by Lolah Lace
I was made aware that we didn’t match when a light skin Black lady with dreads gave me the stank eye. New age Angela Davis needed to mind her business. She didn’t have to tell me we were a mismatch. Even I could see that.
I walked behind Maybe Jason as he led us to a table in the back of Tasty Dog. I quickly sat down hoping I didn’t run into anyone I knew.
“You want something to drink or food or something?”
No! No! No! I want to go home and watch Purple Rain, you boldface liar. I couldn’t say that. I had to remind myself that I was a polite person. I was quite sure mean bitches had more fun than me.
“I’ll take a medium vanilla shake.”
“They sell shakes here?”
No fool, I just asked for something that wasn’t on the menu because I like to give men a challenge. “Yeah.” I forged another smile. It was probably the fifth or sixth counterfeit smile but who’s counting.
“Is that all?”
“Yes, that’s all, thanks.”
“Cool.” He smiled, and yes it was the guy from the profile. Now I was sure. “Coming right up.” He strutted away as if he wasn’t a complete and total fraud.
One hour with him wouldn’t kill me. I waited for Jason to walk away before I dug in my purse for my cell phone. I started texting Tamika. I hoped she was around to text back. She should be, I just left her.
LATANYA: [BISH!!! Help! He fat! He old!]
TAMIKA: [No for real??? RUN!!! Lol]
LATANYA: [Ain’t shit lol about this. Dis a MF catfish.]
TAMIKA: [Issa MF pufferfish! Lol Call Nev and Max!]
LATANYA: [I hate a liar. I’m so done right now.]
TAMIKA: [Give Biggie one more chance. Have Faith…evans! Lol]
I was texting so fast autocorrect was messing me up. There weren’t enough words in the English language to help me convey how I was feeling at that very moment.
LATANYA: [F- Faith Evans, on Florida Evans. Damn! Damn! Damn!]
TAMIKA: [You took it way back! Be nice to Puffy. Lol]
LATANYA: [Fuck that! I’m done. I’m crying. I’m weak. I’m sick. I’m in the ambulance. I’m in the hospital. I’m dying. I flatlined. I’m dead. I’m deceased. I’m in the morgue. I’m at the funeral home. I got my death certificate. I’m cremated. Throw my ashes in the lying blue eyes of this rat bastard until he’s blind.]
TAMIKA: [LMAO!!! Give him 5 minutes and then bounce.
LATANYA: [Bet.
TAMIKA: [You got a real Prince waiting for you on BluRay.] (Purple Heart emoji)
LATANYA: [I want to push his lying ass right in Lake Minnetonka.]
TAMIKA: [Be like MLK nonviolent.]
LATANYA: [Nonviolent dez nuts. Here he come w/ his fraud ass.]
I quickly stuffed my cell phone in my purse and sat it in my lap. I watched as Jason put a large vanilla shake and a single straw down in front of me. Then he sat down with his large cup in his hand.
“ I got me a chocolate shake.”
Okay, what’s that mean? I hope he wasn’t trying to be on some funny shit. I like chocolate shakes because I like chocolate women bullshit. I was not in the mood.
“So how long have you been on Snatch & Match?” I had questions. I needed answers. Talking might help me understand and suppress my anger.
“Not long.”
He probably was lying. That was not a legit answer. I needed more than two words.
“How long have you been on the site?” He asked.
“Just a few days.”
“I bet you get a lot of matches in your inbox.”
I bet you got a lot of drinks thrown in your face. “A few.”
I searched his face and it was there, maybe Jason was Jason. But why was I having such I hard time accepting it?
I removed the wrapper from my straw and placed the straw in my vanilla shake. I couldn’t focus on him this man. He was talking but I wasn’t listening. In times of stress my brain took me to a galaxy far away.
I fell into my daydream without any hesitation. I was at the same table right here at Tasty Dog. I looked over at Jason. I abruptly stood up and peered down at him. I leaned down to look him in the beady blue eyes. It was time for me to interrogate this imposter.
“You can’t handle the truth!” I screamed. I was impersonating Jack Nicholson in the movie A Few Good Men. “Is your real name Jason? I bet your name is David Webb. Are you a natural blonde? Are your eyes really blue? Does that pickup truck really belong to you?”
Jason cowered at my barrage of questions. But I had more. I wasn’t done yet. “Do you own a mirror? Do you Photoshop your pictures? Do you know the truth will set you free? Do you know the truth if it hit you in the face? Do you? Do you? Do you understand the question? Answer the question fucking Jason! Answer me! Answer me!”
Jason was visibly terrified. “Which one?” He whimpered like a baby.
With both hands, I grabbed the collar of Jason’s flannel shirt and balled it in my fists.
Jason appeared to be scared to death. His eyes were bulged and his face was bright red. He blinked and when he looked at me I was wearing a Friday The 13th, Jason Voorhees goaltender mask.
“Look at me Jason!”
From out of nowhere I yielded a machete that was hidden behind my back. This would make him talk.
“Shit!” He managed one single word.
“You’re not the baddest Jason in town.” Clearly that was Jason Voorhees and Jason Bourne. “But you give all Jason’s a bad name when you lie. It’s not acceptable to deceive women and waste their time.” I had a sharp weapon and I was on my culprit. I was going to make this deceiver get my message loud and clear. I was about to slice and dice Jason B.
“I’m very sorry.” He cried. “I swear I will never ever lie about anything ever again. Please don’t kill me.” He pitifully begged for his life.
Drunk on power I brought the machete closer to Jason. He tightly shut his lying blue eyes.
A sound in the restaurant brought me back to reality. My elusive daydream was over and I was right back here in Tasty Dog with fake Jason sitting across from me. I took a sip of my milkshake and pretended that I was listening all along. That was easy to do with a random head nob here and there.
“ You look better in person.” He complimented me.
“ You look completely different in person.” I shot back with a little vitriol. I have eyes and they have vision. I may as well state the obvious.
“Yeah, I put on a few pounds.”
A few, baby, and a few decades on your age, your damn profile said toned and athletic. Where? In the Matrix? In Westeros? In Asgard? In Neverland? In Jurassic Park? I was going off on a tangent in my mind. I had to get back into the real world.
“Huh.” The only thing I could think to say.
“Is my weight a problem for you? If it is, I understand.” He sulked.
Be cool, I warned myself. “No, your weight isn’t a problem for me. Lying is the problem.” Be nice Latanya. Be nice. I had to speak frankly. I didn’t know any other way to be. “Honestly I didn’t know men lied about their age and weight. I thought that was a woman thing. I’m really shocked. You look absolutely nothing like your pictures. Nothing at all.”
“ Oh yeah those pictures are from high school. I haven’t taken any new ones.
He must think I was born yesterday. “You haven’t taken a photo since high school?”
“I wasn’t really happy with how I looked. So, I haven’t taken any recent pictures.”
If orange is the new black, and forty is the new thirty. Is lying the new sexy? He was still lying to me.
I was trying to be sincere when I spoke to this fool. “Size doesn’t matter. When you post old pictures on a profile it’s just deceptive. Honesty is the cornerstone of any relationship. I’m not sure how you think you can start any relationship when you haven’t been truthful from the start. I’m looking for a guy that is honest out the gate.”
“Girls, they don’t give guys like me a chance.
I wonder why? That was strictly sarcasm. “I can’t speak for other women. I just know what I look for in a man. Honestly is first and foremost. It was nice meeting you. Good luck with your search.”
Courage took over me. I boldly stood and grabbed my purse. I lifted my milkshake from the table and hightailed it right out of Tasty Dog. I was outty five-thousand before he could protest even though I heard him rambling something as I exited.
My drive home was quick and quiet. I didn’t bother turning on the radio. I was still in shock. I’d never really met any men that were insecure about their appearance. I mean regardless of weight, height, age, looks and occupation, the men I came into contact with seemed pretty confident and sometimes even cocky. Even weirdo Lance was okay dating without a real job. He didn’t see anything wrong with his situation. It was just too much to deal with. I knew men might add a few inches to their height but this was a completely different thing.
Once upon a time Notorious B.I.G got Lil Kim and Faith Evans. Jermaine Dupri got Janet Jackson. Jay-z married Beyoncé. It was safe to say looks didn’t matter to most women. Or at least that was my take on it.
My luck was looking up. I found a parking spot right in front of my apartment building. I took the stairs up to the second floor. I walked back into my apartment feeling a little defeated, a lot of discouraged, and a smidgen of weary.
I entered the living room. Tamika was lounging on the couch with a huge tub of popcorn in her lap and the remote control in her hand. I took the seat next to her on the sofa. She turned the bowl of popcorn in my direction. Reaching over I put my hand in the bowl and pulled out a single red Twizzler vine candy. I hadn’t noticed it inside the bowl before. It was a welcomed treat. I took a bite.
“You got me candy.” I said before I could even chew the candy and swallow it.
“Yes, I knew you needed a little sugar rush.”
“Ah, yes.”
“You were rage texting me.”
“I was but the rage wasn’t for you.”
“Yeah, you cool?
“Uh, I’m just in shock. He wasn’t bad looking. Why would he lie? That is so whack.”
“Everybody doesn’t have confidence and self-esteem. Sometimes it takes people a minute to be comfortable in their own skin.”
“But he’s a man.”
“Yes, you said it. He’s a man. They’re more insecure than women. They just hide it better.”
“ Women don’t give a shit about all that other shit. We want a man to love us, support us, be financially stable and honest, loyal, trustworthy and that would take a bullet for us in a robbery or carjacking type situation.”
“You know that. And I know that. But apparently Jason doesn’t.”
“ No, he did not and I’m not a school teacher. It’s not my job to teach these men the basics.”
“No, it is not.”
“Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m the one that has issues. Two bad dates in a row.”
“ Nope. There’s nothing wrong with you. There’s a good guy out there just for you.”
“I hope so.”
“Trust, it is.”
“ You can start Purple Rain. I’m going to get out of this dress and put on my pajamas.” I stood and walked toward the hallway.
I entered my bedroom and tossed my purse on the bed. I slipped my feet out of my heels. I walked to my chest of drawers and opened the second drawer. I rummaged through the drawer and grabbed a pair of shorts. I closed the drawer and looked down at the full box of tampons. All of my focus was on the pink box.
When did I have my last period? I didn’t know. I couldn’t remember. When was it? I missed it. Maybe I missed two periods. I couldn’t be sure. I held my breath.
Turning away from the chest of drawers I grabbed my purse off the bed. I dug inside in search of my cell phone. I started breathing again when I found it. I hit a few buttons and was at my calendar. I clicked, scrolled, and then I stopped when I realized I stopped keeping track.
Worry flooded my heart and paralyzed me. This was major. This was something I couldn’t deal with right now.
Lipo Sucks
LATANYA
I knew I probably shouldn’t be going on another Snatch & Match date but I needed to see this through. I wasn’t a quitter. I told myself that I would at least go on three dates before I gave up. They say third times a charm. But who the hell are they?
This time I was nervous as I sat alone at a table inside Tasty Dog. I tried to stop fidgeting in my chair. I looked around the restaurant to see if my Snatch & Match date had arrived.
I made sure I got to the restaurant first. I didn’t want a replay of what happened in the parking lot with Jason. I made sure that wouldn’t happen again. This time I made sure I saw a live video of the man I was going to meet today.
I’m so glad God invented FaceTime. Or was that Steve Jobs? It probably was some random Apple engineer with a name like Roberto Garcia. It didn’t matter to me. I knew this guy was fine. I knew he was who he says he is. That Jason bullshit could never happen to me again. I’m smarter and wiser when it comes to this online dating stuff.
I stared out the restaurant window. I didn’t want to get caught daydreaming but I had been doing it lot lately. Through the glass, I recognized my date right away. I smiled to myself when I noticed how handsome he appeared in the distance. I watched him as he exited his car and made his way inside.
I stood as he approached me. He looked like his pictures but even more handsome in person. He was a tall White man. He looked like he was in his late thirties. I couldn’t remember his exact age but he looked like whatever age he put on the website profile.
This guy was Gregg with three G’s and he was very attractive with light brown hair and deep green eyes.
Yes! Yes! Yes! My nerves turned into sincere hope. On top of everything else he could dress. He was rocking a nice gray button-down shirt and fresh black jeans. His body was very nice, drool-worthy. I didn’t have anything to complain about.
“Latanya.” He looked a little unsure but I knew I looked like the photos I uploaded to my profile. Maybe he was as nervous like me.
“Gregg.” My voice cracked.
I wasn’t completely ready for the embrace he laid on me but I fell into it. I took a quick whiff of him before we both pulled away. Oh lord, he smelled so good, so manly and so delightful.
“I remember what kind of coffee you like.” He smiled warmly. “You want something else with it?”
“No, just the coffee is good.”
“I’ll be right back.”
I watched Gregg’s butt as he walked to the counter to place our order. He had a cool sexy stride. It wasn’t too cocky or arrogant. It was just right. I had a good feeling about this one. He checked a lot of my boxes. He was fine. He was tall. He smelled like a man that cared about his hygiene. Thank you. Thank you.
For the first time I can see future sex with this man. It was a bonus that he paid attention in our cell phone conversations. He also remembered what kind of coffee I liked.
I waited patiently. Gregg returned to the table with two cups of coffee. He had my drink right, a caramel Frappuccino. He sat down in the chair across from me.
“This is a cool little place.” His eyes darted around the restaurant.
“It’s an old neighborhood restaurant. It’s been here for years, well as long as I can remember.”
“ This is a nice neighborhood.”
“Yeah, it’s cool.”
“You live near here?” I watched him wrap his hand around his coffee cup.
“ About five minutes away.”
“ Lots of the women on that dating site live in very bad neighborhoods.”
“Oh really?”
“Yes, the ghetto.”
I wasn’t sure if I should be offended by his use of the word ghetto. It’s just a word. So I’m going to just push that aside.
“I wouldn’t know where the other women live. I’m not dating any of the women.”
I joked.
Gregg charmingly laughed out loud. “ Good thing. You would be mortified to see what’s out there. I’m just happy you look like your profile pictures. Glad you were willing to FaceTime.”
“ I’m happy you look like your pictures too. When did you join Snatch & Match?”
“After my divorce.”
Oh, he was married before. That wasn’t in his profile. “ Oh, how long were you married?”
“I was married for about fifteen years.” He mashed his lips together and shook his head from side to side.
“That’s a really long time. I’m sorry to hear it didn’t work out.”
“ Could’ve been longer if my slutty ex-wife didn’t cheat on me.”
Goog old Gregg had surprised me with his harsh language. I didn’t expect those words to come out of his mouth. I wasn’t cool with men calling women out their names. However I decided to keep that to myself.
“Oh, I’m sorry. How long have you been divorced?”
“Two years.” He rolled his eyes.
Two years on a dating site and he’s still single? Why? Red flags started to pop up all over the place. I knew I was a somewhat judgmental person. I was working on that character flaw.
“Two years is a long time.” I thought it was best to get to the bottom of this gap in time by asking questions. “You weren’t seriously interested in anybody you dated from the site?”
“Yes, there were a few women I liked a lot but I have kids.” He dropped another bomb. There was no mention of children on his profile.
“How many kids do you have?”
“Two, a boy and a girl. My daughter is 14 and my son is 7.”
Well he didn’t have an infant or a toddler. So that was good.
“ That shouldn’t be a problem for anyone. Plenty of people have children.”
“ It has been a major problem for me. I can’t just be spontaneous and go out on dates without having a babysitter.”
“ You can go out on weekday nights and every other weekend, right?”
“Not really. I have full custody.”
I blinked too many times to count. “What do you mean?” Full custody?
