by Lauren Child
‘I’m Leo …’ said the meathead she couldn’t see.
‘Names are for amateurs, Leo,’ said the man in the red hat. His accent: Australian.
‘I just thought …’
‘I have no interest in sending you a postcard, so why would I need to know your pathetic name?’
‘Forget about it.’
‘I plan to.’
‘So I heard there might be a job for me – what is it?’
‘My boss is looking for someone – here.’ There was the sound of paper being torn as a piece was ripped from a spiral-bound notebook. ‘He’s gone AWOL you see.’
Ruby peeped over the seatback. She had a good vantage point, the room was in darkness and the stage lit by just one spotlight.
‘So who is this Marshall guy?’ asked the meathead.
‘It doesn’t matter who he is,’ said the Australian guy. ‘All you have to do is track him down, and when you find him, well, eliminate him.’ He flipped the top off the bottle. He did exactly what he had done last time, breathed in the aroma and took a swig. He said nothing for a few seconds before jotting something in his notebook.
‘Is that drink speaking to you?’ said the meathead.
‘Now how would it do that?’ sneered the man. As he walked down the steps he placed the bottle under the spotlight centre stage, like it was a prop in some performance. ‘I have to get going,’ he said moving back through the audience seating. ‘Places to be, you know.’
‘No other message or nothing?’ said Leo. ‘From your boss, I mean.’
The guy in the red hat paused, stopping at the end of the row where Ruby crouched.
‘Oh yeah, she did say one thing, I seem to remember her exact words were, “Sweetie, if this chump messes up then feel free to take him out.” I don’t think she was suggesting a dinner date by the way, Leo, and you should be in no doubt that she never makes idle threats.’ His footsteps resumed; there was a swish of swing doors, and he was gone.
Ruby had turned very cold, the word sweetie had reminded her of one person, one very deadly person. Like most people, Ruby had a whole string of individuals she would prefer not to have to see again, but this person was not on that list, this person was on one very short list, a list comprising people she never ever wanted to see again, nor even hear about in passing. This was because the previous time Ruby had encountered her, this person had tried to kill her. On that occasion Ruby had stared into her steel blue eyes and been sure that she was about to die. Now it seemed she was back.
The Australian woman.
Who, it seemed, had an Australian henchman in a red hat doing her dirty work for her.
It was time to get out of there. Ruby began to crawl towards the door and then she remembered the Taste Twister drink. It meant something – he’d noted something down after tasting it – and she needed to know what. She sighed. She was going to have to wait until the meathead called Leo left the stage. He was taking his time about it, reading whatever was written on that scrap of paper.
Come on, thought Ruby, split why don’t you, then we can all go home.
She realised why he was hanging around when she heard a second man.
‘Hey, Leo, you get your orders?’
‘Yeah, he thought he was some kinda hard nut, British I think.’
Ruby figured Leo didn’t watch enough international TV: if he had, that Australian accent would have been unmissable.
Goon number two sat down.
I don’t believe it, she thought, now they’re gonna have a little heart to heart about some murder plan?
‘So, Leo, the money’s good?’
‘Yeah, and what she wants us to do, it’s a piece of cake.’
There was no way of grabbing that bottle, not while these two creeps were hanging around, so she waited and hoped that Archie was as patient as she was.
At last Ruby heard the creaking of wood as the men stood.
‘Come on Bruno, let’s get outta here.’
They walked down the stage steps and were just making their way back up through the tiered seating, in fact had almost reached the large swing doors, when the worst thing happened – Archie woke up.
Chapter 36.
Baby talk
‘DID I JUST HEAR A BABY?’ said the first guy.
‘Couldna been,’ said the second.
Now they were both listening.
Ruby was feeling around for Archie’s pacifier: where is it, darn it? She pulled it from her pocket and was just fumbling to pop it in the baby’s little mouth when it slipped from her fingers and bounced under one of the seats.
Archie began to wail. No mistaking that.
‘So it seems we have an audience,’ said the first guy. ‘Are you a baby all on your lonesome or do you have company?’ As he talked they moved, Goon One seemed to be trying to distract Ruby while Goon Two was trying to figure out exactly where she was hiding – for a man so hulking he was very light on his feet.
‘Come out, come out, wherever you are!’ called Goon One.
Jeepers Archie, now see what you’ve done … Her urge was to run, to sprint to the door. Six seconds Ruby, take six seconds and breathe. Keeping her cool, she reached far under the seat, patted the floor with her hand, found the pacifier, placed it in Archie’s angry mouth – instant quiet. Better, now she could think. If she stayed put, it was just a matter of time before this second light-footed goon found her and dragged her out – by her hair, no doubt.
Ruby could hear the guy feeling around for something, the lights most probably. She had no idea where the other one had got to since he was keeping quiet.
‘Let’s get outta here Archie,’ whispered Ruby. She moved stealthily and speedily towards the front. She flew up the steps to the stage, grabbing the Taste Twister bottle as she went.
Then vwoom – dazzling white as every spotlight in the theatre came on.
For a few seconds she was blinded, shielding her face with her arm and Archie with her coat. Where to go? She was staring at the floor since it was the only place she could look. A small brass ring lay there glinting on the wooden boards. Not a ring but a handle – a handle to the trapdoor!
Holding the Taste Twister bottle in one hand, she lifted the trapdoor back and slipped down under the stage, quietly pulling it shut after her. She heard footsteps on the stage above, one of the goons was running this way and that, trying to figure out where she could have gone. The other was shouting.
Ruby thought about RULE 19: PANIC WILL FREEZE YOUR BRAIN. So she stood very still and counted.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
Now she felt calmer.
First: put that drink in your backpack. Second: contact Hitch.
She depressed the button on the fly barrette and hoped that Hitch would hear her.
‘Where did she go?’ said Goon One.
‘Beats me, just disappeared,’ said Goon Two.
He stopped when he saw the door.
He’s figured it out, she whispered in baby Lemon’s ear. ‘I’m beginning to wish we’d stayed home watching A is for Ant.’ The baby looked at her; he was still sucking on the pacifier and looked unduly calm.
Ruby felt around for the other door out of there, the door in the wall that would lead to the back-stage steps. Don’t panic, she told herself, take it easy. It was pitch black down there and they were not alone; the goon had dropped through the boards and was now down there with them.
‘I know you’re here,’ he whispered.
Ruby’s fingers found a catch, she yanked and the door opened and she slipped through, pulling it closed behind her.
‘I hear you,’ called the goon.
Ruby ran up the steps as fast as she could. To the side in the wings was a fixed metal ladder – this she climbed. Now she was high above the stage with the cables and lights and wires, all hitched this way and that to scaffolding. Ruby tiptoed across one of the poles that held the lig
hts. A tiny voice issued from the fly barrette. ‘You in trouble?’
Ruby tapped the transmit button on the fly: long-short-long-short, the Morse code for C, the universal shorthand for “yes”.
The tiny voice came back.
‘I have you on my radar kid. I’m maybe a half mile away, hang tight, I’m almost with you.’
OK, thought Ruby, all we gotta do is inch our way over here into that dark space and wait for Hitch. She began crawling across the steel framework, but Archie, now asleep, let the pacifier slip from his mouth and go spinning through the air. It hit the deck and the goon looked up.
‘Ah, there you are. You wanna come down or do you wanna make me climb? I should probably tell you, too much exertion always puts me in a bad mood.’
‘Uh oh, he’s spotted us,’ hissed Ruby.
‘What do you mean, us?’ asked Hitch.
‘Uh me, I mean me.’
‘Can you get out of there?’
‘I think so.’
‘Well, get out of there.’
‘I’m going to have to fly.’
‘So fly.’
‘I’ll probably have to sort of jump.’
‘Kid, if you’re about to confess that you’ve suddenly developed a fear of heights then this isn’t a good time.’
‘That’s not what I’m saying, it’s just the thing is I have—’
‘Would you get outta there!’
The words came out as an order, albeit a very quiet and tinny one.
Parkour with a baby was one thing – probably not a very good one thing – but parkour with a baby and a couple of, no doubt violent, goons on your tail was another.
‘You know what,’ shouted Goon One, ‘I think I’ll wait down here, see if my pal Bruno can’t shake the tree a bit. I’ll try and catch you, but I gotta warn you, everyone says I’m a bit of a butter-fingers.’
Ruby held her breath and waited until Goon Two had reached the lights, then she leapt, catching hold of a rope in her right hand, swinging across the stage, catching a second rope in her left, her body low enough that as she flew towards Goon One she could bend her legs and kick, DOOF, he was down – and, it looked like, out.
She let go of the rope, dropped to the floor and ran, leaping from the stage and sprinting over the seat backs. Goon Two had no idea why his pal, Leo, was lying spread-eagled on the stage, but he wasn’t losing time thinking about it and he was a lot more agile than he looked. At this precise moment, Ruby could have done without the extra weight that was Archie. He didn’t weigh a ton, but when you were quietly trying to escape from a pair of murderous villains then it was better to be free of all burdens, babies especially.
Gotta lose the Lemon, she thought. She climbed up to the balcony seating and vaulted over in one easy move. Then, crouching low so she was hidden from view, she undid the sling and looked around her for a safe place to deposit the baby. There was a high-sided box full of concert programmes, tall enough that he couldn’t get out or be seen. She clicked off the fly barrette just for a minute.
‘Sorry to do this to you Lemon,’ she said as she emptied out the box and placed him in it. He didn’t look like he minded, just smiled up at her. ‘Now look, I gotta leave you for a few minutes.’ He looked like he was going to start grizzling. ‘Don’t start that up again Archie, you’re gonna get us both into some serious horse manure if you open that tiny mouth of yours.’ The baby was looking at her watch, reaching one small hand towards it.
‘You have to be kidding,’ she hissed. ‘You know this is a serious piece of gadgetry – belonged to Bradley Baker, agent of agents – and all you’re gonna do is stick it in your mouth. Am I right or am I right?’ But what choice did she have? ‘Darn it, Lemon!’ She took the watch off and handed it to him and he put it in his mouth. Ruby rolled her eyes. ‘OK, so suck on that while I go trip up the mean guy.’
She switched the fly barrette back on. ‘Kid, what happened? I thought I’d lost you there.’
‘No, still right here,’ hissed Ruby.
‘Come out, little girl,’ threatened the heavy, ‘or I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll tear this place apart.’
Ruby had to draw him away from Archie so she ran as fast as she could along the balcony rail and jumped right down in front of him. She was facing him now. He was approximately six foot five in stocking feet, and she was, well, she was a whole lot shorter. Maybe a foot and a half shorter. He smirked an ugly smirk when he saw her there. ‘Oh please, this is too easy,’ he said.
He went to grab her but she dodged him. He laughed and lunged at her, but still she avoided his reach. Less pleased, he lashed out; she ducked. He pitched forward, grabbed her arm, but she knew just what to do – using his own momentum she executed a perfect kotegaeshi, twisting on the spot while using her other hand to push on his neck, flipping him in the air to land heavily on his back.
The man’s expression went from puzzlement to fury. He sprang to his feet, spun round to deliver a karate kick, but Ruby turned her body sideways and tilted backwards, and his attack made no contact. He ran at her, swinging his fist, and this time she caught his hand, pushed her leading knee forward and somersaulted him over in a textbook tenchi nage.
He hit the ground with his back, even harder this time. He lay there gasping for breath. He couldn’t get up or stagger, let alone run.
The other goon was still out cold. She wasn’t going to wait for him to come round. Don’t push your luck Redfort, get out while the going’s good – so she did. She climbed up to the balcony, picked baby Lemon out of the box, strapped him back into the sling and ran for the exit. As she did so, she tapped the fly barrette. ‘I’m safe,’ she said.
‘And the bad guys?’
‘Out for the count.’
‘Nice going kid. Now get out of there. You can tell me the story once I’ve got them safely tucked up in jail.’
Out in the fresh air, she breathed deep. The adrenaline was still coursing through her and her heart still beating so fast that she needed to steady herself, her hand reaching out for the trunk of one of the sturdy old lime trees which had stood in the university courtyard for a reassuringly long time. When at last she regained her breath, she looked down at the baby.
‘Are you OK Lemon?’ she asked. Her heart was racing. She touched his face. He was sleeping so soundly that he barely stirred. He looked utterly serene, the rescue watch still clutched in his fat hand. ‘I guess goons and murderers don’t exactly bother you.’
At the women’s
correctional
facility …
… they tossed the escaped prisoner’s cell, as they always did after a breakout.
There was nothing in the little cupboard.
Nothing under the bed.
But there was something hidden inside the mattress.
A book.
A book filled with colourful descriptions of what the prisoner intended to do to some un-named enemy, if she ever caught her.
‘This makes for some pretty unpleasant reading,’ said the prison warden.
‘Who do you think she had it in for?’
‘I don’t know. Could be her mother, her sister, her childhood friend, perhaps it’s some poor sap who simply had the grand misfortune to bump into her one day. But I’ll say this – whoever it might be, I wouldn’t want to be in her shoes.’
‘Should we contact the cops?’
‘I think this might be a job for the FBI,’ said the warden. He picked up the book and shook his head. ‘Honest to goodness, what’s written here is enough to give me sleepless nights for the rest of time.’
Chapter 37.
Limes are not the same as lemons
RUBY STAYED UP LONG AFTER HER PARENTS HAD GONE TO BED. She sat there in the dim light of the kitchen, waiting for the sound of Hitch’s car in the driveway. Bug kept her company, his nose resting on her feet. When Hitch finally walked in, he poured himself a drink and joined her there in the semi-darkness.
‘You OK kid?’
/> ‘Yeah, but my arm kinda aches, that creep twisted it practically in two.’
‘Looks like you got the better of him.’
‘You got him?’ said Ruby.
‘Got them both … impressive for such a small kid.’
‘Yeah, well, they underestimated me.’
‘Maybe they got distracted by the baby.’
‘What baby?’
‘One of them kept mumbling something about a baby.’
‘Probably suffering from concussion; he did hit the deck real hard.’
‘That’s probably it,’ said Hitch. ‘So do you mind filling me in a little, I think I’m missing something.’
‘I saw the red hat guy again in Harker Park, the one I spotted looking at the billboard.’
‘The Taste Twister thing?’
‘Yeah,’ said Ruby, ‘so I followed him. I was just curious, I wanted to know if Clancy was right.’
‘About what?’ asked Hitch.
‘Well, see, he has this theory that the Taste Twister billboards are some sophisticated advertising ploy to get all of Twinford desperately searching for Taste Twister drinks.’
Hitch raised an eyebrow. ‘Why would they do that?’
‘To make the brand seem cool or something,’ said Ruby. ‘But anyway, I thought I’d follow this guy in the red hat, see if he located another bottle and then ask him straight out.’
‘So what happened?’
‘Well he did find another bottle, it was in the music school canteen,’ said Ruby, ‘but he didn’t taste it then and there, he carried it off, which is why I followed and we both ended up in the concert hall. He took a slurp, wrote something down and headed off.’
‘So where’s the bottle?’ asked Hitch.
‘Oh, I got it,’ she patted her backpack. ‘I just hope it’s worth it because it wasn’t easy to come by, you know.’
‘Bring it in to Spectrum and let’s see what SJ and Blacker make of it.’
