by Anna Brooks
I don’t need another shower; I have to get some space to think. Once I emerge from the bathroom, with no more answers than when I entered, I find her staring out the window. I startle her by wrapping my arms around her and resting my head on her shoulder.
“Why?” I stifle out.
“Why, what? I don’t understand why you’re mad at me. Did I do something wrong last night?” She sniffles, and her body tightens.
“No, sweetheart. Last night was perfect. It was the absolute best thing I’ve ever felt in my life,” I tell her honestly.
“I don’t understand. You never call me Charlotte.”
“You lied to me. This whole time, you’ve been fucking lying.” I say it quietly, but the anger in my voice is palpable.
She doesn’t answer but hangs her head as her shoulders start to shake. Her tears fall on my arm, and I have to walk away from her. I can’t stand to see her like this. I grab my keys and stop at the door. It’s my place, but I need to get away from her, and I don’t want to kick her out and have her driving this upset. She needs time to calm down.
“Look at me.” I’m almost afraid to see her face now. I know my resolve will break down the longer I prolong this, but I have one more thing to say to her. She slowly turns and wipes her tears.
“I feel something for you. Something fucking huge. But you’re seventeen, Charlotte. It’s so wrong. God, it’s wrong.” I shut my eyes and tilt my head up, willing the right words to come out. I gotta get it over with and leave. Make it quick, like ripping off a Band-Aid. “I have to walk away. As much as I don’t want to, I have to let you go. I only wanted honesty, and you lied. I can’t be with a liar, not again.”
Since my eyes are still closed, I don’t see her move, but her body crushes against mine, and I instinctively reach down to wrap my arms around her. She climbs me like a tree and sobs in my arms. I have to talk myself down from crying right along with her. She’s fucking tearing me apart right now.
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to. But if you knew…”
“You’re right, if I knew last night would have never happened. Christ, Charlotte, if anyone finds out I could get arrested.”
“No. Nobody will find out,” she insists.
“Pierce already knows.”
“I’ll talk to him. Please don’t leave. I only have two more weeks then I have to go back to Texas anyway. Please stay with me.” She squeezes me harder, and I have to pry her away from me. Once her feet are back on the floor, I take a step closer to the door.
“No. I can’t.” Then I do the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life and walk out of the door.
Charlotte
It’s been three months since he walked away from me. I try to pretend that it was for the best. I punish myself for being a liar; it’s my fault he hates me. Ideserve to be sad. I’ve decided the only way for me to get by is indifference. I fake a smile when needed, I engage in conversation, but I’m dying inside. I fell in love and lost him. I’m not sure what’s worse — loving and losing, or knowing that he’s ruined me from ever finding happiness. Nobody will ever compare to him.
It’s also been three days since my dad died from a heart attack.
I’m sitting at his burial site — alone, cold, empty. The funeral ended, and everyone but me left hours ago. My mom didn’t make it out of the house. She hasn’t gotten out of bed in three days. I picked out his casket, I found a plot, and I said goodbye. I haven’t even had time to cry. The realization hasn’t hit me yet, and I’ve been too busy to allow myself to feel anything. My family came to town yesterday, and even though they’re trying to help, there’s only one person I want right now. And since I drove him away, I’ll suffer in silence.
Leaves rustle behind me, and my skin prickles. I smell him before I feel the warmth of his body surrounding me. His legs cage me in, and his arms wrap around my shivering frame. My head falls forward, unable to stay upright with the heavy emotions weighing it down. He holds me tighter, but I fall apart. Everything I’ve been holding in rushes out. Earth shattering sobs overtake my body, and even though one of them is holding me, I cry for losing the only two men I’ll ever love.
This is the final goodbye. So, I’m going to hang on as long as I can. I turn around and wrap myself around him, bruising his skin with my grip. He rocks me gently, strokes my hair, and tells me everything will be okay.
The blue sky begins to turn grey, and I finally lift my head to see him. He’s so handsome, but his eyes don’t look the same. They’re not bright and promising as I remember, but rather blank and dismal. My lips part to speak but words die on my tongue.
He tucks a loose strand of hair behind my ear and tilts his head. “Let’s get you home.” I nod and remain lifeless when he picks me up and sets me in the passenger seat of a rental car.
He pulls into my driveway, and I watch out of the corner of my eye as his hands tighten on the steering wheel. I can’t look at him because I don’t want to see pity or regret. His knuckles turn white before he shuts the car off and comes around to my side. When he opens the door, I robotically get out and walk to the back door. It’s not locked, so I turn the knob and walk in, Travis on my heels.
In my room, I take off my jacket and boots. I’m too exhausted to even care that Travis is watching me, so I pull my black dress over my head and throw it on the floor. I crawl in bed and close my eyes.
A few minutes later, the weight of the mattress shifts, and his warm arms surround me again.
He kisses my temple and his lips tickle my ear when he speaks. “I didn’t want it to be like this. I wanted to come see you but not like this. I’m so sorry about your dad, sweetheart.”
I nod in acknowledgement.
“I can’t stay, but I want you to know I’m here.” He places his hand over my heart, and I swallow the lump in my throat from his words. “I’ll always be here. I was an ass the last time I saw you.”
I shake my head and try to sit up. He wasn’t an ass. He was mad, and I don’t blame him.
“Shhh.” He holds me and lays my head back down. “I didn’t mean what I said. I do want to be with you, but we have to wait. You’re going through a lot right now, and I don’t want to put any pressure on you.”
I stiffen. Is he saying he wants to be with me, even after I lied?
“What?”
“You let me know when you’re ready, sweetheart. I’ll be waiting.”
* * *
When I wake up in the morning, there’s no sign of him ever being here. I can faintly smell him on my sheets, but if I didn’t know better, I would think I imagined Travis holding me until I fell asleep.
The doorbell rings, so I grab my robe and shuffle downstairs. I open the door, and my cousin, Declan, is standing on the porch. He has a box of donuts and chocolate milk. He holds them up and gives a shake. I try to smile but fail miserably. I join him on the step and silently take a bite of the offered pastry.
“How are you holding up?” he asks, concerned. Declan does not show emotion. If you look up strong, silent type in the dictionary, his face would be plastered next to it. His job is to save lives, he can’t let emotion get in the way, and that carries over to his personal life.
“I’m okay,” I lie.
“Pierce wanted me to ask if your friend helped last night.”
I snap my head up. “What?”
“He said he called a friend of yours, and they would be able to help you. I know you wanted to be alone after the funeral, but you know we’re all here for you, right?”
I smile, probably the first real smile in three months. “Pierce sent him.”
Declan’s back stiffens. “Him?”
“Oh, stop.” I can’t believe Pierce called Travis. “Yes. Tell him it helped a lot.”
“Love you, kid, but I’ve gotta go. I have a flight to catch; my leave is up in the morning.” He hugs me, and I stand with him. “Do you need anything before I go?”
“No. I’m okay.”
“You sure?” he asks, squinting his
eyes, trying to catch me lying.
“Yes, I’m sure.” I give him a little push. “Now go, before you miss your flight.”
He leans down and engulfs me in his massive build. “I’m so sorry, Char.”
I nod against him. “Me, too. He’d be happy you came.”
He kisses the top of my head, and I wave as he drives away.
I’m washing dishes in the kitchen when my mom screams. I run upstairs and find her holding a wedding picture. Tears are pouring out of her eyes, and her words are unintelligible. She throws the frame across the room, and I jump when it shatters.
“Mom.” I try to keep my voice calm but loud enough where she’ll hear me.
“No! No, no, no!”
She grabs random items off her dresser and throws them across the room. Perfume stains the walls, and beads scatter across the floor from jewelry that is now destroyed. I come up behind her and try to grab her, but she pushes me off and I fall. My head hits the wall, instantly swelling from the impact.
I sit defeated, with my head in my hands, unable to watch my mom fall apart. I shut my mind off and wait for her to finish. Her screaming eventually stops and the destruction ends. I stand and walk around, avoiding the glass shards. A tornado was in here. The curtains are even torn from the wall, and the wooden footboard is cracked.
She’s curled in a ball, sleeping, holding my dad’s favorite sweatshirt. I cover her with a blanket, and get a broom and garbage bag from downstairs. When the last of the glass is picked up, I tidy the rest of the room and shut the light off, not yet aware that incident will be one of the smaller breakdowns I’ll have to deal with.
Chapter 7
Travis
THE WOMAN NEXT TO me screams and grabs my arm when the airplane bounces. After leaving Char in the middle of the night last night, I caught the redeye.
“I’m so sorry,” she says, smoothing my wrinkled shirt.
“It’s fine.” I resume my attempt to ignore her and look out the window, but she doesn’t take a hint.
“I hate flying. I always get so nervous, but this new job makes me fly all the time. I guess I have to get used to it, don’t I?” Her laugh is fake, almost as annoying as her voice.
I grunt my response and force myself to swallow the bile rising in my throat. Charlotte Kelly is a tough girl. She’s funny, she’s brave, fucking beautiful, and she’s strong. The Char I found last night was broken. Still beautiful, but her light had faded. It makes me sick that I can’t be there for her right now.
I went to support her, to show her I still care. I could have stayed with her forever, but I have to get back. I start training in two days. Deciding to really start living my life and be the kind of man she’ll want to come back to, I’m finally going to be a firefighter.
I got on a plane as soon as Pierce called me, but that flight was delayed. I was surprised he wanted me to see her again, but he said she was in a bad way. He and I haven’t really been on speaking terms, and I avoid going to the gym when he’s there. When I landed in Texas, I couldn’t get to her fast enough. Now I’m on my way back to Wisconsin, not even twenty-four hours later.
“So, what’s in Milwaukee?” the woman asks, tearing me from my thoughts.
“Nothing, there’s nothing for me anywhere but where I just left. And I can't fucking have her yet.”
“Oh,” she says, confused. Then, looking at the expression on my face, which must be pretty scary, she flags down the flight attendant. “Can I have another drink? And get him one, too.”
* * *
Two and a half years ago.
“You’re still gonna give me shit? It’s been over a year.” Johnny wheezes as I hold him against the wall.
“You think that matters. I’ve been a little busy, but I told her I’d take care of you.” I grunt, his weight starting to make my arms shake. I pull back and let him fall. We’re in the locker room at the gym, and I finally got his ass alone.
“Jesus, man. Chill the fuck out. I didn't even do anything.” He crawls backward, and I laugh when his head slams into a locker.
“You touched her,” I state. It’s not a question because I know she’d never lie. Well, aside from her age, but I’m over that now. I can’t blame her, because she’s fucking it for me, and if she even feels a little bit of what I do, her fib was justifiable.
“No. No, I didn’t.” He stands and shakes his head, then wipes the blood dripping from his nose.
“No?” I mock. “So you’re telling me she lied to me?”
“No. Shit, I just grabbed her ass, alright. I didn't know she was yours, man.” His voice is shaky, and he backs up even farther as I advance on him. I’ve gotten bigger. I’ve dedicated the past almost eighteen months to training. I’ve gone to EMT school, paramedic school, and too many firefighter trainings to count. I’m finally doing it. Thanks to her. She showed me it’s okay to really live my life without holding onto the regret.
“Even if she wasn’t, do you think you have the right to go around and grab at girls’ asses? Does that make you feel like more of a man?” I’m toe to toe with him now and smile when he flinches.
“What the fuck is going on, Travis?” Pierce slams the locker room door and steps between us, pushing me back.
“He’s fucking crazy,” Johnny says, pointing a shaky finger at me.
“You hit him again, Travis?” Pierce asks, eyeing the blood.
“Yeah. He deserved it, though.”
“Why?”
“Johnny, why don’t you tell him?” I tilt my head at Pierce, and take a seat on the bench, waiting for the show to start.
“Dude,” he says to Pierce, “I hit on this chick at that barbeque almost two fucking years ago, and he won’t let it go.”
“Really, Travis?” Pierce looks at me, so I decide to give him a few more details.
“Well, when I asked her about him, she said he held onto her a little too long when she accidentally bumped into him.” I rub my chin in contemplation. “Oh, yeah, she also said he grabbed her ass.”
“Okay, so?” Pierce looks at Johnny, then back at me. When his eyes narrow, I know he figured it out. “Who was this girl?” he asks Johnny.
“I don't fucking know. Some blond chick with hot ass cowboy boots on.”
“Hey, Johnny, tell Pierce what you told me when you saw her boots.” I smirk and stand to prepare myself. I know I’ll have to get Pierce off him.
“Dude, all I said was ‘did you hit that yet?’”
“Nah, that’s not all. But was that before or after you grabbed her ass?” I shake my head and tap the lockers as I get closer. “I’ll spare you the details, but I’m sure you can put two and two together, Pierce. He saw your cousin in a pair of cowboy boots.”
Johnny sucks in a breath, and I faintly hear him say ‘fuck’ before Pierce is on him. I let Pierce get in a few hits before I pull him off.
“Fuck, man, stop swinging,” I yell when Pierce elbows me in the face, and blood trickles down my cheek.
“You motherfucker.” Pierce shakes me off and pulls Johnny up by his shirt. “Get the fuck out of my gym and don’t ever come back. I better not see you at The Pub either… piece of shit.”
“I didn’t know she was related to you. Fuck, man, I think you broke my nose.” He limps out of the locker room, and I grab a paper towel for the cut under my eye.
“I’d apologize for that, but you deserved it for not telling me about Johnny,” Pierce says, splashing water on his face. “So that’s why you were on him that day, huh?”
“Yeah. He said some shit I didn’t like.” I cringe when I press the towel to my face.
“Let’s get you some ice.”
I follow him to his office and sit in the chair while he cracks an ice pack open and hands it to me.
“You really care about her, don’t you?”
“Yeah, man. I already told you that.”
“Well, she’s almost nineteen now.” He pats my shoulder and walks out.
* * *
&nb
sp; A week later, and I’m in the same window seat I was a year and a half ago. This time, there’s no crazy woman next to me to annoy the shit out of me. My legs won’t stop bouncing, and I chew my thumbnail out of nervousness. In one week, I start my first official shift as a firefighter, and I have to see her before that. I want to show her that I finally did it, and it’s all thanks to her. Most importantly, I need to convince her to come back with me.
We should be together; we’re better that way.
When I had a free minute, I tried to call her a couple times over the last year and a half, but her number had been disconnected. All of her social media pages disappeared, and she never responded to the dozens of emails I sent her. Pierce and I still talk and hang out all the time, but we pretend what happened that summer, didn’t happen. So, I avoided asking him about her.
I pull down my carry-on, and wait impatiently for the elderly couple in front of me to get out of their seats. When I can pass them without looking like an ass, I do. I get in the rental car and pull up her address on my GPS.
Streetlights are on, and fireflies swarm like crazy. I park across the street and get out of the car. A cricket chirps and I laugh, reminding me of how much I fucking love this girl and all of her quirks. My eyes follow a shiny red sports car down the street. It pulls into her driveway, and I take a step back.
When a tall, older man exits, I have to hold onto the car for support. It must be her mom’s new boyfriend… it has to be. He clicks the locks and walks to the front door. Something in my gut tells me this is going to be bad. I’m not a very religious man, but I pray to God that he’s not here for her.
She opens the door, and though still beautiful, she’s lost weight. She smiles at him, but I know her, and that’s not the kind of smile I get. Her face lights up when she smiles at me. He leans down and kisses her. I stand immobile, watching as my worst nightmare comes to life. He slams her tiny body against the door so hard, the sound echoes across the street. I push off the car to rip his head off, when she wraps her arms and legs around him.
Frozen in the middle of the street, I can do nothing but watch as she claws at his back and he thrusts his hips into her. Burning alive would be less painful than this. He eventually carries her inside, and I get in the car, slam it into gear, and take off, squealing the tires. When I look in the rearview mirror, she’s standing on the porch with her arms crossed, looking in my direction.
