by Pam Rhodes
“I’d never been much of a believer,” explained Fiona. “I honestly had no faith at all at that point in my life, but what happened that night has stayed with me always. I can only say it felt as if suddenly there was a huge presence in the room, like the most loving embrace, so real that I felt gripped by it. We all watched as the baby very gradually stopped breathing, but there was no feeling of panic or distress; just an overwhelming sense of calm and peace, and the absolute knowledge that he was safe with God, just as we too were safe and supported in our loss and grief.”
That was a turning point for Fiona. She now knew that God was real and present, and her hunger to learn more about him led eventually to her being ordained a minister in the Church of England. Years later, she was offered the opportunity to become a hospital chaplain herself, and she said what a privilege it was to be with patients and their families at poignant and painful times in their lives.
“Very often I’ve been with people at just the moment when their lives come to an end, and I’m aware of the same presence and calm which touched me so deeply all those years ago. Sometimes when the body takes its final breath or the heart beats for the last time, it’s hard to know for certain when death comes – but there’s a definite moment when you can almost see that person’s soul leaving their frail body. They’ve gone to God in what is often the most intensely calm and loving atmosphere.”
“It’s only human, though, to fear death, isn’t it?” Pam’s voice was gentle as she asked. “How do you feel about death now?”
“I worry about how I’ll die. The thought of being very ill, in pain or disabled is frightening. But I don’t fear what waits for us beyond death. I’ve seen God’s real and loving presence in life, so I know that same loving God is there for us in death. We can take comfort in that because it’s true.”
When Jane set off upstairs instead of downstairs towards the doctor’s surgery, Neil was filled with curiosity. He tried to get more information out of her, but she was obviously reluctant to say any more than that he was urgently needed. She led him onto the outer deck and up a small set of stairs. Following her, Neil found himself ducking to avoid hitting his head on the lifeboats hanging above the gangway.
They emerged onto a small deck at the front of the ship where he’d never been before, and in the gathering gloom of early evening, he struggled at first to make out what he was seeing. Then he saw the huddled shape of Claire sitting next to Brad beside one of the sunbeds. A chill ran through him as he followed her gaze. Harry was stretched out on the bed. Deathly still. Neil didn’t need a doctor to know that Harry was gone.
Claire’s tear-streaked face was gaunt and pale as she looked up at him. Neil sank to her side, putting his arm around her stiff shoulders, drawing her to him.
“What happened?”
“I just found him here.” Claire’s voice was hesitant and husky, choked from too many tears. “But look at him. Look at his face. Can you see he’s smiling?”
Neil leaned forward to peer more closely at Harry.
“I’ve been staring at him for ages and all I can see there is contentment,” said Claire. “Joy. That’s what it is. He warned me. He told me he wanted this, and he said he felt nothing but joy at the prospect of dying. Can you see that in his face? I can.”
“Do we know what caused his death?” Neil asked Brad.
“Now you’ve come, we’ll move him downstairs so I can examine him properly, but the first indications are that his heart failed.”
“He had a major heart operation a couple of years ago.”
“Really? Well, from what I can tell at this stage, it looks as if everything simply stopped. He closed his eyes in the sun and fell asleep. There’s no sign that he suffered at all.”
“I’m glad,” said Claire. “He deserved that.”
After a few moments of silence, Brad quietly suggested that arrangements should be made to move Harry inside.
“We need to tell Iris,” whispered Claire.
“Yes,” agreed Neil. “Let’s do that together.”
“Come down to the surgery when you’re ready, Neil. I can tell you more about what needs to be done then. See to your family first. And Claire, you’ve had a tremendous shock. If you need anything to help you sleep or calm your thoughts, let me know. I’m here to help.”
Neil eased Claire onto her feet, wrapping her jacket tighter around her shoulders. “Come on, love. Let’s go now. We need to break the news to the others.”
They knew that “Songs of Praise” would be over by that time, so Iris was probably in her own cabin. Knocking on her door, Neil almost hoped there would be no reply, but within seconds his mother swung open the door.
“Well, you’re a fine one, rushing off like that,” she snapped at Neil. “And you didn’t even bother to come to the ‘Songs of Praise’, Claire! I know you’re not a card-carrying Christian, but you might have found it very enlightening. And where’s Harry? He’ll need to know what time to be ready for dinner.”
Something in Neil’s expression finally got through to her, because she abruptly stopped talking.
“Can we come in, Mum? We’ve got something to tell you.”
But Iris was ahead of them. She stepped back to sit down heavily on the bed. “He’s gone, hasn’t he?”
Neil nodded wordlessly.
“I found him lying on a sunbed right up at the front of the ship,” explained Claire. “Heaven knows why he ended up there – I don’t think any of us have been up there before. He just looked as if he was asleep, really peaceful, almost a smile on his face.”
“But he was dead,” concluded Iris.
“The doctor said it looked as if he just dropped off to sleep and never woke up again.”
“Silly man!” chided Iris. “I told him he was doing too much. Would he listen? Of course not.”
“I think he’d had enough,” said Claire. “He was tired. He ached. He wanted to go home.”
“I never imagined Harry as a quitter.”
“He didn’t quit. He just felt that he’d done everything he wanted here, and he was ready to move on.”
“What about me?” Iris wasn’t crying. She wouldn’t let herself cry, but there was such forlornness in her voice that Neil sat down on the bed beside her. “I needed him. We looked after each other. Whatever will I do without him?”
She started to tremble then, her knuckles white as she linked her fingers around her knees.
“I think the doctor should come up and see you,” said Claire. “It’s such a shock; too much for you to cope with.”
“I’ll go,” volunteered Neil. “Will you stay with her?”
Claire didn’t answer, gathering Iris to her as hot, tumbling tears at last began to slide down her mother-in-law’s ashen cheeks.
When Neil knocked on the surgery door, it wasn’t Brad who greeted him. From his glimpse of her on the quayside earlier that morning, he recognized Joanne immediately. Close up, he was struck by the warmth and compassion in her eyes, and the prettiness of her face, which was framed by chin-length dark brown hair.
“You must be Neil,” she said, beckoning for him to come in. “Brad’s still with Harry.”
“I thought they were bringing him here.”
“There’s a mortuary on board. That’s where they are.”
A mortuary. The finality of that word felt like a punch in the chest.
“Sit down,” ordered Joanne, pulling up a chair. “You’ve had a tremendous shock.”
This is stupid, thought Neil, embarrassment washing over him as he realized he was in danger of crying. He was supposed to be strong, the man of God, the minister called to provide answers and comfort to people when they lost a loved one. A loved one! What a trite description of someone who has been a cherished, valued, adored presence in the family for years!
“Nothing prepares you for it,” said Joanne quietly. “You’re a minister. I’m a trained nurse. But when it’s your son or father…”
And there they
sat, no more words needed – two strangers, each with their own memories, united in grief.
A couple of minutes later, Brad and the nurse walked into the surgery. Joanne stood up immediately.
“I’ll go.” She gave a small smile, her eyes meeting Neil’s. “Take care.”
She left, closing the door quietly behind her.
Brad was in business-like, doctor mode as he explained to Neil what procedures had to be followed after a death on board a cruise ship.
“I’ll have to check with the relevant authorities in the morning, but my guess is that Harry will stay with us until we dock in Tilbury on Thursday morning. That’s where the paperwork and official procedures really kick into action. He’ll be taken to a holding facility at the docks while all that’s organized.”
“How long is that likely to take?”
“Possibly as long as a couple of weeks. It depends what’s needed. They’ll have to contact his own doctor and get a complete picture of his medical state before they’ll release him. They may even need a post-mortem.”
“And have you any more thoughts on why he died?”
“I think he just stopped living. His heart and breathing ceased, and he passed away. Officially I’ll put on the death certificate that he died from heart failure, but he was an old man and he just died in the most peaceful way.”
“Well, I thank God for that.”
“You OK, Neil?”
“It’s been quite a shock. I must get back to Claire, and my mother is very upset. Do you think you could come down later and see her? She might need a sedative to help her sleep tonight.”
“Of course.”
“I’ll have to tell the others too.”
“Do you want me to come with you now?”
“No, I have to do that on my own.”
Neil’s expression changed as he looked across at Brad. “And you? How are you doing?”
Brad nodded, considering the question before answering. “All right, I think. Better. Joanne coming has been good.”
“I like her,” said Neil. “She seems very intuitive, warm…”
“She is. It’s easy to forget that when we’re apart. When I’m on my own, I lose her somehow.”
“So you’ve done a lot of talking today?”
“Yes. She’s grieving as much as I am, but I sense she’s moved on from her initial grief. I still feel so guilty. If I’d acted differently, could I have saved him?”
“This time, maybe…”
“Yes. There would have been another…”
“So what happens now?”
“Joanne’s staying on board until we dock in Tilbury, so we have more time to talk.”
“I’m glad,” said Neil, getting to his feet. “It seems you and I both have difficult conversations ahead of us. God bless you, Brad.”
“You too. I’ll speak to you in the morning.”
On the way back to his mother, Neil realized he was passing Peter and Val’s cabin, so gave the door a knock. Val answered, laughing that she must look a mess because she hadn’t yet changed for dinner. Surely they weren’t that late, were they?
Five minutes later, after Neil had told them the news, their mood was sombre as the couple struggled to come to terms with the loss of their dear friend.
“Could you tell the others?” Neil asked as he stood up to leave.
“Of course,” agreed Peter. “And we’re here. Anything you need, you or the family, just yell. We’re so sorry, Neil.”
“Have you heard?” Betty hurried back across the lounge to the table where Marion and Sheila were waiting. “Carole was telling us over at the bar. Claire’s Uncle Harry – you remember him? Such a lovely person. Well, he dropped dead this afternoon, right here on the ship. They’d gone ashore and left him, so he was all alone, poor man.”
“Poor Neil. He and Claire must be beside themselves,” said Sheila. “Do you think they need any help? Should we offer?”
“Better not disturb them tonight,” replied Marion. “Perhaps we could get a card from the shop and drop them a note from us all.”
“That’s a lovely idea!” cried Betty. “Shall I nip up and grab one before the show starts?”
“Too late,” said Sheila as the sparkling chandeliers around the huge lounge started to dim.
The band struck up a rhythmic introduction as Cruise Director Ramon Moreno strolled onto the stage wearing a sparkling red jacket that made him look like a diminutive circus ringmaster. Clicking his fingers and smiling suggestively at the audience, he launched into his version of an old Demis Roussos favourite.
“Oh, he can definitely love me forever and ever,” sighed Betty, closing her eyes dreamily.
“That voice…” agreed Marion.
“Pity he’s so vertically challenged,” commented Sheila.
“I’m not that tall,” said Betty. “I think he’d be perfect for me.”
“Getting involved with a man at sea?” quipped Marion. “You know what they say about sailors – a girl in every port!”
“You may be right,” agreed Betty. “I can’t exactly see him settling down in Burntacre, although Carole might welcome his voice in the choir.”
“We’d all welcome him in the choir, whether he sang or not,” grinned Sheila.
“Do you know him?” asked Betty, turning to Andrew, who happened to be sitting beside her as they all watched the show.
“Ramon? Yes, he’s my boss. He’s all right.”
“Married?”
“I think so. He talks about his children.”
“Oh!” huffed Betty. “The best ones are always taken.”
“Actually,” continued Andrew, his eyes glued to the stage, “I think the one to watch is Michael, the singer about to take centre stage now.”
They all followed his gaze to watch as the tall, good-looking young man, surrounded by a whole company of other performers, launched into an upbeat song.
“Hmm,” mused Betty. “Married?”
“No, Michael’s not married.”
Andrew sat back in his seat and smiled to himself in the darkened room.
CHAPTER 9
HONFLEUR
Do not be afraid, for we have God as our guide and helper. God will guide as God pleases.
St Brendan
“I’m going to say this now in case I forget to say it later,” said Jill, grasping the handle of the cabin door as she and Rob were about to leave. “I’m really glad you’re coming to Honfleur today.”
“I remember being here on a school trip years ago,” replied Rob. “It’s a nice old town.”
“I’m sure it is,” replied Jill, turning to look at her husband. “Honestly, though, I don’t really care where we’re going. I’m just glad you’ve decided to be with me today.”
“Last day. Better make the most of it.”
“And when we get back home again?” she asked softly. “We’ve done a lot of talking this week. We’ve moved on, haven’t we? Learned a lot about each other.”
He moved towards her, touching his forehead to hers. “I think so.”
“Will it last, do you think, when we get back home?”
“That’s up to us, isn’t it?”
“It’s certainly what I’d like. Being close to you again has meant so much to me.”
“We’ll have to work at it. Stop taking each other for granted.”
His lips touched hers for a few lingering seconds before he stood back with a chuckle. “And that old dressing gown of yours has got to go! Agreed?”
“Definitely!” she laughed, and the two of them picked up their bags and headed off to where the coaches were waiting.
Hearing the quiet knock, Claire opened the cabin door to beckon Val inside.
“Come in. Neil’s downstairs talking to the doctor now. They’re sorting out the paperwork for Harry so that everything’s ready for when we dock tomorrow.”
“And you?” asked Val gently. “How are you holding up?”
“It’s been a shock.
Harry’s been so much more than just an uncle to me. He felt like my grandad really – always there, always sharing adventures, ready with a plaster, a hug or a silly story to make me feel better. I wonder if I’d ever have become a gardener if it weren’t for Harry sharing with me his own passion for growing things.”
Putting an arm around Claire’s shoulders, Val led the distraught young woman over so they could both sit on the bed.
“I’m going to miss him so much.”
Val nodded, saying nothing.
“You’re a nurse. You’re used to this. But I’ve never seen a dead body before.”
Claire was very still for a while before suddenly turning to look at Val. “Can I show you something?”
“Of course.”
Claire leaned over to pull open her bedside drawer. With great care, she drew out a folded piece of paper tissue.
“When we were in Tresco, Harry was really excited because he’d been there with his wife Rose years ago, and he remembered quite a lot of places and views he’d shared with her. Then, towards the end of our walk round the gardens, we came across a huge old rose bush, and it almost moved him to tears. It was covered in beautiful golden flowers, and yellow roses had always been her favourite. He remembered that when they’d been there together, she’d said it was the loveliest thing she’d ever seen.”
With trembling fingers, Claire opened up the tissue to reveal a single golden petal.
Val smiled. “Did you bring a petal back with you?”
“No, neither of us did.”
Curiosity registered on Val’s face.
“This petal fluttered down on me just as I discovered Harry yesterday. We were on a ship in the middle of a harbour, no bushes of any kind nearby – and this came out of nowhere.”
“And you think…?”
“I think Harry’s with his love, his Rose. And I think this is their way of letting us know.”
A row of coaches waited on the quayside at Honfleur to take passengers on a variety of tours, including Monet’s House and Gardens, The Norman City of Bayeux and The Spirit of Normandy. Alongside them stood a smart black people-carrier that had been adapted with ramps so that a wheelchair could be pushed up into it. Pete was supervising Arthur’s safe placing in the back of the vehicle, while Callum sat in the front passenger seat playing a game on his mobile phone.
