CHAPTER ELEVEN: Darkness
Selena sat on her bed.
Her room was dark – silent: empty. She leaned heavily sideways against the headboard of her bed, and stared out of her small window. There was light out there, somehow – early summer evening light, in the sky over Lower Hutt – but no light inside.
Books lay on her desk, abandoned – useless. They couldn’t help her – nothing could help her.
Inside her, something stirred – something deep: something horrible. It gripped her – it gnawed at her.
Go, it said.
“No,” she whispered, gripping onto her duvet.
Do it.
“No,” she repeated – and then, suddenly, it took her: a flame, sweeping through her body – decimating her soul.
She rushed out of her room, into the bathroom – she pored over the toilet, retching.
Why bother protecting him? The voice now pounded in her ears. He never protected you!
“Leave me alone!” she gasped. “Go away!”
Her stomach heaved – and now there was blood. Horrified, she began to shake, and it pressed closer.
You chose me, it said. You chose me!
Selena clung to the toilet, and began to sob. “God!” she cried, “God!”
God? It laughed. Why would a god bother to save a wretch like you?
Her head was spinning – she tightly closed her eyes. God? What did she know about God? Old music, old clothes, fancy words – so far away! So far, as to be pointless! So far, as to be impossible…
Her father…she still loved him! She still loved him, but he was so far away! So far away…
What’s the use of his love? The voice said, penetrating her. Impotent father! Does he care for you? No! Only for his wife! Only his wife.
Selena wrapped her arms around herself, and began to tremble.
She is lost, and he discards you like shit!
Selena tried to cover her ears, but the voice became louder.
Show him what he has done.
She stared into the toilet – at the blood.
“He doesn’t know,” she whispered.
Show him.
Show him? Tears filled her eyes – no more innocence! No more childhood! Only hatred! Enemies! Enemies…
Bring him to our side.
A cold calm now came over her body. To her side, yes: no more God – no more religion.
She reached for the toilet paper, and cleaned herself. She rose to her feet. There was no going back, now – no going back.
She had already chosen her own fate.
A New Kind of Zeal Page 11
