by Royal Blue
“I just need a shower and something to eat, and I’ll be out of your hair,” I say tightly.
“Angel,” he says and sighs. “You can shower at my place anytime you need. I’ve told you this.”
“Yeah, I know, but I lost my keys,” I admit, running a hand through the front of my hair.
He groans and tosses his head back. “Come on, man. This is the third time.”
“Look, I’m not doing it on purpose. When I—”
“I’m not saying you are. I know things can get a little… I get that you lose things during your episodes.”
Crazy. I’m crazy. That’s what he wants to say. It’s what everyone thinks. Hell, I’m starting to think I am too. I’ve seen things I can’t unsee.
I’ve lost friends moments after we were just joking together. Like, walking to the water pallets with Green as he talked shit about going home to get his girl pregnant on her living room floor. I teased him about doing it before her parents walked in on them since his girl still hadn’t decided on the house she wanted. In the next breath, a bullet burst through his skull. He was right in the middle of his retort.
I’ve held others in my arms as they’ve taken their last breath. I’ve spent the night not knowing if I’d make it through to the next morning, but that last ambush…. I can’t unlive that last mission.
The one right before my time served. Two hundred and ten days to go, but I didn’t think I was going to make it to two hundred and nine. None of my brothers did. My team… the ones who gave their lives protecting mine and this country. Yeah, I’m fucked-up, but I’m not crazy.
“I have to lock up for the night. Why don’t you go shower in the locker room? I’m going to run out and get some roti and plantains from the Jamaican spot up the block. My boss just left, so you should be cool,” Andres says. He looks at my soaked duffel bag. “Come on.” He waves me to follow him. “I have some things in my locker.”
“Thanks, Andres.”
“You’re my brother. I wish there were more I could do. This shit kills me.”
Emotions fill his words, delivering them tightly from his throat. This has been hard on my entire family. When I think of all the misunderstandings we’ve had over the years, I wish I could turn back time. I’d gladly argue over silly things at Thanksgiving dinner.
Too bad I can’t stand to be in my parents’ small Brooklyn home longer than ten minutes. We’re a family of five, and with my sister’s husband and kids and Andres’s ex-wife and daughter, the place can get crowded fast. Not to mention the closed-off layout of the old house.
“If I could make this all go away, I would,” I say through tight lips.
“Bro—” He spins to face me. “—I get that I’ll never understand what you went through out there, but I need you to remember you have a life here. Nieces and nephews that love you, a sister and brother that are here to help you.
“Dude, I thought my life would fall apart after breaking my collarbone, and Tati filing for divorce out of the blue. I had my little girl, and I just wanted to be a good father and husband. I had no idea my wife was so unhappy,” he says, looking down at his feet.
“Tati was out the door long before she walked. You were too in love to see it,” I say before I can choke the words off.
“Yeah, that’s my point. Sometimes it takes a push to show you life can offer you better,” he says. “I’ve been trying to give you that push. Then again, I thought living on the streets would be that push. I mean, you’re Angel. There was a time when you needed to be fly every moment of the day. This… this just isn’t you.”
Tears build in my eyes, but I fight them back. There are those who accept their circumstances and fall to what’s handed to them, and then there’s me. Standing out there in the rain tonight, I identified my battle. I just need the time to pick my weapons and scope the terrain.
“I know, Andres. I know. I just need to figure some things out. I need some place with more open space. I can’t afford that in New York,” I say.
“Well, your whole damn family is here. Your ass ain’t moving down South or some shit. Maybe we can get a place together,” he says hopefully.
I scoff. “Neither one of us can afford five-thousand-dollar rent or more for a place big enough for me to breathe in.”
“Hey, it sounded good when I said it. I’m sure it would be way more.”
I scan the open space of the gym. I wish I could find a loft or something that was as open as this place. Andres looks around as if reading my mind.
“I have an idea. I’ve been on the closing shift. When I lock up at night you can come in the back door and sleep here. The shower stalls are huge. Man, your freak-outs… you know what I mean. You can chill here….”
“Yeah, I get you,” I say, staring at the ring.
My mind fills with what-ifs. What if I turned to boxing? What if I had a place like this to hold me down like Andres? What if this plan of his works?
Sleep. I’d sleep right in that ring.
“You sure that will be okay?” I murmur.
“As long as you’re out of here by six in the morning before the boss arrives, we’re good. You just said you need more space and to figure things out. Take some time here and do that. You can beat this. I know you can.”
I nod, wishing I had the confidence that my brother has in me. However, it sparks a new fire inside. He’s putting his job on the line. He has a little girl who he has to support.
I can’t fuck this up.
Chapter 2
Close Call
Angel
“Fuck,” I hiss again as I rush around. I don’t know how I overslept this morning. For three weeks I’ve been sleeping at the gym, and I’m up and out of here by 5:00 a.m. Yes, I’ve been sleeping.
I don’t feel closed in. I don’t know if it’s the mirrors that give me a view of almost all the angles of the gym or the workouts before bed that actually allow me to pass out. This place has offered me a sense of peace I haven’t been able to acquire in a very long time.
However, this morning I’m running behind by a half an hour. I need to clean up after myself and get out of here. I shove my blankets in the locker Andres assigned me and close it.
I look around for anything I may have left out of place. I don’t have my usual time to double-check. Grumbling with frustration, I toss on my hoodie and head for the back door. However, when I get to the door, keys jingle in the lock.
I don’t panic.
I go into Marine mode. I have two choices: stand here and get caught or double back for the front door and slip out once whoever is on the other side of this door disarms the alarm.
Andres could be in so much trouble for this. I have a key to the place and the code to the alarm. I’ve kept the key on a string around my neck so I won’t lose it. I once thought that would be my biggest worry. I always leave an hour early so this would never happen.
I move stealthily to the front of the gym and hide in the shadows. Heavy footfalls enter the gym, and the back door closes with a loud slam that makes me flinch. I grit my teeth to keep my mind from throwing me onto a battlefield and in the center of the war zone in my head.
“I don’t know who you think you’re fooling with the bullshit,” the guy says with a heavy Southern accent.
His voice is rich and deep. The hairs on my arms stand at attention and my belly tightens. I’m surprised that I take notice of the sexy timbre of his voice. It’s been so long since I’ve had interest in anyone. My life hasn’t been in the greatest order to think about starting a relationship or even a casual fuck—something I’m not that big on anyway.
“Whatever you say,” he scoffs.
I hold my breath as he comes to the front of the gym and unlocks the door. I’m out of sight, but all it would take is one slight turn to the left, and he would see me in my hiding space. Luckily, he’s too engrossed in his call.
I wait until he enters the back office before heading the few feet to the front entrance. I’m out of t
he door faster than I can take my next breath. I take about three steps before colliding with a tall brunette.
“Hey, you,” she coos. “You can’t stay away from this place can you? I get why Beau values you so much.”
It takes me a few seconds to realize she thinks I’m Andres. Knowing she had to have seen me coming out of the gym, I think fast. I don’t want to say the wrong thing and fuck this all up after getting out of the gym without Andres’s boss seeing me.
She’s pretty with her dark hair and gray eyes. Definitely among my brother’s many types. I get the feeling Andres is her type as well from the way she’s batting her lashes and the blush that stains her cheeks.
Fuck. Oh hell nah. I’m not about to flirt with this chick.
“What are you doing here this early?” she asks when I don’t reply right away.
“Needed to pick something up. Hey, talk later. I got to go.”
I realize after the words are out and her face falls that I may have said that pretty harshly. Yeah, just my luck I’d encounter some chick my brother’s involved with. What’s done is done.
If I try to say any more, I know I’ll blow this. I need to get out of here before anyone else who knows Andres comes along. It wouldn’t take long to tell the difference between the two of us if I have to interact for more than a minute.
I step around her quickly and take off before she can say another word. Damn, I hope I didn’t cause a problem. I’ve been the most relaxed I’ve been in two years while staying in the gym at night.
Time to figure shit out, Angel.
Beau
Hearing the front door of the gym close, I walk back out to the main area. I ignore Kyle droning in my ear to smile as Emma walks through the door. That smile falls at the look of confusion and disappointment on her face.
“Hey, Kyle, let me call you back,” I say into the phone.
“Always avoiding the hard topics. You called me about the dreams. I’m just telling you what I think. You miss the ring,” he replies.
“No, that’s not it. I mean, Em just walked in the gym. She looks…. I’ll call you back,” I repeat.
“Let me know if she needs me,” Kyle says, going into big-brother mode.
“Got you.” I hang up.
I walk over to her, and she looks up at me. I tense, ready to beat the shit out of someone for upsetting her.
Emma is always full of humor and life. Seeing her like this raises the hairs on the back of my neck. “You okay? What’s going on, darlin’?”
She gives me a weak smile. “It’s nothing. Just a lot on my plate. Kyle’s schedule seems more busy now than it ever was when he played ball,” she says and shrugs. “I think I’m just nervous about the wedding and making sure everything is just the way Kyle and Andy want it.”
Emma has been Kyle’s personal assistant since she decided college wasn’t a fit for her. She’s a bright girl, maybe too bright. School just didn’t call to her. She’s been happier helping Kyle keep his life in order.
“Um, sure. Now tell me the truth,” I say.
“It’s nothing. Let’s get to planning this bachelor party. I have a ton of things for you to look at,” she says, waving me off and heading for my office.
I reach for her arm, causing her to turn. Searching her eyes, I try to read her for the source of the hurt I see. She shuts down, locking me out.
“You know I’m always here when you need me,” I say.
“Yeah, I know. Trust me, this is nothing. Just me being naïve.” She shrugs.
I go to make a comment, but I know my sister. I’ll give her space to deal with her feelings first. When she needs me, she’ll let me know. Still I tug her into a hug before I release her and lead her to my office.
Chapter 3
WTF
Beau
“No!”
I jump out of my sleep, bellowing into my darkened bedroom. As usual, I’m covered in sweat, my chest heaves, and I’m gasping for air. I run a hand through my damp hair and close my eyes.
That’s a mistake. I pop my lids back open to erase the images trapped behind them. The ring, the blood on my hands, the body, it’s always the same. Pain sears through my chest. I draw my knees in, wrapping my arms around them. I start to rock back and forth, trying to find the comfort that will never come.
“I’m sorry,” I breathe out. “I should’ve protected you better.”
The pain threatens to consume me. I need to get out of here. The room feels like it’s trying to cave in on me. I toss the sheets and climb my exhausted body from the bed.
Finding a pair of shorts and a T-shirt, I throw them on and shove my feet in a pair of runners. With my keys, phone, and wireless earbuds in hand, I make my way out of my apartment. A run should help me fight these demons back.
I pound the pavement as Brett Eldredge croons “Go on Without Me” in my ears. My face is wet with a mix of sweat and tears, but I keep pushing. I try to get lost in the words of the song and the run. When the song changes to Snow Patrol’s “Chasing Cars,” something inside me breaks. It’s speaking to my soul.
Memories of lying on the canvas beside Roman flood my brain. He was gone. There was nothing anyone could do to bring him back. I just needed to be there, to lie there and beg to go with him. As if my heart could just stop beating in the center of that ring.
It still feels as if it did. When I walked out of that ring, my heart didn’t come with me. We’d been dating for four years. Roman was my first love. He gave me the confidence to be in a relationship and own it. Before Roman, I questioned everything. I fell in love with his carefree attitude. I grind my teeth against my thoughts.
I don’t know why all of this has started to surface so strongly now. I thought things were finally getting better. I don’t want to believe it’s what Kyle thinks.
“Maybe the ring isn’t done with you. It could be calling you to deal with the past so you can return where you belong,” he suggested.
“That’s not going to happen,” I replied. “Besides, I’m twenty-nine, going on thirty. That ship has sailed.”
“If you say so,” Kyle said knowingly.
When I look up at the sign to my gym, I wonder if Kyle was so wrong. I hadn’t realized my feet were leading me here. Now that I’m here, it’s like I’m itching to be in the ring, but I know in my heart that’s not going to happen. That’s a bitter pill I don’t want to swallow.
So much has changed. Kyle has a family. It seems like Javier has been throwing himself into the club more, as he talks of wanting to retire soon. I can’t even think of what the world of baseball will be like without him.
Everyone else is either busy with their careers or family lives. Some have both. Careers.
Sometimes it’s hard to watch my friends in their success. Not because I don’t want it for them, but because they’re out there. They’re pursuing what they love.
“I don’t have that option,” I snort, pulling out the keys to the gym.
Angel
I should’ve known my peace wouldn’t last for long. The gym has been a place of comfort for weeks, but tonight nothing has worked to settle my nerves. Something just feels off.
The mirrors that give me a panoramic view of my surroundings have done little to calm me the way they usually do. If anything they may have heightened my anxiety.
It seems they’ve rearranged sections on the gym floor, obstructing my view at certain angles. Shadows that weren’t there in the past now lurk, throwing me off. The lights seem to hit the mirrors in a way they haven’t before.
As a combat engineer, it was my responsibility to take care of roadside bombs. The reflection of light keeps triggering a memory I’d rather forget. For hours I’ve kept looking and waiting for some hidden threat to come storming in.
They were just teenaged boys, but they were coming at us hard and fast. We didn’t have time to assess their age; they were a threat. It was only moments after I’d just defused a bomb blocking our passage and seconds before anothe
r was detonated.
I still have that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach from after it was all said and done. I couldn’t bring those boys back, and I couldn’t stop them from making the choices that lead them to lie at our feet, lifeless. Yet I felt the relief of not losing my life or, better yet, one of my brothers that had my back. At least we didn’t lose anyone that day.
I’ve struggled to keep visions of that day away tonight. I tried to use the gym to my advantage. Working out to the point of exhaustion. First, I started on the weights. Then I moved to the heavy bag to punch myself out. All I did was work up a sweat.
Sure, my body is exhausted, but my mind is still racing with a jumble of thoughts and anxiety. I’m even more on edge than when I first started the workout. I drag my tired bones into the locker room for a shower.
Stepping under the warm spray, I welcome the steaming water as it beats down on my skin. Pulling the tie from my hair, it falls around my shoulders. I adjust the water to cool it down just a bit.
When I release the knob, I stare at the tremor in my hand. The feeling of drowning takes over me. My airway tightens, and I try to swallow past the knot building in my throat.
“I can’t keep going like this,” I push out, wanting to sob, but not knowing how to release the emotions.
Instead I let my head fall forward against the shower tiles. Reality sets in. This isn’t the life I wanted for myself. This isn’t the life I’m going to allow myself to keep living. I have to find a way to get through this… no… I need to get over it.
Just like me and my brothers got over so much shit together. I have to do it for them, because I’m the only one still breathing. I have to figure out how to live again. If not for me, for them.
But how?
I close my eyes and let that question ring in my head. I have to find an answer, and I have to find it soon. I have to get out of here before I cost my brother his job.
