by Anna Brooks
“Please? You said you would and—”
“I said not now!” I yell. “Jesus, Meara, leave me the fuck alone!”
Her sniffle hits me right in the gut, and I hang my head. Fuck, I’m a mess. I haven’t talked to Amie since yesterday. She’s ignored my calls, and her dad shut the door in my face when I went there this morning. I thought I was enough for her; I never thought she’d cheat on me. Might as well have taken a machete and sliced my heart right out.
“Declan.” My dad comes into the living room.
“I’ll go talk to her.” It’s not fair to her that I’m being such a dick. Meara didn’t do anything wrong.
I stand, but my dad gives me a shove. “I don’t care what the hell is going on in your life. If I ever hear you yelling at your sister like you just did again, you’ll be sorry.”
“Amie broke up with me.”
“What?” His face falls with disbelief, and that’s all it takes for me to lose it. A choking sob tears through my cracked chest, and my dad pulls me to him. I cry like a fucking baby, and my dad pats me on the back. “Son, I’m so sorry.”
“She said she fucking cheated on me.” I pull back and wipe my eyes with the sleeves of my hoodie then look out the window. “She kicked me out of her house and refuses to see me or even fucking talk to me!”
“Declan…”
“What the hell, Dad? I don’t know how to function without her.”
A long few minutes of silence pass until I can get myself together. My dad stands next to me and when my breath hitches again, he grabs me by the shoulders. “You take it one day at a time, son. You live your life one day at a time, and eventually, it’ll hurt less each day the sun rises.”
“I don’t know if I can.”
“You can. You’re smart, son and I’m so damn proud of you. I know this hurts, but it’ll pass, I promise. You loved her but if she’s going to betray you, she doesn’t deserve you.” He pats me on the side of the face and offers a weak smile.
I nod at him. “I need to talk to Meara.”
Dad squeezes my arm as I walk by, and when I get to Meara’s room, I open the door without knocking. She’s not in here, so I go to the only other place she’d be. When I climb up to the top of her treehouse, she’s under a blanket.
“Go away,” she cries.
I pick her up from the ball she’s in and toss the blanket to the floor. “I’m sorry, baby girl. I didn’t mean to yell at you.”
“Well, you did.”
“I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry. There’s just a lot going on right now, and I’m kind of scared.”
She whips her head up and blinks at me. “You get scared?”
“Yeah, I do.”
“What are you scared of now?”
Jesus, how do I answer that? How do I tell a little girl that the only woman I’ve ever loved, the one I planned to spend the rest of my life with, fucking ripped my heart out? How do I tell her that I’m too afraid to move on with my life because I don’t know how to do it alone?
“Well, I’m scared I’m not going to do well at my job. I’m scared that something will happen, and I won’t be here to help you. And I’m scared you’re going to grow up, and I’ll miss it.”
“But you’re the best swimmer I know. And Pierce is here, too. He’s a brown belt now. And I’m going to grow up, silly. But I’ll always be your baby girl.”
I ruffle the hair on the top of her head and squeeze her a little tighter. “I love you, my little princess.”
“Don’t call me that. I’m not a princess; I’m a queen.”
For the first time in months, I laugh. Maybe I can do this. One day at a time. Just live one day at a time.
Chapter 3
Present Day, seventeen years later.
Declan
I DRAG MY FEET to the front door of my apartment because somebody is pounding on it. Not only am I pissed the fuck off for the noise waking me up early, but I’m especially tired since I was up late last night on a rescue.
“I’m coming. Chill the fuck out,” I yell as I throw a t-shirt over my head.
I open the door, and before I even know what’s happening, a car seat is thrust into my abdomen. A whoosh leaves my lungs, and I instinctively reach out to prevent it from falling, at the same time grabbing a diaper bag.
“She’s three days old. I can’t do it… I thought I could be a mom, but I’m not ready yet.” Brandy, or is it Beth…? Shit, I think it’s Becky, starts to walk away, but I reach out with the hand that’s not holding the car seat and grab her jacket.
“What the fuck?”
She stops and turns to face me, tears streaking down her face. “Have a DNA test if you want, but she’s yours. I’m sorry, Declan.”
“You can’t do this!” I shout, and the baby starts to cry.
She looks at the car seat and shakes her head. “You’re right… I can’t.”
And with those words, she runs down the hallway and disappears down the stairs. I chase after her with the car seat hanging from my hand. “Wait. What’s her name? You can’t just leave!”
By the time I make it outside to the cold Alaska air, she’s already in her car and starting the engine. “What the fuck?” I holler at her as she peels out of the parking lot.
The baby continues to cry, and I bring her inside where it’s warm. I set the carrier down on my kitchen table and undo the clasps. The little pink hat on her head is crooked, so I take it off and soft strands of light brown hair pop out. Her itty-bitty hands flail in the air, and I carefully pick her up and cradle her in my arms.
“Shh… it’s okay, baby girl.”
I reach into the diaper bag and search around for something, a pacifier, maybe. My hand settles on a prepackaged bottle, and I take it out. Am I supposed to heat this shit up? I quickly read the label, and after giving it a shake, I put it to her tiny little mouth. She eagerly sucks on the tip and quiets down. I sit on a chair in the kitchen and stare at the tiny human being in my arms.
“What in the hell just happened?” Her pretty little eyes pop open, and she looks at me. Her light brown hair has tints of red, and her eyes are hazel just like mine. There’s no denying she’s my daughter, but I don’t think looks are enough. I’ll have to get solid proof somehow.
Well, I guess my life just changed.
I figure her mom will come back when she realizes what she’s giving up.
I’ve always wanted a baby—a family—but I only ever wanted it with Amie, the girl who would have been the perfect wife and the perfect mom to our babies. Instead, she crushed my soul into fucking dust.
“Hey, honey.”
“Hey.” Amie opens the door for me. She has a toddler on her hip and an older boy holding her hand.
“Hey, guys.”
“Hi,” the little guy says through the thumb in his mouth.
“I was just going to read them a story before bedtime. Wanna come with us?”
“Sure.”
I follow them up the stairs and sit on the floor while she sits with the two of them and reads. Her fingers absentmindedly run through the little girl’s hair and the boy cuddles to her side tight. She animatedly reads the book but keeps her voice calm and quiet since they’re sleepy.
She’s so good with them. Everyone in her neighborhood has her babysitting for them, on top of her job at the Y. I don’t see her nearly as much as I want to, but she’s independent and wants to make money… I can’t fault her for that.
When she’s done, she lays the boy in his bed and tucks him under the covers then kisses his forehead. I shut the light off and close his door then follow her to the little girl’s room.
“I need to rock her for a bit. You can go downstairs if you want.”
I lean against the wall and shake my head. “No, it’s okay. I like watching you with them. You’re gonna be a great mom to my babies one day.”
She has a natural grace with kids. They gravitate toward her, and she manages to amaze me more and more each time I
see her interact with them.
Once the baby falls asleep, I hold Amie’s hand downstairs, and we sit on the couch together watching TV. She cuddles into me, and I wrap my arms around her and resist the urge to touch her further. It’s difficult with the way she smells, so sweet and clean, but she’d never do what I really want with kids in the house.
“I’ve gotta go to the bathroom.” She kisses my chest before she gets up and heads to the back of the old Victorian house.
She comes back to the room in a rush.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” She opens the front closet door and grabs her purse, then digs around in it.
“Amie.”
She squares her shoulders and huffs out a breath. “I got my period and I don’t have any tampons.”
I can’t help it. I laugh. She crosses her arms at me, and I try to contain myself.
“It’s not funny. Let me see if she has any upstairs.” She runs like a bat outta hell and comes back a few minutes later empty handed.
“Can’t you just put some toilet paper in your underwear?” I kick my feet up on the coffee table. “I’m sure you’ll be fine until you get home.”
“No,” she hisses. “No, I can’t just shove some toilet paper in there! And I don’t have any at home either.”
“It’s not that big of a deal.”
“Yes, it is!” she whispers, and when she looks at me, she has tears in her eyes.
I stand and pull her into my arms. “Honey, don’t cry. Do you want me to go buy you some tampons?”
Her head tips up further to look at me. “Would you?”
“I’d do anything for you.”
She pushes me toward the door. “Go. Hurry. Speed. Bring me back some supers.”
I shake my head as I jog down the steps, realizing what I’m about to go do. But if it makes her happy, I’ll do it. Even going to buy tampons.
* * *
“Hey man, I’m in town. Can you meet me at Mom and Dad’s?” I ask my brother, Pierce, over the phone.
“What? Shit, you serious?” he replies, shocked since I didn’t tell anyone I was back.
“Yep. Just got in a little bit ago. Can you come?”
“Yeah, yeah. Okay. I’ll be there soon.”
“What time are you thinking?”
“I dunno, like a half-hour.”
“See ya.” I hang up and look in the crib to see Clover, my beautiful little baby. She’s four weeks old now, and it’s killed me to keep her from my family, but I needed to get all of my shit in order first, which included getting a DNA test because I had to be positive.
Eventually, I knew I’d end up back here in Wisconsin. I wasn’t planning on it being this early or for this reason, but here I am. Here we are. My little princess and me. I already bought a house, and we stayed there last night, but I’m ready to see my family again.
I’ve missed my family. Sure, I’d say I was too busy or that I couldn’t get off work, but deep down, I know it was a lie. The reasons I’ve stayed gone have nothing to do with work and everything to do with a girl… no, a woman. But I’ve finally removed the hold Amie has on me so I can focus completely on my daughter. I need to do what’s best for Clover, and what’s best for her is to be around her family.
“Ready to go meet your grandma and grandpa? You’ll get to see your aunt and uncle, too, baby girl. Your cousins will be there, and everyone is going to love you.” She kicks her feet, and I gently pick her up and kiss her cheek. “They will, and if they don’t, I’ll beat their asses, okay?” Her drool leaks onto my neck, and I switch sides so I can wipe it off with a burp rag.
I feed her and change her diaper before placing her in the car seat and driving to my parents’ house. Her little hands and feet bounce around as I take her out of the confines of the seat. Wrapping her in a pink blanket, I cradle her in my arms like the most precious cargo she is and take a deep breath before heading inside.
“You guys all here?” I shout from the front hallway.
“Declan, we’re in the living room,” my mom yells back.
I round the corner and am flooded with an assortment of greetings.
“Oh, my God,” Pierce says.
“Holy shit!” my sister, Meara, yells at the same time my cousin, Charlotte, hollers the same thing.
“Hey, everyone.” I lower my voice, since everyone else is so loud, and smile as I introduce my baby girl. “I’d like you to meet my daughter.” I turn her in my arms and a collective gasp echoes through the room. “Clover, meet your family.”
“Baby,” my little niece Caroline says, as she runs over to me.
I squat down, and Caroline touches Clover’s puffy pink cheeks with her chubby fingers. “This is Clover.”
“Hi Clover, I’m Caroline.”
“Declan?” Pierce says, his question evident.
My mom comes over and takes the baby as I stand. “She’s beautiful, Declan. She looks just like you. Of course, we’ll have to have a discussion later, but I can’t resist lovin’ on my new granddaughter.”
“Oh wow, she does look just like your baby pictures.” Meara runs her tattooed finger over Clover’s soft hair. “She’s gorgeous. Congratulations, Dec.”
“Congrats, man.” Liam, Meara’s husband, sticks out his hand, and I shake it.
“Thanks.”
“Declan.” Charlotte, Caroline’s mom, hugs me. She holds me for a second, and I sigh into the top of her head. We’ve always been really close, and I’m happy to see her again. Her husband, Travis, comes over and puts his arm around her shoulder when she steps back. “Happy for you,” he says.
“Thanks, man.”
Clover cries a bit, and I immediately take a step closer to her, but my mom waves me off. “I’ve done this before.”
My lips turn up in a smile, but I’m secretly relieved. Raising a newborn by yourself and moving thousands of miles is exhausting. “She might be hungry. Let me grab her bag from the car.”
“We’ll come with you,” Pierce says, grabbing the hand of a girl I assume is his girlfriend, Ruby, who I’ve yet to meet.
We get outside, and I pull the bag out of my car.
“Declan, this is Ruby. Ruby, my brother, Declan.”
“Nice to meet you.” I stick out my hand, and her small one wraps around it shyly.
“You, too.”
“You mind running this in to my mom?” Pierce pulls the diaper bag from me and hands it to Ruby.
“Sure.” He kisses the top of her head before she walks away, and as soon as she’s in the house, he turns to me and raises an eyebrow, waiting for answers.
“Some chick I banged. I didn’t even know she was pregnant. She showed up and shoved Clover at me when she was three days old.”
“Seriously?”
“Yeah, man. I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact that I’m a dad. And my baby girl’s mom doesn’t fuckin’ want her. I can’t even tell you the shit I’ve had to deal with between DNA testing and filing the mother’s termination of parental rights, getting a birth certificate for Clover, and with my fuckin’ job and buying a house.” I look away from him and run my hands through my hair.
“You got a house. Where?”
“Here.”
“What?”
“I’m home for good now, Pierce.”
“Damn, man. What about the Coast Guard?”
“I had a lot of leave saved up, and it worked out that my enlistment was ending. The day Clover got dropped off was two days before I was going to turn in my reenlistment papers. So obviously that didn’t happen.”
“Fuck.”
“She’s worth it, though.”
He nods in understanding and grabs my shoulder. “I’m here, Dec. Whatever you need.”
“I know.”
We head back inside, and for the rest of the night, my family passes Clover around and smothers her in love while I lie on the floor with Caroline and her little brother, Sean. I talk to Ruby and get to know her a lit
tle more, and I can tell Pierce is protective of her. It reminds me of how I used to be with Amie.
Nope. Not thinking about her. I’m not letting the memories get a hold of me again. I refuse to let that bitch ruin any more of my life. I pushed the thought away of the happy family we were supposed to have when I walked into my house, alone with my daughter, for the first time.
Chapter 4
Amie
MY FEET RUSH THROUGH the kitchen, and I grab the lasagna I made this morning out of the fridge and throw it in the oven before I even take my purse off my arm. I stayed late after school talking to another teacher, and I didn’t realize how much time had passed.
Larry will be home in a half-hour, and he expects dinner ready the moment he walks through the door. If someone had told me that I would become that woman, I would have laughed in their face. But when someone is so good at manipulation and they are so vindictive, you don’t even realize what has happened until it’s too late and there aren’t many options. And if I really want to blame someone, all I need to do is look in the mirror. I got myself into this mess, and I will get myself out of it.
I’m secretly saving money so I can get out on my own, but it’s difficult when he monitors everything so closely. I could go to my parents, but they’re old, and I don’t want to risk him hurting them. Just a little while longer, and I’ll be able to stand on my own two feet again.
He comes through the door ten minutes early and sits at the table without saying a word to me. I grab the lasagna out of the oven, cut him a piece, and then set the plate in front of him. As I’m getting a glass so I can fill it with milk, his chair screeches across the floor.
“It’s fucking cold, dumbass. You think I want cold food?”
I turn to tell him I’ll heat it up, but he grabs the plate and throws it at me. I lift my hands to protect my face, and the lasagna hits me a mere second before the plate shatters against my arm. A whimper passes through my lips, but I don’t dare show I’m hurt.
“I’m going to get some real food.” He slams the door on his way out, but I hear him yell from the garage, “Clean that shit up.”
And like the dumbass that I am, I clean it up. Then I run around the house, make sure everything else is clean, and take a shower.
