enclose the area around his young self.
The vision started to fade.
At first, Christian thought of ignoring the door again. They were probably just there to tell him off for last night, but in a way, he almost didn't care anymore. It was not like he could experience any more pain than already he felt right now. They couldn't do anything more to him. In fact, they SHOULD just tell him off.
He was a piece of dirt. Just a worthless piece of dirt that was incapable of ever being loved by another human being.
He WANTED to be told off. It would fully validate his worthlessness. Then, when they finally left, he would have the will to go through what he should have done so long ago...
He got to his feet, and went over to the door to answer it.
(20)
As he faded back into the present, with the crowd still standing all around, Young Man B said:
"I was new in town, and I didn't have any real friends. You looked like you were hurting real bad, but you also seemed like a cool person and I really wanted to get to know you, but you wouldn't even let me get near you! I was really disappointed, but I had no choice but to move on and find different friends."
The young man was silent at this. He had barely even noticed his dagger was not positioned defensively in front of him. His dagger arm was now resting limply at his side.
Could it really have been? Someone had really been interested in him, and he had been the one to push him away? No, it couldn't have been! He was the victim! He was unlovable!
He was the one who had the pure heart, while everyone else possessed the Heart of Darkness the voice warned him about! Everyone could only respond in hate towards him! Didn't they?
Another person came forward from the crowd. The young man tensed up as the other person's form began to become clear. He almost raised his dagger up again.
"Are you starting to get the picture? You do know it was the same for all of us, right?"
"You pushed me out." the young man said bitterly. If glares could kill right now, his Ex-Best Friend would be dead on the spot right now.
"Do you think I WANTED us to split apart? Ever since the beginning, even though we were kids, I tried really hard to keep our friendship going! But it was never reciprocal! It was the same with the rest of the group! Everyone tried at some point, but you were always so closed off and distant! You almost never came over to any of our houses. We would come to yours! Multiple times, you just brushed us right off! What were we supposed to do?"
"I never fit in with any of you! THAT'S why you wanted to have nothing to do with me!"
Ex-Best Friend laughed a semi-frustrated laugh.
"You never gave anyone the CHANCE to know you! You were always so kept to yourself that nobody really knew what to think of you!"
"I tried to come over and join in many times, and you wouldn't have anything to do with me!"
"What did you expect me to do? Keep trying to keep a relationship together that might just end up going around the same cycle over and over again? You pushed me away first! I didn't want to have to keep going through that again and again, no more than you!"
"What about that time I came over and Matt told me to screw off?"
"That's just the way he was. He didn't really know who you were. He was probably feeling uncomfortable with someone unfamiliar suddenly trying to squeeze his way into his familiar group. You had already displaced yourself long before he came in."
"So, none of you actually hated me?" he said, disbelieving.
"Dude. Go back into your past and look at what really happened."
The real world started to fade again as he went into yet another vision...
As he had suspected, it was several of his former friends from the Art League. But strangely, they didn't seem angry. In fact, they greeted him warmly. His heart felt strangely lightened by these people who had come to see him.
Tristan was not among them, but as far as Christian was concerned, he could go screw himself.
The three people, Jack, Jonathan, and Emily, asked if they could come in. He let them. Jack noticed the painting almost immediately and asked about it, and everyone joined in giving great compliments about it.
Christian was kind of confused. Why was everyone being so friendly to him after what an ass he had acted like last night? He felt uncomfortable as these people continued showering him with compliments.
'Why?' He felt like asking. He didn't deserve to be complimented. He didn't deserve anyone to take interest in him. He didn't deserve to be treated well.
Yet he couldn't, and wouldn't bring himself to ask them to leave.
Come to think of it, this was the first time in his life he had ever let anyone else into his home, ever...
(21)
He watched the horrifying scene again. His teenage self sitting in front of the window, watching the other teenagers outside, while he slowly and brutally desecrated himself, eventually giving himself over to his tears.
After he'd been crying for awhile, though, his tears eventually dissipated, and he sat there stoically watching outside the window when something unexpected happened.
One of the youth outside looked up towards his window and made eye contact with him. He had never met this particular kid before. He wondered what this kid must have thought upon seeing him, him sitting there like an ass with cuts all over his body, blood running down all over, bloodshot eyes (from crying) and disheveled appearance.
The youth smiled up at him, and began waving for him to come over. His teenage self sat there, shocked.
Why on Earth would anyone look at him, the way he is, and want to have anything to do with him? He couldn't fathom it. There must be some sort of mistake. He felt a sudden glaring anger at the kid.
How dare he want to have anything to do with someone like him! Didn't the kid know that he was total garbage, and that he didn't deserve to have anyone in his life? They had already rejected him! How dare someone try and invite him back into that group! He would not have it!
There was a door that had appeared on the wall to the right of him. Slowly, while the boy had been trying to wave him over, it had begun to open. His teenage self instead turned his chair around and sat towards the opposite direction of the window. He would not look out any further, or acknowledge the existence of anyone on the outside world.
Some time passed, the kid was still trying to get his attention, but seeing that he had turned his back and was no longer giving him any heed, the kid gave up with a shrug and a disappointed look on his face, and went back to the group to resume the game.
Slowly, the door began to shut until it was open no more. The vision faded.
The feeling of having someone else there, in his home, not being alone, was something Christian had not experienced in a very long time, not since he had been a kid. He could feel it doing something to his heart, deep inside of him.
These people had come over for him. Because they wanted to. He was on edge the whole time. He was overly conscious of anything he said or did, afraid that the slightest wrong thing he might say would suddenly cause them to not like him and leave.
He felt that if they left, it would break him for good. He didn't want to feel like that.
Jack eventually started turning the conversation from casual talk, to asking Christian pointed questions about himself. Personal questions that he really didn't want to answer.
Christian began to feel almost offended. He didn't want to talk about himself, who he was, his past, how he felt, his real dreams in life, his inner feelings...
To talk about such things would make him look weak and expose his vulnerable side. He never wanted to show that to anybody. The more Jack began to push, however, the more he began to realize how desperately he WANTED talk about these things with somebody. He had been keeping it all bottled up inside for so long.
Finally, Jack's pushing began to take effect. Christian started to talk.
(22)
"Do you see the point of what we're
trying to get through to you? All your life you've been whining and moaning about how no one loves you and how you have no real friends. Wake up and look around you! All these people did not show up out here simply because they had nothing better to do! You have had so many opportunities to make friends! People who tried to care about you! People who tried to reach out to you! Do you know that the overwhelming majority of the time you out and out rejected THEM? If you want to be angry at someone for sticking you in the pit, be angry at yourself!"
"But no one ever tried to make frie..."
"WAKE UP!" Ex-Best Friend yelled so loud the young man recoiled.
"You have had many chances. MANY chances!"
Young Woman B began advancing from the crowd.
"We were always inviting you to do something with our group, but you kept declining, always saying you had other things you had to be doing."
"Same here." Young Man C said, advancing as well. "Everyone kept trying to get to know you. But you were always so clammed up!"
"At least we got to hang out a few times." Young Man D said, also coming forth from the audience. "But then you kinda just stopped being available. I asked if something was wrong, and you never would give me a straight answer."
The young man started to laugh.
"I don't believe this. I've been going through the worst pain of my life, and you are all trying to convince me it's MY fault? How DARE all of you! You are all trying to deceive me! If I would have given ANY of you the chance to know the real me, you wouldn't have
The Pit Page 11
