by Lauren Child
Ruby poured herself some Choco Puffles and did the quiz on the back of the packet.
She had figured all the answers out by the time her mom put down the phone and called out:
‘Ruby, you know that pig I saw? I’m ninety-nine per cent certain it was a hippo.’
RUBY: ‘I’m not sure what to say.’
SABINA: ‘It was running pretty fast.’
RUBY: ‘Maybe it’s in training.’
SABINA: ‘Mock me all you want Ruby, but you won’t laugh so much when you find it in the lap pool, possibly doing its business.’
RUBY: ‘So long as it brings its own beach towel I’m not judging.’
Brant Redfort walked in.
RUBY: ‘So Dad, did you hear the news? We’re gonna be sharing the pool with a hippo.’
BRANT: ‘Ruby, I don’t much care for it when you describe people that way.’
RUBY: ‘No, an actual hippo, as in potamus.’
Brant looked confused. ‘I think I missed a part of this conversation.’
RUBY: ‘Mom, do you wanna fill him in?’
BRANT: ‘Interesting as that surely would be, I need to getto the office.’
RUBY: ‘Me too.’
She grabbed her satchel and headed out into the heat of the morning. As she caught the school bus, she thought about the Madame Swann swoon: was it caused by the heat or a few too many cocktails or was it simply Madame Swann getting all melodramatic? When she arrived at school, she told Red about it.
‘Could it have been, you know, for publicity or something like that?’ said Red. ‘My mom says a lotta celebrity types do a lotta dumb things to get their names in the papers.’
Red’s mother was a costume designer for the movies and so had ‘seen it all’ – as Mrs Digby would say. It wasn’t such a dumb idea. Madame Swann did seem like a person who would be happy to grab the attention any way she could, especially if it looked like the eyes of her guests were wandering in the direction of the famous Persian jewels.
Ruby went to find Clancy who was standing by his locker, trying to close the door before everything he had stuffed in there pushed its way back out.
‘You look like you got a lot on your mind; anything exciting going on?’ he asked.
‘Ah, you know, just the usual,’ said Ruby, yawning. ‘Staking out the city department store, trying to spot a cat burglar, and chatting to my mom about how to pin down a hippo.’
‘What?’ Clancy’s face was all scrunched up; he had skipped breakfast and he felt his brain wasn’t working so well. Clancy was one of those kids who burned energy really fast; without food, he sort of stopped functioning. He didn’t push through and stagger on, he simply conked out. Mouse could go hours without food, days even, she lived on air, but Clancy, well, Clancy was a different kid.
‘How did the stake-out go?’ he asked.
‘Uneventful,’ said Ruby.
‘Oh,’ said Clancy. ‘Shame.’
He stood for a moment, looking a little glazed.
‘So,’ he said finally, ‘what’s with the hippo?’
Ruby had an unfortunate biology lesson; she had forgotten to do her homework assignment and, without even having read what the assignment was about, she was hard pressed to convince anyone that she had done it, but unfortunately left it at home.
Ruby was rarely in trouble for this sort of thing and it was somehow humiliating to be taking a detention for what she would consider a situation easily avoided. To rub salt into the wound this run-in with Mrs Greg was followed by a run-in with Vapona Begwell who obviously had witnessed Ruby going into the toddler park play area the other day.
‘So what is it with you Little Redridingfort, you regressing or something?’
‘What’s your problem Bugwart?’
‘I saw you crawling inside the caterpillar tubes and don’t pretend you got a little squirt sister or something because I know you don’t.’
‘I didn’t know you took such an interest in my family situation.’
‘So you were just crawling about in there like a duh brain,’ sneered Vapona. ‘It doesn’t surprise me.’
‘Ever heard of snakes Bugwart? The boa constrictor kind?
Ever seen what a python can do to a toddler?’
‘Don’t make me puke laughing Redfort, there’s no way you’re gonna get me to believe you saw a python go into the caterpillar tubes and there’s even less of a chance you’re gonna convince me you went in there after it.’
‘I got no interest whether you believe it or not,’ said Ruby. ‘All I’m asking is that you get your big nose out a my business.’
‘Redfort, you’re full of it!’ jeered Vapona.
Ruby was a little late home since she had the after-school task of writing a 5000-word essay on the importance of Mrs Greg’s biology assignments; she’d had a tough time trying to think what to write.
Back in her bedroom Ruby printed out every one of the little photographs taken at the 1770 launch the previous night. They were the size of small Polaroid prints, about two inches by three inches. She looked at them all very closely, but could see nothing to get suspicious about. She looked especially carefully at the pictures she had taken of the Madame Swann collapse, but again she drew a blank. All she saw were men and women dressed up to the nines, smiling and clapping, having a good time, people turning, people looking shocked, people moving in to help: in other words, nothing out of the ordinary.
Ruby’s examination of the photographs was interrupted by a piece of toast which was left outside her door. She read it, then gathered the pictures into her satchel and pulled on her boots and headed back to the city toddler park.
Oh brother! she thought. I hope Bugwart isn’t around.
She didn’t feel the day could get much worse, but, as it turned out, the night was young and there was plenty of time for things to hit a lower low.
Chapter 27.
Drawing a blank
‘SO REDFORT, WHAT DID YOU LEARN FROM LAST NIGHT’S SURVEILLANCE?’ LB was looking at her intently like she needed an answer that would tie everything up and allow her to close the file and move on.
‘I found out that Mrs Gruemeister is allergic to shrimp and so is her cousin Sybil. Jeff, the pianist, really wished he’d learned to play the flute and a few of the guests thought Madame Swann shouldn’t have worn mink with that outfit and several thought she shouldn’t have worn a dead bird on her head,’ replied Ruby. ‘Including me actually.’
LB picked up the red perspex file – Ruby’s file. ‘If you’re trying to tell me something of interest, then might I ask you to get to the point?’
‘What I’m trying to say,’ said Ruby earnestly, ‘is that I saw nothing. At least nothing that adds up as any interest to you, and I’m good at looking for details: dull conversations at boring parties are a specialty of mine. But I could make no connection between what I saw and heard and what we’re looking out for.’
‘So you didn’t notice the host collapse to the floor,’ said LB.
‘Well, I was coming to that,’ said Ruby. ‘I think there’s something a little off about Madame Swann.’
‘What do you mean by “off“?’ said LB.
‘I guess fake is what I mean. I wouldn’t put it past her to fake a faint to get people talking about her,’ said Ruby. ‘I mean she made all the papers, didn’t she? They barely mentioned the whole deal about the Gem Festival.’
‘So you think there’s nothing more to it?’
‘I’m not saying nothing for sure, I’m saying nothing I could see, but I need to keep looking,’ said Ruby.
LB placed the file back on her desk.
‘So,’ she said, ‘where next?’
‘The footage, the close-circuit TV, there must be something that could tell us what’s been going on with the thefts,’ said Ruby.
‘Froghorn has been over that with a fine toothcomb,’ said LB, looking over at Blacker. ‘At least that’s what I understand?’
Blacker gave a nod. ‘I set him
up with a ton of tapes and he’s been looking through them all day every day, but there’s no sign of anyone robbing the place.’
‘Yeah, but is he actually looking?’ said Ruby. ‘I mean really looking? I hate to criticise anyone’s reputation here, especially someone with such white teeth and shiny hair, but I have noticed that he kinda lacks patience.’
LB gave Ruby a look. ‘Yes, I’m aware of how you feel about each other.’
Ruby gave a mock shocked look. ‘Well, I knew I didn’t like him, but I always thought he was very fond of me?’
‘Redfort, cut the baloney and tell me what you want,’ said LB.
‘I’d like to take a look at the tapes myself,’ replied Ruby.
LB turned to Hitch who had just arrived.
Hitch, without more than a second’s pause, said, ‘Let the kid take a look; if there’s something to see, she’ll spot it.’
‘OK,’ said LB, ‘I’ll let Froghorn know – by the way, have you seen my Paris paperweight? It appears to have gone missing.’
In response to this Hitch merely raised an eyebrow.
When they were out of earshot, Ruby asked, ‘So what’s the whole deal with this paperweight?’
‘Sentimental,’ said Hitch. ‘It was the first thing Bradley Baker ever gave her.’
‘Oh,’ said Ruby.
After a short walk down the lower-floor corridor, Hitch and Ruby arrived at the tape room. In the glass sound booth was Agent Miles Froghorn, watching the small screen in front of him as he sipped a wheatgrass shot.
‘Two of my favourite things combined,’ muttered Ruby. ‘An unpleasant person drinking an unpleasant drink.’
‘Play nice Ruby, you know LB likes her agents to be the best of friends.’
‘So why doesn’t she keep him out a my way, in another part of the building. . . or planet?’
‘Because this is his detail and, if you wanna get involved here, you’re gonna have to do things his way.’
But Froghorn was perhaps even less pleased to see Ruby than Ruby was to see him. He didn’t want this upstart in his office, making comments about the way he was conducting his work. What LB saw in her, he did not know. He observed that she had another of her vulgar T-shirts on: make mine a donut.
It was so disrespectful.
After more than three hours of watching, something finally happened. The screen seemed to flicker.
‘What was that?’ said Ruby.
‘What do you mean “what was that?” The screen flickered; it happens on these store cameras – someone jolts it and it moves.’
‘Who would jolt it?’ asked Ruby.
He gave her a pitying look. ‘How would I know little girl? But I’ll take a wild guess and say a store assistant?’
Ruby looked at the plan of the shop floor: each security camera was marked on it and this camera, camera 12G, was placed up high, about twenty feet above the floor.
‘Must be some tall store assistant,’ she said.
‘So it’s not a store assistant,’ said Froghorn.
‘So then what is it?’ said Ruby. “Cause it doesn’t look like interference to me.’
‘Now you believe you’re an expert on surveillance-camera footage?’ said Froghorn.
‘No, I don’t think I’m an expert at sitting in front of a TV screen and watching footage of shoppers shopping; that’s what you do.’
The insult didn’t pass Froghorn unnoticed. ‘Great to know you think you might be good at something Redfort, because I hear the whole survival training didn’t go so well.’
‘I’m glad you care enough to take an interest in my training.’
‘I heard you failed,’ said Froghorn.
‘And who did you hear that from, the Twinford Knitting Circle?’
‘It’s all around Spectrum,’ said Froghorn, ‘the talk of HQ: “Will little Ruby Redfort get canned?”’
Ruby imagined clonking Froghorn on the head and, by conjuring this picture, managed to keep her composure.
‘All I was suggesting,’ she said calmly, ‘is that this could be a flicker caused by something moving very close to the camera lens.’
‘All right, so let me put it this way little girl,’ said Froghorn, ‘what could it possibly have to do with the robberies?’
‘I don’t know,’ replied Ruby, trying her very hardest not to call the potato head sitting next to her a potato head.
‘So why don’t we continue with the job in hand and not waste time.’ Froghorn said this in such a patronising tone that Ruby found it hard to keep from calling the potato head beside her something a whole lot worse than a potato head.
They watched for another hour and Ruby couldn’t help circling back to the flicker.
‘Froghorn’ – she remembered the silent G this time – ‘would you mind just at least replaying that tape again?’ She hoped that the correct pronunciation of his name might make him more compliant.
‘Just to remind you, because you seem a little out of your depth here, we’re looking for a thief, not evaluating the camera quality of Melrose Dorff’s security system.’
‘What’s wrong Froghorn, having a bad hair day?’
Instinctively, Froghorn neatened his hair.
‘You’re so busy telling me,’ said Ruby, ‘that you’re the expert here, the expert at sitting on your smug butt watching a little screen, that it hasn’t occurred to you that you might be missing something, yet I don’t hear you coming up with one possible suggestion that might help us solve this case. And by the way, sure, I might have flunked survival training, but at least I got to go out and try for it. I don’t see anyone trusting you to survive in the great outdoors buster, no doubt because you wouldn’t be able to manage three minutes without your skincare regime, let alone three days without food, shelter and clean undershorts. You don’t know squat about squat and I don’t care how big your IQ is, you’re still the biggest duh brain I ever had the misfortune to meet, so I would suggest you ram your—’
Just before Ruby could finish making this suggestion, Hitch entered the room.
He looked from one to the other. ‘Do I sense an atmosphere?’ Neither of them spoke. ‘I think I do. . . perhaps we should all take a little break.’
He led Ruby out of the room and along the corridor. ‘Come with me kid before you say something stupid on top of all the stupid things you’ve no doubt already said.’
‘So how is the perfume trade?
I see you have a new fragrance out and I was curious about the name – 1770? Are you sure that shouldn’t be 1970?’
Madame Swann gasped. How did Lorelei know?’
‘Oh dear, poor Madame Swann, you thought I wouldn’t find out. Tut tut, never kid a kidder.’
‘What do you want Lorelei?’
Lorelei von Leyden toyed with her drink. ‘Nothing much really, I just need you to teach me something is all.’
‘And what could I possibly teach you? I taught you everything I know and you treated me like dirt.’
Lorelei shrugged. ‘Not quite everything; there was something you neglected to share.’
‘And what would that be?’
‘It concerns a certain process, an extraction of smell.’
Madame Swann’s face hardened.
‘You tell me how to do that,’ said Lorelei, ‘and I’ll keep your little secret safe.’
Chapter 28.
For the good of all
RUBY SENSED THAT HITCH WAS UNUSUALLY ON EDGE as they walked down the corridors. Something was on his mind, bugging him. Ruby was aware that he had had a meeting with LB and she wondered if LB had said something to unsettle him – whatever it was, he wasn’t sharing.
When they got to the orange door of the gadget room, Hitch said, ‘Now kid, I need to step in here, for just five minutes. Do you think you can stay out of trouble for three hundred seconds?’
‘What are you saying?’ said Ruby. ‘You suggesting that I might touch something?’
‘No,’ said Hitch, ‘I’m suggesting t
hat you might steal something like all those times before. Just try and keep your hands in your pockets until we get out.’
They made their way through the corridors and punched in the code and entered. There was no sign of anyone, just a note on the workbench at the far end of the room. Hitch picked it up, frowned and said, ‘OK, so I need to go into the back room and search through some boxes until I find what I’m looking for – you sit tight.’
‘What are you looking for?’ asked Ruby.
‘Not that it’s any of your business, but I’m picking up the Bradley Baker watch,’ said Hitch.
‘I should say it’s totally my business,’ said Ruby. ‘LB gave that watch to me.’
‘No,’ said Hitch, ‘LB requested that you keep that watch; it’s yours to use in the field until she says otherwise.’
‘Now you’re nit-picking,’ said Ruby.
‘Now you’re getting on my nerves kid,’ said Hitch.
‘I was only saying,’ said Ruby.
‘And I’m saying two words: zip it.’
Ruby snapped her mouth shut and gave him a cross-eyed look.
‘Better,’ he said. ‘Your watch, aka Bradley Baker’s watch, has been fixed up and should be somewhere in the back room, but I’m not sure exactly where, so while I go look, you stand still.’
Hitch disappeared and Ruby walked up and down, peering into the cabinets, most containing what appeared to be mundanely ordinary objects.
She was just taking a look at the parachute cape again when she noticed something gleaming on the floor just under one of the cases. She walked over and picked it up – it was a silver cufflink, one of Hitch’s, though she hadn’t noticed it drop. She stood up and banged her head as she did so. It was then that she discovered that displayed in the case next to the lost cufflink was a whole series of objects that related to being lost and getting found.
