Is He Cheating

by Lisa Daily

  Where to look: In the glove box, under the seats, inside the trunk, behind the sun visors, in the center/ceiling consoles, door pockets, the pockets on the seat backs, under the floor mats, stuffed in between the bench seat in the back, in the cup holders, in the spare tire compartment, and in the tool/jack compartment.

  Searching the bedroom

  It is crushing to think that your partner might be cheating on you in your own bed, but you’d be surprised how often it happens. Take a photo before you leave for work each day, making note of placement of pillows, etc.

  What to look for: Wet spots on the bed, fluid spots on sheets visible under a black light (this works best if you just changed the sheets that morning), body hair not belonging to either of you; used condoms and condom wrappers; “used” towels, sex toys; photographs; jewelry that doesn’t belong to you. Receipts, especially those from odd areas of town, out of town, or where he paid cash; articles of clothing that don’t belong to either of you, especially underwear; your partner’s clothing, especially if it smells like a perfume/cologne that neither of you wear, has clearish-white stains on it, smells like an unfamiliar body odor; clothes with make-up smudges on them not caused by you; gifts like a new tie you didn’t buy him or other love tokens. If you have access to the car, be sure to check his mileage as well. Write it down in your journal so that you can check it against where he says he’s been.

  Where to look: On the floor; behind the bed and stuffed under the headboard; under the mattress; under the bed; in the trash; in his closet; in the pockets of his laundry and the clothes in his closet; under and behind all the furniture, in his nightstand. Don’t forget to search his closet! At the end of this chapter, you’ll find information on inexpensive wireless surveillance cameras, which can be helpful if you suspect that your partner may be cheating on you in your own home.

  His laundry. More specifically, his underwear.

  If you’ve found what you think might be semen stains on his underwear or your sheets, a national DNA testing company, Infidelity DNA Testing provides a fairly sophisticated technique to determine if there is semen or female DNA present on a piece of clothing, such as underwear or panties. If there is semen or female DNA, they can then run a test to see if the body fluid belongs to you, or another woman.

  The cost for the DNA service is about $200, and if it comes back positive, for another $215, you can get a comparison test which will compare your DNA to the detected DNA, smashing any alibi he might have, and giving you definitive, legal, can’t-lie-your-way-out-of-this-one-buddy, scientific proof.

  About 40% of clients of infidelity testing are female, and 30% of the infidelity tests performed by the company find positive evidence of cheating.

  Searching the bathroom

  Take a photo before you leave each day making note of how objects are placed, the number of towels, etc. Check to make sure things are in the same place when you get home if the house should have been empty all day long.

  What to look for: Extra used towels/washcloths; a toothbrush that doesn’t belong to either of you; receipts, especially those from odd areas of town, out of town, or where he paid cash; used condoms and condom wrappers — check the toilet; stains on towels or on the floor; body hairs not belonging to either of you; water on the shower floor or inside the sink when no one was supposed to be home all day.

  Where to look: In the trash; under the sink; in the cabinets, drawers, and inside the medicine cabinet; in the linen closet; in the hamper; on the floor; in the toilet as well as behind it and inside the tank; inside the shower or tub.

  Gathering more evidence:

  Follow the money

  Cheating is expensive and one of the easiest ways to get hard evidence is to take a good hard look at the finances. If the cheater is your spouse, this may prevent him from diverting as much money away from your joint accounts as he can before you catch on.

  Where you should look: Bank statements, investment statements, credit report, statements for new bank accounts or credit cards that have recently been opened. If you have the opportunity, you may want to check his wallet for new bankcards you’re unaware of.

  What you should look for: Higher than usual cash withdrawals; withdrawals at an ATM that is outside his usual path or out of town; withdrawals in one place when he told you he was somewhere else; money being diverted or transferred to another account that you’re not aware of; new accounts being opened without your knowledge; charges for gifts or flowers that you didn’t receive; charges for restaurants you are unfamiliar with; charges for common cheating websites such as Ashley Madison. (An EFT debit may appear that says “AshlyMadsn” but there are other sneakier options to pay as well) Currently, would-be cheaters purchase 100 credits for $55. So, if you see repeated charges for $55 on your checking statement, you should probably track them down. Other cheating sites to watch for are Gleeden.com, IllicitEncounters.com, Sugardaddie.com, Affairsclub.com, AdultFriendFinder.com and Marrieddatelink.com

  His cell phone bill and his phone if you can get it

  The cell phone and cell bill can be a goldmine of information when you’re looking for evidence of cheating. Depending on the type of phone he has, you can track his calls with a SIM or SMART card reader. Be sure to find out which kind of memory device his phone has before choosing one of these surveillance devices. In lieu of that, you can always scroll through his call history, frequently called numbers, and favorites. Write down anything in your journal that concerns you. If you see phone numbers that are questionable to you, block your own number first and call. You may hit pay dirt, or you may find that your spouse is contacting escort services or massage parlors.

  What you’re looking for: Numbers you don’t recognize that are called repeatedly, at odd hours (i.e.- the middle of the night), and/or numbers that have a long call duration. Provocative text messages. Write down anything suspicious in your journal and snap a photo of it with your camera/Smartphone. You also want to check his speed dial or favorites list for anything suspicious. Many times a man will hide his lover’s phone number by listing it under a friend’s name, the name of a restaurant or hotel, or a “code name” or inside joke just between the two of them. Snap a photo with your Smartphone, and write down every detail you can in your journal (name and number, frequency and time of day of calls, etc.)

  If your guy has an iPhone, you can enable a little feature called “Find my phone” which will locate your iPhone on a map. Handy if you’d like to find the guy carrying the phone as well. To set up “Find my phone” go to settings, select iCloud, and enable “Find My Phone.” Then, when you misplace your iPhone or your guy, you can simply log onto iCloud.com from any computer web browser or use the Find My Phone APP on another iPhone (say, yours), iPad, or iPod Touch to display the phone’s location on a map. Watch for patterns, check to see if there’s an unusual or certain address he visits regularly. Then, show up and stake it out.

  Blackberry also has a Find My Phone app, but it has to be installed on the phone where your guy might see it. If you do install the app, put it in folders where he’d be least likely to notice it.

  If your guy doesn’t have an iPhone, you can always buy him one for his birthday.

  Regarding cell phone surveillance, please beware of a company or product called Cell Control that promises to let you hear phone conversations and read texts on your partner’s phone. Cell Control is a scam. They know this is the most difficult time in your life and that you’re desperate to know the truth, so they take advantage of you when you’re at your most vulnerable.

  His computer

  If your man is cheating, his computer is another hotbed of information. Men employ a number of tricks when cheating online. Sometimes they install an alternate web browser so that when you check their browsing history, nothing comes up but the usual news sites and sports scores, while all the smutty stuff is logged on a hidden browser that they only use for cheating activities. Spokeo.com can help if he’s stupid enough to use his real email
address, more likely he’s using a throwaway account. Frequently they’ll open a new, secret email account that they use to communicate with their lover, and browse dating and adultery sites. After searching for evidence, make sure you leave his computer exactly as you found it.

  What you’re looking for: When you have the opportunity, check his browsing history and cookies for dating sites, web-based email accounts (Gmail, Yahoo, freemail, etc), and Internet chats. If he is particularly good at hiding what he’s been doing, key-logging software is fairly inexpensive, and can be invaluable for recording every single site, IM chat, password, and email correspondence. It is crucial that this be done on a shared computer and not a private or work computer.

  There are two types of key loggers, one is web-based, the other is a simple device that looks like a USB device and plugs into the USB port (helpful if he has a desktop computer with ports in the back.) Either are incredibly effective in getting you the evidence you need. Be careful, some software can be easily detected by your mate, especially if he is trying to cover his tracks. There is a list of the most effective key loggers at the end of this chapter.

  Finally, try Googling his name on your computer. You’ll be surprised at what you find.

  His wallet

  Men keep a variety of things in their wallets, many of which can help you to unravel his recent behavior. Some men will obtain a new credit card, or bank account and have the statement sent to his office, so that they can pay for affair-related gifts, dinners, and hotel rooms without you ever finding out.

  What you’re looking for: First, look for a secret compartment. Many men buy a wallet with a secret pocket or compartment when they begin to cheat. Look for new credit or debit cards that are unfamiliar to you, especially pre-loaded debit cards that are not attached to any account, but may be loaded and re-loaded with cash; slips of paper with unfamiliar telephone numbers or email addresses; receipts for restaurants, hotels, or gifts, especially those in an area of town that he does not commonly go to. Write down anything you find in your cheating journal — dates, times, amount spent, and location.

  The surprise visit

  One of the best ways to gather information is the surprise attack — where you show up when he’s least expecting it, and insert yourself in his plans. Pay close attention to what comes next, but never let him know that you’re suspicious.

  Show up at his workplace unexpectedly

  His workplace is the cheating red zone, it’s ground zero for most infidelity. Remember, 70% of affairs start at work.

  It can be very effective to show up at his workplace unexpectedly and tell him you wanted to surprise him for lunch. Is he glad to see you? Or does he seem anxious and nervous? Pay attention to his coworkers and his assistant if he has one. Are they looking at you with pity? Do they seem VERY surprised to see you? While you’re at his workplace, pay close attention to everything he says and does — he may need to call, text, or email the woman he’s cheating with to tell her he can’t meet her, which will be pretty tough with you in the room. Be as nice as you possibly can at his workplace, one of his co-workers (especially one who’s been cheated on herself!) may sympathize and either become your ally or provide you with information on your spouse’s activities. Be especially kind to anyone who seems sympathetic. Can’t hurt, might help.

  While this can be a very effective technique, you don’t want to use it more than once or twice. First, this is his place of business, and if you’re wrong about his infidelity, you certainly don’t want to endanger his job. Second, if you don’t find anything on the first visit, you’re far less likely to find anything on subsequent visits. He’ll be better prepared next time.

  Once you’re at the restaurant for lunch, does he excuse himself to the restroom and take his phone with him? As he stands up, ask him if you can borrow it for a minute while he’s gone because yours is dead. Gauge his reaction. Remember, write down everything that happens in your journal.

  Show up at the airport unexpectedly when he’s coming home from a trip

  Surprise! Go inside the airport as he is returning from a trip and get as close to the security check point as you possibly can. If you see him walking with someone, snap a photo as quickly as you can. Watch their body language when they’re together. (Are they leaning towards each other, are their hands or arms touching or close enough to almost touch?) Make sure you have a big smile plastered on your face, even if he’s walking with someone else. Wave to him, wave to her, and watch them react. If there’s something going on, they’ll separate quickly. As soon as they pass the security check, give him a big hug and introduce yourself to her. If you don’t know her, politely (no jealousy!) ask her name, and ask her how the two of them know each other. Pay attention to their reactions as she answers. Then, once you get home, write every single detail you can remember in your journal.

  Come home early

  Tell your guy you’re going to be in meetings all day and that you won’t be home until 9 or 10 at night, or tell him you’re going out of town and won’t be back until the next day. And then, show up hours or days early instead — when he’s not expecting you. Watch his demeanor, does he seem nervous or anxious that you came home early? Or is he happy to see you? This is the perfect time to casually check out the closet, the bathroom, and the bedroom (especially behind the bed, or under the mattress.) If you surprised him, it’s possible he didn’t have a chance to properly dispose of evidence. Casually check the closet as well. It may be a cliché, but it’s a cliché for a reason.

  Consider coworkers first, then friends and family

  Men tend to have affairs with women they have proximity to. It’s rarely ever just a stranger, it’s nearly always someone the two of you know socially, or someone he knows from work. (As I mentioned, 70% of the time it’s someone from his job.) Pay extra attention to his behavior in social situations, is he avoiding someone he used to be comfortable around? They could be staying apart in an effort to keep you from getting suspicious. Does he seem too familiar with someone from work, or a family friend? Write down anything that makes you feel uncomfortable in your cheating journal. Even if you’re not sure why. Trust your gut.

  Gauge his reaction to natural questions

  Smile and nonchalantly ask him, “Who was that who just called?” Watch his reaction and write it down in your journal.

  Casually inquire, “Why are you home so late tonight?” or “Where did you go after work?” or “Was your phone turned off? I tried to call you” and pay attention to not only what he says, but also his reaction, and how he responds to the question. Does he seem nervous or angry? Or does he answer automatically, with no hint of deception? Write it all down in your journal.

  Ask detachedly, “Who are you going with?” and gauge his reaction. Write it down in your journal.

  Follow him

  It is up to you entirely whether you want to play Stephanie Plum and follow him to see where he goes. A word to the wise, it’s easier to tail someone without getting caught at night. If you do decide to follow him, make sure you don’t get caught. Borrow a friend’s car; wear big sunglasses and a baseball cap if you’re out in the day. And if you do get caught, make sure you have a cover story at the ready. A better alternative might be to watch where he goes online or on your phone via the vehicle tracking device, and then confirm once he’s been parked for a while. You may even catch him coming out.

  If you’re not finding anything

  If you’ve searched and shown up everywhere and you’re still not finding anything, you might want to re-evaluate why you’ve been feeling threatened or suspicious in the relationship. Is this a common pattern for you? Do you nearly always feel like the person you’re with might be cheating on you? If so, you might want to consider talking with a therapist or counselor to work through in more detail the reasons you’re feeling the way you’re feeling. Sometimes, it can be really helpful to have an outside perspective.

  If you don’t have a history of feeling jealous in
your relationships, and this feeling you’re having that something isn’t right is persisting, trust your gut and continue your search for evidence.

  Hiring a private investigator

  At some point you may decide that you don’t have the stomach to conduct an investigation yourself. Or, you may have come up empty on evidence on your own, but still be feeling that there’s something more there that you just can’t put your finger on.

  If you do choose to hire a private investigator, get references and select someone licensed. It will cost you anywhere from $200 -$1000 locally, depending on the situation.

  Tools to help in your investigation:

  Portable, wireless video surveillance