She still felt the same about him. God, after all these years she’d come right back to the place where she loved him.
Had she ever stopped?
No.
Carefully, she moved away from him and her clothes put back on, which were damp from last night.
She took one look at him before she left, then she caught a taxi home.
She called in sick at work, deciding to spend the day by herself to work out her issues.
Then she did the worst thing she could have ever done.
Luke hadn’t talked about what happened to him in Afghanistan and neither had Jessica, or their parents, or Natalie’s parents.
No one had spoken about it, and she knew they knew what had happened. Sure, it was on the news, and not just any old news either. It was on CNN, Fox News, everywhere, and honestly, Natalie had thought it best to stay away from TVs during that time for the sake of her sanity and nerves.
Particularly during the time when no one knew what had happened to him. That was a good five weeks of going through all sorts of crazy thoughts that drove her mad. She didn’t watch TV then because she didn’t want to find out that way that Luke had been killed, or executed, or something else that was vile. Then when he was found, she didn’t watch TV because she hadn’t wanted to hear what had happened. It was a double negative.
Natalie knew that when something was big enough to make the international news, and it was so bad that no one spoke about it, it was, in fact, terrible.
And because no one was talking about it, or found it difficult to try, she sought the internet.
That was the thing she did that she shouldn’t have done.
But it was a necessity. She figured reading would be kinder to her than listening to a report of what had happened.
So she typed “Lieutenant Luke Donovan” into the Google search bar and within seconds her laptop screen was populated with reports of what took place. She clicked on the first link, which took her to a lengthy report from Fox News.
There was a picture of Luke in uniform and above that read the News headline: “The One Man to Survive”.
One man to survive. She actually didn’t know if that meant he was the kind of guy to survive whatever was thrown at him, or if it meant that he was the only survivor.
The first few lines answered her question.
Lieutenant Luke Donovan was the only survivor of the Yerraboinapalli attack. He was travelling with a team of U.S. Marines on patrol when it occurred. He explained that he and four officers were captured and held by militant rebels for five weeks.
He was the only officer to escape and survive.
Natalie stopped reading and pulled in a breath to calm her heart and her mind, but she continued to read. Luke didn’t give many more details for obvious reasons of secrecy, but he said enough.
She read the whole thing and was in tears again by the end of the article.
Luke had been captured by those people, tortured every day, watched his friends die, feared for his life and nearly lost it.
Part of her wondered if he was safe even now, but the report said something about the Marines conducting additional searches for the militants of which they wouldn’t name. It appeared that they wouldn’t be a threat to him here at home. For the moment.
And that was just someone’s opinion, which could have been true. She wasn’t skilled in that area of expertise to do such guess work.
What she did know was that Luke was based in Afghanistan. He would most likely go back there if he decided to go back, and once there, wouldn’t he be in danger of being a target?
Again, she was no expert. Not in the least, and probably watched too many TV dramas that featured soldiers being the target of some assassination plot.
Luke escaped from wherever it was he was kept. That meant whoever had taken him could have been worried that he now knew where they were based.
So they would have eyes on him for sure. There, and even here. She wouldn’t be so stupid as to think he was completely protected and safe here.
This was too much. Too much.
And she was all alone here. She always preferred to keep her feelings to herself, but damn it, she could have done with the listening ears of her friends now. She could have done with a shoulder to cry on, because she’d gotten herself into this worked up state of anxiety and despair.
Being with Luke last night had been magical and a fantasy, but it opened the door to her worries for him. Worries she’d held back for years.
She looked around the room, trying to distract herself. The phone on the coffee table rang, buzzing and vibrating against the wooden surface. She walked over to it and picked it up.
Luke.
It was him, he was calling her. Of course he would. She’d just left him in bed without any explanation.
She watched the phone ring out and then it chimed again.
She couldn’t talk to him. Not in this state, and it would be wrong for her to go back on their agreement to be okay with his uncertainty.
He would come here looking for her, or he would go to Donovan Inc.
But she couldn’t see him yet. Natalie needed to go somewhere where she could get her thoughts together and gather her nerves.
She laughed a cynical laugh to herself when the place she needed to go came straight to her mind.
Home.
Not here home, as in this apartment she shared with Jessica and Laura.
Home. Home to her mother and her father.
Home to her mother who was the only person who she’d confided in about her true feelings for Luke when she was nineteen.
Her mother had been understanding then, probably the most that she’d been in Natalie’s life. She’d been different, too, when she was dictating on how Natalie should live her life and how a law degree would have given her a good stable career.
Maybe she could be that now, because Natalie really needed that level of support.
* * *
The scent of roses greeted Natalie as she walked up the drive to her parents’ house.
She still had her keys, so she went straight inside where she was met with more floral fragrances. It smelled like one of those spas where they used a lot of essential oils.
Her mother was into aromatherapy and homeopathy so she probably had some diffusers set around the house to pump out the smells.
Natalie hadn’t been here in a few weeks for pure avoidance purposes.
She could see her mother in the back garden tending to the dahlias, which looked truly beautiful. Her mother had her hair tied up in a loose bun on top of her head, similar to Natalie’s slinky ponytail.
She went outside to see her mother, who stopped tending to the flowers on sight of her.
A bright smile lit up her face.
“Natalie.” Her mother beamed, walking over to her.
“Hey mom.” She gave her a weak smile.
“I called you every day last week. I know you’re upset with me, but couldn’t you have sent me a—”
Natalie held up her hand and stopped her from going further.
“Mom, please.” She shook her head and allowed a wayward tear to run down her cheek. She then stared at her mother, pulled in a breath and said, “I can’t do it today. I don’t have the strength. Could you just be the mom you were when I was nineteen. The person you were when Luke left for the Marines. Could you just not compare me to anyone today? Or make me feel like I’m not as good as Avery because I’m not a lawyer, and I’m not getting married any time soon.”
Tears were streaming down her cheeks and she realized that, actually, she was carrying a lot of pain outside of her Luke problem.
She’d always tried for some form of acceptance. Whether that was with Luke, her parents or just life in general.
She had no place in L.A., and it didn’t work out as she hoped. Leaving home and trying to escape all that she’d run from wasn’t a good idea because everything just spiraled out of control. But coming home didn’t seem
to be a good idea either.
Sadness filled her mother’s soft brown eyes and her face filled with concern.
“Mom, please, could you just love me today, because I need you.”
“Natalie, I do love you, every day. Come here, sweetie.” She stretched out her arms to her and once again Natalie found herself crying.
It took her a little while to calm down. Her mother sat her down on one of the benches in the garden and brought her all her favorite treats: cinnamon rolls, jelly donuts covered with powdered sugar, and iced buns.
Natalie indulged on probably a week’s worth of calories while she spoke to her mother, telling her what was wrong.
She of course left out the part about the wild sex last night, but it wouldn’t have taken two guesses to figure out that something like that must have happened for her to be like this.
She expressed her worries and her mother did exactly what Natalie needed. She listened and only spoke when she saw that Natalie was done talking.
“Have you told him how worried you are?” she asked, twisting around next to her.
Natalie shook her head. “I think he knows.” Last night when she started crying was a full surety of that.
He’d called five times since she’d been here.
He’d know that something was up. He would have known from this morning when she left.
“You should tell him, tell him how you feel.” Her mother smiled.
“I can’t, there’s no point, I’d just end up embarrassing myself again.”
“Again?” Her mother raised her brows and gave her a little smile.
Natalie nodded and looked away. “I told him I loved him.”
“Ohh sweet girl, when did this happen?”
“When I was nineteen, before he left,” she replied.
“You didn’t tell me you did that. And what did he say?”
She would rather not remember that. She’d always focused on the more embarrassing parts of what had happened that night as opposed to anything else. “He said he cared about me, but I should find someone else who would suit me better.”
“Natalie, you were both very young then. I know you may not think this, but sometimes doing things at different times can make a difference.”
“You think if I tell him I love him he’ll stay?” Natalie was interested to know if that would really work.
Her mother brushed her hand across her cheek and gave her shoulder a reassuring squeeze.
“I’m not sure I have the answer to that, that decision will be his. What I know, though, is that you never know the meaning someone will place on being told they are valued and loved. It is almost always the very best thing they could ever hear, especially if he loves you too.”
“He doesn’t love me.” He couldn’t, because if he did he would never leave her, or even think of putting her through any form of worry.
“Has he told you that?” Her mother laughed.
“No, I can’t even imagine Luke telling me he likes me, much less to tell me he loves me. He doesn’t.”
“Don’t be so quick to dismiss the possibility, my sweet girl. Don’t, but don’t push for an answer, either. It’s still early and he’s only been home for a little while. He went through a lot, and there’s a lot he needs to work through. But that doesn’t prevent you from talking and telling him how worried you are. Then you know where you stand.”
Natalie observed her mother’s keen expression and decided that what she was saying sounded like good advice. She could talk to Luke. In fact, it would be the best thing for her to do.
Besides, they hadn’t really gotten into any deep conversation about what happened to him. It would be difficult and awkward, but she couldn’t go from one day to the next worrying for him and waiting anxiously for him to decide what he would do.
“Thanks, Mom.” She gave her mother a little smile, feeling appreciative of the guidance. It made her feel like she had something to work with.
“I’m glad I could be of use. But…sad for the state you were in when you got here.”
Natalie couldn’t have helped that, but now that she’d calmed down she felt uneasy for some of the things she had said to her mother, even if they were true.
“I love you, Natalie. And if you don’t know that then I’ve failed in some way,” her mother expressed.
Natalie straightened up. “No, I do know. I just wish that you could accept that I know what I’m doing with my life. You and Dad are always at my throat like I’m a child, or some kind of loser.” It was good that she was having this chance to speak to her like this.
To Natalie’s surprise, her mother nodded. “I’m sorry. It’s hard sometimes to accept that your child is all grown up and they can actually take care of themselves. It’s even harder to acknowledge that you never really needed me or your father.”
All Natalie could do was stare. She wasn’t sure if she was hearing right, and she wasn’t certain how to answer.
“Of course I need you guys, Mom,” she offered.
“Did you, baby girl? When? The rest of the family all followed each other like sheep and fell right into law. You chose finance. We know nothing about finance and you seem to be doing well with it. I worried when you first decided to do it because I didn’t have a clue as to what to tell you or advise you, and I worried when you came back from L.A. because things didn’t work out.”
Natalie observed her mother’s open expression as she confessed her true feelings. Each point surprising her more than the last.
“I didn’t know you felt like that.” Natalie sighed.
“My dear, you have no idea. Then I thought you may be selling yourself short by working for the Donovans because I couldn’t imagine them challenging you in the way that you were pushed in L.A. So all the things I’ve said may have sounded like I was putting you down and comparing you to everyone else, but I genuinely wasn’t.” She placed her hand at her heart and smiled. “Although, I can see how my words would have come across that way. I’m truly sorry, sweet girl.”
Natalie sighed. “It’s okay. I guess coming here today helped me in more ways than one.”
“How about we hang out for a little while. We could go do our nails, see a film and stuff our faces with something fattening?” Her mother nodded.
Natalie smiled at the idea of that. A day out sounded good. It would provide a much needed distraction.
“Yes, I’d like that,” she agreed.
A few hours out to get her mind off everything, then she’d have to either call Luke or send him a message.
Chapter 13
Luke
* * *
He stopped calling Natalie after the twentieth time. He figured that was more than enough times and had bordered on being stalkerish and obsessed.
Two things Luke was not.
Okay, maybe he’d consider obsession, but only for her.
Why else would he be sitting on her doorstep waiting for her to come home?
Jessica and Laura weren’t in, so he was here outside, just waiting.
Waiting and wondering. Wondering and worrying.
Natalie wouldn’t just ignore him for no reason, and he suspected her reasons lay with the possibility of him going back to the Marines.
She had cried a lot last night. He saw her trying not to but she did, and it wasn’t how he wanted their night to end.
He didn’t want the night to end. Then when he woke up and found she’d left, he felt even worse.
Luke looked for her everywhere but to no avail.
It was eight now. He just hoped she came home. He really wanted to see her.
Madness would take over his mind if he didn’t.
He ran his hand over his head and across the shadow of a beard that was forming on his face. When he looked over the garden path he saw her and straightened up immediately. She hadn’t seen him yet. She was shuffling through her purse and took out her keys and her phone, which she paused in mid-track to look at.
A pained expres
sion settled over her pretty face that made him worry. Surely she must have seen the missed calls on the screen.
Was that why she looked like that?
He’d never had to worry over any woman like this. He figured, though, that it mattered more because she was the one he wanted.
She started walking again and stopped once more when she saw him.
Thank God her face didn’t have that pained expression he just witnessed. It softened somewhat and he hoped like hell she wasn’t going to tell him she thought last night was a mistake.
For him it was the best night he’d ever had in his life, and it would crush him if that was what she thought. She seemed to enjoy the good parts as much as he did, but it was just how it ended.
He stood when she walked up to him, but his heart sank when she stopped paces away and didn’t fall into his arms like he hoped she would.
He looked down at the beautiful woman before him, wishing he knew what she was thinking and hoping like hell that he hadn’t lost her.
“I’m sorry I didn’t call you back,” she spoke, breaking into the silence of the night.
“It’s okay. I thought I’d wait here. I figured you had to show up at some point, right?” He was trying to remain cool and calm, but it wasn’t in his nature to have things out of his control. One thing he realized about this whole thing with her was that he couldn’t control what happened with them.
“I was going to call,” she replied.
“Well, I’m here. So we can talk now.”
She looked uneasy. “It’s harder to talk to you like this.”
“Face to face is always best.” He nodded, now feeling annoyed. “You don’t want to see me anymore? Is that what you wanted to tell me, but on the phone?”
“No.”
“No to what part? And what do you mean?”
“Luke, I want to see you, but I don’t know if that’s the best thing for me.” Even in the soft light that came from the surrounding lampposts he could see the pain in her eyes.
“Why wouldn’t it be? I thought you said you’d try.” That day in the greenhouse he knew she wouldn’t be okay because of how uncertain she’d sounded. “Baby, let’s be real with each other. Say what you want to say. There’s no point in half conversations, or never telling me what it is your feeling.”
Only You Page 10
