by Samantha Bee
He walks across the room, still shirtless and crowds me against the wall. He towers over me, but I refuse to back down. I tilt my head back until the back of it is resting against the wall as we glare at each other. “You promised to not be reckless,” he accuses.
I slap my hand against his chest as I start to lose it, “I’m not being reckless!” I bang my hand against his chest with every word, anger driving my words and actions.
He lets me vent my rage as I bang on his chest. “Yes, you are,” he spits through gritted teeth.
I rest my hands as I scowl up at him, “No. You both are just being cowards,” I hiss as I lock eyes with him. “Nothing I do will ever be guaranteed to be safe. It doesn’t mean it’s reckless. My revenge still is and will be my priority until I get it.”
He grabs my wrist and squeezes it. I know he’s trying to contain his anger and just barely managing it. I want to keep poking it with a stick. I want his control to snap, his frustration to be as intense as mine, his rage as maddening as the demons screaming in my ears.
“Your safety is always going to be mine and Luca’s, why don’t you get that?”
I yank my hand away from him and slip out from between him and the wall and scoff, “I get it, but it’s not what I need.” I shake my head with my back to him, the anger is starting to fade again, and the heavy feeling of sadness starts to return. I feel it slowly spreading through my body until I feel ten pounds heavier. My emotions have been volatile all week and only more so today. It’s exhausting. I’m exhausted. My body aches with rawness of all the emotions scraping me from the inside out.
Kade and Luca helped to get me here. I don’t know why they are hesitating after so long but maybe it got too real for them. Maybe they started to care for me too much. Maybe they got too attached to the way we were all pretending to play house. This is why I don’t do feelings. This is why I had my rules. I’ve broken them countless times with these guys and now look where we are.
It was all a facade. A band aid as we slowed down on my true purpose. The only thing that gives me true peace. I won’t be able to rest until I take out every vile monster that lurks in the dark shadows of my mind. I can’t be happy until I hold their hearts in my hand and squeeze until they burst and the blood coats my arms. I may have moments of peace and happiness, but it will never be lasting until that moment.
I thought they understood that.
I’m so close to achieving something and they want to stand in my way because they’re scared for my safety. It should be sweet. It should be comforting. It should be something that gives me hope for a future after I kill Romano and whoever the men who were in that office that night. It should, but it doesn’t.
No, it fills me with dread, sadness, a sharp agony to the depths of my soul. I can’t give them what they want and it’s now obvious they can’t give me what I need. It looks like we’ve reached the end of our line. I swallow the emotion suffocating me, “You both are useless to me if you’re going to stand in my way of taking Romano down.”
I can hear the pain in the strangled sound Kade makes behind me. My words cut him deep, but it had to be said. Better to cut the ties than continue to drag this out. We aren’t on the same page anymore, I’m not even sure we are in the same book. Looking back, I can’t pinpoint one moment where it all went so wrong but it’s clear that it has.
Chapter Thirty
Useless. Useless. Useless.
It repeats on a never-ending cycle in my head, ringing in my ears and stabbing me in the heart as she stands there with her back to me.
I knew she was pissed at us. The frustration has been eating away at her all week, it was clear to all of us that it had been. I just never thought we would get here. I can see her shutting down, pulling back on all the progress we’ve made this year. She’s pushing me back out, closing off any part of her that isn’t rage or pain.
Why can’t she understand that we just don’t want her to get hurt? The situation is so volatile right now. Romano is going off the deep end because he can’t find his son, not that we can either. He doesn’t suspect us of working against him though, only of having knowledge of who is and refusing to share it.
He’s just trying to shake the tree and see what comes loose. We don’t have to give him anything. When things cool down then we can make a plan to take him out and dismantle his operation. She’s right, it won’t ever be safe, but we can wait and make it safer for her. Why is that such a hard compromise for her?
I see her pulling more and more away in the way her body tenses. I don’t even have to see her face to know what I would find there. Cold frostiness lined into her every feature, steel walls barricading her heart and soul. No signs of Letty, or Ladybug, or even Noah’s baby girl. No, just Scar. The coldest, hardest parts of herself.
My chest feels like it’s splitting open, pain, anger and frustration ripping through any shreds of self-control I had left. I can hear the desperation in my own voice when I beg her, “Don’t do this, Scar. Don’t pull away from us.”
She refuses to turn and look at me, just standing there hanging her head forward and shaking it back and forth. So slowly she just shakes her head. “Don’t,” I beg again, “We need you.”
She sighs and I can already feel the sting of the rejection I know is coming, “You don’t need me, Kade. You want me and I can’t be what you want.”
The anger that had been fading as the hurt took over comes back, rushing through me fiercely. How dare she tell me what I need versus what I want and assume she understands. She already is everything I want, everything I need. I grit my teeth as I push the words out, trying to keep my temper under control, “How do you know what I need?”
“You want me to love you and I’m sorry, but I can’t.” Still, she refuses to turn back to me, looking at the floor, or maybe her eyes are closed. Closing herself completely off from this moment, this conversation, just everything. I move towards her, wanting to force her to open back up, to open her eyes and see what we could be.
“They broke me that night,” she whispers, and I freeze. She’s never talked to me about it, never so much as uttered a word about what she went through. The only time she talks about it is when she’s planning her revenge. I’ve caught what she’s muttered in her sleep during nightmares, but this is different. She’s choosing to give this piece of herself to me, I just have to convince her it doesn’t have to be a parting gift.
“They took everything from me, everything good I had in me, they stole. I laid there in my own blood as they violated and tortured me. With every drop of blood spilt, every burn seared into me, every inch that was inserted into me against my will, pieces of me died. My soul broke and cracked and eventually shattered when even my mother couldn’t bear the shame of my scars. When she stole my sisters from me, I begged for death. Everything good in me bled out that night. There’s nothing left inside of me except for demons and chaos and even those are shattered. I’m too broken to be what you want.”
I wish she could see herself the way I do, how Luca and Noah do. Even Ryder is falling for her but he’s just as stubborn as her in accepting it. She draws people in like a magnet, demands attention and commands loyalty. I’ve never met a more loved or loving person, but she just won’t see it.
How can she not see what she’s capable of when she looks around herself at the life she’s built? She’s powerful, unstoppable, and has a hell of a lot of people willing to hold her crown when it gets too heavy. The love she has for Rowan should prove to her that she’s more than what she gives herself credit for.
I think about how she smiled and laughed only a week ago, so full of life as she teased each of us for our costumes. “Do you really still feel broken?”
She sighs and he shoulders slump forward, “I do. I feel like the embodiment of chaos, a storm. Never meant to love or be loved. There just long enough to spread the pain and hurt I feel, to cause destruction and move on again.”
“You say a storm like it’s a bad thin
g, like being broken makes you weak or incapable,” I reach out and hesitate before cupping the side of her neck with my hand gently. I run my fingers down the side of her neck, “They broke you that night,” I agree, “but you lived. You lived, Scar. You took the pieces of your soul and fused them back together. Yeah, it fucking looks different now, you aren’t the same girl as back then. You’re scarred, but you’re stronger, nothing shakes you now. You take what you want, and you’ve built a fucking empire for yourself.
“Sure, you’re a storm now. A hurricane that wreaks havoc but how do you not see the beauty in your pain? The beauty in the chaos you are and the destruction you create? You could destroy me a hundred times and I would still beg for more. You are the sweetest torture, the most exquisite pain, the only rain I want to dance in.”
I squeeze her neck before moving my hand to her shoulder and forcing her to face me. There are tears streaming down her face and I feel a pang of relief that I just might be getting through to her. I brush the tears away, “You taped and superglued your shit back together and you’re the strongest person I know. Stronger and braver than Luca or I am. Your jagged edges made you who you are. You took all those fragments and turned them into weapons and shields until you became unbreakable. Just trust yourself, trust us,” I plea as I wait for her to finally open her eyes.
I can’t tell what’s running through her pretty little head and I’m not too man to admit that I’m scared. Scared she will walk away, turn her back on us, scared that I finally just pushed her too far. A part of me knew it was bound to happen, but I never imagined it would be like this.
“I can’t,” she whispers. The fear and regret evident in her voice, “I can’t let you in.”
I chuckle but the sound is hollow and full of heartbreak, not only for myself but for my girl. She’s so stubborn she can’t see that she already has. “You think that because you refuse to talk about your past or emotions that you haven’t let us in, but you already have. We’ve all taken up residence in your heart and you’re just too stubborn to see it.”
She scoffs but I don’t let her say anything, “We’ve all held you and sang to you as you’ve had nightmares. Noah calms your soul just by walking into the room. You turn to me anytime you need to smile and laugh or let your demons out to play. Then there’s Luca,” I half laugh, “Luca has lived in your heart since the day you two met. Even Ryder calls to your demons in his own way.
“You think we don’t see all of you? Even the ugly parts? We know you Scar, all of you, whether you want to admit it or not. We’ve seen how you can be reckless and petty. We know your temper is deadly and your jealousy lethal to anyone who gets too close to one of us.” I pause, letting that sink in for a moment, “If you hadn’t already opened your heart to us why would you care when another woman touches us?” Her body tenses and I know she’s mad just thinking about some of the women she’s seen hitting on us.
“You’ve let us in, we know you. We know when to push you, when to pull back and give you space, what buttons of yours to push, how to get under your skin. We know how to balance you out. We aren’t perfect but we know you.”
I grab her shoulders and squeeze, staying silent until she opens her eyes for me. I see the uncertainty swirling there. “It’s more than just us four,” I choose to remind her of all the other people she’s been letting in. “You have a whole team of people who love you and will fight for you. You’ve let all of us in, but you were too busy living, truly living, to even notice you’d started letting your walls down.”
So many thoughts and emotions flicker in her eyes. I can practically hear the doubts and realizations that are running rampant in her mind. “You can do it, Scar, you already have been,” I whisper, pushing her forwards. For half a second I see her soften and I think I might have gotten through to her. She’s going to lower her walls and let me in, let all of us in.
No. Just as I thought it the walls slam back up, stronger than ever as she shuts down. The tears stop, she stands up straighter and keeps her eyes open and on me. “Maybe I can, but I don’t want to anymore.” She grabs her phone and a pair of sandals and slips out the front door, not once looking back.
I stand rooted to the spot. Not able to chase after her or utter another word. A part of me knows that was the end. That was it. The only goodbye I’ll ever get. The sight of her back to me is burned into my mind. I know it’ll haunt me.
I wish I knew what thought she landed on to turn her back on me, on us. I always knew there was a chance she would run if she realized the depth of her feelings for us. Scar is a runner; she always has been. I should have been more prepared for this moment, but I thought we were past this. I thought she had grown enough to accept our love.
I was obviously wrong.
Chapter Thirty-One
Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
I berate myself as I flee from my apartment and jump into my car with nothing but the clothes on my back.
Kade’s right and I’m pissed about it. Pissed at him, at myself, at all of them. Fuck all of them. I let them all creep under my walls and slide into my heart without even noticing. How did I not notice? How did this even happen?
How did I go from having my rules and never getting attached to letting four of them under my skin, let alone all the other people I’ve let into the inner circle? They’ve all become almost like a family to me. When did I get so soft that I allowed it to happen?
Rowan.
She softened me. I let her in and felt pure love for the first time and my greedy heart wanted more of it. My heart, mind and soul are not in agreement though. I know I’m not capable of being enough for any of them, not even Roe. Maybe especially not Roe but I don’t have it in me to cut her off.
Everything started clicking together the more I thought about Kade’s words. The anxiety, the increase in nightmares, the bad days. I may have let them in but in doing so, my demons are seeping out of me. My walls do more than protect me from letting anyone in, no they help me lockdown and bury the painful memories. I don’t think about them, choose not to wallow in them.
I shoved them down into the darkest recesses of my soul, not wanting to have to work through them. They’re slowly being drawn to the surface as the guys got closer to me. I don’t know how I could be so stupid.
Mother fucker.
What am I going to do now?
The pain in my chest intensifies the further I drive away. The hurt in Kade’s eyes flashes through my mind and I know it’s a look that will haunt me forever. I wipe the tears from my face and try to find that numbness that felt so all-encompassing not that long ago.
I don’t want to feel this pain, the cruel bite of loneliness and regret. I know what I have to do. I had to choose between them and my revenge and I’m not willing to walk away from it. Not for anything. It’s the only thing that will truly settle the demons for good. They call for blood and I plan on giving it to them.
Come on, Scar. You’ve got this.
I just have to figure out how to use the chaos inside of me to push them back out and bring back my walls of ice.
The only problem is my chaos seems to like them too.
I groan as I head to my private safehouse. Luca knows about this place, but they won’t realize anything is wrong until at least tomorrow. I spent all day sleeping and now it’s just getting dark. The only plans I had were with Kade and I doubt he will be looking for me just yet. He probably thinks I just need time to cool off.
Or he’s too pissed and hurt to even care what happens to me at this point. Not that I could blame him.
I park as I try to push my thoughts about the guys out of my head. I need to do this, and they won’t let me. It all got too tangled and complicated. I don’t do complicated. It’s time for me to take on this mission by myself. I should have from the start, but I was just a scared little girl back then.
Not anymore.
It’s time to tear down an empire and behead the sick fuck who likes to call himself king. I hope Roman
o is ready for the hell I have planned for him.
I have all the equipment I need set up here and luckily, I’m the one with the access to all the evidence we need. Or I guess all the evidence I need.
I stay up all night setting up my plan and getting things in motion. Come tomorrow morning, the entire country is going to be in for a rude awakening.
Epilogue
I drag myself out of bed and head into the kitchen to pour some coffee before flopping down onto the couch as I turn the tv on. The only thing on this early is the news but I need anything to drown out the emptiness of the house.
Everyone moved out and the silence in this big house weighs heavily on me. Luca has been in a mood, especially after his blowout with Scar after training the other day. Kade chased after her but we haven’t heard from him either, so they probably made up, loudly if I had to guess.
I even miss hearing them fuck as her moans rang through the house, even though it was slowly driving me mad. The house was just always so lively it was hard to dwell on anything but the moment.
It hasn’t been the same since the house emptied out. I think Luca is secretly thankful I decided to stay. I could have gotten my own place, but I really don’t want to be alone. Even though Luca and I disagree on the Romano situation, I’m not quite as vehement as Scar is. Not that I blame her.
I flick through the channels until a headline catches my attention. I go back to the channel and my entire body freezes as betrayal and rage burns through me.
“Luca!” I holler for him. He comes out of his office already perfectly dressed for the day.
He takes a look at the screen and curses. On the television in a video of a man being escorted to the back of a police car. The anchors are discussing how an anonymous source has provided evidence of a nationwide human trafficking ring. The evidence includes buyers and sellers’ names as well as additional information such as the date of the transaction.
