by C F White
“I managed to get a job on a building site, thanks to my mentor.” Callum clapped the mug back on the tray and wiped his hands down his jeans. “Fully employed brickie now an’ all. I’m doing this as a side. To prove I’m making a change.” He glanced around the room, ready to heft himself up. “Give us a colour, Eve, and we’ll get this sorted tomorrow for you. If you don’t mind a bunch of rowdy lads stepping in your flat, that is.”
“I’m used to it.” Eve smiled.
Callum chuckled. “Yeah. Well, they’re harmless really. They want to do a good job as it’ll give ’em the possibility of an apprenticeship.”
“Yellow.” Eve patted Kez’s knee. “That would look nice in here, wouldn’t it, love? Like sunshine?”
“Yes, Auntie. That’ll brighten up the place.” Kez leaned back, watching Callum’s every move. He feared if he looked away, Callum wouldn’t be there anymore.
Callum stood. “Thanks for the tea, Aun—Eve.”
“You can still call me Auntie, Callum. I’d like it if you did.”
Nodding, Callum scooted around the coffee table and launched himself at Eve. He clung, hugging her tightly and Kez slipped off the armrest, the lump in his throat unbearable.
“Come on, now, Callum.” Eve tapped his arms. “You’re welcome here, anytime. Right, Kwesi?”
Callum stepped away, sniffing as his eyes glistened. All Kez could do was nod.
“I’ll be done today pretty late. Eightish probably.” Callum rubbed under his nose, his fingers trembling then shrugged. “But as I’m only a few doors away, number twelve, I can come by early tomorrow. Yellow paint.” He hesitated for a moment but all words were stuck in Kez’s throat. Then with a resigned nod, Callum turned on his heel and headed out to the hallway.
Kez watched him go, listening out for the closing of the front door before peering down at Eve. She ruffled out her skirt, then picked up a custard cream and nibbled the end.
“When we stray from His presence, He longs for you to come back.”
She didn’t need to say anymore. Kez knew what she was getting at. But he had his own mantra to repeat. Reaching for a biscuit, he recited it over and over in the hope that, this time, he might follow his own advice.
Won’t be fooled again.
* * * *
Shutting the front door behind, Kez breathed in the late-night air. The only light in the yard came from the residences that had their curtains open and their lamps shone through the windows to brighten the communal gardens. Not all the flats were occupied, so the darkened path wasn’t easy to follow. The chill in the air bit Kez’s cheeks and he zipped up his jacket to saunter up the gravel, away from his aunt’s new building.
He’d stayed for dinner and had helped her spruce the place up enough to make it more hospitable than the vacant shell they’d walked into. It would look better after the damp and mould spots were painted over. He drew in a breath at that. It was Callum who planned on painting it. Reaching the fence that led onto the main street, he glanced back to the block. Counting the windows along from Eve’s, he then paused at number twelve. The blinds were drawn, but the distorted light behind formed a shadow from within.
Callum.
He couldn’t. He shouldn’t. For his own sanity and self-preservation, Kez had to walk away. Whatever improvements Callum had made for himself in the short time since he’d run from Kez’s flat, it couldn’t fix everything. It wouldn’t mend Kez’s broken heart, or his hanging-by-a-thread trust, or his bruised and battered ego. It was better, for them both, to keep things as they were.
At a distance.
Sucking the cool night air into his lungs, Kez turned away and walked out of the new estate. The sinking in his gut wouldn’t be there forever. The long, painful nights of insomnia would pass. And the empty feeling of loneliness would be filled eventually. By who? Kez wasn’t sure. Nor did he think he should rush to fill it. Not this time.
The double-decker bus up ahead caught Kez’s eye and he rushed toward the stop, holding up his hand for it to pull in. As it screeched into the layby and the doors shunted open, Kez rustled in his jacket for his wallet. Checking each pocket, he offered an apologising smile to the driver.
“You getting on, mate?” the driver asked, leaning forward out of his cab.
Kez stepped on. Then glanced behind him toward the block of flats. “Sorry.” He tapped his pockets again. “I think I’ve left my wallet back at my aunt’s.”
“Next bus in twenty.” The driver revved the engine, yanking the stick in to gear.
Kez jumped back down to ground level and had to watch the bus pull away. Typical. Defeated, he jogged along the path toward the entrance to the building. With a sudden jolt, Kez stopped. Another man in front, clutching onto a plastic carrier bag, headed straight for the communal entrance door. He was big. Real big. And his dreadlocks trailed down to the middle of those broad shoulders. Kez sucked in a breath, remaining hidden in the shadows, and watched the bloke buzz the entrance bell. Within a few torturous moments, Callum opened the door, holding it wide and offering the man entrance.
Kez could have thrown up.
Muffled voices that Kez knew distinctly as Callum’s talking to the deeper, vibrating tones of the man he was ushering in, caused a wrenching pain in Kez’s chest. Callum moved on quick. Too quick. Now Kez couldn’t wait to get out of here. Hanging his head, he dipped forward and was unable to look upon the scene at the entrance. He’d just have to knock on Eve’s window rather than go through that door.
“Kez?”
Kez stopped, eyes focusing down as his throat closed in. He couldn’t ignore the call. He couldn’t be that bloke. He peered up to witness Callum lurching past the man stood at his open door. All Kez could do was offer a timid smile.
“Kez!” As Callum approached nearer, he smiled. As though he’d just won the lottery. Then it faded. “Are you off home?”
“Uh, yeah.” Kez looked away toward the bus stop, knowing he had a twenty-minute wait until he could board the getaway train.
Callum gripped his arm. Desperately. “Can you spare a minute? Or two?”
Kez finally looked into those hazel eyes. Why did I ever try denying it? “I don’t know, Cal…” He peered over at the heavy stood waiting by the door.
“That’s Errol.” Callum angled his head. “I want you to meet him.”
Kez raised his eyebrows. “That wise?”
Laughing, Callum tugged on Kez’s arm. Even though it was his arm that Callum pulled, Kez felt a hard shunt to his back. As though a hand was pushing him forward, edging him closer to the point of no return. Is this the greater being guiding me? Kez shook that absurdity off, even if he couldn’t deny it completely.
“Kez, this is Errol.” Callum motioned toward the bloke holding open the door. “He’s my parole officer.”
“Was.” Errol’s deep voice rumbled in Kez’s chest. He held out a hand. “The bloke’s a free citizen now. I just like to keep him in check.”
Clutching Errol’s hand, Kez shook as his shoulders eased out of their tension. “I’m glad to hear it. Someone’s gotta.”
Callum snorted.
“So, Kez, is it?” Errol smiled. “I’ve heard a lot about you. And don’t panic, it’s all been good. Honestly, if it wasn’t for you, I think we both know where this one would be right now.”
Hanging his head, Callum’s shameful puppy-dog eyes stared at the ground.
“I don’t think I did anything.” Kez had to admit that. It was the truth.
“You’d be surprised. But—” Errol pushed away from the door and stepped into the yard, holding out the bag to Callum. “But don’t let me be the one to tell you. Let him. Over dinner. There’s enough in there for two. He made me order some black bean chicken shit just in case.”
Kez darted his startled gaze to Callum. He smiled. And shrugged.
“I’ll leave you two to it.” Errol shoved his hands in his pockets. “Check in with me tomorrow, Callum.”
“Will do.”
As Errol left, Kez didn’t know what to do. He was stuck. And he wasn’t sure if he wanted to be or not.
“Come in.” Callum stood against the door, holding it open. “Please?”
“Cal, I’m not sure I can do it.”
“Do what? Talk to me? Come on, Kez. Please. I’ve got so much I gotta say and you know I ain’t writing that shit down.”
Another shove to his back made Kez glide over the threshold. He’d give him ten minutes. Then the bus would be back and he’d get on that. The door slammed behind, making Kez flinch, and Callum’s lingering presence tingled on Kez’s back as he walked behind him toward number twelve. Stopping at the door, Kez waited. Callum reached over him to push it open off the latch.
“Go on.” Callum ushered him inside.
The flat was scarcer than Eve’s. No furniture other than a double mattress laid out on the floor in the middle of the front room. At least it had a duvet and two pillows. Kez turned back to Callum and must have had sympathy written all over his face.
“It ain’t much, I know,” Callum said. “It’s all I got for now. That and a few kitchen essentials. Which includes plates and cutlery for this.” He held up the bag. “Want some?”
Kez did. He could smell the inviting aroma that only mildly masked Callum’s own intoxicating scent. He shook his head though.
“Fair enough. Tastes better cold anyway. Let me dump this in the kitchen and get you a drink. Sit if you like. The mattress is comfy. Errol bought it new.”
Kez hovered, undecided, and Callum ran off to the adjacent kitchen. He returned just as quick with two bottles. Feeling ridiculously uncomfortable standing, Kez sat on the edge of the mattress, knees clutched to his chest. Callum handed down a bottle.
“Cheers.” Beer was also appealing right then.
Callum bit off the top to his and discarded the cap in his joggers pocket. Holding the bottle between his knees, Kez attempted to twist it open but the groves dug into his skin. Callum waited, taking a gulp of his drink.
“Would you?” Kez held out the bottle.
Smiling, Callum took it and bit the cap off. As he sat beside Kez, he handed it over and Kez took an immediate, desperate gulp.
“First lot of wages due at the end of the week. Means I can get some things on deposit.” Callum waved his bottle to indicate the bare room. “Errol showed me this place that gives away donated items. Maybe I should take Eve, get her some stuff?”
Kez nodded, hovering the bottle at his lips. “Yeah. That’d be nice.”
“Not sure I can afford a TV, but it ain’t like I need it.” Callum fished out a smartphone from his pocket. “Errol got me this. Can watch a loada shit on this thing.”
“This Errol…he’s being a bit…” Kez didn’t know how to finish that. So he didn’t.
“It’s all the stuff I should have taken him up on the first time round. But I thought I could make it on me own. Turns out, I couldn’t, could I? Handing Baz over to them means I get a few perks.” Callum gulped from his drink. “The flat, the phone, the job.”
Kez nodded and inhaled the courage to start the conversation. “I’m sorry, Cal.”
“For what?”
“For not being there. For not helping. For everything.”
Callum shook his head and scooted on the mattress to face him. “None of this is your fault. It’s all mine. And I did the time for it. You gotta know, Kez, I never wanted you involved. I never wanted to bring this all on you.”
“I still should have reacted better. Twice I’ve done it. I’m meant to be your mate, your brother, and twice I’ve let you do the most difficult thing you can alone. What sort of person am I? I hid behind this moral high ground, this desperate desire to climb out of bottom of the pile, to fit myself in a world I don’t come from. And in doing that, I turned my back on the one person who sees me as an equal.”
Callum bit his lip. “Don’t say that.”
“Say what? It’s all true, Cal. And I’m so sorry. I guess, in some way, it all boils down to jealousy.”
“Jealous?” Callum wrinkled his brow. “Of me?”
“Not of you. Of everyone around you.” Kez stared hard into confused hazel eyes and knew he had to spill everything. Warts and all. “Sometimes I can’t bear it. I can’t breathe at the thought of you with someone else. Shit, Cal, I’ve been in love with you since year nine! Since that day we had to squeeze on that packed bus. I was against the window and you were in the middle with Stacy practically on your lap. I knew it then. I felt you everywhere.”
Gulping, Callum picked at his hands. “You should have told me.”
“How could I?” Kez threw back the remnants of his beer. “You were Callum. My mate. My brother. Rejection ain’t easy, doubly so if it had come from you. I walked away so I didn’t have to go through the pain of losing you to someone else.” He sucked in a confidence-boosting breath. “And I didn’t run after you when you left my place ’cause I couldn’t look you in the eye knowing if I hadn’t turned my back on you the first time, then maybe you wouldn’t have done what you did, with the drugs, with the doc.”
Callum fell silent for a while. Then he smiled and his eyes lit up the room. “Remember that night? That first night? When you got off the bus after college and walked past me and the girls at the playground? I asked you to come join us. You said ‘no’, you had homework or some shit. What did I do, Kez?”
Kez bit his lip, holding Callum’s intoxicating gaze. “You left them and came to mine.”
“Yeah. I did. And guess what, dickhead?” Callum nudged Kez’s knee with his own. “I kissed you. The only way to get you away from those fucking books and look at me was to kiss you.”
Kez remembered that night as if it was yesterday. He’d never been able to shake it from his mind, his dreams, his morning fantasies.
“I kissed you, Kez.”
“I know.” Hanging his head, the remorse overwhelmed Kez to the point his chest constricted. “I thought you only did that so I’d help you pass your key skills.”
“Then you’re a moron.”
A lighthearted chuckle escaped Kez’s lips and he met Callum’s wide-eyed gaze. “How could I ever believe it though? You, Callum Wright, the one all the girls wanted a piece of, the wide-boy on the estate, the man about town, would want me? This!” He held up his prosthetic, the one thing that dragged him down in his own estimations. “The disabled, black bloke that they all took the piss out of.”
“Then you should add blind as one of your disabilities.”
What? Kez licked his dried lips. “What?”
“I can’t believe you think I would care about any of that. After everything, Kez. How could you not know?”
“Know what?”
“That I worshipped you. You fucking fool!” Callum slapped Kez’s chest with the back of his hand, causing a deserved sting. “I worshipped the ground you walked on.” Callum smiled. “You walk on.”
Kez couldn’t breathe. “What you saying?”
“I’m saying…” Callum plonked the empty bottle on the floor beside him. “I’m saying…actually, I ain’t saying.” Sliding a hand up Kez’s neck, Callum tugged him toward him and pressed his lips to Kez’s.
Rippling euphoria bubbled inside Kez and he allowed his body to take over. He kissed Callum back, sliding his tongue inside to lap up the words that Callum couldn’t say out loud. And it tasted fucking glorious. There was no reading between the lines. There was no lost in translation. There was no jumbled-up letters to spell out nonsense. This was Callum, proving to him that he felt the same.
It got a bit heated after that, with hands roaming and lips smacking, and Kez was caught off guard when Callum threw a leg over his lap to straddle him. Callum kissed with an urgency that only a desperate man who had to prove himself would and, falling flat into the mattress, Kez allowed Callum to smother him. For a while. Until sense took over.
“Hey, hey.” Kez kept his voice light as he dipped farther into the soft cushion.
“I just think we should go slow.” Kez winced. He knew how that sounded. Ridiculous. They’d already gone too fast. Kez had already declared his love for the man. But they needed to go backward. For my sanity. “I don’t want to rush this. I don’t want to ruin anything. I think we need to adjust to it. Me and you.”
Callum breathed out a sigh. “You sayin’ no fooling around?”
Drifting his hand up into Callum’s top, Kez smiled. He stroked the taut flesh beneath and, for a brief moment of lunacy, he wanted to keep going. He wanted it so badly. His dick was also telling him to keep at it. But it’s not right.
“You know I want you, Cal.” He lifted up to kiss Callum’s lips. “I’ve always wanted you. And ever since I’ve had a taste of you, it burns even more.”
Callum furrowed his brow. “I hope that ain’t a bad thing.”
Kez burst out a laugh. “Me too. You know what I mean, though, right?”
Sliding off from Kez, Callum nodded and landed on his back beside him. He stretched his arms behind his head and stared up at the ceiling. “Yeah. I get it.”
Kez sat. “I want to take you to dinner.” He stared forward at the bare walls, unable to look at Callum and witness the flicker of disappointment, or even disgust at what Kez was going to suggest next. But if this is going to work, it has to be done right. “I want to walk hand-in-hand with you down the street. I want to be proud about this, not hide it behind closed doors. I want to introduce you to my friends. I want to introduce you to Auntie.”
“I already know Eve.”
Kez glanced back down, holding on to Callum’s gaze and searching for the courage to keep going. “I want to introduce you to her as my boyfriend.”
Silence stung the air. Horrid, awkward silence that wreaked havoc on Kez. I should have got on the damn bus! Maybe he still had time…
Callum sat with a start, glided a hand along Kez’s cheek and kissed him. “All right.”
