by Anna Brooks
“I guess we’ll just have to agree that we’re both failures and call it even.”
Her attempt at a joke makes me smile and I pull her to my side. She rests her head on my shoulder and wraps her arm around my stomach. Minutes, hell, an hour probably passes before she finally breaks the silence. “We’re going to be okay, right?”
“Yeah. We’re going to be okay.”
* * *
The next day, we asked everyone to meet at the pub and talked in the private room. We wanted to have everyone together to show them that we’re fine, and I needed to apologize for my transgressions. I shared my story. My truth. It was embarrassing for everyone to listen to me spew out all of my weakest and darkest moments. Not surprisingly, our families were supportive and reassuring, and in the end, I felt so much better.
Pierce apologized for not being a better friend. Even though I told him I didn’t deserve his apology, he still felt like he should have known. But when somebody wants to hide something, they get good at it, and unfortunately, I had subconsciously become that person. The addict who hides and lies because he knows it’s wrong. Bart was a tremendous stepping-stone for me, his own personal experience and wisdom helped me realize so much about myself. We’re doing weekly phone calls and monthly meet-ups to start right now, but when he told me he was only a phone call away if I ever needed him, I believed him one hundred percent. I hope it doesn’t ever get to that point, but it’s reassuring to know I have his support no matter what.
The past twenty-four hours have been a tumultuous and emotional roller coaster. After our confessions or admissions or whatever the hell you want to call them, everyone hung around the bar and drank while they tried not to look like they were uncomfortable around me. I had to announce that it was, in fact, okay to drink with me in the same room. Besides, I never needed anything when Meara was around, and with her glued to my side, the thought never entered anywhere near the realm of my brain that would have cared.
It’s the last night we’ll be spending in her apartment, and she asks if I’m still awake.
“Yup.”
“Remember how you were deciding if you were a horrible person or not?”
“Uh, yeah.” I laugh.
“What did you decide?”
“Well, I think that I’m definitely not perfect. I’ve made mistakes, and although it’s still early to actually prove it to you, I know I’ve learned from them. And I know I’m the luckiest man on the planet. I have a woman who will allow me to show her who I really am and who sticks with me through the ugliest parts.”
“So you won’t think I’m a horrible person if I tell you that I’m ready to move on with my life? To allow myself to feel happiness and joy again.”
“No, not at all. You’re wonderful, Meara. Smart, funny, strong, independent, and fuckin’ beautiful, and I’m the lucky fucker that you’ve decided to stick with. And I would never be with a horrible person.”
She giggles and the sound hits me in the heart and spreads through my veins. I roll on top of her and kiss her nose. “I do love you, ya know?”
“I know.”
* * *
“Thank you guys so much.” Meara hugs Pierce and Nik as they walk downstairs from taking the last load of boxes upstairs. “I promise I’ll pay you back whenever you need anything.”
“You don’t need to repay me. I’m your brother. But you”—Pierce points at me—“will be returning the favor when I move.”
“For sure, man,” I agree. “I appreciate it.”
“Gotta go, though. Let me know if you need any more help.”
Pierce takes off and Nik grabs his flannel. “See you at work.”
“Yeah,” Meara answers.
“I’ll walk you out,” I shout to Nik.
Meara gives me a ‘what the hell are you doing?’ face and I just smile at her. Nik and I get outside, and as soon as Pierce rolls away, he starts talking before I have a chance. “You don’t need to give me some lame ass apology.”
“I wasn’t planning on it. I was just gonna make sure we’re cool. Whatever you think you know about us, whatever misconceptions you have about me as a man—”
“Leaving her to deal with a miscarriage alone?”
I want to step closer and get in his face, but I raise my hands in the air. “I didn’t know, Nik. What the fuck do you think I would have done if I knew?”
“I get that you know you fucked up, but that doesn’t change the fact that I was there for her and you weren’t. But you’re back now, so I’m just supposed to step back and stop caring about her?”
“No. You’re one of her best friends,” I concede.
“Has she told you how many hours she’d been working? At least sixteen, like five or six days a week. She refused to tell her family, and I was the only one who noticed. I picked up as much slack as I could and hiring Lisa helped, but it wasn’t enough.”
“Enough for what?” I cross my arms and tilt my head. “I’m not with you.”
“Listen, I’ve been playing this fuckin’ role with her for years, but now you’re back so you can carry the weight.”
“What weight?”
“Making sure she’s okay!” He lowers his voice and looks past me to the house. “I’ve seen it all, Liam. Her checking her phone when she thought nobody was looking. I’ve walked in on her scrolling through your pictures online. Hell, I’ve even seen her fight back tears when one of your songs came on the radio. I always saw everything and tried my damnedest to make sure she was happy, despite the fake show she put on for everyone, even you.”
I slowly close and open my eyelids and allow what he’s saying to sink in. “I get it.” He’s been looking out for her when nobody else noticed. While she’s been putting up a front and playing everybody, he’s been filling my role as her protector. Looking out for her when it should have been me noticing these things and taking charge.
“She used to text me on my days off. We’d hang out after the bar closed. I used to make her laugh. When she had good news, she would call me. And over the past like six months, that shit hasn’t happened. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for you guys. You both deserve it … you’re perfect for each other, but fuck, man … I feel like I lost one of my best friends. And at first I was pissed because of what you did to make her so withdrawn. But now it’s because you guys are finally doing what you always dreamed of, and in that picture, I’m just her older brother’s best friend who happens to work at the bar.”
“You didn’t lose her. She just had some shit to deal with, my shit. But she’s Meara. She made it her problem and took the burden on herself without asking anyone for help. That’s just who she is. I’m grateful you were there for her and helped her even when she didn’t know she needed it.”
He looks down and straightens the pant leg that twisted. “You say you see how I look at her.” His jaw worries as he waits for my reply.
“I was just pissed. I didn’t mean anything by that.” I was just looking for a fight, for a way to take my anger out on someone, and he happened to be there.
“No, you’re right. ‘Cause I do love her. Nobody will ever take your place. I don’t want it … I couldn’t stand the swearing.” He laughs. “It’s just, I guess it’s a hard pill to swallow when you realize you’re not needed by someone anymore, even though they never knew they needed you in the first place.”
“Of course, she still does.”
He shakes his head and pulls open the car door. “The Kellys are the closest thing to family I have, and it might not make sense to you, but … man, I sound like a pussy. I’m leaving now, dude.” He laughs and shuts the door. Before he pulls away, the window rolls down and he sticks his head out. “If you tell her I said any of that shit, I’ll kick your ass.”
The spinning of gravel drowns out my laughter, and I sit on the porch, digesting that weird but oddly thought-provoking conversation. Sometimes it’s hard to realize what kind of impact you can have on somebody’s life without even knowing it. It
’s fucked up that I’ve known Nik pretty much forever, but I never really got to know him. He was always there, at every function the Kellys had because of his friendship with Declan. That in and of itself made me trust him … I still do. I never thought about the fact that he never talked about his family, or that whenever there was a holiday, he was the one working. And he’s hurt because Meara’s life is minimizing his role.
Things are going to be different. We’re going to move on from this last half of a year with the knowledge that we’re resilient. No matter what happens, we cannot be broken.
“Everything okay?” Meara inquires as she sits next to me.
“It is. Hey, what’s the deal with Nik?”
“What do you mean?”
“He just mentioned something about you guys being his only family.”
“Oh, that. Well, it’s kind of a complicated story. He’s really tight lipped about the whole thing, but when he actually does talk, it was pretty bad.”
“That’s too bad. It was a good thing he had you guys.”
She sighs and leans into me. “We were the lucky ones. He’s a really great guy.”
“Yeah.” A few moments pass and I pull my phone from my pocket to check the time. “Hey, I want to run to the hardware store and grab some nails so we can start hanging a few things.”
“Okay.” She stands and I follow her into the house to grab my keys. “I’ll just stay here and start unpacking some stuff. Do you wanna grab a pizza or something on your way home?”
“Sure.”
I give her a long kiss good-bye and head to the store. While I’m turning the corner at the beginning aisle, I almost run into a man who I haven’t seen in a while. Mr. Meyer, my old music teacher.
“Mr. Meyer. Holy crap, it’s good to see you.”
“Liam. Wow.”
We shake hands and I laugh, almost nervously. “It’s been so long.”
“It has. Almost three years, I think. Last time was at that charity auction. I’ve been following your career, though. I’m so proud of all your accomplishments. I’m sorry you made the choice to cut ties with the band, but I’m sure you had your reasons and it was for the best.”
“Thanks. You played a huge part in that success. I learned so much from you during my lessons. Are you still teaching?”
A solemn expression passes over his face, and he looks at the floor before answering. “Marcy had a stroke a few months back and she needs a little more help getting around than she used to before.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.”
“Yeah, well, that’s life. I’ve cut back on the number of students because I just don’t have the time. Unfortunately, I’m not able to afford the bills at the music center and my home, so I’m going to have to shut down shop and take the students at my house … which Marcy is thrilled about.” His familiar chuckle is a welcome sound.
“Wow, that’s horrible. Is there anything I can do to help?”
“Wanna buy the building and take over for me?” His question comes out as a joke, but I don’t laugh. I’ve been pretty much dreading the fact that I had no clue what I was going to do for a job. I have good savings, but it won’t last forever. Especially with what I paid to have the house built so quickly.
But teaching kids music and acting as a mentor to them like Mr. Meyer was to me. Being able to make my own schedule and own my own business. Fuck yeah, I wanna do that.
“Yes. I do.”
His laughter dies. “I was joking, Liam. I don’t need charity … the missus and I will be just fine. This is what life handed us, and we’ll get through it.”
“It’s not charity. Honest. I’ve been thinking about what I wanted to do and nothing seemed right. James was going to give me a job at his construction company, but I really don’t want it. It was really just a fallback. I would love to teach music.” Man, why didn’t I think of this before?
“You’re serious?” The slight tremble in his voice and tears that rest on the brim of his eyes make my throat tighten. This man has given and given his entire life. I’ve donated instruments throughout the years and the band and I have played a few songs for his students a couple of times, but for a man who has dedicated his life to spreading the joy of music … it’s the least I could do.
“On one condition.”
“What’s that?”
“You stay teaching at the center as long as you want to or are able. You and I both know Mrs. Meyer doesn’t want to listen to all that racket.”
“Deal.”
Chapter 24
Meara
A PING CHIMES ON my phone and I grab it expecting to see a text from Liam. Instead, it’s from Travis saying Charlotte is at the hospital having the baby. I drop my phone out of excitement and race to my car. Once I reach the door, I have to turn back and grab my purse and keys. My fingers fumble with the touchscreen on my phone as I text Liam that I’m going to the hospital.
The second I get to the waiting room, I’m surrounded by familiar faces—Travis and Brandon’s parents, Elizabeth and Steve, Brandon’s very pregnant wife, Mary, along with Pierce, who is holding a very squirmy little Caroline. “Hi!” I shout a little too loud.
“Hey.”
“Hi.”
“Good to see you again.”
A chorus of greetings hit my ears, and I ask if they’ve heard any news.
“It should be any minute now. We were all eating supper when her water broke,” Elizabeth responds.
“Wow!”
I sit next to Pierce, and he squeezes my hand. “You doing okay?”
“Of course, why wouldn’t I be?”
“No reason. Just a lot going on lately.”
Caroline climbs up in my lap and I tickle her.
“Yes. I’m fine. This is so exciting.” I refuse to take away any happiness for Travis and Char because of what I’ve gone through. It might sting a little bit, but I’m really okay. Besides, my family still doesn’t know … I’m not sure I’ll ever tell them. It’s personal and private, and I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready to discuss it with them.
The sliding doors swish open and Liam walks in with my parents. I squish Caroline’s cheeks while everyone says their hellos. Liam rubs the top of Caroline’s head and leans down to kiss my cheek. “Hey.”
“Hi. Can you believe it? She was supposed to be induced in three days ‘cause her stubborn baby refused to come join us, but I guess he had plans of his own, huh?”
“Yeah, it’s awesome.”
He sits next to me and releases a huge breath. I’m about to ask if he’s all right when Mary gasps.
“Holy shit,” Brandon yells. “Holy shit. Your water just broke!”
“Oh, my God. Oh, my God.”
“Nurse!” Brandon yells and runs away, leaving Mary to stand in the middle of the waiting room.
Elizabeth chuckles and all the adults help her into a chair while Pierce, Liam, and I just kind of watch in disbelief. Brandon runs back with a couple of nurses on his heels. In a blur of movement, they put Mary in a wheelchair and rush out of the room. A chorus of laughter breaks out when a janitor walks in with a bucket and mop to clean the mess and put up a wet floor sign.
“Did that just happen?” Pierce asks.
“I think so, son.” Dad wraps an arm around Mom and kisses the top of her head.
“We’re going to be grandparents twice on the same night.” Elizabeth leans against the wall, and for once in her life, she appears dazed. She’s normally so calm and collected; it’s almost worrisome, but considering both of her sons are about to be fathers—one for the first time—it’s understandable.
Chatter begins to fill the room and Caroline crawls down off my lap and toddles over to her grandpa, Steve. He scoops her up and kisses her chubby cheeks. “You’re gonna be a big sister and a cousin pretty soon, baby girl. Are you excited?”
She hits him in the face and giggles as Steve tickles her belly. I scan the room and find my dad watching the exchange in shock. His eyes catc
h mine, and he mouths ‘holy shit’ before laughing away and sitting down next to my mom. Liam grabs my hand and as soon as our skin touches, I notice his hand is shaking.
“Hey, you okay?”
“I think so,” he whispers.
“Talk to me.”
“Let’s walk.”
We stand and I announce to the room that we’re going to get something to drink, but nobody wants anything. I hope to play things cool and not hint that there might be something wrong, but the scrutiny of Pierce’s gaze tells me there’s suspicion.
As soon as we round the corner, Liam grabs my waist and pulls me flush with his chest. His arms wrap around me and he buries his face in my hair.
“Lee, what’s the matter?”
“Nothing, really. I mean …” He pulls back and rests his forehead against mine. “It’s hard to watch, I’ll admit, realizing how close we would be to that right now.”
“I know.”
“We’re really gonna be okay, right? You don’t think this is going to bring up … resentful feelings? I thought maybe you should talk to someone.”
I bite my lip and take a step back. “About that. I umm … I talked to Elizabeth.” It takes him a second to process, and when he remembers she’s a therapist, he shakes his head in amusement. “It wasn’t like formal or anything, but I was at the point that I knew I needed to talk to someone and have them be unbiased.” I shrug and run my fingers through my hair. “She helped me so much. In fact, she was the one who encouraged me to call you. She helped me see things from your perspective.”
“Why didn’t you tell me earlier?”
“I was embarrassed. I wanted to handle everything on my own. I didn’t want to burden Char with my shit when she was so happy. I felt guilty for keeping things from you. I needed validation for the decisions I made. The list goes on, Liam.”
“Hey, it’s nothing to be embarrassed about. I’m still talking to Bart. Even though he’s my sponsor, he acts more like a therapist. I get it.”
