No. Jix wanted his scent. I didn’t.
That’s a lie, you do want him. My jaguar was insistent.
I stepped back and took a steadying breath, allowing my brain to kick start into gear.
This was why I knew there had to be something supernatural at play with Ben, there’s no way I’d get aroused after being triggered like that. Yet, with him, I was. There was this implicit trust I had of him that I couldn’t explain and didn’t entirely believe in.
Because he is your mate.
She picked up on the fact I wasn’t talking to her and went back to wherever it is she goes. He reached out and tucked a stray lock of hair behind my ear. I found myself turning my face into his hand. Damn jaguar. Maybe I’m on the verge of being virulent, the oncoming fever could be causing the lapse in judgement here.
Or maybe Ben really is my soul mate. No. Not possible. I looked up at him and realized he still had a hand on my cheek, and that my hand was resting over the top of his.
“Sorry.” Part of me wanted to step away, but Jix didn’t like the idea. Neither did the rest of me, if I may be frank. Instead of moving, I stood rooted to the spot staring into his eyes.
“I’m not.” His hand burrowed into the hair at the nape of my neck and, as he ran his hand through the strands, I felt a strong desire for him to caress the rest of me.
“I shouldn’t….”
“Do you want to?” He lowered his mouth to mine, but hovered inches away, waiting for me to meet him and tell him this was okay.
Did I want to? Yes! Oh, fuck, yes.
In fact, at this point, all I wanted were his lips on mine and his hands on my body. I didn’t speak. I just did the stupidest thing I could do; I stood up on my tiptoes and kissed him.
It was every bit as amazing as Jix said it would be. Before I could think, my right hand was on the back of his head and I’d stepped in closer to him. His tongue brushed my lower lip. I opened my mouth and was surprised to find he tasted like caramel. I licked and sucked on his tongue as it explored mine.
As cliché as it may be, I’ve never in my life had a kiss as intense as that one. My heart was pounding and I was more turned on than I could ever remember being. It felt so good being with Ben this way.
So right.
Jix roared inside me and I could feel her excitement. It even pulled me away from the moment slightly. Just enough for me to get a grip. She noticed me pulling out of the moment and she glared at me.
No, this is not right. Alex.
His name brought me back to myself and I ended the kiss and stepped away, leaving both of us to try and catch our breath.
“I can’t.” I wasn’t quite ready for the big words yet, so I just pointed at the front of the apartment building and said quietly, “Alex.”
“Right. Well, thank you for a lovely time. Glad you’re home safe. I think I’ll be going now.” Ben turned to walk to the car, kicking out one leg and adjusting himself slightly on the way.
I felt amused, breathless, and guilty in equal measure. I turned and walked to the door of the apartment that Al and I were pretending to live at together.
Chapter 19
I WALKED INTO the apartment, still in a daze from the sparks the kiss aroused. Seeing Alex on the couch looking hurt was like a vat of cold water on me. I sobered quickly from my Ben high.
Alex had broken up with me. He had no right to be hur— Okay, that was seriously weak. The truth was I shouldn’t have kissed Ben.
I knew I shouldn’t have kissed him, and yet I wanted it more than anything, and was sort of glad I did. Hell, Jix was currently yowling at me for not going back to Ben’s house and finishing what we’d started.
I didn’t have the energy to deal with Alex, so I grabbed a bottle of whiskey and headed for my room. Because good decisions were obviously not in the cards for me tonight I decided to numb myself a bit.
“I can smell him on you,” Al said as I walked past.
I kept my head held high.
He stood and followed me. I was going to let it go, but, instead, I turned around.
“First off, that’s fucking creepy. Second, you have no right to say anything. Not that I owe you an explanation, but, we kissed. That was all.”
“Oh, sure, that was all. It always starts with a kiss, Sam. I knew this would happen. I’m sure you two will be very happy together.” He pulled the door shut, robbing me of the chance to slam it.
No! Fuck that! I yanked the door open.
“If you’d have stopped pushing me away for a single God damned minute and sat and talked with me, you’d know that I wouldn’t ever let it go any further because I love you, you unbelievable dickhead, and this only happened because you broke up with me and I got shitfaced.” I was really hoping he would get it through his thick skull, but once a Cro-Magnon jerkwad, always a Cro-Magnon jerkwad.
Though, looking at it through sober eyes, I know I was in the wrong here.
“I’m the dickhead?”
“Yeah.” I stuck my tongue out at him, trying to lighten things up.
“You kiss the very man that is the reason we fought so much and I’m the dickhead? Fuck you, Sam. I hope you remember all of this when you sober up.” He shook his head and walked down the hall.
I considered going after him, but figured he could use the cool down time. We both could. Instead, I cracked the bottle because, let’s face it, sometimes getting shitfaced is the perfect way to ignore your problems and create all kinds of new ones. It’d done me a lot of good so far. Pardon the sarcasm there.
Although, sometimes, it’s damn well nice to escape reality for a while. A quarter of the way through the bottle I found the courage to go out to the living room and confront Alex. I was going to tell him exactly what I thought of his stupid antiquated caveman bullshit. It didn’t matter what he thought about my feelings for Ben, I wanted to be with him and he was just going to have to accept that.
I marched into the living room, only bumping my shin once, and tripping over the carpet twice.
“You need to understand something here, buddy—” I broke off when I saw him lying on the couch, fast asleep.
Damn. I worked hard on the drunken speech I had prepared and was beginning to forget the words to.
I stopped and looked at him. He looked so adorable all tucked in and sleeping. There was a cute little smile on his face and he whispered my name in his sleep. My heart hurt. I just wished he would trust that I knew what I wanted.
Ben had muddied the waters between Alex and I, but it would always be Alex for me. My kissing Ben was a huge mistake, one that I was going to have to deal with in the morning. For now, I was drunk and determined to have a bit of fun. I went back to my room and put on some music, not too loud, and danced until I felt like I had to sleep or I’d die.
I was grateful the laundry room was underneath me. Neighbors probably would have thought I was having a seizure. I love to dance, but I’m not exactly the most graceful of beings. Sometimes you don’t have to be because it’s the expression that is important and not what it looks like.
Or so I tell myself to calm my spastic Elaine Benes grooving ass.
Then I sat and puzzled over the problem at hand. Why was someone killing AWFA members? Was it just a fluke? Maybe one of their own with a score to settle? There was serious rage and hatred in these kills, but there was no evidence of it being done by a shifter or other super. Chances were pretty good this guy was a human, or, if he was a super, he was controlling himself extremely well.
All that blood and fear in the air and he didn’t shift and tear into them. The scenes were precise and there were no fingerprints as there had been at the Grisly scenes. This guy, or gal, knew what they were doing. There had to be something more than just the anti-super aspects of AWFA causing this hatred. The cruelty I saw at those scenes could only come from a mind full of darkness and malintent.
I felt sick as I recalled the corpses. Really sick. I dashed for the bathroom, making it just in time.
> I spent the next half an hour passing between puking and dry heaving. It was a night full of stupid decisions that had brought me naught but huge regrets and tons of worry. I brushed my teeth, carefully, and made my way to bed.
When the need for sleep overcame the worry, and all the massive regrets, I closed my eyes and let it take me.
* * *
I WOKE AS birds attempted to grind their loud evil shrieks into my poor swollen brain. I was smart enough to slowly open one eyelid, instead of opening them both at once.
Light jabbed into my eye socket and my head pounded harder.
“Good morning, Starshine!” Alex’s cheery voice grated against my skull, making me long for death and a few dozen aspirin.
“Why do you hate me, demon?” I hissed and dove back under the covers on realizing it was six thirty in the morning.
“We have a meeting in an hour and a half. I thought I should get you up and feeling better before it went down.” He saved his life by handing me a cup of coffee with cream.
“Bless you, kind man.”
“Oh, sure, five seconds ago I was a demon and now I’m a kind man?”
“A gift of coffee equals upgrade in status; shut up and deal.” I wrapped my hands tightly around the mug and inhaled deeply before taking a sip.
“I’ll make you a greasy egg sandwich. That’ll help absorb some of that whiskey. Holy fuck, you drank half a bottle?”
“Don’t lecture me, Alex. Not today.”
“Someone needs to. Christ, Sammy.”
“You lost the chance to be the one to lecture me.” My voice quavered and I cleared my throat to cover.
“Fair enough. I’ll go make you that sandwich so we can get started for the day.” There was a look of hurt on his face that made me feel like the kid at the end of Old Yeller, if that kid had had a hangover.
“Thank you.” I stood to pick out some clothes and became acutely aware of the fact that I was naked. Fuck.
I grabbed the sheet and drew it up to me, wrapping it behind me as I went.
“You’re not making this easy.”
“Hey, I haven’t been easy in years.” I blinked as I realized what I’d just said. I followed it up with, “Let me know when you’re ready to level up again.”
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. In no way was that slick. Not in any culture, or any century. I held my smile and moved to the dresser for a pair of clean underwear.
Of course, being me, I tripped over my horribly designed sheet-dress and pin-wheeled for a moment before falling back on my ass. I stood up, making sure everything was covered and tried to ignore his silent laughter. I would’ve laughed, too. This was like something out of a Marx Brothers’ film. Instead of completing my journey to the dresser, I chose to sit on the edge of the bed and wait for Al to leave.
“I’ll just go and…,” he broke off into gales of laughter before quieting down and finishing, “… make that sandwich for you. Sorry. I just … you’re so … I can’t–” Fresh waves of laughter cut his words off and he walked out of the room holding his belly and chortling.
Not exactly the start I wanted for my day. I also wasn’t looking forward to my next meeting with Ben. I felt guilty for taking advantage of him. I hadn’t meant to, but that’s pretty much what had happened.
Stupid jaguar.
Do not blame me because you acknowledged your own feelings.
I acknowledged your feelings, not mine.
Keep lying to yourself, Sam. She stalked off.
Regardless of what happened, I needed to apologize to Ben. Giving into those feelings that came with our bond, even just a kiss, had felt so right that it made me a little uncomfortable. He wasn’t a bad guy or anything, it just felt wrong to be so completely attracted to someone you don’t know.
Grabbing some clothes from the dresser, I dropped the sheet to get dressed when my door opened and Alex walked in.
“Get out!” I hollered, as I tried to cover myself. Bending over to grab the sheet was a no-go as he was looking at me through his tiger’s eyes.
I hated when our cats took over. I had to keep eye contact until he looked away or I’d lose the dominance battle.
The rough part was, seeing him standing there looking at me, completely naked and trying to awkwardly cover myself with only my hands and arms, I wasn’t sure he would be able to look away. Hell, I wasn’t a hundred percent sure I wanted him to.
“I … uh….”
“Go, please.” I said it a little softer and less demanding while still keeping eye contact, hoping he would get a bit better control over his cat.
“You—”
“Please.”
“Damn it, Sam.”
“You’re the one who walked away from me. You need to do it again, now.” It was a harsh reminder, but a necessary one.
I wouldn’t be anyone’s toy. This strengthened my resolve and I allowed my own cat to come forward a bit, hissing slightly. Jix telling his tiger to back off.
His brow knit and his lips were pressed so tightly together they turned white. Slowly, too slowly, his eyes went back to human and he turned away from me and walked out of my bedroom door, closing it behind him.
I heard his exhale on the other side. I was listening as the long shaky breath escaped him. Then I heard him as he let go of the doorknob and walked away.
“Fuck,” I whispered. Sometimes it’s the only word eloquent enough to describe the situation properly. I shakily began the process of choosing clothes. What a great start to my day, a hangover, and the lady’s version of blue balls.
Lovely.
It was compounded by a text from Ben telling me we needed to talk. I texted him back, “I can’t do this now. I’m sorry about last night. It was a mistake.”
Then I took three ibuprofens and began getting dressed. I knew Al still had feelings for me, and this was ludicrous. His reasoning of why we couldn’t be together, was pure undeniable bullshit. His own reactions to seeing me in all my awkwardly nude glory belied his words that he didn’t want me because I was Ben’s.
I found my bra hanging on the lamp in the corner and put it on. Drunk me had a lot of fun last night. Sober me was going to have a really bad day. I both envied and hated drunk me.
I wasn’t looking forward to the meeting. I knew it could always be worse, but having to spend time with your ex right after he dumped you was never going to be raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens. I took a few deep breaths to center myself and opened the door with a polite fake smile, ready to face Alex in all our awkwardness.
“Hey, you ready to hit it? I know we’ve got over a half an hour, but the traffic report says 280 is a beast today.” He handed me a homemade English muffin with egg, sausage, and cheese.
“Yeah.” Was that Asiago? It smelled so good.
My stomach roared at me. So, he wanted to play it like nothing happened. Fine by me. I’ll adult the hell out of this. Nobody will ever say Sam Reece broke down over someone. Nope, I’ll show him how fine I am.
“Okay, let’s go.” His cheery tone was annoying the crap out of me.
“After you, Mary Fucking Sunshine.”
“Look, Sam, don’t be angry, I just realize there are things more important than my wants and needs.”
“Oh, well, in that case, welcome to adulthood.” I walked past him and had to restrain to keep from hissing.
He’d hurt me, which really upset Jix, and she didn’t calm down as easily as I did.
“Sam, come on, you’ll see I was right. You will be so much better off without me. You and Ben are made for each other.”
“You’re such a bull-shitter.”
“No, I mean it. I’m not good for you. I saw you with Ben. You deserve a life with a husband and kids.”
“Did I ever fucking say I wanted a husband and kids?”
“No.”
“So, what the fuck, Al?”
“You’re better off without me. That’s all. I’ll just end up fucking it all up. Besides you and Ben belong with
each other.”
“I can’t do this with you again, especially right now. Let’s go to the meeting and afterwards you can tell me what happened to make you go all batshit insane on me.”
“Sam, I love you and I want you to be happy. You aren’t happy with me. I see the way you are with Ben. It’s natural and effortless. As much as I want you, I can’t be a jaguar.”
“I’m not asking you to be. I am asking for you to be you. I love you, Al, and what Ben and I have is the furthest thing from natural I know. Effortless is not right.”
“Maybe it’s more right than you know.” Pain flashed over his face and he turned away from me.
“Shut it, Alex. You are what is right for me. You’re the one I want, the one I choose. When will you believe in that, and me? I’m sick and tired of doing this.”
“I do believe in you, Sam. I do. I just can’t see you with him and not see how well the two of you fit together.”
“No, you see my jaguar and his communing. I can’t deny I have an attraction to Ben, I never have denied it. What I deny is that it will impact us in any way. I promise to stay away from him.”
“I saw you kissing him. It’s not something I can easily get out of my head. Worse was the look of utter joy on your face as you did. I asked you for time because I need that time and space. I truly don’t think you and I should be together—at least not right now.”
“You fucking suck. You aren’t listening to me and you’re pulling this think-you-know-better-because-you’re-the-man bullshit and I’m calling you on it. Yes, I kissed Ben. In doing so I made a huge mistake and broke your trust. I get that. I am asking if you can forgive me for that mistake and stop projecting your belief that Ben is my other half onto me. Because, honestly, I don’t believe Ben and I are soul mates. I don’t think he and I are fated to be. I think you and I are, you dumbass.” Head throbbing, I grabbed my badge out of the kitchen junk drawer and put it in my pocket.
“You do?”
“Yeah, I think we kept each other at our best over the years for each other. You make me a happier person. Mostly.” I smiled, but I felt exhausted and nauseous, and it wasn’t as bright as it could be.
Risk Page 14
