by Elena Graf
It was nearly four o’clock when she finished washing everything and putting it away. She raced upstairs to shower before Liz came home. She was dressing when she heard her phone ringing in her little office. “Dammit!” She ran into the other room, grabbed the phone, and switched to her theatrically polite greeting.
“Maggie Krusick?” asked the caller.
“Yes, this is she.”
“Hi. It’s Bev Birnbaum from Yale.”
Maggie was puzzled. Why was her oncologist calling? “Oh, hello, Dr. Birnbaum. How are you?”
“I’m fine, thank you. Just calling to see if you have any questions.”
“Questions? About what?”
There was a puzzled silence. “Liz hasn’t talked to you yet?”
“No,” said Maggie, drawing out the word. Her mind went into an instant panic. What hadn’t Liz told her?
“Well, I’ll let her discuss it with you, but call me if you have any questions. I’m happy to talk to you.”
Maggie thanked Dr. Birnbaum and ended the call. Stunned, she sat down on the bed and put her face in her hands. No, don’t cry, she told herself. Now, more than ever, you need to be strong. She heard the front door open, and moments later, Liz was walking up the stairs.
“Hello, sweetheart,” said Liz, coming into the bedroom. She frowned when she saw Maggie was still in her bra and panties. “Not ready to go to dinner yet?”
“No, I was just getting dressed.”
“Okay.” Liz looked confused. “Take your time. I’ll be downstairs.”
She left, and Maggie mechanically pulled on her skirt and sweater. She sat down at the vanity in the dressing room to put on her makeup. Her mind was stunningly empty because she didn’t know what to think. She was afraid to imagine whatever new horror had prompted Bev Birnbaum’s call. She couldn’t believe that Liz had failed her…again. Her hand shook as she tried to put on her lipstick. She had to put the tube down and deliberately steady herself.
“Maggie!” Liz called up the stairs. “I’m getting hungry!”
“I’m coming!” Maggie finally succeeded in getting on her lipstick. She always managed to get on her makeup before a performance, even when an occasional bout of stage fright made her shaky. She’d get through this too, even if she had to draw on every bit of skill as an actress. She couldn’t waver now. Everything was much too fragile.
As Maggie came down the stairs, Liz gazed at her with that frank look of admiration she always gave her when she was dressed up to go out. The powerful desire Maggie felt for Liz when she saw the attraction in her eyes was the same. Everything was the same except Maggie knew Liz had failed her.
“Are you ready now?” Liz bent to give Maggie a kiss, but Maggie held her back with a hand on her shoulder.
“In a minute. First, I have to ask you something.”
Frowning, Liz stood straight. “Sure. What is it?”
Maggie spoke in the calmest voice she could muster. “Why does Dr. Birnbaum think you should have discussed something with me?”
Liz’s face darkened. The furrow between her brows deepened and she took a deep breath. “Your genetic tests came in.”
“When?”
Liz hesitated for a moment. “On Friday.”
Maggie nodded, glad, at least, that Liz had told her the truth. “But you didn’t tell me.” Her voice was only faintly accusing because she actually felt numb inside.
“No, I didn’t. We had a houseful of people, and I wanted some time to do more research before we discussed the results.”
Maggie braced herself. “It’s bad news.”
“It’s not the best news. You tested positive for the BRCA2 gene. I’m guessing you inherited it from your mother. Your siblings and their children should probably be tested too.”
Maggie squeezed her mind to remember the implications of having the BRCA2 gene. All she could remember from Liz’s book was that it wasn’t quite as bad as having the BRCA1 gene.
Liz reached out to put her arms around her, but Maggie pushed her back with an open palm against her shoulder. “You should have told me right away. This isn’t the first time you’ve kept something from me. How can I trust you?”
“You can trust me not to blurt out information before I have time to think about it.”
“You mean, before you have a chance to put your spin on it.”
“No, I mean, before I have all the facts.”
“Give me the bottom line.”
“The bottom line is you have an increased risk of malignant cancer. A fifty percent chance of getting breast cancer, and a seventeen percent chance of ovarian cancer. You also have a higher risk of pancreatic cancer and melanoma.”
Chapter 33
Liz could feel the force of Maggie’s disappointment in the pressure of her hand against her shoulder. She could see the anger and fear in those stormy, hazel eyes. All Liz wanted to do was to hold her and tell her everything would be all right, but the firm hand held her back.
“Why couldn’t just you tell me?” demanded Maggie in a voice about to break. “I trusted you!”
“I’m sorry, Maggie. I was waiting for an appropriate time to tell you. That’s what I would do with any other patient.”
Maggie pounded lightly on Liz’s shoulder with her fist. “I am not any other patient! You say you love me!”
Although Liz was tempted to defend herself again, she focused on calming Maggie, whose restraining hand finally fell to her side. She crumbled against Liz and began to cry.
“I’m sorry,” Liz said, holding her close.
“Don’t be sorry! Just talk to me!”
Liz increased her grip to show she’d heard the message. “Let’s sit down.”
“No,” said Maggie, straightening. “Let me get myself together.” She left, heading upstairs, Liz guessed, to mop up the ruined mascara.
With a sigh, Liz headed to the living room and slumped on the sofa while she waited for Maggie to return. Obviously, blurting out the fact that Maggie had a genetic mutation while they had all those people in the house wasn’t a good idea. Her intentions were good. She’d only been trying to avoid upset and drama in the middle of a family holiday. Never mind that she’d needed to stuff down her own feelings about the news to avoid communicating her fears. Why couldn’t Bev have waited for her to get back to her as she’d asked?
Maggie was upstairs for some time. What next? Would they go out to dinner as planned? Or should Liz think about ordering take-out from the Thai restaurant?
She had her answer a few minutes later when Maggie reappeared, makeup repaired and looking as attractive as ever. Liz often marveled at her ability to transform herself so completely, but after all, she was an actress.
“I’m ready to go to dinner,” Maggie announced in a haughty tone that Liz found confusing until she realized Maggie had retreated into full actress mode.
“Are you sure?” asked Liz. She didn’t want to risk an emotional scene in a public place. Too many people in town knew her. “I can pick up Thai food or pizza.”
“I’d like to go to a nice restaurant while you tell me the bad news,” said Maggie in a testy voice.
“I said I’m sorry.” Liz’s tone was equally testy. Her patience was beginning to unravel.
“Yes, you did. Let’s go.” Maggie picked up her purse and opened the front door. “Let’s take the Audi and drive like civilized people. I don’t feel like indulging your adolescent fantasies tonight.”
Liz winced. She was about to call Maggie on the bitchy remark when she decided it was best not to argue. “I’ll get my keys.”
Liz pulled the Audi out of the garage. Maggie opened the door to the passenger side and got in.
“Where do you want to go to dinner?” asked Liz.
“La Scala. I feel like Italian food.”
As they headed towar
d town, there was silence in the car. Finally, Maggie said, “If we’re going to make this relationship work, you need to share information, not squat on it like a bear in the woods until you figure out what to say.”
“I have the right to think things over and formulate a reasonable response, not blurt everything out the moment I know something. That’s irresponsible.”
“When it comes to me and my health, you have no right to withhold information. Even Dr. Birnbaum was surprised.”
“She said that?”
“No, I could hear it in her voice, but she wouldn’t let on about why she was calling.”
“At least, she got that part right. I asked her to wait until I got back to her.” Liz turned on to Route 1.
“How long did you expect her to wait? You sat on the report for almost four days! That’s why you were hiding in your office. It had nothing to do with year-end accounting.”
“Now, there, you’re wrong. It was about the books. As managing partner, it’s my responsibility.”
“If it hadn’t been bookkeeping, it would have been something else.” Maggie’s voice was suddenly flat as if she’d run out of feelings. “You just couldn’t face me.”
“I didn’t want to ruin your weekend.”
“Your mother already ruined the weekend, and you wouldn’t tell me about that either.”
“My mother is my problem.”
“Your mother is our problem. My cancer is our problem. That is, unless you still consider yourself single.”
“No. I don’t.”
“Then act like we’re a couple and talk to me.” Maggie sighed. “I have a knot in my stomach. Let’s stop arguing or I won’t be able to eat.”
“Good idea.”
Liz was grateful that Maggie had set the ground rules before they reached the restaurant. There would be no discussion of ‘the thing’ until they finished their dinner.
The house grappa at La Scala was particularly good. It stung the tongue a little, but not too much. Liz held the glass of colorless liquid up to the light to admire its clarity. “So, what would you like to know about your condition and prognosis? Ask me anything, and I will answer your questions to the best of my ability.”
Maggie gave her an impatient look. “I can read all the medical stuff in your book. I want to know what you think I should do…not as a doctor who looks at facts and figures, but as the woman who says she loves me.”
Liz put the glass down and studied Maggie’s face. “I can’t tell you what to do. It’s your body.”
“Then how am I supposed to decide?”
“We’ll go down to Yale and hear what Ellen and Bev have to say. We’ll call the team together and go over all the options.”
Maggie’s expression changed from completely adult indignation to an almost childlike look of bewilderment. “Liz, I need you to tell me what to do. I’m scared.”
“It’s all about risk,” said Liz in a very rational tone, the one she used in the office when patients were becoming panicky. “We need to assess and weigh the risks…”
“Bullshit! This is my life we’re talking about!”
Liz glanced around to see if their conversation was attracting the attention of the other diners. She deliberately lowered her voice. “I know. It’s very personal. For me too, but we have to be objective.”
“You be objective. I’ll be scared.” Tears began to roll down Maggie’s cheeks. She blotted them with her napkin. “I’m sorry,” she murmured. “My mother thought she was doing the right thing. She did whatever the doctors told her, and she still died from this.”
“We should go,” said Liz. “We can talk about this at home.” She reluctantly left the half-full glass of grappa on the table because it was too strong to throw down.
Maggie waited in the lobby while Liz paid the bill. In the parking lot, she stood silently waiting for Liz to find her keys and click open the doors. As soon as Maggie was inside the car, she began to sob. Liz opened the glove box and found a few napkins from Awakened Brews and offered them to Maggie. A police warning for speeding fell out on the floor. Liz stuffed it into her pocket.
“Tomorrow, I’ll call Bev and Ellen to set up a meeting. We should probably have a gynecologic surgeon on the team. I’ll call Jenny.”
“No, thanks. I don’t want your ex-lover anywhere near me.”
“Okay,” said Liz drawing out the word. “We can ask one of Jenny’s partners. There are some outstanding surgeons in that practice.”
“Why do we need a gynecologic surgeon?”
“In case you elect to have a prophylactic oophorectomy.” Maggie stared at her. “To have your ovaries removed…to lower your risk of ovarian cancer. Really. It’s not a big deal. Most oophorectomies are performed laparoscopically.”
Maggie let out a tiny cry of dismay.
“What’s the matter? Did I say something wrong again?”
“You talk so casually about cutting up my body.”
Liz raised her shoulders. “I’m sorry. I’m a surgeon. That’s how we talk.” Liz rubbed her forehead from pure frustration. She glanced over to see if Maggie had any response, but she was huddled into her coat. Liz couldn’t clearly see her face. “So, can I start planning a team meeting?”
“Sure. If that’s what you want,” said Maggie in a listless voice that left Liz confused.
When they arrived home, Maggie went upstairs to get ready for bed. Liz remained downstairs to build up the fire as she usually did before turning in for the night.
“Yes, you can set up a meeting,” Maggie said as Liz got into bed, “but find someone other than Jenny. I don’t want her to be any part of it.”
“I’m sure I wouldn’t want Barry to have any say over my medical treatments.”
“You hate Barry.”
“No, I don’t. Not anymore. I couldn’t care less about him.”
“When Sophia put him on the phone on Thanksgiving, he said he was sorry to hear about the cancer.”
“That’s nice, I guess.” Liz said it because it was expected, but she still hated to think that Barry still existed, never mind had any contact with Maggie or her daughters.
“It’s really hard to hear people’s condolences… It’s like they assume I’m dying.”
“Despite all we can do now, cancer is very frightening to people. That’s part of why I didn’t say anything while everyone was here for Thanksgiving. If you thought it was hard hearing Barry’s condolences, imagine what my mother would have to say.”
Liz wove her arm under Maggie’s shoulders. Although, she still wasn’t a fan of snuggling while she fell asleep, she sensed that Maggie needed more than the usual reassurances. In response, Maggie moved closer. Her freshly washed hair smelled of a summer’s day, grassy and warm.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you right away,” said Liz. “I needed time figure out how I felt about it. I didn’t want my concerns to wash over on you.”
“What are your concerns?” Maggie’s voice sounded very loud in the dark.
Liz thought for a moment. “I expected the surgery and radiation to be the end of it. Now, we’re looking at a different set of problems, but at least, we know what we’re dealing with and can prepare.”
“You keep approaching this like it’s a problem to solve.”
“It is.”
“Liz, I don’t know to explain this to you. It’s really great having a doctor as my friend, but right now…right now, I need you to be my partner.”
“I’m not doing a good job?”
“Oh, you’re sweet and attentive, but you keep trying to manage my feelings. I just want you to be honest and tell me how you feel.”
“I did.”
“No, you told me your opinion as a doctor. How do you feel?”
Liz scanned her emotions to come up with an honest answer. “I’m frightene
d. I didn’t expect this either. BRCA mutations are pretty rare. You might think it’s easier because I’m a physician and know what we can do to fight this cancer. But I also know what happens if it doesn’t work.”
“So do I,” said Maggie, snuggling closer as she tugged at Liz’s waist. “Hold me. Hold me very tight.”
Chapter 34
Maggie could see the generational divide as she sat in the conference room at Yale-New Haven. The two younger women, Ellen Connelly and Jenny Carson’s partner, Melissa Katz, brought only their iPads to the meeting. They had presentations ready to go on the smartboard. Liz and Bev Birnbaum had pads and pens poised to take notes.
“Let’s get started, ladies,” Dr. Birnbaum said to open the meeting. “I’m sure you’re all busy today.”
The other women at the table nodded.
“Dr. Stolz has asked for this tumor team to review the options for Ms. Krusick, whose genetic testing came back showing she’s BRCA2 positive.” Dr. Birnbaum glanced at Liz. “Dr. Stolz is here as her PC, so—”
Liz interrupted. “I’m here as Ms. Krusick’s partner, but functionally, I’m her primary. I know we wouldn’t ordinarily include the patient in one of these meetings, but Ms. Krusick wants complete transparency regarding her case. So, please express your opinions as openly as you would if she weren’t here, and you were talking to me.”
Dr. Katz gave Liz a mildly disapproving look, which led Maggie to think she wouldn’t be following this advice. Although she’d seemed pleasant enough when they were introduced, the intense woman with dark hair and eyes had a permanent furrow between her brows.
“I’m sure you’ve all done your homework and read the case history, but I’ll do a quick summary anyway,” said Dr. Birnbaum and launched right into it. As Maggie listened to the facts of her case summarized as if she weren’t there, told in the medical shorthand that doctors evidently used with one another, she felt an odd detachment. So much of what was said she didn’t understand, but she felt it would be impolite to interrupt. She’d ask Liz to go over everything later. The last thing Maggie wanted to do was embarrass Liz in front of her colleagues or make a fool of herself. She especially didn’t want to draw attention to herself because Liz had made it obvious on the way down to New Haven that she was only being included in the meeting as a courtesy. Clearly, Liz was trying to do damage control after withholding the test results.
