Chapter 19
Why is there something instead of nothing? Why all the shapes and forms and color, and all the rest of manifest world? And why life? Why You instead of Not-you? What is the Big Truth? Only the space of no-thought answers those questions. The space of the all-ancient, all-knowing-truth that goes simply: “I am Heavenly Mind. I create myself.”
- From His Recorded Words
I couldn’t find Danny at lunch, but Michelle was sitting with Sally in a corner of the cafeteria. They had kids around them, the ones who’d been attending Danny’s talks from the beginning. I stood back, still panting from what I had just heard in Principal Steele’s office. The kids all nodded and walked away like they were on a mission. I approached Sally and Michelle, not knowing quite what to say.
“Guess what? We’re getting another gathering after school,” Michelle said.
“Way out in Hillside Park,” Sally said. “So they can’t get upset because it won’t be on school grounds.”
I just said, “Sure.” Hillside Park was about a mile from the school. It was a huge outdoor preserve, mostly wooded and very hilly with hiking paths and bike trails winding through it, even some small lakes. You could get lost there. I hadn’t seen it in years, but I’m not really outdoorsy.
Sally said, “Are you okay? You look—are you upset about something?”
“I don’t know, Sally.”
“This is going to work out,” she said, putting her hand over mine. “We’re going to make sure everyone understands what’s going on with Principal Steele and get their help to convince him to let Danny continue. We’ll drive there after school. Don’t worry.”
I didn’t have the heart to tell them how wrong they were, not with all the excitement in their faces. Mr. Tan had betrayed us, though his intentions were good. Michelle’s parents had betrayed us—and I could barely look at her, even though she obviously wasn’t aware of it. But I couldn’t tell them now. I didn’t want to throw in the wrench that would destroy all their enthusiasm. Not yet. I’d wait until after Danny’s next—and probably last—talk.
Michelle said she’d seen Danny walking by himself around the football field with the recorder. I went outside under the bleachers and watched him slowly pacing and talking into it—spilling his deep thoughts, the ones that none of us knew about.
Mr. Tan was really chipper in class that day. Of course, in his mind, everything was working out for the best. A special school just for Danny? One in a million? But I started thinking: Mr. Tan wasn’t kidding, he really thought Danny was a genius of some sort. And also, here was the full-proof solution to the Tim problem. Get Danny away, get him safe. I felt like smacking myself in the forehead. I hadn’t seen it. As long as we could keep Tim at bay until Danny went to his new school. And I didn’t need to sacrifice myself anymore to a possible prison sentence, though I was willing to pay the price. Just had to keep Danny safe until then.
And what the hell? I was pretty sure I’d get on the bike and visit Danny, maybe even for keeps. It would hardly be running away—Dad wouldn’t care. And I’d heard California was nice. I had a lot of experience working in bars; I was sure there were plenty of those in California. And then there was Sally to consider.
When the bell rang, Mr. Tan pulled Danny to the side as the other kids left the room. He said his talk with Principal Steele had gone perfectly. “I can’t tell you yet. But I think you’ll be pleased with the outcome. I’m proud of you, young man.” I figured he would miss Danny too. It would have to be hard to send away your favorite pupil. I hoped he wasn’t noticing my glare.
We met Sally and Michelle at the red sports car. The fastest way to Highland Park was highway 686 for about half a mile—Sally zipped through the spotty pre-rush hour traffic—then, through the high overpass that went under one end of park, then a quick left onto the off ramp which circles almost directly into the main lot. Other cars were arriving as we got there.
Off the parking lot was a playground with swing sets, a slide, one of those wooden climbing contraptions, and some monkey bars. We sat on the swing sets, Danny and me on one side and Sally and Michelle facing us on the other. “What are you going to talk about today?” Michelle asked.
“I don’t know.”
“You don’t know?” Michelle asked.
“I never know.”
“You can’t possibly make it up as you go along,” Sally said.
“Not exactly. I just let myself go quiet and it comes out. I really can’t tell you what I’m going to say. When it’s over I sometimes don’t know what I said.”
The girls went silent, and I said sarcastically, “Girls, didn’t you know. He’s got an iPhone to God.”
“I guess it’s a little weird,” Danny admitted.
Sally and Michelle exchanged glances. You could see the mystery of Danny growing in their minds. Though I’m sure that wasn’t his intention.
More kids walked onto the field. Some came over to say hi, some gathered into small groups, or sat on the other equipment. I noticed Steve Kinney coming my way. Jen wasn’t with him this time. He came directly to me and said, “Got a minute?” Steve and I left Michelle and Sally and Danny chatting on their swings as other kids gathered around.
“Pretty nasty, what your little religious crew did, signing a protest letter to Steele,” I said.
“I’m sorry about that, Joe. I told them not to, but some—a few, really—are just hard core about this stuff. They think Danny is a threat. Myself, I don’t get the hostility. I think a lot of what he says is…good. I was going to ask him to sit down with some of us later this week and talk about we believe in common. You’ll notice Jen isn’t with me.” He shrugged and I got the impression they’d had a falling out.
“She signed?”
“Yep.”
“Okay, Steve. Thanks for telling me. I think most of this stuff will work itself out.”
“Yeah, I hope so.” He faced me straight. “Listen, Joe. I’ve had to walk away from Tim. We‘ve been friends since grade school. But after that stunt he pulled and other things—I’ve walked away. He’s nuts. And I think he’s dangerous. Do you understand?”
“Yeah,” I sighed. “I’ve got to keep a clear eye out for Tim and make sure Danny’s always surrounded. Trust me, I know.” He stared at my face, and I think he figured out who’d given me the bruises.
“I’ll watch out for Danny too, Joe.” He gave me a knuckle-wrap in the middle of my chest, like he used to when we played football together.
I turned and walked back to the swing set. Pete Marcela was there, chatting it up with Danny. He got up when he saw me coming. He didn’t have to. I wouldn’t have taken his seat from him. A month or two earlier I might have, but not anymore.
As a crowd of twenty or so kids gathered, fewer than before, which Danny had predicted, Michelle started to organize. We didn’t have a hill for everyone to sit on like the sermon on the hockey boards, so she pointed at the monkey bars and said to Danny, “What do you think?”
“Sermon on the Monkey Bars?” he said. “I don’t think so. Let’s just walk through the forest.”
“As a group?”
“Sure. It’ll be good that way.”
Danny proceeded to sweep through the crowd and they gathered behind him and into the forest. I doubt if anyone who was there will ever forget that last sunny afternoon when Danny walked and taught through the woods. I’ve tried. In school lore it’s known as the Bloody Sermon.
He’d found a trail that was fairly wide and open so the sun came down and made the trees along either side bright with the fall leaves, red and yellow. He said he wasn’t going to teach as much—he just wanted people to walk in headlessness through the trees and the fluttering leaves and allow it all to flow by in smooth silence. Michelle and Sally and I were up front with Danny initially, but he kept slipping away and popping up in different parts of the moving crowd, talking about his own perception
s: “Let go of the imaginary control center in the head...Feel the boundary of body become hazy and merge into everything you see around you…Try it with one eye closed…Imagine you’re walking six inches off the ground…” It was mostly very calm. Occasionally Michelle would glance up into the woods but I couldn’t see what she was looking at. When I finally asked her what was up, she said it was probably just a deer. We all knew there are a lot of deer in Highland Park.
We’d gone a long ways, probably for an hour or two, not running into many people, but those that did see us must have gawked at this group of wandering silent teenagers. I felt myself calming down. It was all for the best, the things I hadn’t yet told Danny were going to happen. Danny was as real as Mr. Tan had said, and I had been a part of it, and I’d join him sometime wherever it all took him. I wasn’t even sure I should tell anyone. Just let it happen.
“What the hell is that thing?” Michelle said sharply.
Beside her, Danny and I looked to where her head was pointed. There was something moving in the woods on a hill. The setting sun allowed a clearer view and a figure emerged, sticking out among the red and yellow of the trees.
“Danny, get down!” Michelle screamed, jumping in front. I rushed to cover him; I’d seen it too. I slammed Danny down to the ground, and Michelle jerked backwards into me. I caught her in my arms and someone screamed. Her head was turned to me, two brown, dead eyes, an arrow through her forehead. “Danny!” I hollered throwing myself over him, as pain ripped into my shoulder. I got up and barked, “Get him out of here.” Steve started hauling him away, amidst the screaming and scrambling. Sally pointed at my shoulder. She screamed, “Joe, you’re—”. I glanced down, immediately snapped off the back end of an arrow shaft protruding below my shoulder blade. I charged up the hill. The shooter was running.
The ground was rugged with rocks, fallen logs and bushes. I could feel the arrow sticking out of the back of my shoulder, but there was no way to pull it out, and I wasn’t going to lose him. I barely had him in my sight, when he stumbled and fell. I had nearly closed the ground between us when he got up again, but I’d seen his face this time. Tim. I whispered to myself as I followed, “Get him, get him…” His shirt trailed behind him just a few feet in front of me. I lurched and grabbed it. We both crashed forward, rolled and struggled down the hill, landing a few feet short of the railing over the highway overpass. The sounds of busy rush hour traffic came up from below. We got up struggling. He punched me in the chest, but I stood solid. He was snarling rage, high as a kite. I made my decision: No more. Holding fast to his sides, I began pushing him backwards, even as his fists came up into my face, striking blows, splitting my nose. Kids were now yelling behind us and I heard the growing sound of the cars below, and I just kept pushing towards that sound: No more. Slowly I got his hips against the railing, fists flailing into me. I stared into his face. His eyes went wide. “Goodbye, Tim.” I shoved him over.
He shrieked down and thudded off the top of a car. If he didn’t break his neck in the fall, one of the fast-moving cars would kill him in the next second or two in the dim light. I watched from above. Then another figure dropped into the highway from the opposite side and shot across the traffic. “Danny, get out of there!” He caught Tim staggering in his middle, cars swerving wildly around them, and pushed him backwards into an embankment out of danger. I ran around the railing and slid. They were just below me. Danny was crouching over Tim. I was just about there.
“No!” Tim suddenly shouted and rising up shoved Danny backwards. A car squealed as it hit him, smacking his body back into the embankment.
I reached him in tears. His eyes were battered dark blue. One of his legs was bent in the wrong direction. I put my hand behind his head, hearing screaming behind me, the sounds of slamming breaks. “Why did you do that, Danny? Why did you do that?”
I just sat there holding him, smoothing his hair back. Suddenly Tori Muskat was next to me. She leaned in and put her mouth over his and began mouth to mouth. “Help him,” I muttered.
In the background, there was shouting and sirens and red lights. I never looked up from Danny. Suddenly he gurgled blood into the Tori’s face. His eyes opened. “Joe,” he whispered.
“Here buddy,” I leaned in close. “I’m here.”
“Sorry about this.”
“It’s okay buddy. Everything is going to be fine. Help’s coming.”
“Don’t hurt anyone, Joe. It won’t help. But I have to go now.”
“No, don’t! Don’t go anywhere. There’s help coming. Hold on.” In the background I could hear directions being shouted, “Over here!” “Over here!”
He whispered, “Take the recorder. It’s in my pocket. Listen to it someday. I think it’s almost filled up.” He smiled. “You’ll be okay.”
I pulled the recorder from his pocket and stuck it in my own never leaving his gaze.
“Look in my eyes,” he gasped. “Be the last thing I see.”
Even in this awful moment, his eyes were still so bright and peaceful. Everything melted away. For an eye-blink, there was just me and Danny in a warm, perfect space—not two people, one person, seeing itself in a mirror. He knew it. “That’s it, Joe. That’s where we meet forever.” The smile faded. The eyes closed and a sharp breath came out. Behind me Tori screamed “No!” and two guys in uniforms brushed me aside to work on Danny’s body. But I knew it was over.
I stood up and everything went silent. People were screaming, sirens were blaring, ambulance lights were pulsing red. But I only heard silence. Everything slowed down. I couldn’t imagine what a thought was—I just saw it all, amazingly still, amazingly quiet, and nothing bothered me. I whispered, “Goodbye.”
Three police were walking towards me. Beyond them a paramedic was tending to Tim in the back of an ambulance. They say I flattened everything in my path, including the police officers, and that I practically flew over a car after throwing Steve Kinney–who tried to stop me—through the windshield. I even cast aside a horrified Sally. I’m glad I don’t remember that part too clearly. When I felt Tim’s neck in my hands I knew I could break it with a twist. We locked stares. He knew it was his turn. But instead of a life I wanted to squeeze out of existence, for a moment, I saw the same life I’d seen in Danny, just before—I let go for just a second. Police grabbed me from every side. I didn’t struggle. I had the recorder. I’d be okay, whatever happened.
Epilogue
In the few seconds it took for Steve to get in his truck and start the engine, I’d decided I wasn’t going to their little church, wasn’t interested in seeing how they “celebrated” Danny. I remembered Danny’s own reaction to being worshipped—degrading.
I’m free now, I thought. And for the first time, I was glad something had stopped me from killing Tim that day. I’d still be in jail if that had happened. I thanked Danny in my mind. I thanked him for stopping me.
I followed the truck to the first stop light. When Steve turned right, I turned left, and even as the kids in the back started banging to get Steve’s attention, I gunned it and got away fast. I had another destination on my mind. Far away. Dad wouldn’t mind.
On the open highway, I felt the recorder in my pocket, fidgeted out the ear plug and stuck it in. I hadn’t listened to it yet. I’d been afraid to. But I’d have plenty of time on my trip to California, and now I wanted to understand…Danny’s Mind.
THE END
Commentary on Danny’s Spiritual Cosmology
The concepts of Heavenly Mind (e.g., nirvana or Christ consciousness), Head Mind (ego or the “small I”), and the practice of headlessness (meditation) are thousands of years old and have their correspondents in the mystical traditions in all the world religions, as well as modern transpersonal psychology. For those further interested in the topic of higher levels of human consciousness, the gre
atest influences from my personal two decade study include the following. The ancients: Lao Tzu, the Zen Masters, and three very readable medieval Christian monks, Meister Eckhart, Saint Theresa, and the anonymous author of the Cloud of Unknowing. From the 20th century and today: Krishnamurti, Ken Wilber, Eckhart Tolle, Charlotte Joko Beck, Byron Katie, Adysahanti, Deepak Chopra, and D.E. Harding. The full list would include hundreds.
The meditative practice of headlessness occurs in all the religious traditions, though not always in the same language. The Zen Masters advocated “chopping off the head” and “looking from the back of the head”. Krishnamurti practiced “seeing with the whole head”. Emerson has the extraordinary passage, “I am become a transparent eyeball. I am nothing. I see all.” D. E. Harding is a modern explainer of headless practice, building seamlessly upon the ancient wisdom techniques. Any works by these authors are recommended.
In the end Danny’s Mind is simply one response to the question, if it were possible for a teenage Jesus or an adolescent Buddha to appear today in a modern high school, what might he say? What powers and insights might he awaken?
Before You Go
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Additionally, if you wish to see published the full Journal of Danny Perkins (it exists), or if you have other comments, I would love to hear from you at: [email protected] Thanks. And have a great life. Have a fantastic life.
James Bailie
About the Author: James Bailie is a corporate manager, author, and decades-long student of the spiritual arts. Through tightly-written, intelligent, “four-study-hall-reads” his goal in writing is to bring the reader into the lives of people unusual or unlikely, and hopefully make them friends.
Danny's Mind: A Tale of Teenage Mysticism and Heavenly Power Page 20
