by Anna Brooks
I carry her to the sink to clean her up, cognizant that she doesn’t want me. I set her tiny frame on the counter, not able to look at her face. Her cuts are all superficial, and I don’t see any glass stuck. When I finish cleaning her wounds and wrapping her hands, I leave, unable to stay where I’m not wanted. The only place I want to be.
I head straight for the gym and run twelve miles on the treadmill. When I can barely feel my legs anymore, I head to the bags. It does nothing but succeed in tiring out my body. My mind is still in overdrive. I can’t figure her out. I thought everything would be fine. I mean, shit, how can you feel so strongly for someone and have those feelings disappear? I thought she still felt the same way. Hell, she probably never did. Fuck!
As I’m walking back to my car, I run into Pierce.
“Dude, what the fuck?”
“Not now, Pierce.”
The gym door crashes as I shove it open. Slamming my car into drive, I peel out and use all the horsepower in my Camaro.
Once home, I crack a beer and slam it before I even get to the shower. I have the occasional beer or two at home or at the pub sometimes, nothing more. Technically I shouldn’t, but I have control of it now.
I stand under the spray and take a huge breath when I realize I’m done with Char. I can’t keep being the one to pursue her. She didn’t tell me she was back for a reason. I’ve been pushing too hard too fast for this delusional happily ever after we’re supposed to get. The one that’s apparently not happening.
Without bothering to dry off, I throw on a pair of track pants and grab a few more beers, hoping they make me numb like the whiskey used to. By the time I’m on my fifth one, I hear the door knob turn and kick myself in the ass for giving Pierce a key.
“What the hell is your problem? I’ve been trying to call.” Not one for small talk, he gets right to the point.
“Obviously I didn’t want to talk to you.”
“Dude, what’s up?”
“Nothing.” I finish another beer and crush the can, then open another.“Yeah, okay.” He plops down and opens a beer, then spits it out all over my coffee table. “This tastes like piss.”
“It’s been sitting there for a few hours, dumbass.”
He grabs a couple of cold ones from the fridge and throws one at me as he sits down on the coffee table in front of me.
“Your fucking cousin is a real bitch.”
“Not cool, man,” he says poking me in the chest, always the defender.
“She is.” I grab his hand and twist it off. “But I fucking love her.” Dropping his hand, I pick up my beer and throw it across the room. “Fuck!” I grab another unopened beer and do the same thing. It breaks open and foam squirts everywhere. When I reach for a third, Pierce grabs my arm.
“Enough!”
“Fuck you.” I punch him in the ribs and hold my arms out. “Hit me. Please, for the love of God, fucking hit me!” I want to feel something else right now.
“I’m not hitting you, asshole. You need to get your shit together. I came to help you, but if you’re gonna act like a dick, you can go fuck yourself.” He pushes past me, obviously being the bigger man, and slams the door on his way out.
Jesus, I’m a bastard. This girl has me fucking twisted. I’m serious, though, I’m done. If she wants more, wants me, she has to be the one to make a move. I’m still here. In the same place she left me four years ago.
Charlotte
“What’s going on?” Dr. Reynolds asks, wrinkles in her forehead. I skipped my last two sessions and was late today. After the incident with Travis, I locked myself in my apartment for two weeks. I’ve barely eaten, and know I look a wreck.
“I messed up.”
“Okay. Care to elaborate?”
“See, there’s this guy. I met him when I was seventeen; he’s a few years older than me.” I twist my hair in my fingers, trying to work out some of the nerves. “Anyway, the last summer before my dad died, we were visiting, and that’s when I met him. To make a long story short, I lied to him about my age and ended up sleeping with him. He took my virginity thinking I was older.” I never told her about him before this point. I know her job is to be objective, but I don’t want her judging me any more than she already is.
I stand to get a better view of the city out of the big picture window. “I’m not a romantic. I don’t believe in fairy tales. But this guy… we’re supposed to be together.” I angle my neck to watch a bird fly away. “The thought, the hope, that we still had a future together, is what got me through everything. Todd was a distraction that I let go too far.” She starts to talk, but I cut her off. “Let me get this out, please.”
“Of course, continue.”
“I won’t bore you with the details, but we kind of got back together. Not sexually. I’m not ready for that.” Sighing, I wring my fingers together. I want to be ready, but I’m too scared.
“Every time I’m with him it’s like I have split personality disorder. One minute he makes me happy, the next I’m scared shitless. I said some really hurtful things a couple weeks ago after I had a breakdown, and he hasn’t called me since.”
“What made you have a breakdown?”
“He joked about me lying about my age. The guilt made me sick, and when I was puking in the toilet, it reminded me of Todd.” I turn and look into her eyes, begging for an answer. “Is everything going to remind me of that asshole?”
“No, it’s not. You may have triggers, but you're a very strong woman, Charlotte. Now, you said when you’re with him, you’re scared sometimes. What about him scares you? Are you afraid your relationship will end up similar to the one you had with Todd?”
“No. God, no. Nothing like that. He’d never hurt me. I’m so afraid to lose him. I’m afraid that once he finds out the ugly reality that is my past, he’ll want nothing to do with me anymore.”
“How will you know if you never give him a chance?”
Dr. Reynolds doesn’t justify my behavior. She gives it to me straight, which is one of the reasons I like her so much. She’s right; I need to tell Travis. If I want to have any type of relationship with him, I need to be honest.
* * *
It’s been almost four weeks since my incident with Travis. I’ve been doubling my therapy sessions and made a lot of peace with my past. I know I’ll never be over it, but I woke up three days ago with a sense of clarity that I haven’t felt for at least four years.
Dr. Reynolds said I had my ‘firework moment’, sparks lit, then faded away into nothing but memories. That’s what Todd is — a memory. I’m done with letting him ruin my life. It’s time to move on. The first thing I need to do is make things right with Travis. He hasn’t called, and the thought of him giving up on us tears me apart. I need to talk to him in person. He has to know everything.
I ran into Pierce earlier today at the gym, and he told me it’s Travis’ weekend off, so I know I should be able to catch him at his apartment. After working out for a bit, I head home and take an exceptionally long bubble bath. I order Chinese for myself and eat while putting my clothes on. I dress simple; a pair of black leggings and a sheer grey top with a black cami underneath. My hair is down, and I put some loose flowing waves in it with the curling iron. I drive to his place nervously tapping my leg.
I can picture this going really good, or really bad, and both scare me. If it goes bad, he won’t want me to be in his life at all, and I’ll lose him. My stomach forms knots at the thought. If it goes really good, that will mean he’ll want to give our relationship a chance. But that also means I have to be honest with him and tell him everything.
I take a deep breath and walk to the metal door outside his building. Pushing the buzzer, I wait for a reply, but get nothing. What did I expect? It’s nine on a Friday night, I’m sure he’s out on a date. I decide to go over to where Meara’s bartending to pass the time.
My Aunt Sally and Uncle Rick own The Pub. It’s been in my family for three generations, originally built by my grea
t-grandfather on my dad’s side. It hurt my dad to walk away from it, but teaching was always his passion. He still owned part of the pub and was involved in major decisions, just not the day-to-day stuff. When my parents died, their ownership transferred to me. I try to save most of the money I get from it, but since I’m not working right now, it’s what pays the bills.
“Hey, you look much better today!” Pierce picks me up and gives me a huge hug. He’s one of the bouncers tonight. The whole family pitches in as much as they can. I used to bus tables and clean when I was younger. When I came back, until I was seventeen, I’d waitress during the day.
“Yeah, I feel better.” And I am. I feel like my old self again. He’s wearing sunglasses and an earpiece. “You going for the whole Men in Black theme or something?”
“Nah, we’ve had some rowdy crowds lately. Summer vacation is almost over, and these fucking college kids don't know how to have a good time without acting like a bunch of adolescents.”
“So you need sunglasses in the dark for that?” I tease, tapping his lenses.
“Don’t you have somewhere else to be?”
“Love you!” I yell, pushing through the heavy wooden door. I take in my surroundings and smile. I love this place. There’s a huge wooden bar running down the center. The high tables that surround it are all full. Almost every bar stool is occupied as well. Old wood and heavy metal make up the furniture that I remember my dad and uncle polishing over the years.
A group of guys holler, and my attention is drawn upstairs. Pool and ping-pong tables, dartboards, and vintage arcade games take up the top level. My cousins and I used to have a ball when we were younger playing upstairs before working hours.
“Holy shit! She exists!” Meara shouts over the crowd, and I laugh, flipping her off along the way to the bar. She’s been supportive of me and given me the space I need while I come to terms with what happened with Todd.
“Yeah, I decided to start living again.”
She gives me a small smile, and her eyes get moist. Never one to cry, she shakes her head and covers her emotions with a smart-ass comment. “’Bout damn time! I was starting to think you had a secret collection of cats or something.”
“Shut up and give me a beer.”
She expertly pours from the tap and hands me the ice-cold beer. I have idle chitchat with her until it starts to get busier. She becomes swamped, and sends me a pleading look to come help her. I shake my head and mouth the word ‘no’ across the bar. She sticks out her bottom lip and bats her eyelashes.
“Fine!” I lift the latched piece of wood and grab an apron. “I’m probably going to fuck up, you know that, right? It’s been years, Meara, and I was only ever a waitress.”
“It’s okay. You’re family. You can’t fuck up!”
“So, what the hell does that make me, then?” the other bartender, Nik, jokes.
“You’re practically family. You can’t fuck up, either.” Nik is best friends with my oldest cousin, Declan, who’s currently stationed in Alaska. Declan is eleven years older than me. He’s even more protective of his family than Pierce, and I miss the hell out of him.
The night goes on, and before I know it, it’s almost midnight. I’ve only dropped one bottle and messed up seven drinks. I’m pretty damn proud of myself!
An annoying giggle catches my attention, and I look over my shoulder to see Travis walk in with a nasty slut hanging on his arm. Big blond hair and a black miniskirt. She’s actually wearing a leopard print tube top and heels. Like I said, slut. My blood boils the same time my heart drops. She tugs on his arm, and the sway in his step tells me he’s wasted.
I frown but can’t take my eyes off him as they walk toward the bar. He practically falls into a stool, and she hops on his lap. His eyes slowly rise, and when they meet mine, there’s nothing but anger. When the slut grabs his face to kiss him, his eyes don’t leave mine as she slides her tongue across his mouth. As slowly as his eyes rose, mine close with the realization that I’ve lost him.
“That asshole. Britney is such a whore,” Meara grits out.
“No, Meara, it’s fine. I deserve it. I can’t stand here and watch this, though.” I hand her my apron and walk out. As soon as I round the corner outside, my arm is yanked back.
“Wait.”
“No. Let me go, Travis.”
His grip loosens, but he doesn’t let go. My back is to his chest, and I feel the heat from his body inches from mine. How desperately I want to fall back into him.
“That’s not what it looked like,” he says desperately.
“You don’t need to explain anything to me. We’re not anything.” His grip tightens, and I wince. “Let me go, you’re hurting me.”
“Shit. Fuck.” He lets me go but spins me around so I’m facing him. His blue eyes are bloodshot and liquor is evident on his breath.
“You’re drinking,” I accuse.
“We’re not anything, huh?” He ignores my statement.
“I didn’t mean it like that. I meant that you don’t owe me an explanation. We’re not like, together or anything.”
Long seconds pass before he nods, and his eyes become blank. “Right.”
I stand tall, hoping against all hope I can remain strong. I did this. I shut him out. I said things I can’t take back. This is what I deserve. His eyes never leave mine, and I pray he can understand how sorry I am without words.
“Everything okay here?” Pierce’s voice pulls me from my telepathic apology, and I nod.
“Yeah, man. Everything’s fine.” He turns to look at Pierce, then back at me, and my stomach drops when I notice the look of pity he shoots my way. “I’m done here.”
I lean into the brick wall, and it holds my weight as I watch him walk away. Pierce puts a hand on my shoulder. “You okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.” I take a deep breath, trying to calm myself. When I’ve gained enough composure, I walk to my car. “I’m tired; it’s been a long night.” I’m almost to my car when he calls out to me.
“He loves you, Char.”
“Yeah, I know. But sometimes love really isn’t enough.”
Chapter 14
Travis
BRITNEY LEECHED ON TO me at the last bar I was at and won’t let go. This was a mistake. I’m so fixated on Char, I don’t even notice this nasty chick’s tongue by my mouth until it’s too late.
I need to explain, and Char brushes me off with her excuse of us not being anything. Fine, she’s right; we’re not officially anything. I guess I’ll need to change that. I’ve given her three and a half weeks. A month was my limit, but I don’t know if I can wait. Britney’s waiting for me when I come back inside and grabs my arm.
“Get off.”
“Awww, I’m not done with you.” Her voice is like nails on a chalkboard.
“I am. Don’t fucking touch me again.” I shrug her off and head to the bathroom. As soon as I’m in there, I lean over the counter and take a few deep breaths before splashing water on my face. Char didn’t even fucking try. She acted like I was nobody to her, that it didn’t matter if I was with someone else. I may be a selfish bastard, but I’m not going to make her be with me unless she wants to.
I open the bathroom door, and before it even closes, a small hand whips by and slaps me across the face.
“You’re such an idiot.”
“Christ, Meara. For such a little thing, you sure pack the heat.” I rub the side of my face and look down at the little five-foot-four rocker chick. I deserve more than a slap from her, though. I should have never led Britney on and brought her to The Pub; it was a dick move.
“Remember who my brothers are?” It’s a dumb question. Declan and Pierce taught both her and Charlotte how to defend themselves. “What the hell was that, anyway?” She motions to the bar where Britney already has her tongue down some other guy’s throat. Nasty.
“A mistake. I couldn’t fucking take waiting anymore, so I went to Smashed and did a couple of shots.” That, too, was a mistake
. I need to stay away from hard liquor.
She opens her mouth to argue, but I put my hand up. “I know. I fucked up. Nothing happened. But I didn’t think Char would be here. Pierce said he was bouncing tonight, so I figured he’d run interference with Britney and get her away from me, but he wasn’t at the door.”
“He’s helping Matt upstairs.”
“It doesn’t matter anyway.” I shake my head and tell her the rest. “She said I don’t owe her an explanation, that we’re not anything.”
“She came to your house before the bar tonight, Travis.” Her voice softens, and I know what she’s about to say is huge. “Said she finally feels like living. Wants to tell you everything.”
My eyes widen, and I swallow the bile rising in my throat. Without a word, I push past her and run to Charlotte’s place. It’s only about a mile, and I could use the walk to sober up a little more.
I sneak into her building when a young, drunk couple stumbles in before me. I run the four flights to get to her condo and stop with my fist mid-air. Questioning if this is the right thing to do, I don’t notice when she frantically whips her door open. She doesn’t see me either because her body slams into mine, knocking us both down. I wrap my arms around and pull her to my chest, hoping to take the brunt of the fall. When I land on my back, air pushes involuntarily out of my lungs.
Her wide eyes mimic mine, and I sit up with my arms still around her. She looks at me for a second before laughing. I chuckle along with her, and snake my arms around to grab her face. My hands feel rough against her soft skin, and her laughter fades away when I bring my forehead to rest on hers. Her eyes hold my stare as her hands grab my wrists. I’m glad I sobered up quick, because I wouldn’t want to forget any of this.
“Let’s play twenty questions?”
Her gasp is audible, eyes questioning.
“Here, in the hallway?”
“Is that your first question?”
