by Anna Brooks
“Yet, you can’t do the same to me?”
“What do you want me to say?” I run my fingers through my hair and lean against the wall. “I don’t want to leave you, you know that. But I want to do this with the guys. I just feel guilty.”
“About what?”
“Leaving you.”
“I hate to break it to you, but I’m not co-dependent.”
I chuckle and she walks over and grabs my hands. “I love you, Lee. I’ve loved every second we’ve had together and I cherish every memory I have, but this is something you need to do. I’m gonna miss you, but I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be here when you get back.”
My arms wrap around her and squeeze her tight. “God, I love you.” Just when I begin to doubt everything, she puts me back into place. She helps me realize things will be okay. She’s my fucking rock; with her, everything is always okay.
“Now, since we’re both up and don’t have that much time until I leave, how about we take a shower together and then I’ll make you breakfast?”
“Sounds good to me,” she mumbles against my chest.
I slap her ass and she punches me in my ribs then runs down the hall. As I watch her disappear around the corner, I rock back on my heels and realize how lucky I am to have her. I’d be a fool to fuck this up. So I vow to myself, at this moment, to do everything I can to get back to her so she can have the kind of life she always dreamed of in her treehouse.
Meara
“Are you crying? You big baby!” Jamie, Liam’s brother, taunts as he hugs me.
We’re all gathered around their van to say good-bye. Lee and I spent the rest of the morning melded together and now his family, my family, and the other band members’ families are either laughing or crying.
“I’m not crying. Shut up.” I pinch his arm, and he jumps back.
“Damn, woman.”
“Don’t piss me off right now, Jamie. I’ll beat your ass.” I raise my hands and egg him on, waving my fingers at him. “Say I’m crying again. Do it.”
He laughs and shakes his head, then puts his arms out. I squint at him before dropping my hands and hugging him. “I’m gonna miss you. Keep him in line for me, okay?”
“Lee, Meara said I’m in charge so you have to listen to me! Ow!”
He rubs his side from where I punched him. “You’re such an ass.”
“You still love me.”
“I know.”
“Love you too, kid.”
I step back and he pinches my cheek, but I swat his hand away.
“God, get out of here already, you annoying jerk.”
“Want me to kick his ass for you?” Liam comes up next to me and wraps an arm around my shoulders, pulling me to him.
“I already did.”
Jamie laughs and I stick my tongue out at him. He responds by flipping me off, then blowing me a kiss. I grab it out of the air and stick my hip to the side so he can see me smack it on my ass. He rolls his eyes and steps into the van while Liam pulls me away from the large group of people and toward my backyard. Since we live next door to each other and his drums were in his garage, everyone met here to load.
“You guys fight like kids.”
“You guys? You mean him, right? Not me. I’m mature and sophisticated.” I primp my hair and flick my wrist.
“Yes. I meant Jamie. Jamie’s immature. Not you.”
We’re both still laughing when he backs me against my tree and puts his forearms on either side of my head. “I love you and I’ll miss you so fucking much, Meara. I don’t want to say anything else right now. I just want you to know how much I love you.”
“You don’t have to say anything else.”
He points to a heart with our initials inside of it that he carved a long time ago. I smile at the gesture, no matter how cliché. “If there’s ever any doubt, any wonder, any question at all, just remember right now. This,”—he nods at the tree—“where we have so many memories, where we made plans for our future. Just … don’t ever forget.”
“I won’t.” I press up on my tiptoes to kiss him. A tear rolls out of my eye, and I pull back to wipe it away and laugh a little. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m being such a baby. It’s not like I don’t know if I’ll ever see you again or anything.”
“You’re not being a baby.”
“Yes, I am.” I laugh through the tears.
A loud whistle interrupts us, and he curses under his breath. “That’s my cue.”
I swallow and take a deep breath in through my nose, then bury my face in his chest. His arms cradle me as he gently rocks us back and forth. Amidst all the chaos and sadness and fears right now, he still makes me feel safe like this. This is what I’ll miss the most, being held, being loved in a way that melts my heart.
It’s kind of hard sometimes being the outgoing one, having to joke all the time and make people laugh. And the fact that I’m a bit of a tomboy doesn’t help either; people just treat me differently. Not bad, but less like a woman and more like one of the guys, which is fine, I guess. But not Liam; he acts like I’m a real-life princess and makes me feel like a beautiful woman.
He lifts my head up with his fingers beneath my chin. “See you soon, okay? Not good-bye.”
“Okay.”
Chapter 3
Seven years later.
Meara
“HEY, BITCH!” I HIT Charlotte with a rag as she steps behind the bar.
“Hello there, cousin of mine. You do realize you may have to start addressing me properly, right? Caroline’s almost two. She’s going to understand everything that comes out of your mouth, and if she walks around calling everyone a bitch, I will hurt you.” She has a smile in her voice, and it makes me laugh.
“She’s not here, though. It’s only us adults.” I just counted the drawer, so I grab a pump of hand sanitizer and lean against the bar. “So that means I can swear all I want.”
“You shouldn’t swear,” the other bartender, Nik, says from behind me.
I turn around, and he squirts me in the face with the water hose. “Asshole!” I wipe some of the wetness off with my hands and rip the towel off the hook to dry them. “What the fuck, Nik?”
He shrugs and continues to rinse the glasses with a grin on his face.
“It’s just a word. Why are you so touchy?”
“Ignore him,” Char says wiping the counter. “I love you just the way you are. Piercings, tattoos, and potty mouth included—just not around my daughter.”
“Potty mouth. You really are a mom.”
She sticks her tongue out at me. “Shut up.”
The three of us continue to set up while music from the system pumps quietly through the bar. My parents still own Kelly’s Pub, but soon it’ll be mine, and right now I devote pretty much my every waking moment here. It’s always been somewhat unwritten that they would pass it down to me since I’m the only one interested in it. I’ve always felt right here for some reason.
My older brothers, Declan and Pierce, are both busy with their own careers. The pub was never really for them, but it’s still a family business, so they help whenever they can. My parents have really cut back the amount of work they’ve been doing lately in order to travel. There’s a misconception that when you work in a bar, you only work at night, but that is so far from the truth. There are hours upon hours of paperwork as well. So, aside from tending bar, I also take care of the inventory, bills, and payroll.
While Nik and Char finish getting the bar ready, I walk around and flip on all the neon beer signs. I strum my fingers across the sturdy wood and metal furniture, handmade by my dad and uncle. High top tables surround the Irish pub, and dartboards, a couple of pool tables, and old school arcade games fill the second floor.
It’s a nice June day out, and here, in Southeastern Wisconsin, we know to take advantage of the warmer temperatures. So I prop the front door open and laugh when Nik hisses as the sun shines on him.
“Are you melting or something?” I ask
, walking to the other side of the bar to turn the rest of the signs on.
He dramatically clutches his throat and falls to the ground. Char steps over him to put the lemon and lime slices away.
“You guys are cold. Ignoring a man when he’s down. I see how it is.” Nik grunts and pulls himself up then crosses his arms across his huge chest. “See if I help you next time you need it.”
He looks good right now; biceps rippling in his tight black t-shirt, a scowl on his sharp-angled face, and his black hair slicked back, accentuating the deep brown of his eyes. I’ve never once looked at him as attractive like that, though. I can see how other women could go for the whole muscle look, but I prefer my men tall and tatted. Which reminds me how much I miss Liam… my sexy man. Hazel eyes and covered in tattoos. His hair is darker at the roots and fades to a lighter brown on top, something that looks like what women pay for, but he’s just naturally gorgeous.
I glance at the picture I have next to the register of us when we were kids, riding a swing like spiders together, laughing without a care in the world. A sentimental tug on my heart gives me a slightly refreshing sliver of happiness. I have many of these moments; I look at pictures of us and remember what it used to be like and how much fun we used to have… I can’t wait to get back to that.
Customers start to come in, and before I know it, the place is packed. Being swamped is not only good for business, but it also keeps my mind busy. I have to stay busy. I need it right now; I’ve needed it for years. It’s been way too long since I’ve seen Liam, and as much as I want to, I refuse to be a baby about our relationship.
One of the hottest men on the planet, a fucking rockstar, and the kindest, gentlest man I know is mine. So I don’t get to see him as much as I’d like—big deal.
“Hey, baby. Can I get a Miller over here?”
I narrow my eyes at the guy across the bar because I hate when a guy I don’t know gives me a pet name. It’s so rude. But what catches my eye is his hat. It’s the same one Liam wears all the time, white with a green brim. For a millisecond, a thrill rushes through me, but it’s gone just as fast ‘cause when our eyes connect, they’re not the soft ones I love. Instead, these eyes are blue and the whites are tinted red.
I hesitate to walk toward him for some reason, and he waves some money in the air. “Hey, sweetie? Beer!”
Nik takes in the scene and steps in front of me to give the guy a beer. I mouth my thanks to him and continue serving on the other side of the bar. Normally, I wouldn’t let Nik do that because I always take care of my own shit. But I’m just not in the mood right now. Lately, I’ve been so freaking lonely. I miss Lee and it’s starting to affect me to the point where it’s noticeable. Normally, I pride myself on putting on a front of being happy; I trick people into believing I don’t miss Lee so much it physically hurts.
Liam Anders has been my best friend since before I was born. He’s loved me, protected me, and cherished me throughout my entire life. And I miss him. God, do I miss him. His laugh, his smile, and the way he looks at me as if I’m the only woman in the world. I miss everything about him. Mostly, I miss his arms around me. The security of him holding me at night. How my entire body burns with one touch, a look, a single word.
“Another round over here, please.”
I plaster on my fake smile and bring another pitcher of beer to the college kid leaning on the end of the bar tapping his knuckles. Then I fill another drink order, and another, until the place is devoid of customers over a dozen hours later. Charlotte went home already so it’s just me and Nik left.
“You can go,” I tell him.
He shakes his head, not even looking up from his phone. “Yeah, because I’m gonna leave you alone at three in the morning. It’s not as if today will suddenly be the day I don’t walk you up. Finish your shit so I can go home.”
He can’t see me, but I flip him off. Just because I’m a woman doesn’t mean I can’t take care of myself. I live above the bar; it’s not like there’s gonna be a monster hiding in my stairwell. But after arguing to no avail years ago, I gave up trying to fight with the guys. It’s not my problem they hang around and wait for me.
“All right.” I shut the lights off except for the one by the back entrance, and Nik and I walk out. I lock the back door, and still inside, turn in the hallway and go up the stairs to my place. He’s standing in the same spot when I get to the top. “I’m fine, Nik. Jesus, go home.”
“Not till you get inside.”
I laugh, and once safely inside, yell through the door, “I’m good now. It was a close call, but I’m glad you were here!”
“Bye, smartass!” His voice echoes in the empty hallway, and the outside door slams, effectively surrounding me in silence for the first time all day, but the buzz of the neon signs still reverberates in my ears.
After a quick shower to get the bar smell off me, I curl up on my bed, exhausted but wide awake at the same time. Sleep doesn’t come easily for me when I don’t hear from Liam. They had a show tonight in California, and even though it’s two hours earlier there, it’s unusual that I haven’t heard from him by now.
I want so badly to text him and make sure he’s all right, but he said he would call me when he had a chance. I promised from day one that I would not be overbearing. Rolling to my back, I stare at his picture on my ceiling. He ordered a poster-size print of him behind his drum set, sticking his tongue out. Sweat drips down his chest and his hair sticks to his forehead. He’s sexy normally, but in his element, he’s intoxicating.
“I know how much you like it when I do this,” he said, swirling his tongue along my wet folds then curling it inside me. I was floating even though his hands held me down. He fucked me with his mouth as I looked at his picture until I came. Wanting to drive the point home, he licked his way back up and ran that tongue across my lips so I could taste what he had done to me, what he always did to me. Once his face was directly above mine, he rested his forehead against mine. “I want you to think of me in this bed, princess. Imagine what I could be doing to you. What I want to do to you. What I’m thinking about doing to you when I jack off.”
“Ugh.” Too tired to reach over in my nightstand to squelch the ache that slowly builds just thinking about that night, I squeeze my eyes shut and try to count sheep. The vibration of my cell startles me, yet all worries fade away when Liam’s face lights up my screen.
“Hi,” I answer.
“Hey. I’m sorry it’s so late. Fuckin’ Gabe got into it with some dude whose girl was all over him. My cell battery died and I went to the bus to charge it, but the driver locked the key inside and we had to wait for a fuckin’ locksmith. It’s been a shit night.”
“Aww. I’m sorry.”
“Not your fault. Just hearing your voice makes it better.”
I roll over and tuck my knees to my chest. “You, too.”
“Bad night?”
“Not really. I just miss you.”
He’s silent on the other line and guilt instantly rises in my chest for making him feel bad. It’s not his fault. I want to be with him; this is something we’ve talked about a million times over. We’ve analyzed our situation more times than I can count. Before he agreed to even talk about touring with the band, he discussed it with me first and wanted to make sure I was okay with it.
It was a simple decision, though. There’s no way in hell I’d ever leave him, and I refuse to hold him back, so we do the best we can. It’s not always easy; most times, it’s hard, but he’s worth it. He’s so worth it. Even though he’s not here most of the time, he manages to send me reminders. Flowers, cards, balloons, and gifts to let me know he’s always thinking about me.
“Nik squirted me in the face with the hose today.” I quickly change the subject.
“Why?” He laughs.
“Because I was swearing and he doesn’t like for girls to swear for some reason.”
“I like your smart mouth.”
“I like you.”
“Like you too, princess.”
A few minutes pass with nothing but our breathing.
“Lee,” I whisper.
“Yeah?”
“I’m about to fall asleep.”
“Okay.”
“I should let you go.”
“No!” His quiet voice from a second ago is now panicked. “Stay on the phone with me. I want to hear you breathing. It’s been too long since I’ve held you and this is the next best thing. So please, just stay with me for a little while longer.”
“All right.”
“Sweet dreams, Meara.”
* * *
“Meara! You in there?”
I roll over in bed then glance at the clock across the room on my dresser. It’s almost noon. “Shit!” Throwing the covers off, I run to the door and open it.
Nik looks me up and down, concern etched all over his face. “You all right? I got everything all set to go, but you’re usually not late.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what happened to my alarm.” I rub my eyes and sigh deeply. “Shit. Yeah, I do. I was talking to Liam and fell asleep with my phone still on. The battery must have died.”
“Well, I gotta get back. But take your time.”
“I’ll be down in twenty.”
“Seriously, Meara, take your time. I got it.” He squeezes my shoulder before going downstairs.
I never oversleep. The long hours and working both the bar and admin are really taking a toll on me, even though I really do like being busy. I could probably hire another bartender. I should, actually.
True to my word, I arrive downstairs exactly twenty minutes later. The bar is still sparse for a Sunday just after noon since it’s not football season, so I tell Nik I’ll be in the office. Paperwork doesn’t complete itself, so I sit at my desk and start to work on ordering.
People call me outgoing, happy, friendly, a social butterfly, which is true on all counts. But there’s something surprisingly relaxing about the monotony of paperwork in a quiet office by myself, especially when I’m trying to make the time pass. Working the bar, people like to talk ... a lot. Don’t get me wrong; I love meeting new people and chatting with them, and I’ve done it for what feels like ever. Sometimes, though, I just want some peace and quiet.
