by Sarah Noffke
“So if you’re here about the wanted ad, the job for a dishwasher has already been filled,” Lee told her matter-of-factly while wiping down the counter with a dirty rag.
“I’m not,” Sophia stated dryly.
The baker let out a breath. “You should have applied. How much longer are you going to sleep on your parent’s couch and mooch off them?”
“My parents are dead, and I’m a dragonrider for the Elite,” Sophia argued, mostly amused.
“Don’t try that dead parents thing on me,” Lee countered. “I know all too well that your parents don’t have to be alive to sleep on their couch.”
“Can we move on?”
“You don’t want the job washing dishes?” Lee asked.
“I thought you filled it.”
“I lied,” Lee said coyly. “I was playing hard to get. You know, make you want it and think you couldn’t have it.”
“I’m good,” Sophia replied. “Think I’m going to stick with my day job of adjudicating and saving the world.”
“’Kay, well, when that whole thing falls through, you know where to find me,” Lee sang and continued to wipe down the counters.
“I’m here because I need your help with something.”
In a flash, Lee jumped up on a nearby stool, pushed back a tile in the ceiling, and retrieved a long sword from a hiding spot. She held it close to her chest and grinned. “Who hurt you? How many pieces do you want them in?”
Sophia’s eyes widened. “Whoa, do you think it’s safe to keep blades overhead like that?”
“Probably not,” Lee stated. “But neither is keeping them above my wife’s side of the bed, or in the bags of flour here, or between the towels in the linen closet. Do you think that stops me?”
“I’m going to answer with no, Bob.”
Lee shot a finger gun at Sophia. “Right-o, you are.”
“Anyway,” Sophia drew out the word. “I don’t need your help with taking anyone out. Quite the opposite.”
Lee shook her head. “How many times have I told you that I can’t bring people back from the dead?”
“Never,” Sophia answered.
“Oh, then that’s a very realistic, repetitive dream I’ve been having.” Lee shook her head as if dispelling a strange thought.
“Anyway, I’ve heard from a source that you might be able to help me with something,” Sophia began. “You see, it involves poison.”
Lee nodded. “I knew you would come around. Who are we poisoning? That boyfriend of yours? Your sister? Oh, maybe both? That’s how it always goes. The ones you love the most are the ones you need taken down at some point.”
Sophia’s eyes widened. “You are a very warped individual.”
“Thank you,” Lee said proudly.
“And no,” Sophia stated firmly. “I don’t want you to poison anyone. Quite the opposite. The water supply in Scotland has been tampered with, and it’s affecting the sheep. I need your help with fixing it.”
Lee gave her a reluctant look. “I’m not in favor of helping things to live. My job is to take down the world’s population, not keep it going.”
“Well, the dragons eat sheep, and they help us take down bad guys,” Sophia argued. “So if you can fix the water problem, then the dragons will be happy and can massacre large leagues of villains.”
Lee leaned forward on her arms, which rested on the countertop. “I’m listening.”
“Look, I’m sure we can find a way to compensate you for your time and all,” Sophia stated. “Just think what it is that you need and—”
“Accompany me to the Fantastical Armory,” Lee said in a rush.
It was such a weird and easy request that Sophia paused and tilted her head. “What? But you’ve been there with me.”
“I know, but I’m too afraid to go in there by myself,” Lee related. “You know, it being Father Time’s shop and all.”
“It’s Subner’s, but I guess I get it,” Sophia stated.
“Well, you see, I’ve been trying to work up the nerve to go into the shop and ask Father Time for his autograph.”
“That’s what you want?” Sophia asked.
“Oh, yeah!” Lee exclaimed. “I’ve got a huge book of autographs. Really famous people like Micky Cocker and Kelly O’Donnell.”
“I don’t know them—”
“Your loss,” Lee stated. “Anyway, it’s been a lifelong dream to add Father Time’s autograph to the scrapbook. And as a bonus, if Subner, the weapons guy is there—”
“I think he’s under the weather,” Sophia interrupted.
Lee rubbed her hands together with a satisfied expression on her face. “Even better.”
“Wait; what?”
“Nothing,” the baker assassin said at once.
“Well, I did need to check on Dr. Freud’s progress with Subner,” Sophia mused.
“Exactly,” Lee stated. “And while you do that, I’ll get Father Time’s autograph, or you have the old geezer accompany you while you check on Sub-whatever. Either way, I request you accompany me in the Fantastical Armory, or I’m not killing your sheep.”
“Saving them,” Sophia corrected.
Lee waved her hand dismissively at her. “Whatever, same thing.”
“It’s not,” Sophia argued. “Are you sure that you can help with the poisoned water?”
Lee nodded confidently. “Oh, yeah. It’s easy to reverse engineer these things. If you can make a poison, then you can take it out. It’s simple science.”
Sophia blinked at her friend blankly. “Not for most. If you have such skills, why not use them for good?”
This seemed to be an outrageous idea for the baker assassin. “Why ever would I want to do that?”
“Well,” Sophia began, working out the idea. “If you could help others by fixing their poisoned water supplies, for instance, then they would be reliant on you and you could charge them a premium and make a killing off helping them with their problems.”
“Then I go around poisoning water supplies and waiting for them to call me to fix the problem,” Lee said victoriously.
“Nooooo,” Sophia stated firmly. “I was thinking that you went around helping with existing problems. There are enough of them in the world. Then you’re rewarded handsomely with tons of dollars. And it’s a win-win for everyone.”
“I don’t like the part where no one dies, but I could warm to this idea,” Lee said skeptically. “I like your idea of having lots of money that Cat doesn’t know about that I can use to buy a private island where I escape to every weekend.”
“That wasn’t my entire idea,” Sophia argued. “Just the getting handsomely rewarded for using your powers for good.”
“Will you stop saying it that way?” Lee grimaced. “You don’t know how to sell an idea.”
“Fine,” Sophia acquiesced. “We’ll work out these details later. But in the meantime, you’ll help me with my water supply problem?”
“If you take me to the Fantastical Armory right now.”
“Sure,” Sophia answered. “Grab your autograph book.”
Lee patted her pocket which appeared empty except for the shape of something that resembled a knife. “I’ve always got it on me.”
“That seems overzealous.” Sophia headed for the door, grateful she was that much closer to helping the sheep at the Gullington and therefore the dragons.
As they exited the Crying Cat Bakery, Lee called to the back, “I’m going to the brothels. I’ll be back when I damn well please, woman!”
“Bring me back some cigarettes,” Cat yelled back without missing a beat.
Chapter Ninety-Four
“Why not tell your wife the truth, that you were going to help me with a problem affecting all of Scotland?” Sophia asked as they made their way to the Fantastical Armory.
Lee scowled at her. “You are out of touch, aren’t you? I bet you’re nice to that boyfriend of yours, always lifting him up and never tearing him down.”
“Yeah
, usually I tell him that I love him often.”
The assassin baker shook her head. “Who hurt you, Sophia? Who hurt you?”
“My siblings always told me that they loved me often,” Sophia related while thinking fondly of Reese and Ian. A pang of grief hit her for a moment. “And now, Clark has kept up the tradition. I start to worry that she’s fallen into a pit of lava yet again if I don’t get an I love you GIF once a day from Liv. It’s the way the Beaufonts are. Apparently, my parents believed that you couldn’t express love too much.”
Lee shivered as if this admission grossed her out. “Can we change the subject? This is all bordering too close to an after school special, and I just ate.”
Sophia laughed and led the way to the Fantastical Armory.
“Hey,” Lee said with enthusiasm. “Do you want to hear something that will make you want to die?”
“Strangely, no.”
“Okay, here it goes. I’ve been working on some new material.” Lee cleared her throat. “If you're American when you go in the bathroom and American when you come out, what are you in the bathroom?”
Sophia cut her eyes at the woman. “What?”
“European!”
“Oh, angels above.” Sophia groaned.
“What's red and bad for your teeth?” Lee asked.
“Twizzlers?” Sophia attempted to answer, not sure why she was encouraging the bad joke-telling. Probably because she missed Lunis, she reasoned.
“A brick!” Lee exclaimed with a delighted laugh.
“You should save these jokes for Papa Creola,” Sophia offered. “I’m sure he’ll love them.” She knew for a fact that he wouldn’t and his irritation would be palpable, but that would be entertaining for her to watch.
“Do you want to hear a joke about paper?” Lee asked, suddenly quite serious.
“Do I have a choice?” Sophia countered.
Lee waved her hand at her. “Never mind, it's tearable.”
“Do you by chance have any poison on you?” Sophia asked. “If so, I’ll take a drink.”
Lee shot her fist into the air victoriously. “I knew the new jokes were right on the money. And by that, I mean so bad they’d kill.”
“You have quite the gift,” Sophia agreed while rounding the corner into the Fantastical Armory, where she should have been surprised to find Papa Creola standing in the middle of the store, his arms crossed and his eyes directed at the pair.
“Let’s get this over with, shall we?” he asked as soon as they strode into the shop.
Chapter Ninety-Five
“Am I late for an appointment with you that I didn’t know I was going to have until a few minutes ago?” Sophia asked Papa Creola, who wore his usual impatient expression.
“Pretty much,” he replied, then turned and strode for the door at the back of the shop.
“Do you want to give me a list of these appointment times so I can put them on my calendar and be on time?” Sophia hurried after him.
He shook his head. “That’s not how it works.”
Lee had paused at the front of the shop and nervously teetered back and forth with her hands in her pockets.
Sophia gestured at her. “So my friend here—”
“Has to stay in the showroom while we go and check on Subner,” Papa Creola interrupted.
“Oh, but she wants—”
“I’m fine,” Lee cut in. “You two go. I’ll stay here and wait.”
“Is no one going to let me finish my sent—”
“No,” Papa Creola interrupted again as he yanked open the door and charged through.
Sophia had been down to Father Time’s office before, and it was a hundred stories down in a basement. However, the room they stepped into wasn’t at all what she expected.
They had entered what appeared to be a psych ward in a hospital. The floors and walls were so white that they made Sophia blink from the sudden brightness. It seemed that they were in an empty viewing room. On the far side was a two-way mirror, and through it, Sophia saw Subner and Dr. Tiffannee Freud.
The Protector of Weapons was lying on a couch with his hands clasped over his chest. Beside him, the psychiatrist sat in a large armchair and scribbled on a yellow pad of paper.
“Now in this dream, what happened next?” Dr. Freud asked.
“Well, I was supposed to take a little boy on vacation with me,” Subner began, his voice airy like usual since he’d become an elf, but thankfully he wasn’t talking in hippie quotes. “The plan was to meet him at the airport and go from there. It was a charity trip of sorts, and his grandmother was going to deliver him with his suitcase. But when they showed up, they didn’t have a suitcase. I called his mother, and she didn’t think it was a good idea to take him since the grandmother hadn’t prepared him. However, I was sad about disappointing him, so I was naturally torn.”
Dr. Freud bit the end of her pen. “That’s very interesting…”
“Is it?” Subner sounded confused. “I’ve had the dream every day for months, since becoming an elf, but I don’t get the significance.”
“The different characters in the dream represent the three distinct parts of yourself,” the doctor stated. “The little boy is your id, the part of your desires that wants what it wants regardless of how practical, or rather impractical it is.”
Sophia gave Papa Creola a speculative look, wondering if she should be watching this session that seemed personal and between the Protector of Weapons and his therapist.
He caught her looking at him and said, “We’ll stay a little longer. That’s all that’s needed.”
“For what?” she asked, confused.
“Shush,” he commanded and pointed at the two-way mirror as the doctor continued.
“The grandmother represents your superego, which is obviously out of balance and forgot to prepare your less governed self,” Dr. Freud imparted. “And finally, the mother is your ego, who is realistic, but inevitably has to deliver the disappointing news regarding what is possible.”
“What am I to do with this information?” Subner asked.
“The key to balance for anyone is to find balance among the three parts,” the doctor explained. “When one is more dominant, then the psyche suffers, as you’ve experienced by regressing. In your elfin form, your ego doesn’t get heard, as you’ve pointed out, and feels disappointed that your id self wouldn’t get to go on the trip because of practicality. And your superego refuses to prepare the id for what it wants. So to achieve balance, you’re going to need to—”
“Well, that should just about do it,” Papa Creola interrupted, talking over the psychiatrist so that Sophia couldn’t hear what she said for Subner to do.
She gawked at him. “Wait; what? What should just about do it?”
“We’ve been gone long enough,” Papa Creola stated and made his way back to the door.
“What are you talking about?” Sophia asked. “You brought me in here to see Subner’s progress?”
“Yeah, sure,” Papa Creola said dismissively.
“Well, he will get better right?” She looked from Papa Creola through the two-way mirror.
“Yes, he just has to assimilate the parts of himself and come to terms with this form,” Papa Creola answered. “He will look different the next time you see him. When you think you see a stranger on Roya Lane, it will be him.”
“Okay.” Sophia drew out the word. “When will that be? When should I expect to get these weapons that will help me fight this mysterious magical creature or creatures or whatever it is that you won’t disclose?”
“When the weapons are ready for you.” Papa Creola opened the door to the shop again.
Sophia sighed and followed him through. “You should be glad I’m so patient and have come to terms with being locked in the dark.”
“I will be glad if you take that assassin from my shop before she tells me a bad joke,” Papa Creola stated while striding back into the Fantastical Armory’s main showroom.
Lee
suddenly straightened while whistling conspicuously. “I’m not doing anything. I was just standing here.”
“Ummm…okay.” Sophia looked around suspiciously.
“It’s time for you two to leave.” Papa Creola pointed at the door.
“Yeah, but first, Lee wanted your—”
The assassin baker grabbed Sophia’s arm and hauled her toward the door. “Didn’t you hear the man? It’s time to leave.”
“But you wanted his—”
“Get out, Sophia,” Papa Creola ordered.
“Why is it that you two keep interrup—”
“Would you stop blabbering all the time?” Lee cut in. “We’re busy people who haven’t got the time for your nonsense.”
Sophia shook her head at the crazy people and allowed the assassin baker to drag her out of the shop. She waved to Papa Creola as Lee pulled her out the door. “I’m guessing I’ll be late to see you the next time. Which will be?”
“You’ll find out,” Papa Creola replied in a commanding tone.
Chapter Ninety-Six
Once they were out on Roya Lane and not even out of sight of the Fantastical Armory, Lee withdrew a large sword from the back of her waistband with a sigh.
“Oh, that feels much better.” She let out a breath. “I never thought we’d get out of that place, you little dawdler.”
Sophia froze in place, her eyes wide. “You stole that!”
“I borrowed it,” Lee corrected.
“We have to go back,” Sophia argued. “You have to return it.”
Lee laughed. “Yeah, right. I’ve had my eye on this pretty thing for a while.” She ran her gaze over the blade appreciatively.
“Oh my God, that was all a trick.” Sophia put it all together. “You didn’t want Papa Creola’s autograph. I bet you don’t have an autograph book.”
The assassin grinned wide. “So you weren’t born yesterday. You’re cute with your naivety and desire to see the best in others. By the way, would you like to buy a constellation? I have a few for sale.”
“I can’t believe you!” Sophia’s fists balled by her side.
“Fine.” Lee groaned. “How about a few stars? I’ve got a two-for-one special. If you’re ever in that area, then you’re allowed to camp on your star, but you have to pay a housekeeping fee.”
