by Lauren Child
‘I didn’t mean it like it sounded,’ said Ruby. ‘Just meant I was planning on a little downtime, but I guess your company might restore my mood.’
‘I’m beginning to think yours might have the entirely opposite effect,’ said Clancy.
‘See you in ten,’ said Ruby.
Chapter 3.
Leaf peepers
THEY MET WHERE THEY USUALLY MET when they didn’t want to bump into anyone else – the old oak tree on Amster Green. It was a good spot for hiding coded notes when there were secrets to be passed, and it was also a pretty perfect spot to sit and observe the comings and goings on Amster. The leafy branches provided good cover from passers-by, even this late in the year. October was almost here and most of the leaves still clung to the branches, the colours vivid and varied. It was an exceptional fall due to the late summer and sudden cold snap, the old oak’s leaves turning a whole host of colours.
‘Ideal for leaf peepers,’ said Ruby.
‘What?’ said Clancy.
‘Leaf peepers,’ repeated Ruby, ‘folks who like to spend their free time looking at leaves turning.’
‘There’s a name for people who do that?’ said Clancy. ‘Looking at leaves changing colour has an actual name?’
‘Everything has a name,’ said Ruby. ‘And this is an especially good fall for leaf peeping. It’s due to that Indian summer we had; I mean, until a few weeks ago the days were pretty sunny, unusually so. We’ve also had some cool evenings and no rain to speak of – as I said, ideal conditions for leaf peepers. It all has to do with sunlight, sugar and sap.’
‘What?’ said Clancy.
‘The green in a leaf is chlorophyll, right? Well, chlorophyll disappears more quickly when the sunlight is bright and the evenings are cool. And dry weather makes more sugar in the cell sap, which accelerates production of red compounds. So: bright days, cool nights and no rain means the green goes fast and lots of red is made to replace it. A leaf peeper’s idea of heaven.’
‘Jeepers, you really retain all this stuff in your actual brain?’
‘You never know when it might come in handy,’ said Ruby.
‘Apart from a biology test, I don’t see this info coming in super handy,’ said Clancy. ‘It’s not knowledge you need to have at your fingertips.’
‘How do you know?’ said Ruby. ‘You never know when a piece of information might prove vital for your future survival.’
‘I think you can be fairly sure this leaf thing isn’t going to help you in a life-or-death situation.’
Ruby knew a lot of facts like this – she spent an awful lot of time looking them up in books. She sometimes even attended lectures on subjects which interested her, slipping in unseen to the Twinford University seminars. The more you know, the more you know was a motto of Ruby’s, and she knew a lot.
Clancy and Ruby were sitting high in the oak’s branches and looking up at the sky and the dark clouds that were beginning to gather. Was the wind picking up or was there rain coming in?
‘You reckon you could outrun a tornado?’ mused Clancy.
‘No,’ said Ruby.
‘You say that, but I mean could you? I mean, has anyone tried?’
‘I’m sure plenty have tried, but unless they can run at two hundred miles an hour then no, they haven’t succeeded.’
‘Even on a bike?’ asked Clancy.
‘Who can ride a bike at two hundred miles an hour? Who does anything at two hundred miles an hour?’ said Ruby.
Clancy changed the subject. ‘So how are you going to explain climbing into a garbage can?’ he asked.
‘To whom?’
‘Your folks?’
‘How are they gonna find out? Mrs Digby’s sure as darn it not gonna tell ’em.’
‘Yeah, but Mr Chester might.’
‘Oh, so he’s been broadcasting in your neighbourhood as well?’
‘Well, my sister Lulu knew about it. She overheard Mr Chester telling Mr Nori when she walked past the bus stop.’
‘Why doesn’t Mr Chester just get himself a radio station? It would give him wider coverage.’
‘I’m not sure it would,’ said Clancy.
As parents went, Sabina and Brant Redfort were two very easy-going people, but bad manners and lack of social graces turned them very uptight indeed – especially if these failings were their daughter’s. And getting spotted by the town busybody as you climbed out of a dumpster in front of a poker bar was not socially graceful.
‘Let Mr Chester gossip all he likes,’ said Ruby. She wasn’t concerned; she would figure out exactly what to say. ‘So what was the exciting thing you wanted to tell me?’
‘What do you mean, what exciting thing?’ said Clancy.
‘Come on Clance, it is written all over your face, practically oozing out of the corners of your mouth. I can tell you’ve been dying to tell me something since you got here.’
‘No fooling you, huh?’ said Clancy.
‘I can read you like a book, baby.’
Clancy frowned. ‘Let’s hope a more interesting book than the one about how leaves turn red.’
‘So what’s the news?’
‘I’m going to the Environmental Explorer Awards,’ said Clancy, smiling the smile that he would be wearing on the night.
‘You’re going to that?’ Ruby felt like she might fall off her branch.
Clancy nodded. ‘Yes, I am.’
‘Since when?’ said Ruby.
‘Since my dad had this extra invitation.’
‘How did he manage that?’ asked Ruby.
‘My mom’s not keen on some of the live exhibits.’
‘I guess you got lucky,’ said Ruby.
‘I know,’ said Clancy, ‘it’s this year’s big money-can’t-buy ticket. It must be one of the few perks of being the Ambassador’s favourite son.’ (Clancy was also the ambassador’s only son.)
‘What about your sisters? They not wanna go?’ asked Ruby.
‘Minny’s banned due to some misdemeanour or other, Lulu’s not into that kinda thing, and since I’m the third oldest the others don’t actually get a look in.’
‘I must say, for once I envy you my ambassadorial pal,’ said Ruby.
‘Are your mom and dad going?’ said Clancy.
‘Need you ask?’ said Ruby. The Twinford Environmental Explorer Awards was a three-yearly event held in the Twinford Geographical Institute, a grand modernist building near the Twinford City Museum. A large cheque was presented by a local dignitary to the environmentalist deemed to have made the biggest impact on some area of world ecology. It was a big deal event. Of course the Redforts were going. Ruby’s parents were Twinford’s premiere socialites, attending on average two major functions per week along with a sprinkling of private parties, launches and fundraisers.
‘You couldn’t, like, wrestle a ticket?’ asked Clancy.
‘It’s a sell out,’ said Ruby, ‘everyone wants to be there. I guess I will be left watching it on TV.’
‘It’s because of the exhibits,’ said Clancy, ‘that’s what makes it so popular. They said there’s going to be moon rock there and probably one or two astronauts floating around.’
‘If you get to speak to one of them you gotta ask, which is the more comfortable space suit: the G4C, or the A7L?’ Ruby thought for a moment and then added, ‘Also, does the moon really smell like wet gunpowder?’
Clancy said, ‘I’m going to ask them how they can sit in a rotating spacecraft without getting dizzy? I mean my sister Nancy would puke all the way to the moon.’
‘Which isn’t saying a lot since your sister Nancy looks like she’s about to puke every time she climbs aboard the school bus. No, the real question to ask is – “Aren’t you concerned about all that space junk you’re littering the galaxy with? Sooner or later someone’s going to bump into a lump of it …” – that’s what I wanna know,’ said Ruby. ‘That and what Virgil Hipkip does in his spare time.’
‘Can you even imagine?’ mused Clancy. ‘I mean how does a guy like
that relax?’
‘Ah, he probably knits,’ said Ruby.
Virgil Hipkip was a survivalist and explorer of hostile terrain, and known for many hair-raising feats, but the most notorious was when he swam beneath the Arctic ice with a polar bear.
‘He’s the reason my mom doesn’t want to go,’ said Clancy. ‘She thinks he may have insisted that jungle grubs be served as canapés.’
‘A not entirely unreasonable worry,’ said Ruby.
‘I’m hoping to meet him,’ said Clancy. ‘As they say, he hangs out with the rare and dangerous, or is it the dangerously rare?’
‘Well, talking of dangerously rare, if you get a chance, ask him if he’s run into the Blue Alaskan wolf recently – I’ll betcha he hasn’t.’
‘Yep, we must be the only two kids alive today who have seen that old wolf,’ said Clancy. They were talking about a creature thought to be extinct until August that year. Ruby and Clancy had cut it loose. Had they left it caged up there on Wolf Paw Mountain where Lorelei von Leyden and the mysterious Australian woman she was working for had trapped it, then its fate might very well have been the same as that of the dodo.
‘So who do you figure is going to get the big cheque?’ asked Ruby.
‘My money’s on the woman who discovered that new snake species.’
‘Why’s that?’
‘I don’t know, just a hunch,’ said Clancy. ‘I just got a good feeling about her. It’s the sort of discovery that takes a hold on people’s imaginations.’
‘That’s because people are scared of snakes,’ said Ruby. ‘People like to be thrilled.’
‘True, but more than that, this snake has an amazing yellow skin, I mean, fluorescent yellow,’ said Clancy. ‘On top of that, it has a really weird venom, interesting weird.’
‘What does it do?’ said Ruby.
‘Well, it doesn’t kill you,’ said Clancy. ‘At least, not immediately. First of all you sweat, like a lot. I mean you basically sweat to death unless you drink about a gallon of water; if you don’t, you end up like a raisin. The worst of it is, you find you can’t close your eyes – they are sort of pinned open, which is very unattractive and unrelaxing.’
‘You think you would be able to relax with symptoms like those?’ asked Ruby.
‘It also gives you really bad breath,’ added Clancy.
‘Gross. How come you know all these reptile facts?’ asked Ruby.
‘My dad was given the literature on account of him being on the awards committee. I read up on it. It’s top secret though; I shouldn’t even be telling you,’ said Clancy. ‘I hope you’re not going to blab.’
Ruby rolled her eyes. ‘Give me a break.’ Hearing about the snake made her wish more than ever that she could make it to the Explorer Awards; snakes were of particular interest to her.
She had spent an awful lot of her time watching the nature channel and had seen more than a few programmes about deadly snakes and their habitats. It was a subject that fascinated both her and Clancy, and one that they had often argued about.
They were always trying to figure out which was the most deadly snake of all. Clancy would usually argue: ‘It has to be the hook-nosed sea krait because it requires the least venom to kill.’
‘Come on, it has got to be the Russell’s viper,’ Ruby would answer. ‘I mean, it has to be considered the more dangerous on account of it being a more aggressive reptile and it packs more venom. You also have to consider that you are much more likely to cross paths with a Russell’s viper than our hook-nosed friend.’
Clancy refused to accept this argument and merely countered that this was not the point – if one happened to meet the Enhydrina schistosa then the chances of making it back to the beach to enjoy a little more sunbathing activity were pretty much non-existent. This argument had been going on for the past five and a quarter years and a compromise had yet to be found. What they both did agree on was: ‘Whichever one you meet, just be sure you don’t upset it.’
‘This snake lady,’ said Ruby, ‘what’s her name?’
Amarjargel Oidov? Or as they say in Outer Mongolia, Oidov Amarjargel.’
‘That’s where the snake’s from? Outer Mongolia?’
‘No, that’s where she’s from. I don’t know where the snake’s from,’ said Clancy. ‘It sounds cool, doesn’t it?’
‘What, the snake?’
‘Outer Mongolia. I mean, how many countries are called ‘outer’ whatever?’
‘You mean like outer space?’
‘Yeah sorta, just makes it sound exciting, kinda wild,’ said Clancy.
‘Speaking of outer space, my money’s on the Mars exploration,’ said Ruby. ‘I mean, what could be more exciting than the big question … is anyone out there?’
‘… And will they infiltrate human society?’
‘Well, if they are and they do then please let them be on the side of wholesome good-citizen-like behaviour because we already have more than enough bad guys mooching around, most of them in Twinford, as far as I can tell.’
The face of the Count loomed up in her mind’s eye – she could see him laughing, his dark eyes unfathomable. He’d been involved in more than one of the cases Ruby had worked on. Did he have further plans to bring his deadly ambitions to town? She had a bad feeling that all of the cases she’d solved so far were only building up to something bigger. Something infinitely deeper and darker than her worst nightmares could conjure.
She shook her head, trying to dislodge the image, and said, ‘Boy, if I could just get my hands on one of those Explorer tickets.’
‘You’d be lucky,’ said Clancy. ‘My dad said people are ready to commit murder for them.’
And Ruby could almost hear the Count laugh.
Chapter 4.
Brainless bivalves
WHEN RUBY OPENED THE FRONT DOOR she could hear her mother’s voice. Sabina Redfort was on the phone and speaking in a vaguely hushed tone. Ruby paused on the stairs, trying to figure out who her mother was talking to. She sounded serious, very serious.
‘You know, I’m just at a loss, what am I going to do? It will be a total disaster if I don’t find them … I can’t tell him …’ Silence. ‘Oh my gosh, are you sure? … You really mean it? I mean, I can see the sense, they are practically identical … I don’t know how I can ever thank you!’ She sounded beyond grateful. ‘That would just about save my life … What’s that? No, I hadn’t heard … Today you say?’
Ruby froze, waiting for the next words. Was someone about to tell her mother about the dumpster incident?
‘Sure thing, yes, I’m dying to go to the Melrose Dorff sale but it will have to be tomorrow, I have a party tonight … Meet you at the perfume counter, sounds perfect, tomorrow it is. I’ll see you in town, bye, bye, bye.’
Marjorie Humbert! thought Ruby. Has to be. She recognised the sign off: ‘bye, bye, bye’ was what her mother and Marjorie always ended their conversations with.
She exhaled; she was getting paranoid, seeing trouble where there was none. Nothing serious had happened. Her mom no doubt was worrying about her outfit for the Explorer Awards and Marjorie was lending her a pair of shoes or earrings, something her mother had mislaid.
As it happened, Ruby was on the money.
‘Hey Mom, how’s it going?’ she said as she walked into the living room.
‘A whole lot better since two minutes ago. Marjorie has saved my life!’
‘Literally?’ asked Ruby.
‘Sort of literally but not exactly,’ said Sabina.
‘How did she manage that over the phone?’
‘By lending me her ruby-eyed snake earrings. Don’t tell your father,’ said her mother, adopting a conspiratorial whisper. ‘He’ll never spot the difference, even though Marjorie’s are cobras and mine are sea serpents, but he’d be so mad if he knew I’d lost them. You see, I clean forgot to put them on the insurance.’
‘When did you last have them?’ asked Ruby.
‘During my stay in New York Cit
y.’
‘So they could be at Grandma’s place?’
‘She’s looked and looked but they haven’t shown up,’ sighed Sabina, ‘not on the night stand, not in the bathroom or anywhere obvious.’
‘So I take it Dad’s not home?’ said Ruby.
‘Not yet honey. He was called in for an emergency meeting about the Explorer Awards. The caterers stepped out at the last minute – the chef apparently has a considerable fear of snakes. Brant offered to find a replacement … He is late though,’ she said, looking at her watch. ‘I hope everything’s OK. I have a bad feeling about this whole function.’
It was most unlike Sabina to have a bad feeling about anything – losing her jewellery had clearly rattled her.
Ruby sank down on the sofa opposite her mother.
‘You’re sitting on the menu,’ said Sabina.
‘What?’
‘The menu,’ said Sabina. ‘You happen to be sitting on it.’
‘Oh.’ Ruby pulled the card from under her. ‘So is this what they’re serving on the night?’
‘It was going to be,’ said Sabina, ‘but who knows now, it might just be crackers.’
Ruby began reading from the card. ‘Looks fancy. Caviar, oysters …’
SABINA: ‘I do love oysters, but I feel very uncomfortable eating them now it turns out they have a brain.’
RUBY: ‘I think you are getting mixed up here. They don’t have brains, they are brain food, i.e. meant to be food for the brain.’
SABINA: ‘Whose brain?’
RUBY: ‘Your brain – anyone’s brain.’
SABINA: ‘You sure?’
RUBY: ‘Yes. By the way, you eat plenty of other things with brains.’
SABINA: ‘I know, but I’ve been eating oysters all this time and thinking they don’t have brains.’
RUBY: ‘Well, you can relax ’cause they don’t.’
SABINA: ‘You’re sure about this?’
RUBY: ‘Where do you think they would keep them?’
SABINA: ‘In their shells, of course.’
RUBY: ‘Where in the “body”? I mean, you’ve shucked enough oysters to know.’
