by Anna Brooks
The smell of cookies warms my nostrils. I make my way downstairs, and when Amie sees me, she smiles. “Hungry? I made a snack.”
I freeze on the last step, and it hits me just how much I wish I’d had this for the past seventeen years… Coming down the stairs to my woman baking for me, her happy face reassuring me after a shitty day, someone to talk to at night.
My mind clears, and I make my way to the island. “Starved.” I sit on a stool, and she slides over a plate with three chocolate chip cookies, along with a glass of milk. “Thanks.”
“No problem.”
The stool next to me squeaks when I pull it out. I point at it and look at Amie. “Sit.”
She complies, and she munches on a cookie while I scarf one down. Kind of awkward, but more nervous anticipation. When we’re done, I take the dishes and set them in the sink, leaving the rest of the mess on the counter. I don’t want to delay this conversation any longer. I’m damn exhausted, but I’ve been miserable for more than just Clover scaring the shit out of me the past couple of days.
I grab Amie’s hand—just touching her calms me, brings me a peace that I’ve lived without for far too long—and pull her over to the couch to sit down next to me. She wrings her fingers on her lap and takes a deep breath.
“Dr. Lawson was doing his rotation in the oncology unit when I was there.”
“What?”
“When you were in boot camp, I went to the doctor to have my yearly exam done and found out I was sick.”
My stomach bottoms out, and the food I just ate threatens to work its way back up my throat. “What do you mean sick?”
“I had cancer.”
My jaw loosens and falls open, and I’m unable to form words. Nothing, and I mean nothing, could have prepared me for that word.
“Ovarian cancer. We tried treatment first, but that was unsuccessful, so I had surgery. A hysterectomy.”
“What?”
“I can’t have kids.”
“Amie.” Jesus. My eyes sting and I turn to face her. “That’s why you broke up with me? Because you thought—”
“I knew that if you knew, you would do whatever you could to be where I was, and if you did that, you wouldn’t be able to follow your dreams. I didn’t want that for you.” The way she says it, so nonchalantly, shows how fucked up her thinking is to believe I’d want that.
“Fuck yeah, I would have.”
“Exactly.”
Anger makes me squeeze my fists together, and I slam them into the top of my legs. “I should have been the one to make that fucking decision. You were more fucking important than a damn job, Amie. Fuck!”
Calmly, she blinks. “How many lives did you save?”
“What?”
“How many?”
“That doesn’t matter.” I know what she’s getting at, but I refuse to fall victim to her skewed reasoning.
“I did the right thing.”
“You fucking lied. You made me think you were unfaithful to me. You told me you fucked someone else. Do you have any idea how much that fucking tore me apart?”
“I’m sorry.”
“Fuck, Mimi, what do you want me to say?” I stand, completely and totally fucking shocked. Angry. Pissed. Betrayed. I need a fucking minute to think, to process what she just told me. “I should have been the one to make that fucking decision,” I repeat. “You had no right to make it for me. None!”
“I know.”
“Fuck!”
“Please don’t make me leave.” Her voice cracks as sobs wrack through her body.
I drop to my knees and pull her close. My eyes slam shut as I run my fingers through her hair. No matter what she did to me, or how much she hurt me, I can’t stand to see her in pain.
Her breath hitches. “I never moved on from you. I never forgot about you. I never want to wake up without you again. Please, Declan. Please, I can’t live without you. I know I fucked up, but I only did it because I wanted you to be happy, and I couldn’t give that to you anymore. I couldn’t give you a family. I couldn’t give you what you deserved to have.”
The only thing I ever wanted out of life was her. I wanted us to grow together and fight together and forgive together. And I should have been there for her. I should have been the one holding her hand and taking her to appointments. I should have fucking been there.
I stand and grab her arms when she wraps them around my legs. Her head is pressed against my groin, and in any other situation, it’d turn me on, but right now, it’s tearing me up that she feels like she needs to physically hold on to me so I won’t leave her. “Honey, get up.” She only grabs at my legs harder so I pull her up, and she fists my shirt, afraid to let me go. I wrap my arms around her and hold her tight. “I’m not leaving, Amie, and I’m not letting you leave me again, either. You have to be here with me, too. You can’t shut me out anymore.”
“I won’t, I promise. It’s been hell without you.” She pulls back a little bit, and even through her smeared makeup and red eyes, she’s never looked more beautiful. “I can’t take back the past, D. I can’t give you more than Clover. I can’t give you everything.”
I rest my hand on her chest so I can feel the beat of her heart. “I don’t need anything else, honey. Give me this. This is all I need.”
“You already have that. You always had my heart. You’ll have it forever.”
She reaches up and uses the tips of her fingers to trace along my jawline and over my lips. I haven’t shaved in three days and am in desperate need of a haircut, but more important things have occupied my time.
The woman in front of me is the only one to break me and make me whole simultaneously. She’s always had me, even when I thought she didn’t want me. Her soft eyes look up and through her lashes as she drops back down to her knees.
“Amie.” I try to lift her up. I love her; just being with her is enough for me. “You don’t need to suck me off, honey.” Of course, I’m already sportin’ a raging boner with just the thought of her blowing me.
“I want to. I’ve missed it. I’ve missed everything about you, D… especially your D.”
I chuckle at her smirk and take a step back to lean against the wall since I know she’s gonna make me powerless. My laughter dissipates when she runs her finger along the outline of my cock. She leans in and nips at it through the fabric of my shorts.
Her determined fingers rip the material down to my ankles, boxers included, and she sucks the tip in past her lips, her hands wrapped around my thighs.
“Motherfucker…” I groan at the searing heat of her mouth.
Her throat opens, and she slides me all the way inside then sucks me back out with a pop.
“Fuck, honey. I forgot how good you are. How perfect your mouth fits around me.”
She grips the base with a tight fist and laps at the underside, teasing the sensitive nerves there and driving me insane with desire. “I forgot how much I love to do this to you.” Her mouth surrounds me, and along with her hand, she bobs her head up and down. She plays with her speed, slowing down then picking it back up again, fast enough to make my head spin.
As I knew they would, my legs begin to spasm. I grip her wild hair in one hand and cup her jaw with the other. I push and pull her by her hair, telling her to go even faster. Without taking her eyes off mine, she increases her speed, and I feel my balls tighten.
“Don’t stop, baby. You’re gonna make me come already… Don’t move. I want you to take it all.”
She hums around me, and the vibrations cause my spine to tingle. My legs lock in place, and I let go of her jaw and grab more hair with that hand to hold her still while I spill into her mouth. I close my eyes when white dots blur my vision.
Not able to hold myself up any longer, I pull my shorts up, slide down the wall to the floor, and pull her into my arms. I kiss her face—every inch of it, her temple, her jaw, her eyelids. Finally, I peck her mouth. I love her to death, but I ain’t about to snowball with her.
Her shiny eyes meet mine, and I lean my head forward so our noses touch. “Are you okay?”
Her brows squint together. “Yeah. Of course, I am.”
“No, Amie. I mean are you still sick? Can you get…?” I swallow. I can’t even stand the thought of saying the word cancer and her name in the same sentence. “Sick again?”
“Since I had a hysterectomy, I’ve been fine. I try not to think about it, but of course, there’s always a possibility.”
“Amie…”
“I let cancer destroy not only my body but also the best thing to ever happen to me. If you’re willing to try again, I’m not going to let it define me any longer.”
“Try? Mimi, we aren’t fucking trying. We’re doing. We’ve always been us. We always will be.” My voice comes off as angry, and I guess I am. I’m pissed I lost so many years with her. I’m furious that she thought lying to me would be for the best. I’m hurt that she went through it without me. But if I’ve learned anything in the past seventeen years, it’s that life is short.
I’m not a grudge holder. People fuck up and make mistakes. Amie isn’t the only one who messed up. I could have come back to her; I could have begged her to take me back. I should have done that and more… but I was an idiot. My pride got the best of me, and my ego made me run away like a punk ass bitch.
I frame her face and squeeze her soft skin gently. “You are all I fucking need. I have you, and I have Clover. We finally have what we both always wanted.”
Her tears roll onto my hands, but I don’t move them.
“I missed you so much,” she cries. “Every night when I went to sleep, I thought about you. Every morning when I woke up, you were on my mind. I thought so many times about coming to you and telling you the truth, but then I’d think about what I couldn’t give you and—”
“Christ, baby. There are so many other ways to have a family. You know me better than to think I would have wanted anyone other than you.”
“But I felt like a failure.” Her words end on a breath and she closes her lids, then slowly opens them again, her ocean colored eyes holding almost two decades of guilt. “I didn’t feel like I deserved you if I couldn’t be everything to you, because you were absolutely everything to me.”
“Honey, you’re breaking my fuckin’ heart. You’re not a failure. You always were everything, and what happened to you wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t something that would ever fucking change how I feel about you. I know you know that… you know me.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Me too, honey. Me too.”
Chapter 15
Amie
“YOU HAVE NOTHING TO be sorry for.” I grab onto his wrists as his hands hold my face.
“I could have, should have, done so much more.”
“I didn’t want you to.” In order to make sure he didn’t try to contact me, I did everything I could to erase myself from his life, including avoiding his family. I lived a life of solitude for a long while.
“If I could turn back time, I’d have started a war to get you back,” he promises.
“You can’t fight for someone who already lost.”
“I should have fought harder.”
“I wouldn’t have let you win.”
“I already won, knowing you loved me at one point in my life.”
I push his arms away and throw myself on his lap. My hands wrap around his neck and hold as tight as they can. I cross my legs behind his back, pull him tighter, and just hold him. If I could stay like this forever, I would. He is the perfect man in every aspect, and I was a fucking idiot to let him go. I can’t believe he’s this accepting of me, but I’ll take it. Whatever he wants to give me, I’ll take it even though I don’t deserve it.
Our bodies fit together just right—they always did. He holds me and kisses the top of my head, running his fingers through the knots in my mussed up hair. For the first time since the last time he held me, I’m happy. I’m where I should be, where I’ve always dreamed of going back to.
Clover’s cry sounds from upstairs. Declan kisses me one more time before he lifts me off and pats my ass. “You wanna order something to eat?”
“Sure. What sounds good?”
“Pizza okay?”
I open my mouth to answer but hesitate when I remember what happened last time I ordered pizza. Declan must sense my fear, because he runs his thumb along my jaw. I remember that I’m not back there. I’m safe here. I’m with Declan, and he’d never let anyone hurt me. “Sure.”
The right side of his mouth tilts up in a smile then he takes off upstairs. I pull up the internet on my phone, find the number to a pizza place, and then place an order. He used to love sausage and onion, and I’m hoping his taste buds haven’t changed too much, since that’s what I ordered.
Looking through his cabinets, I find some paper plates and grab a stack of napkins. I balance them on one hand, grab a beer out of the fridge for him and a bottle of water for me, then carry everything to the living room.
My phone rings in the kitchen, and I scurry to answer it. Mom’s checking up on me, and I assure her everything is okay as I empty the dishwasher. When I was first diagnosed and had a break down at eighteen years old, my mother was adamant that I share everything with Declan. My parents loved him as if he were their own son. Most parents don’t approve of their little girl’s boyfriend, but mine did. Declan’s a hard guy not to like. He’s polite and charming. He radiates a natural confidence, and with that, I, along with my parents, knew I was in good hands. So kicking him out of my life and lying by omission was something that caused a rift between my parents and me.
After years went by of me sticking to my decision, they finally accepted it and stopped throwing it in my face. So telling my mom just now that I finally told him will remove the awkward, unspoken elephant that was always in the room with us.
I hang up with her and flip on the TV while I wait for Dec and Clover. It still burns, knowing that I can’t give him any more babies, but I have to learn to accept it. If I continue to live my life with shame and bitterness, I’ll never be happy. And that’s all I really want… Aside from Declan, I just want to be happy again.
His high-pitched voice as he talks to his daughter makes my throat tighten, and I quickly swallow the pang of heartache that I hope will go away eventually.
“I ordered pizza. Should be here any minute.”
“Thanks, honey.” He sits next to me in the middle of the couch and puts his feet on the coffee table then arranges Clover in his lap so her back is resting on his thighs.
“What do you want to watch?” I ask, picking up the remote and hitting the guide.
He raises an eyebrow, and I smile.
“Weather Channel, it is.”
“It’s channel sixty-four.”
I find it in the guide, and as soon as it comes on, the doorbell rings. “I’ll get it.”
“Here.” He leans over and grabs his wallet, but I wave him off.
“I already put it on my card.”
“Damn you, Amie.”
I stick my tongue out, and he shakes his head. “You’ll pay for that.”
As I’m reaching for the doorknob, the delivery guy knocks again, and suddenly my body fills with sand, and I’m unable to move. Memories flicker in and out of my mind like an old movie. With the brutal flashbacks, fear overpowers the courage I had less than an hour ago.
Water splashing on my face, and Larry’s fist flying at me the second I woke up. Me begging him to stop. Grabbing onto the counter and the box of hot pizza falling onto my arm, the smoldering cheese burning my flesh. His dirty boot swinging toward my broken body. Try to fucking leave me, bitch. My hair ripping out as he lifted my head. Nobody leaves me. The alcohol on his breath making me want to vomit, but me afraid I would choke, fighting to swallow it down.
The doorbell rings again, and Declan’s voice echoes somewhere. “Mimi?”
I’ll leave you with the best memory of me, you stupid cunt. Larry’s belt
falling on the floor by my head seconds before rolling me over onto my back.
Another ring, but I can’t move. I’m broken. “Honey, what’s wrong?” Declan’s voice gets louder, but I can’t find him.
“Amie.” A hand touches my shoulder, and I scream, then Clover’s cry pierces my ears. “Shh, it’s okay.” Dec’s soothing voice calms her and me at the same time. “Amie, honey, look at me.”
I blink and look over to find him assessing me with concern. He’s slowly bouncing Clover, but his eyes don’t leave mine. “I’m going to get the pizza, okay?”
“Okay,” I say with only the shape of my mouth, no words escape.
He pries my hand off the knob and gently pulls me aside, then opens the door to take care of the delivery guy. When the door closes, he sets the pizza on the table right inside the entryway, takes my hand, and leads me to the couch again.
I sit, and the TV screen becomes blurry. “I thought I was going to die.”
“Shit,” he curses and sits next to me, resting a hand on my thigh. “He’s not going to hurt you again, Amie. Understand me?”
“I lay there thinking that I’d die, and you’d never know. That you’d always believe I cheated on you. I’m such an idiot.”
“No, you’re not.”
I sniffle, and unashamed, I wipe the snot from my nose with the back of my hand. “I ran into him at the movies a few years ago. I was with a couple of other teachers, and he only said hi to me. A few weeks after that, I saw him again at a restaurant. We sat at the bar after our friends left and just talked.
“He didn’t seem like the same asshole from high school. I thought he’d grown up, and I was desperate for anything at that point. It’d been about fifteen years since I was with you, and I just didn’t want to die alone,” I murmur.
“Honey, you’re killin’ me. Jesus.”
My tears dry up, and I turn to face Declan. “After our second date, he started to be an asshole, and I kept telling myself that he was the best I’d ever get, so I kept going with it. He was a prick from that point, but I never thought he would leave me for dead… I’m not that stupid. You have to believe that.”
