane dropped his hand from his shoulder, leaning his arms on his knees he bent forward staring at the floor. This was hard for him too. Nobody loved fam
ily like Dane did. He was an overprotective bastard at the best of times.
“Or someone else would’ve taken her and she’d be dead. Make no mistake, she was taken because of her connection to all of us, not just you.”
Smithy was silent, not having considered that, too caught up in his own pain and guilt to consider any other possibilities.
“I’m not a big believer in God or a higher power, but I do believe Lizzie was there for a reason, and that reason was to bring you back to us. Don’t shit on all she went through to survive, then doing her damnedest to help you by giving up.”
Smithy cocked his head. “You really think so?”
Dane nodded. “I have to, or I can’t function knowing what happed to her. All the weeks we thought she was dead and then to have her alive again, it has to have a purpose.”
“We were together when we were teenagers, and I pushed her away because of the shit with my family. She’s the only woman I’ve ever been in love with, and I think the only person who could have gotten through to the monster I had become to try and drag the man back out.” Smithy laughed humourlessly “Not that there’s much of a man left.”
“That’s how you see it. You think Rhea Winslow broke you, but she didn’t. You’re the only one to have fought that drug. That says a lot about your strength of character, but I tell you now. If you walk away from my sister this time, it will be your downfall, because that’s all on you.”
“You don’t get it. How can I go to her in this state? I don’t sleep, I have anger issues. I’m fucked up.”
Dane chuckled. “We’re all a little fucked up, mate. You just need to figure out two things, is she worth trying to sort your head out and do you want to?” Dane stood and looked down at him with a hard look. “But let me warn you, it won’t be easy. You have to get your head on straight first then you have to convince Lizzie, and knowing her as I do, that will be the hardest battle of all.”
“Lizzie has a heart of gold.”
Dane nodded. “Yes, she does, but she’s also stubborn as a mule, and you hurt her. For her to walk away publicly like she did means a lot. She won’t let you back in easily, not now.”
Dane walked away, leaving his words ringing in his ears. Smithy was surprised he hadn’t been subjected to more threats for hurting her as he had. If Lizzie had been his sister, he’d have fucked him up.
Dropping his head into his hands, he tried to take it all in, to gather the threads of everything that had happened tonight and couldn’t. All he could see was a life without Lizzie in it, and it cut sharper than any knife ever could. He realised as he sat on a hard wooden bench in a locker room at Fortis, that he may just have made the biggest mistake of his life, and that was saying something because he’d messed up plenty.
None so bad as letting Lizzie get away though. He rubbed at the area under his breastbone as nausea roiled and his stomach cramped. She’d stood by him through everything, and now it was his turn to fight for her and them, prove to her that although he didn’t feel worthy, he’d do everything in his power to make it right. He took some calming breaths to ease the pain of his ulcer, knowing if he didn’t he’d be in agony.
Smithy had to start being completely honest with everyone, including himself—he knew that. He needed more help than he’d wanted to admit to anyone. Picking up his phone he saw it was only four am, too early to call Peyton Lawson and ask for help. He wouldn’t go begging Lizzie to take a chance on him—on them—until he was, if not whole, then at least not so broken. He just prayed she’d still want him.
Chapter 6
Smithy woke around seven after only two hours sleep, his mind struggling to catch up with where he was for a few seconds until the previous night’s events came flooding back. Swinging his legs over the bed in the Fortis bunk room, he rubbed the weariness from his eyes. He felt exhaustion pull at his body, but his mind felt sharper, stronger, as if deciding to get some help had already improved his mental health.
He showered and moved to the small kitchen to grab a cup of strong tea, popping two slices of bread in the toaster as he waited for the kettle to boil. As soon as the clock hit eight he was going to call Lawson and see if she’d see him today. Having made a choice to get better, he wanted to get started. He was under no illusion that it would be easy or that he wouldn’t have days when he wanted to quit, but he was determined to prove to everyone who’d supported him that he was worth it; most especially Lizzie.
Buttering the toast, he added lime marmalade, which Zin kept in the fridge for when he wanted a snack, the Russian having a liking for the English preserve. He took a sip of the strong tea as the door opened and Zack walked in followed by Jace.
Zack strode to the kettle and reaching in, poured himself a cup before doing the same for Jace. Zack cast him a side look. “You get any sleep?”
Smithy shrugged. “Some. Enough.”
Zack nodded as he brought his cup to the table. “We have a meeting at eight-fifteen, to de-brief. We need everything you have so we can get this sewn up and finished.”
Smithy noticed the fatigue around Zack’s eyes and glanced at Jace to see the same look on his friend’s face.
He and Jace had been close before the kidnapping, but between his guilt and Jace’s guilt for getting away, their friendship had suffered, and he was more than ready to make it right.
“I’ll tell you everything you need, but I need to make a call to Peyton Lawson first.”
Jace, who had been studying his cup, looked up sharply. “You seeing her about your… um… issues?”
Smithy chuckled, the first honest laugh in a long time. “You can say the words, Jace. You can’t catch PTSD from saying it.”
Jace had the grace to look sheepish. “I didn’t mean it like that.”
“Quit worrying, Jace. I know what you meant, and yes, I need some help to deal with the shit in my head before it ruins my life beyond repair.” His lips thinned as his thoughts turned more serious. “I’ve hurt a lot of people, and I don’t mean while I was under the influence of the drugs, although god knows I did that too. I mean my attitude since hasn’t been the best. I pushed everyone away, hurt those who tried to help, and that’s on me. I need to fix it, and the only way I can do that is to get some help.”
Jace nodded, and Zack clapped him on the shoulder. “I’m glad you’re getting what you need. Let me know what Fortis can do and consider it done.”
“Thank you, but what I need is to be involved and get this bitch locked up where she belongs.”
“Then that’s what we’ll do. I think we’re all more than ready for this shit to be over.”
“A-fucking-men, I don’t want my child born under this cloud.”
Zack looked at his watch and then stood, going to dump his cup in the sink. “See you in there.”
Jace followed him out, and Smithy looked at his phone. Eight o’clock on the dot, he dialled the number from the card Mara had given him and waited, his belly in knots as the toast he’d eaten roiled in his nervous stomach.
“Lawson.” The voice was warm but professional and gave him the confidence to make this appointment.
“Dr Lawson, it’s Whittaker Smith. You probably don’t remember me.”
“No, I do. It’s good to hear from you. What can I do for you?”
She was forcing him to take this step on his own, and as he said the words, it felt good to do it. “I need your help. I can’t do this on my own.”
“Then you came to the right place.” She paused a second, as if weighing her words. “I can help you, Whittaker.”
“No, Smithy, please.”
“Okay. I can help you, Smithy, but you need to understand this won’t be easy. You’ll probably have setbacks, but we’ll get you there, as long as you’re doing this for the right reason.”
“And what is the right reason?”
“You, Smithy. That’s the only reason. You have to want this for you. Not for someone else or because you feel pressured into it. You need to be in the
right headspace, and only you know that.”
He gave it some thought, going over the last six months where he felt like he was spiralling out of control. Then he thought about Lizzie and his friends. Not once had they asked or told him to get help. Encouraged, supported, but never pressured, they’d all wanted the best for him. It was only Lizzie walking away that made him realise he wanted to get better, to learn how to live with what had happened to him.
“This is for me. I want a life. I want a future, whatever that may look like.”
“Then that’s what I’ll help you achieve. Be at my office at fifteen-thirty, and we’ll get started on a plan to put your life back on track.”
“Thanks, doc.”
“Don’t thank me yet, Smithy. This is going to be the hardest thing you have ever done.”
Smithy hung up the call and slipped the phone into his jeans pocket with a feeling of lightness. It was good to take back some control for a change.
Moving through the hallway of Fortis, he pushed through the conference room door and noted he was the last to arrive. Every team member was there, as well as Roz and Bebe from Zenobi, and Alex and Decker from Eidolon. Both were secret groups with very different agendas but they had a common goal in their desire to take down the Divine Watchers.
Smithy took his place near the back of the room as Zack began the meeting.
“Firstly, let me say how good it is to have Smithy back with us.”
Smithy nodded awkwardly, not wanting the attention on him in this way. Talking to a group about a mission or even giving orders was easy, but this made him uncomfortable. He’d never had a lot of affection growing up; his mum was usually knee-deep in a bottle of cheap vodka before he got home from school. On the rare occasion she was sober, she was tactile and loving, but those times had been few and far between.
“Thanks, guys.” He nodded and looked away.
