by Jody Holford
“I lost my breath and my words.” Not to mention my heart. “I just needed a minute to find them. It was above and beyond anything I expected, and when you asked if I was okay, I was inside my own head wondering if there’s any way it could possibly have been as amazing for you as it was for me. I just don’t see how that’s possible.” There. He wanted honesty? That was it. She basically just opened her heart and gave him a look. See? All for you, Declan James. You’ve ruined me for anyone else.
“It’s not just possible. It’s absolutely true. You wrecked me, Sophe. In the best possible way.” He smiled as he leaned up to kiss her, and because she had her hands on his hard abs, she felt the ripple of muscle under her fingers. She wanted to believe it meant something that he’d said the words she was thinking.
“There’s no way to compare that to anything else because everything with you is more. You know that, right? I need you to get that. Like really get it and start believing it.” His voice was rough and intense, and his eyes matched his tone.
Pressing her mouth to his, she kissed him, unsure how she’d gotten to almost thirty without ever feeling like this. It gave her a little more perspective and flexibility that it could be true on his part as well. Sophia had told herself that a man like him couldn’t want forever. It wasn’t in his makeup, and it was in hers. But maybe he was right. Timing was everything, and she liked thinking the reason neither of them had found something to hold onto was because they weren’t ready for each other.
Throwing all caution to the wind, she pulled back and stared down at him. “I’m crazy about you, Dec. I don’t want to be. I need to be honest about that. It scares me because there’s so much coming at me that I have no idea how to handle. I came home so intent on doing this alone because I can and because that’s the only way I’ve known since I was eighteen. That was my choice. I wasn’t expecting you or this. I don’t mean just now. I mean ever. I had no idea these kinds of feelings were out there just waiting for me when I met the right person. Part of me wants to dive all the way into what you’re offering, to lean on you. Rely on you and in us. But the other part of me is scared that if I mess this up, I won’t be starting over on my own this time. The consequences will impact more than just you and me.”
Declan’s gaze softened, and he pushed her back so he could sit up against the wall and then pulled her tight against his side.
“You’re talking like the ending is inevitable. It’s not. The feelings go both ways, babe. You need to stop beating yourself up over the mistakes you think you’ve made. They make you who you are, and that’s a woman who makes me want things I never thought I’d want ever. And more.”
She looked up at him, her neck resting against his biceps. “I thought you’d already decided you wanted the whole package before I came home.”
He nodded, kissed the tip of her nose. “I did. But I was stupid because it never occurred to me that the whole package only works with the right person. I thought because I’d decided on a path, kind of like the bar, I’d set about attaining my goal. But this is so different. Even if I’d been set against marriage and building a family and settling down, like I thought I once was, it all would have went out the window. Because of you. Only you.”
Sophia bit down on her lip to remind herself not to blurt out her feelings. They’d led her astray before. The last time she thought she’d been in love, she’d found out he was someone else’s husband. Learning that she’d become the other woman even by accident had made her physically sick. That wasn’t who she was, and she’d been more hurt by Keith’s role in placing her in that position than she had about breaking things off. Her judgment wasn’t exactly something to be proud of. But this is Dec. One step at a time. For now, they were both here, together, and it was more than enough. More than she thought she deserved.
Selfishly, she knew she couldn’t walk away, though. She hadn’t been lying when she said she needed him. Declan James was magic. He was starting to make her look at herself in a new way. Instead of being a disappointment, he saw someone to admire. She wanted to be the person he thought he saw.
“What do you say we shower and have something to eat?”
She grinned. “I say yes please.”
Declan kissed her again, his hand grazing over her body in a way that made her forget about food or showers. He pulled back, shook his head, and breathed deeply.
“I’ll start the shower.”
She watched him go, her own admiration of him overwhelming her. Giddiness coursed through her. She gave herself a moment to enjoy it before flipping back the covers, wondering how he felt about shower—
Sophia’s startled gasp echoed in her own ears. The pale gray sheets on her bed made the spots of blood glaringly obvious. Her stomach cramped, and her eyes welled with tears. Breathe. Everything is okay. Just breathe. The doctor she’d seen in Arizona, everything she’d read and the doctor she’d finally found through Megan, here in Brockton Point, had all said sex during pregnancy was safe.
Sophia hugged her arms around herself, squeezing tight, unable to tear her eyes away from the spots. In this moment, while her heartbeat and brain raced, a moment of stillness, of absolute clarity, washed over her, settling in her chest. Until this second, she hadn’t realized how much she wanted this baby. She’d been keeping the pieces of her life in separate boxes, opening only one at a time.
“Sophe? You coming? Baby, what’s wrong?” His heavy footsteps brought him to the edge of the bed, and he stared at the sheets.
His hand came to her shoulder, warm and solid, but still she shivered. She couldn’t look at him. Tears brimmed, and she bit the inside of her cheek to divert the pain. Her brain and body weren’t working in tandem.
She felt something on her head and looked up to see he was pulling a sweater over her, moving her arms like she was a doll, and stuffing her into the clothes he’d insisted on taking off himself.
“Look at me, Sophia.” His voice was soft but demanding.
Her eyes found his, and the fierce protectiveness she saw, the steadiness she felt emanating from him, blasted through her, reminding her she was far from weak. And that she, they, weren’t alone. He was blurry through all of the unshed tears.
He put his hands around her, settling them at the base of her back, and nudged her forward, to the edge of the bed. She didn’t talk as she let him help her into her clothes. Forward motion. One step at a time. Everything would be okay. Nothing hurt. The baby would be fine.
Pulling herself all the way together, she helped get her yoga pants up over her hips. He settled her back on the bed, kneeling between her legs, his gaze focused and sure.
“Listen to me. Are you listening? I need you to answer.”
She gripped his shoulders. “I’m listening.”
“Spotting during pregnancy is not that uncommon. I should have been… Fuck. I don’t know. But everything is going to be okay. I promise. I’m going to put some clothes on and take you to the hospital, just to be sure, okay?”
She nodded then frowned, the tremors in her heart from something other than nerves. “How do you know about spotting during pregnancy and sex?”
“Because everything about you matters to me, I told you that. Will you be okay while I get dressed? Do you need anything? Does anything hurt?”
Her body still ached with the delicious feel of him pressed so close to her, of him holding her and lov—
“No.” Her tone was abrupt, the one word snapped.
Declan nodded. “One minute, babe. Just breathe.”
She stayed still, reminding herself that she was strong. Strong enough to leave, strong enough to come home, strong enough to have a baby even if she was alone. And dammit, strong enough to take care of the baby. Covering her stomach, she closed her eyes and made promises in her mind. Not to herself, but to the baby. Promises that included not putting herself first anymore.
…
Sophia was calmer and feeling more like herself. She almost grinned as Declan paced the tiny
emergency exam room. He could only take two steps before having to turn. She caught his arm on the next pass.
“Stop. You’re making me dizzy.”
Concern registered immediately. “Do you need anything? I can get you some water?”
“You’re here with me. That’s enough. Just stop pacing.”
He held her hand, standing beside the sterile bed she was propped up in.
“What the hell is taking so long? Where do they keep the ultrasound machines? Shouldn’t there be one they can just roll right in here?”
Sophia squeezed his arm again. Somehow, his nerves settled her own. “Maybe he got tied up. He said he doesn’t think there’s anything to be concerned about, Dec.”
He’d said it right before asking if Declan wanted to leave so he could perform a pelvic exam. Sophia had forced the embarrassment she’d felt to the pit of her stomach. This man had all but declared himself and made it clear he wanted to be at her side. So she’d told him he didn’t have to, and even though he looked like she’d just asked him to hold onto a venomous snake, he’d stayed. He’d taken up an intense interest in her skull, running his fingers over the part in her hair as if he were counting each strand on her head until the doctor declared he was finished and not worried. Once he’d lowered the sheet and left, Declan moved from her head and began to pace.
“We never should have—”
She squeezed his hand again. “Stop. He said we did nothing wrong. It’s normal. Pressure on the cervix and all that.” Her cheeks heated.
Declan brushed his thumb across her cheek. “You shouldn’t use sexy talk like that in public. It’ll get me all wound up again.”
Sophia laughed, and her heart actually ached. It was so full that the pressure felt like too much. Was there anyone else who could make her laugh at this moment?
The doctor, who didn’t look much older than either Sophia or Dec, wheeled in an ultrasound cart. “Sorry about that. It was in use. We’ll just take a look and check the baby’s heartbeat, make sure everything is okay.”
Lowering the sheet with the hand Dec wasn’t holding, she leaned back so the doctor could squirt cold gel onto her belly. She was supposed to get her next ultrasound in about a month, but she wasn’t at all sorry to be having one now. She needed it to prove the baby was okay. Then, maybe her heart would settle completely.
Pressing a wand to her belly, he pushed, creating an uncomfortable pressure as he moved it around with seemingly careless strokes.
He kept one hand on the wand pressed to her stomach, and with the other, he pulled the cart a little closer, turned a dial, and then smiled. A strange, fast thumping, like frantic shallow footsteps echoing in a dark hallway, filled the air.
“Baby’s heartbeat is strong. You see?” He pointed at the screen where a strange shape inside of another strange shape pulsated on the screen.
Oh my God. Declan’s hand was in her hair, caressing gently, his hand squeezing hers like a vise.
“That’s the baby?” His voice was filled with the awe Sophia felt.
The doctor nodded. “It is. You’re about fourteen weeks along. It’s a bit too early to know the sex, but you’ll be able to, if you choose, at your twenty-week ultrasound.” He grinned back and forth between them.
Sophia looked up and saw Declan’s wide-eyed gaze. “You can see the head. It’s got little arms and legs. Look at that.”
Sophia could only look at him. He sounded…amazed. Proud. Thrilled.
It was too soon to tell him how certain she felt, but she could give him this. He was smart. He’d realize the significance. She hoped. Because she couldn’t face all of her emotional demons in one day.
“Do you think we’ll want to know the sex?”
His head snapped down, and he stared at her. “Are you asking me?”
Squeezing his hand, she put her other hand over it. “I am.”
Declan’s mouth dropped open, and he inhaled sharply. “Sophia.”
“We have some time to think about it.” She whispered the words, aware that they weren’t alone but sort of wishing they were.
He shook his head, and she smiled. She didn’t want to know, either.
Declan leaned down and kissed her lips with exquisite tenderness. “I’m okay with being surprised. As long as you’re both okay.”
The doctor smiled and nodded. “I’ll print off the sonogram for you guys.”
They’d gone back to staring into each other’s eyes, and Sophia felt an almost corny level of mushy emotions. The doctor handed her a paper towel to wipe her stomach, but Declan took it and cleaned her up.
“I’m not concerned. You’re healthy, baby looks great. I would rest a couple of days just to be sure, but it’s truly not uncommon for penetration to cause mild spotting.”
Sophia was about to ask if further…penetration was out of the question when the curtain whipped open, and her parents came into view.
“Excuse me. I’m with a patient,” the doctor said sternly, taking a stance in front of the bottom of the bed.
“That patient is our daughter,” her dad said.
Sophia looked up at Declan, heat clawing up her spine and infusing her body. Not the good kind.
“You called my parents?” She hissed at him, yanking her hands free and pulling the sheet up.
He held up his hands. “No. I texted your brother.”
“Regardless,” the doctor said, “you can’t just come back here without permission.”
Her mother, worry creasing her forehead, stared at her with a pleading gaze.
“It’s fine,” she muttered. I wonder if a sedative is out of the question.
Declan tried to catch her gaze again, but she looked away.
“I’ll, uh…I’ll grab you something to drink.”
He shuffled off, and Sophia felt a smidge of guilt for being so angry. Her parents moved past Declan, and her father mumbled something to him that made Dec nod.
The doctor looked back and forth between them. “Your daughter is fine, but I’d rather you didn’t upset her. She doesn’t need the stress.”
Sophia’s mom came to her side and stroked her hair, smoothing it away from her face. The gesture shocked her, and her throat tightened, making it impossible to swallow. The doctor left, closing the curtain behind him, and Sophia braced for the litany of criticisms to spew from her father’s lips. He stayed near the end of the bed, and for the first time, she noticed he looked almost sheepish.
“Ragazza dolce. The hospital called us. We came right away,” he murmured. Sophia’s heart cracked. He sounded so sad she could barely stand it. Pressure made her chest ache.
“I’m fine, Papa.” She rarely called him that, but the moment was pushing at all of the barriers she’d erected to keep herself strong. She didn’t feel strong right this minute with her father looking at her as if she’d wounded herself and he was mad he couldn’t fix it.
“The baby?” her mother asked.
“We’re fine, Mom. I promise.”
“You and Declan?” Her father lowered his gaze.
“He’s an excellent man, Dad.”
His eyes snapped up to meet hers. “I know this. You’re really okay?”
She nodded, hating how good it felt to have them here, even if it was just because they’d been worried. She didn’t want to think about how a crisis was what she needed to get their attention.
“Good.” Her father nodded and pursed his lips together.
He turned and left through the curtain. Her throat grew thick, and she tried hard to swallow the sob. Pressing her hand to her mouth, she breathed through her nose and stayed stiff when her mother tried to pull her close.
“Don’t worry about your father. This is hard on him. We just need time. He just needs some time.”
For what, though? she thought as she gave in and rested her head back against the pillow, wanting to curl into herself. Time for them to forgive her? Forget her? For her to see they’d always been right? And how the hell was this hard on
them? For a minute there, she’d felt like she was part of something: the two of them, the three of them, a unit. The intrusion of her family was cold water splashed in her face. Reminding her that it would never really be just them. Whether her family supported her or continued to throw guilt at her like tiny darts, they impacted everything else. Those boxes she’d thought she compartmentalized had all been dumped into one big pile, and she had no idea how to clean up the mess.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Declan was about to resume pacing in the corner of the waiting room, unsure if he’d made the right call, when he saw Marcus standing by the door. Seeing Declan, he hurried forward.
“Hey. Why did you send your parents? None of you needed to come down here.” He’d given Marcus a courtesy text because they were friends, even if they were on the outs right now.
Marcus met his gaze with a questioning one. “Things are strained. Doesn’t mean I don’t love her.”
Declan could see the worry around his friend’s eyes and in the tight set of his mouth. “She’s okay, man.”
Marcus ran both hands through his thick black hair. “The baby?”
Declan nodded, renewed relief spiraling inside of him. A little jolt of happiness rushed through him at the memory of the baby’s heart beating so fast and clear. “Healthy.”
How could something that wasn’t the size of his palm matter so much? Because it’s part of Sophia. It felt an awful damn lot like she was part of him.
“Thanks for texting me,” Marcus said. He didn’t look completely convinced that his sister was okay, but some of the tension in his shoulders relaxed when he let out a big sigh.
“Not sure your sister is going to thank me. She’s not real thrilled your parents are here.”
They walked over to the orange row of plastic, connected seats, which were so narrow, they left one between them to be comfortable.
Leaning back, Declan scrubbed his hands over his face. This had been one of the best and scariest nights of his life.
