by Katie Ashley
“After this surgery, can Abby…can she still have a baby?” I croaked.
“Yes, the left ovary and left fallopian tube are not damaged. Usually, the remaining ovary will compensate for the lost one. It will depend on if there is any further damage from the hemorrhaging. Although she is young and healthy and could conceive on her own, I wouldn’t rule out the use of IUI or IVF in the future to help matters along.”
“I see,” I murmured. Oh, fucking hell. My poor Angel…if only I had gotten to her quicker, maybe there would have been less damage.
“You and your family will want to go on up to the surgical floor waiting room. As soon as she is in recovery, a doctor will come out and tell you how the surgery went.”
Once Dr. Miller left, the adrenaline in me depleted. My muscles felt rubbery, and they wouldn’t support my weight. I collapsed back into my seat and buried my head in my hands. I shuddered at the smell of blood of my hands. Abby’s blood.
Oh God, Abby was going into emergency surgery…she might not be able to have children like we planned. It was all too much, and I moaned in agony.
At the feel of Mia’s hand on my back, I tensed. I didn’t want her words of sympathy, nor did I want her comfort. I just wanted to be alone, so that I could somehow muster the strength to enable me to put on a brave face for Abby.
Mia soft voice came close to my ear. “Jake, I’m so, so sorry.”
Twisting my shoulders, I slung her hand off me. “Just leave me alone.”
“Hey man, I know you’re hurting, but the last thing you need to do is to shut down. It isn’t good for you and it isn’t good for Abby,” AJ said.
I jerked my head up to glare him. “Don’t you dare try to tell me what’s good for Abby. I’m her husband. I know better than anyone what she needs. As hard as it’s going to be, I know I have to be strong for her right now because I know the minute she comes out of surgery and hears this news, she’s going to fall apart. She’s wanted a baby with me practically since the moment we met. And now I have to go in there and try to pretend that everything is all right when she may never get what she wanted.”
Mia reached over and took my hand in hers. “I know the prognosis isn’t the best in the world, but the doctor didn’t say Abby couldn’t have children.”
“What do you two know about anything? You weren’t even trying and bam, you got pregnant. Hell, neither of you even wanted kids. There’s nothing Abby wants more than to have a baby, and now that’s going to be a fucking struggle for her.”
AJ narrowed his eyes at me. “Fuck you, man. Just because Bella wasn’t planned, it doesn’t mean we love her any less or that we didn’t want her. Last time I checked, there isn’t some pissing contest about who deserves what.”
I snorted contemptuously. “Obviously because Abby sure as hell deserves a baby more than some whore who got knocked up!”
The moment the words left my lips I instantly regretted them and wished I could take them back. I grimaced when Mia gasped in horror while wounded tears welled in her dark eyes. Before I could say I was sorry, AJ’s fist cracked into my jaw, sending me spiraling backwards. It had been a long time since I’d felt the power of AJ’s right hook, but damn if he still didn’t have it.
But he didn’t stop with just a punch. He popped me in the abdomen, too. Stars flashed before my eyes as Brayden and Rhys scrambled to pull AJ away from me.
“AJ, stop!” Brayden cried.
As I rubbed my aching jaw and clutched my stomach, AJ shoved Brayden off him. His face was blood-red, and his eyes were wild with fury. “He called my wife a whore! He’s lucky I don’t break his fucking neck!”
“Leave him alone, Bray,” I muttered as I pulled myself to my feet. I staggered away from the group, making my way to the elevators. I wasn’t sure where in the hell I was going. I just knew I couldn’t stay here anymore. Even I if I said I was sorry, it was going to take some time to get AJ to cool off. But, I sure as hell felt bad for what I had said to Mia.
I stumbled onto the elevator going down, which I felt made a hell of a lot of sense considering my mood. Digging in my pocket, I pulled out my phone and proceeded to make the call I was dreading. I didn’t know if in their shock, Gabe and Eli had managed to call their parents. Laura, Abby’s mother, answered on the first ring. “Jake, is something wrong? We have some missed calls from Eli.” I tried as best I could to explain what was going on.
As she burst into tears, I cringed. “We’ll be on the next plane out. If we don’t make it before she comes out of surgery, please tell her how much we love her, and we’re trying to get there to be with her.”
“I will.”
After I hung up, I wandered around the lobby. At the sight of the chapel, I dipped inside. St. Augustine’s wasn’t big on religious diversity or having an interfaith chapel. Instead, votive candles flickered on a table underneath a lit cross.
I eased down on one of the back benches. I didn’t know exactly what I was doing here. I hadn’t come here for soul searching or to unburden myself. I just wanted to escape. Heaving a frustrated sigh, I turned and then lay down. I stared up at the ceiling, trying to sort through the emotional shit-storm that raged within me. I don’t know how long I lay there, ignoring the beeps and pings of my phone. Minutes. Hours. An eternity seemed to go by.
My ears perked up at the sound of someone coming in the door. As they hurried past me to the altar, I craned my head back to look at them. It was Mia. When her back was to me, I rose up on the bench, eying her movements. She knelt before the altar and made the sign of the cross. Taking a candle, she bowed her head. “Heavenly Father and Holy Mother, please watch over Abby. Protect her through the surgery and carry her through the recovery. Most of all, bless her and her womb.” A flicker a light came from the wick as the candle burning for Abby caught light. I expected her to turn around then, but instead, she took another candle. “And please comfort and protect Jake.”
Her words had the same effect as AJ punching me, except this time I felt it in my chest, rather than my chin. “I don’t deserve that,” I croaked.
At the sound of my voice, Mia jumped and whirled around. Her face flushed. “I-I didn’t know you were here.”
“Yeah, I thought it was better if I laid low until after the surgery was over.”
Mia chewed her bottom lip before coming over to sit down beside me. An uncomfortable silence hung around us for a few seconds. Finally, she broke it. “I’m sorry AJ hit you.”
I shook my head. “Don’t be. I’m sure as hell not. I deserved it. I said some really horrible shit to you two.” I gazed into her widened, dark eyes. “I’m really, really sorry, Mia. That was a horrible thing to say to you. You know I don’t, and have never thought of you as a whore. I have no idea why I said that. More than anything, you’re an amazing wife and mother.” I brushed my hand over my face. “God, I don’t know what came over me.”
Mia exhaled the breath I suppose she had been holding. “You were in pain. And like a wounded animal, you struck out at those who were just trying to help you.”
Tears stung my eyes. “Abby would be fucking floored at what I said. All I do is disappoint her.” I furiously shook my head. “I’m no good for her.”
Reaching over, Mia took my hand in hers and squeezed. “That’s not true, Jake. Abby loves you with all her heart and soul.”
“Sometimes I think I’m a curse for her.”
“What?”
“She was almost beaten to death because of me and now fucking this happens.”
“Oh Jake, you’re not a curse. You love Abby and would never do anything to hurt her. She knows that too.” When I opened my mouth to protest, Mia brought her hands to my lips to silence me. “The last thing Abby would ever want is for you to be thinking like you are. Bad things happen to good people every single day. What happened with the cyst happens to thousands and thousands of women. You had absolutely nothing to do with it. Abby told me she’d had cysts before. She could have had it checked out when she fir
st started having pains, but she didn’t. Even so, she’s not to blame either. Shit just happens.”
With a defeated sigh, I let my head fall back. Once again, I found myself staring up at the ceiling. “You’re right.”
“Of course I am.”
When I jerked my head to gaze at her, Mia smiled. I laughed and shook my head. “You really are the perfect match for AJ.”
At my words, her smile grew even wider. “Thank you. I love him with all my heart.”
“I can tell. I’m glad he found you.”
“See, there’s the sweet Jake I’m used to.”
My brows shot up. “You really think I’m sweet?”
“Most of the time, yes. You can also be an arrogant, self-absorbed dick sometimes, but for the most part, you’re pretty sweet.”
I laughed at her honesty. “Yeah, you’re right.”
“Most of all, you’re a caring and devoted husband. Anyone can see that. And one day, you’ll be a wonderful father.”
All the fears about becoming a father, letting my future children down, and cheating on Abby raged in my chest, and I drew a ragged breath. “I hope so.”
Mia’s phone dinged in her pocket. “Sorry, I need to check this. I left Bella with Frank.”
I chuckled. “She’ll be fine. He’ll spoil her rotten by giving her too much sugar and not putting her to bed.”
She smiled as she peeked at her phone. “It’s AJ. He wondered where I was. They’re upstairs in the surgical waiting room.” She rose up and tucked her phone back in her jean’s pocket. Then she held out her hand. “Come on. Let’s go.”
I grimaced. “I dunno if that is such a good idea.”
“You don’t need to be alone right now, Jake. We’re your family.” When I started to protest, she shook her head. “AJ loves you. He’s had some time to cool down. Just tell him you’re sorry, and I’m sure everything will be fine.”
“I hope you’re right.”
She cocked her head at me and smiled. “Don’t you know by now that we Runaway Train women are always right?”
I laughed. “Yeah, I think I do.” I rose off the bench and then followed her out the door to the elevators. When we walked through the door of the surgical waiting room, AJ’s eyes bulged at the sight of us. He glanced from me to Mia and threw her a questioning glance.
“Everything is fine,” she assured him.
While he nodded his head, he still stood up and came over to wrap his arm around Mia’s waist protectively. After raking my hand through my hair, I sighed. “Sorry, man. What I said was so fucking wrong. I’ve apologized to Mia, and she accepted it. I hope you can, too.”
His dark brows furrowed while he surveyed my words. “Don’t ever go there again. I don’t care what’s going on in your life—I’ll end you, I swear.”
“If I ever do such a douche thing again, you have my permission.” I took a tentative step forward. “You’re my best friend in the whole world. I never, ever want to hurt you or anyone you love. Okay?”
“Okay,” he said. With a tentative smile, he gave me a hug.
“Mr. Slater?” a voice questioned.
AJ released me, so I could whirl around. I stared questioningly at the young male doctor in the doorway. “Yeah?” I croaked, my heart shuddering to a stop.
He smiled. “Your wife came through the surgery just fine. We were able to stop the hemorrhaging, and the removal of the tube and ovary went well. She’s in recovery, and you can come and see her in a few minutes.”
I closed my eyes and staggered back until AJ caught me. “Thank God,” I murmured. Once I could breathe regularly again, I pulled away from AJ. I stared around the group of my band mates and Abby’s brothers. “Thank you all for being here. For loving me and Abby so much.” I couldn’t fight the tears anymore, and I broke down. AJ’s arms came around me as well as Brayden and Rhys’s. They didn’t tell me to man-up or call me out for being a pansy. Instead, they just patted my back, spoke soothingly to me, in an acceptable man-way, and let me cry. We truly were brothers in that moment.
After I’d pulled myself together, a nurse came to take me to Abby. I followed her back through the maze of rooms to where Abby was. Her eyes were closed, and her face was as pale as the white sheet she had drawn to her chest. I eased down in the chair beside her and took her hand. “Angel?”
Her eyelids fluttered as she tried to wake up. “I’m right here, babe.” I squeezed her hand reassuringly.
She stared up at the ceiling for a moment before her head slowly turned to look at me. A smile formed on her lips. “Hey.”
The sweet sound of her voice sent warmth through my chest. I leaned in to kiss her hand. “Hey, yourself.”
Her gaze swept around the room, taking in the machines, and she shuddered. “Am I okay?”
“Yeah, you are now.”
My words didn’t console her. Her lip trembled as tears pooled in her eyes. “Can I still…”
I was sure she didn’t know much of what had happened, but it wasn’t hard to believe her first thoughts would be to worry about having a child. “Yes, you can. And we will someday, I promise.”
“Sooner than later?” she whispered.
In my heart of hearts, regardless of what had just happened tonight, I still wasn’t ready. But I knew I would be a real bastard to say that while Abby lay recovering from major surgery. So, I forced a reassuring smile to my lips. “Of course, Angel. As soon as the doctor says you’re ready.”
The lie left a bitter taste in my mouth, but I wouldn’t have taken anything for the beaming smile that lit up Abby’s face. I dreaded the day that I had to disappoint her again.
Nine Months Later
Sometimes you spend so much time pretending that you forget what real is. That’s exactly what happened to me in the weeks following my surgery. The strong hold I had on being positive began to slip. The ‘what-ifs’ began to plague me, and anxiety sent me reeling. But while there was a storm brewing within me, I appeared calm and serene on the outside. No one would have ever guessed how much torment I was in. I had a smile permanently carved on my face although I was becoming hollow on the inside.
Everyone wanted the positive, happy, and sweet Abby, and that’s exactly what they got. I threw myself into touring and promoting our new album. When I was home, I worked constantly on making our house into a home for not only Jake and me, but for our family and friends. If I stopped for just an instant, the voices of doubt grew more intense. So I stayed as busy as I could.
But I knew there would be a breaking point—a reckoning day when it would all come crashing down on me. And when it finally came, I never imagined how heart-wrenching it would actually be…
“What do you think about this one?” I asked, as I held up a beautiful bouquet of delicate pink roses.
“Looks good,” Jake mumbled, barely taking his eyes off the magazine he was reading.
I grinned and rolled my eyes. Jake could have cared less what flowers we got for Lily and Brayden. He was completely out of his element in the hospital gift shop. He had zoned out the moment we stepped into the baby section, and while I was busy smelling flowers, he had ducked away to grab the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly.
“Okay then, we’ll get these for Lily and Brayden, and now we need something for the baby.”
Jake’s brows furrowed as he brought his gaze from the magazine to mine. “I thought we already gave them a present.”
I waved my hand dismissively. “That was at the baby shower. We can’t go in empty handed.”
With a sigh, Jake glanced at the shelf full of stuffed bears, rabbits, and other woodland creatures. He grabbed up a plush, white teddy bear with a giant pink bow on it. “There. Now we have something.”
“You can carry that, and I’ll take the flowers.”
“I’m not carrying this bear.”
“And why not?” I questioned on my way to the register.
“Because I’ll look like a pansy,” he hissed.
“You
’ll look perfectly normal on the maternity floor.”
He grumbled behind me, but after the cashier rang up the bear, he took it back and tucked it under his arm. “Thank you,” I said.
He grinned. “You’re welcome.”
We headed out the door to get on the elevator. Brayden and Lily’s daughter had been born around midnight last night. While it was a wonderfully exciting occasion, it was also hard because we were set to leave this afternoon for the Southern leg of tour, which started in Alabama. Brayden would have to leave Lily and his newborn daughter behind for an entire week. Luckily, both his parents, along with Lily’s mom, were coming into town to help out.
We got off on the fifth floor, which was maternity, and quickly found Lily’s room. “Knock, knock,” I said, as I pushed the door open.
“Hi guys,” Lily said. Reclining on the bed with a mountain of pillows, she held a newborn to her chest. Jake’s steps momentarily faltered in the doorway when he thought Lily might be breastfeeding, and I couldn’t help but laugh.
“Coast is clear.”
He rolled his eyes. “Whatever,” he mumbled, although I could see the relief in his eyes.
As we stepped closer to the bed, I couldn’t believe how good Lily looked after just giving birth twelve hours before. Her smile was radiant as she glanced at her beautiful baby, swathed in a pink crocheted blanket I was sure Mia had made. “Brayden will be back any second. He took Jude and Melody to get an ice cream in the cafeteria.”
“And who do we have here?” I asked.
“This is Miss Lucy.”
“Well, that’s Lucy Sky to be exact,” Brayden said from behind us. He grinned as he and the kids came inside.
“Jesus, dude, another Beatles reference?” Jake asked.
Lily laughed. “He got lucky this time because my grandmother was Lucy.”
As I stared down at Lucy in Lily’s arms, I couldn’t fight the overwhelming urge to hold her. Deep down, I knew it wouldn’t be good for me, but I couldn’t help myself. “Can I?” I asked Lily.
