by Dean, Ali
“That thought occurred to me. Just way too eager. They’ve been on me all night.” He shudders.
I lean around them to get a better look and they’re talking to Tariq and Romeo now.
“Come on, let’s get you guys some drinks.” Moses tilts his head in the direction of a cooler. “We’ll protect you, man,” he reassures Griff.
I’m still carrying my skateboard, and as the guys pick out beers from the cooler, I can’t help myself. “Hey Moses, is it okay if I hit the half pipe?” It’s still empty, but lamps are lighting it up.
“Oh yeah, go for it. We were on it earlier so it’s all yours.”
“I’ll come,” Griff immediately offers.
I glance at Beck and he shrugs with a smile. At least it’s better than Griff pretending to be my boyfriend to save himself from a threesome. Besides, if I can’t lean into Beck like I want to tonight, I might as well have some fun skateboarding.
Beck
I’m seriously considering saying fuck it, let’s just go public and let everyone know we’re together. As long as the Shred Live execs don’t find out, it doesn’t have to be an issue. But that’s the problem. It’d get to the execs somehow, someway, and then we’d have to fake break up and Jordan would get thrown into the gossip pit.
“You must be so ready to be done with classes and get to the Shred Live house,” Camila says.
“I think it’s going to be really fun. I mean, it will basically be like this every night.” Sarah gestures around the party with her drink. “And all day we get to skateboard with other pros in a private park.”
That’s one way of looking at it. Not wanting to be a downer, I don’t point out it’s the same twenty people for three months, and that we’ll be doing everything together, including competing against each other. All while being filmed. Instead, I nod, forcing my eyes off Jordan on the half pipe. “Yeah,” I agree blandly. “Can’t wait to see that park.” That’s true, at least.
“I know,” Sarah gushes. “So, what’s the deal with Griffin and the new girl? Are they together or something?” Her abrupt subject change has me blinking a few times before I realize what she’s asking me.
“Jordan?”
“Yeah, Jordan Slattery.” She flicks her eyes to the half pipe.
“Jordan and Griffin?” I ask, needing clarification for some reason.
“They just seem really close, and he must have bent over backward to get her into the Oregon Cup last minute like that.”
I glance over at my girlfriend and best friend. They’re high-fiving as they make their way off the half pipe. I can’t decide if I’m more pissed someone thinks they’re together, or that Sarah’s trying to insinuate Jordan didn’t deserve to be at the Oregon Cup.
“I don’t think he had to do much bending backward after her performance at the Riptide contest. Besides, I’d say it was a good business move for him either way, wouldn’t you? I mean she got second, and she was wearing Brazen logos.”
“Yeah, it just seems more than that,” Sarah says with a shrug, taking a sip of her drink.
“It’s cute. Griff’s never really had a girlfriend,” Camila adds, acting like I just confirmed Sarah’s suspicions.
I watch as Griff reaches into the cooler and hands Jordan a water bottle. Everything in me rebels against anyone thinking those two are a couple. My blood boils and my heart pounds in my chest just at the idea of letting these two girls believe my girlfriend is with someone else. But there’s this little voice in my head, one that’s tapping its chin and nodding sagely, telling me it would make things easier if that’s what people thought.
Sarah starts talking to someone else beside us, and I feel a hand on my forearm, bringing me back to the conversation. It’s Camila.
“Hey, I hope it won’t be awkward between us on Shred Live.” She’s talking in this syrupy voice and kind of jutting her chest out, shoving her tits into my line of sight. Okay, maybe not in my line of sight, but given she’s wearing a bikini, it’s like gravity for my gaze to drop for a brief second before flicking it back to meet her eyes.
“Awkward? It will be fine, Camila, don’t worry about it.”
“I don’t know. We never really got a chance to talk about what happened after Kelly flipped out. In some ways, maybe this will be a chance for us to get to know each other better without her in the background, you know?”
What is she talking about?
My only reaction is to flinch a little when she moves her hand further up my arm, practically stroking it.
Fuck, I can relate to Griff struggling with dealing with unwanted attention now. There’s no space to take a step back and I debate straight up removing her hand from my arm, but shit, she’d see that as a huge diss, and I don’t need to be stirring up drama before the show even starts. I came here tonight for the opposite reason.
Camila is still talking. “I don’t regret what we did that night. Even with the fallout from Kelly, I’d do it again. I’m really looking forward to getting more time together, Beck.”
She’s leaning forward now. What the hell am I supposed to say to that without being an asshole?
“Hey Jordan!” a female voice says right behind Camila. I glance up and find a blonde talking to someone mere feet away from me. There’s a plant between us, the only reason I didn’t notice her before.
I hear her voice though. “Hi Felicity.” Not caring about hurting Camila’s feelings now, I maneuver around her, blocking her out to turn and face my girlfriend. If the stricken expression on her face is any indication, she heard every word Camila said.
Chapter Seventeen
Jordan
“This is Daisy, she’s pledging with Sig Kap too.” Felicity is talking, but all I can think about is what Camila was saying to Beck. I don’t regret what we did that night.
“So you are like, really good at skateboarding,” the one named Daisy says. I can’t decide if her British accent makes the words sound more or less ditzy.
“Um, no, most of the people here tonight are better than me,” I mumble. Blood roars in my ears, the high from riding with Griff a moment ago replaced by something that feels a lot like panic. I sense Beck’s eyes on me, notice Camila behind him trying to get his attention. Have I completely misjudged Beck or is it his past that I’ve been naïve about?
Cold sweat trickles down my back as my eyes move around the party. What am I even doing here? I should be in my dorm room, curled up in bed.
“So does Griffin, like, coach you?” Felicity asks. “I heard you’re the brand rep for the women’s line with his new company. How does that work?”
The pounding in my chest becomes more incessant, and a wave of nausea sweeps through me. My hands reach behind me, looking for something to grip and finding the branch of a plant. I’m unsteady, swaying a little. It’s getting harder to breathe, and I try to suck air into my lungs harder, but it doesn’t help.
Strong arms wrap around my waist. “Jordan? You okay?”
My tongue is heavy when I answer, “I think I need some water.”
“What’s wrong with her?” Daisy asks.
Another wave of nausea has me closing my eyes. I hear voices around me but they’re muffled, like I’m underwater. I just need a second.
Something cold presses to my forehead and I realize I’m slumped in Beck’s arms.
“Here, drink this,” he says. I open my eyes and find a bottle pressed to my lips. Once the cold liquid goes down, some clarity returns. Another sip, and my heart rate starts to come back to normal. Griffin’s moved in front of the blondes with a chair, and Beck guides me to sit in it.
As I start to shake the symptoms, my breathing slowing, embarrassment is the first thing to hit. Pretty sure I just had my first panic attack in years, and it was at Moses Roan’s house. A party at his house, no less. The handful of times I had panic attacks early on in high school, they were set off by the strangest circumstances, things I wasn’t even really aware were stressing me out. Busy school hallways. A smal
l crowd gathering around to watch me at the skate park. One time, it happened when some people came to sit with me in the lunchroom and seemed to already know a lot about me, when I barely recognized them as upper classmen. Eventually it went away on its own and I never really did figure out the source of the problem. I mean, it didn’t go away entirely, I just managed to get a hold of it before it took over. And I did kind of suspect the cause – crowds and unexpected or unwanted attention. But tonight? Tonight doesn’t really line up with that theory.
Pretty sure I just had a panic attack because of what I overheard Camila say to my boyfriend. My secret boyfriend. Maybe I can’t handle this after all.
I’m facing away from everyone and Beck and Griff are crouched on either side of me, but that doesn’t mean I’m not aware of eyes on us. On me. Wondering what my deal is, making assumptions. It almost sends me back to freak-out mode, but I’m too exhausted. Emotionally drained.
“Come on, let’s get you home.”
Beck starts to help me up and I surprise both of us when instinct has me brushing him off. “I’m fine,” I tell him.
Moses comes over to ask if we need anything, and I apologize for leaving early. Griff tells him he’s going to head out too, catch a ride with us. I’m grateful for that, not ready to face Beck alone quite yet. It’s too raw, and I don’t even know what to do with what I heard.
I don’t regret what we did that night…I’d do it again. I’m really looking forward to getting more time together, Beck.
We’re opening the front door to the house when we hear footsteps behind us. “Hey guys! Do you think we could get a ride back with you?” It’s Felicity and Daisy.
Beck can’t say no of course, and that’s how I find myself sitting in the backseat with them. I’m amazed when they invite not only Griff, but also Beck over to their place, more than once, throughout the drive. I mean, I’m all for women going after what they want, but after already harassing Griff tonight, we’re not talking a little pushy here. My head is still spinning, but when they make one last-ditch offer as they climb out of the van at their stop, I have a moment of clarity. Felicity and her friend don’t see Griff and Beck as people. They are prizes to them. They’re acting over the top because they assume that’s the only way to get the attention of people like Beck and Griff.
When they get out, I have to ask. “So, does that happen a lot?”
Griff glances back at me. “A lot? No.”
“But it’s not the first time?”
Griff darts his gaze to Beck, who’s running a hand over his mouth. “No, it’s not the first time,” Beck answers reluctantly.
“Huh, so weird,” I murmur. My chest tightens for a different reason at this information. A minute later we pull up in front of Beck’s apartment. There’s no discussion about it, and I’m not about to have one in front of Griff anyway. I should want to be alone right now to sulk or get angry about what I overheard. But the truth is, I need Beck. Lucy is with Coby, and going back to an empty dorm room after having a panic attack sounds miserable.
I can’t let the words I heard fester without getting some sort of explanation first.
As soon as we’re alone in Beck’s room, I hear him shut and lock his door before his hand touches my lower back.
“Jordan?” He sounds so tentative, not like Beck at all.
“Yeah?”
“You okay?”
“I’m not having a panic attack if that’s what you mean.” I haven’t turned around to face him yet. I feel like I’m supposed to be pissed off, but I’m simply too exhausted to muster that kind of indignation. Besides, this is Beck, I can’t assume the worst of him. Ever. He’s always tried to do the right thing, even when I wish he wouldn’t.
Beck’s hand drops from my back, and a moment later he’s in front of me, taking both my hands in his and walking backward until he’s sitting on the edge of the bed. His eyes hold mine, and while his voice may have been tentative seconds ago, his hands are not when they grasp one leg and move it to the side of his hip, and then guide the other one to the other side, until I’m straddling him.
“Jordan, talk to me. Ask me anything. Lash out at me. Cry. Just, don’t go distant on me. Please.”
Seriously, that could be the end of it, those words from Beck and those blue eyes pleading with me.
I almost want to lean forward a few inches, kiss him, and forget about what I overheard.
“What was Camila talking about? When she said Shred Live will be a chance for you to get to know each other without Kelly in the background?”
“Camila used to be Kelly’s best friend. After I broke up with Kelly, I hooked up with Camila. Kelly found out.”
Beck’s eyes hold mine, like he’s daring me to judge him for this. Almost as if he wants a reaction from me, expects one. But I don’t think I give him the one he’s looking for. Scrunching up my face, I tell him, “That doesn’t sound like something you would do.”
“What? Hook up with my ex-girlfriend’s best friend?”
“Yeah. How long had you and Kelly been broken up, anyway?”
“Two weeks,” he answers.
That has me leaning back a little, my heart jumping to my throat.
“Two weeks,” I repeat.
There’s a long pause, neither of us saying a word. My mind goes back to the conversation I overheard, the things she said to Beck. As I put the pieces together, an ice-cold fist wraps around my heart. “So, you always liked Camila? Is that why you broke up with Kelly?”
“No, I told you why I broke up with Kelly. It had nothing to do with Camila.”
He had told me, but still, two weeks later?
“You didn’t answer my other question. Had you always liked Camila?” My throat tightens but I force the next question out. “Do you still feel that way about her?”
Beck shakes his head. “I never really liked Camila. She always gave me the message that she’d go behind Kelly’s back and cheat with me if I gave her the smallest opening. When I hooked up with her, it was to piss off Kelly, who kept trying to get us back together.”
I let out a little breath, as this sounds more like the Beck I know.
“So, you did it to push Kelly away?”
“Yeah. I know it was a shitty thing to do, but Camila wasn’t exactly the most loyal friend anyway. She was the one who came on to me, and I knew it would give me breathing room from Kelly, at least while she was angry with me,” he adds. Yeah, that didn’t last forever.
“I’d tried breaking up with Kelly twice before, and each time she managed to wiggle her way back into my life. I just didn’t have the energy to push her away, or I guess I didn’t realize I’d have to take some more extreme measures.” Beck shrugs. “You know, it worked, so I don’t regret it. At least I didn’t until tonight.”
My head pounds as I process what he’s saying. That cold hand gripping my heart loosens, but doesn’t release me entirely from its grasp. What he’s telling me hurts, even if it happened before we’d met. Just hearing about Beck with other girls in that way… it really sucks.
“Say something,” he whispers. “You think I’m a bad person for doing that? Messing with two friends like I did? Playing with their emotions?”
I blink a few times. No, that wasn’t what I was thinking at all. Camila asked for it, didn’t she? Sounds like more than once. Clearly that wasn’t much of a friendship worth protecting in the first place. And Kelly? Well, can’t say I feel too sorry for her after our one encounter.
“No, that’s not what I think, Beck. It’s just, I could never hook up with someone I didn’t even like. It’s hard for me to understand how you could, well, you know, with someone you don’t even respect.”
“We didn’t have sex,” he says quickly. I wince involuntarily, and he cringes. “Sorry, I just had to make that clear. We barely did anything, Jordan.”
I open my mouth, not really wanting him to elaborate, but he keeps talking, adding, “And guys are a little different that way, maybe. We can
separate intimacy from other emotions better than girls I think. Not that it got very intimate with Camila, but –” I cut him off then, pressing a finger to his lips. He smiles a little under my skin.
“I’m aware of all these gender differences. It doesn’t mean I want to know how they apply to you specifically. At least not unless it has to do with me.”
He smiles wider now and I drop my finger, letting him speak again. “When it comes to you, there’s no separation going on.” The amusement fades from his face. “Jordan, I’m totally in love with you, and I’ve never said that to another woman before. I’m completely invested, in every way.”
My head falls forward, resting my forehead on his. I love this man too. Yet there are still these little moments of doubt and insecurity. When I wonder if I really should be all in like he says he is. “I’m scared, Beck,” I admit. “What happens when you go to film? Camila already said she’s planning to try to seduce you.”
He chuckles a little and I slap his shoulder. “Seduce me? It’s not going to happen, Jordan. Nothing’s going to happen when I’m filming unless I want it to, and you’re the only one I want.” He makes it sounds so simple.
“I love you too, Beck,” I murmur against his lips, not sounding even half as confident as he did. Beck doesn’t seem to care, opening his mouth for a hungry kiss. Showing me that this right here is real, the pulsing in my veins, the firmness of his thighs under mine, the warmth of his hands holding my lower back. It’s real and solid and not going anywhere unless I push Beck away. I’ve never felt so seen before, so understood, as I do in Beck’s arms. It exhilarates me as much as it scares me. But for tonight, for this moment, I’m leaning into the high it brings me and burying the fear.
Chapter Eighteen
Beck
My lungs breathe in her words, expanding as she returns my kiss. I love you. I soak in the sound of her voice, the way her lips trembled inches from mine as she said it. I might have had to tell her she was the first girl I felt this way about, but I know she’s never said those words to another guy. If she knew just how damn strong and powerful that made me feel, she’d probably laugh.
