Is He Cheating

by Lisa Daily

  Low cost, real time GPS tracker with advanced features

  Easy to use vehicle tracker with magnet to attach to underside of car

  Another good vehicle tracker -iTrail GPS Data Logger, easily hidden in car/backpack

  Sperm/Body Fluid Detection Ultraviolet Flashlight

  CheckMate Infidelity Test Kit: UV Light and Semen Tester Kit

  Semen Detection Test Strips, Infidelity Test Kit (5 pack)

  Semen Detection Test (25 pack)

  Key logging software - allows you to monitor computer and phone activity, see everything from anywhere

  USB Key logger that looks like a regular USB drive

  USB Key logger — easier to install, but more conspicuous

  SIM card reader — retrieves call records from cell phone SIM card

  Smartphone SMART card & SIM card reader

  Infidelity DNA Testing

  *Not every tool is legal in every situation; check laws in your area before proceeding.

  Chapter 6: Is porn the same as cheating?

  As you search for clues to explain your partner’s suspicious behavior, you may have discovered that he’s been viewing a lot of Internet porn. Surprisingly (or maybe not,) 25%-30% of all Internet searches are porn-related.

  Every week I receive a number of letters from women upset that their boyfriends or husbands are engaged in an online lust-fest. They ask, “Is cybersex really cheating?” “Does it mean he loves me less?” “Is looking at porn on the Internet the same as flirting with someone anonymously in a chat room?”

  Most women (92%) believe that cybersex is cheating. Here’s the rub: most men (54%, according to Divorce Magazine,) believe it’s not.

  Sure, typing words on a keyboard is not exactly the same thing as making out with a stranger in a bar after too many cosmopolitans, or sleeping with a coworker on a business trip. Unfortunately, what women seem to understand that men frequently do not, is that online relationships mean intimacy between two real people, whether they are in the same room (or Jacuzzi) or not.

  Lots of guys use Internet flirting or cybersex as a sort of interactive girly magazine, and frankly, they leave their emotions at the bathroom door. The problem is that to women, both the woman in their lives and the woman on the other end of the Facebook profile, the interaction is real. A cyber-relationship holds promise, and to a wife or girlfriend that promise feels like a very real threat.

  There’s more. According to recent studies, evidence proves there is a high correlation between online cybersex and subsequent real-time sexual affairs. The same study stated that a whopping 31% of people have had an online conversation that has led to real-time sex.

  Which means that cybersex, whether you think of it as cheating or not, poses a real hazard to relationships. Most women report that when they find out their partner has been viewing Internet porn, it makes them feel worthless, ugly, deceived, and like less of a woman.

  So, what can you do to protect your relationship against cyber-porn? Well, your best defense is to let your partner know exactly what your position is. (More on confrontation in Chapter 9.) He’ll either respect your feelings, or he won’t. (Which is telling in itself.) But either way, you’ll know where you stand, and exactly the type of person you’re with.

  If you are still searching for firm evidence your man is cheating, you shouldn’t bring up the issue of cyber-sex until you’re ready to confront him on everything. Once again, if he knows you’re snooping around, he’ll be more cautious, and consequently, more difficult to pin down.

  Does it count as cheating if we’ve never met?

  Once you confront them, many men will claim that flirting with an old girlfriend on Facebook, cybersex, engaging in sexting, or conducting a virtual relationship that only exists in a chat room is not cheating if they‘ve never hooked up in person. 92% of women disagree. Online relationships ARE cheating, if they feel like cheating to you. Don’t let him get away with telling you it isn’t cheating because they’ve never met in person. Emotional infidelity is still infidelity.

  If you are among the 8% of women who think it’s perfectly fine for your guy to have cybersex, more power to you. Just be cautious — often, online hookups lead to real-time sex.

  Chapter 7: The real reason why he’s cheating on you

  Okay, so as much as you were hoping to prove his innocence, the evidence you’ve found telling a different story. The more you search, the more you find. There is no longer much doubt in your mind that he’s being unfaithful.

  At this point, you’ve probably spent many sleepless nights wondering who the other woman is, or what she has that you don’t, or how this all happened.

  If you’re like most women, you’re probably wondering what, if anything, you could have done to protect yourself from this.

  Most men who cheat do so for two reasons: Either they’re predisposed to cheat (and have probably been cheating on you —and every other person they’ve ever been with -- all along) or they’re faced with a situation in which the opportunity to cheat presents itself. One type of husband is looking for any opportunity to fool around, the other sort of backs into it. The always-trolling-for-sex guy generally can’t be reformed — screwing around is just hardwired into his DNA. As for the man who had three drinks too many at the trade show and ended up in bed one time with his sales rep, and has felt like crap about it every minute of the day since it happened — that guy means it when he says he’s sorry, he’ll willingly go to counseling with you, and he’s far more likely to refrain from ever cheating again.

  Generally when a man cheats, it’s about his fear, his insecurity, his lack of control or his unwillingness to check his libido. It’s not your actions that cause your man to cheat, even if he blames you for it later —unless it’s some sort of retaliation for infidelity on your part. Lots of women have the feeling that they’re not good enough — if you’d been a better wife or girlfriend, or sexier, or more attentive, or gave him more blow jobs, that your partner wouldn’t have looked elsewhere. But the truth is, men generally cheat because they don’t feel good about themselves, or because they believe they won’t get caught and their wives will never know.

  The real reason he’s cheating on you doesn’t have anything at all to do with you. It’s all about him, and his insecurities, and his failings, his selfishness, and his lack of respect and self-control.

  It’s not because you’re not good enough or smart enough or pretty enough.

  It’s not about you.

  Remember that, and hold your head high as you confront him.

  Chapter 8: How to Be A Human Lie Detector

  Almost everybody lies.

  We tell Aunt Edna that we’d love to come to her nursing home’s 4-hour musical production of Best Little Whorehouse in Texas on Thursday night, but our boss is making us work late. We call ourselves “athletic”, when the only sports we actively participate in occur via television broadcast, riding a Barcalounger while balancing a plate of jalapeno nachos. And, sometimes we prune just enough birthdays off our age to bump us down to the next lowest age bracket.

  There are basically two types of lies: Lies by omission (allowing someone to believe something that isn’t true) and lies of commission (telling someone a lie.)

  Experts agree that lying by commission (telling an outright lie) is considered worse. Gregory Hartley, former military interrogator and co-author of the book How To Spot A Liar: Why People Don’t Tell the Truth… and How You Can Catch Them warns, “No lie can stand alone. Your life is like a photo album. Lies, which are typically not well thought out, are more like a snapshot, and lack detail to relate to the rest of the album. To sustain a lie you must tell other lies. Before you know it, deception is rampant.”

  Studies show that only 6% of men will tell the truth if you ask them if they are cheating. Which means you need to be able to tell the difference between a lie and the truth, whether he’s cooperating or not.

  Get a baseline

  You need to be awar
e of what he does when he’s acting normally, and how he generally behaves when he’s telling the truth. This is his baseline, his normal. You‘ll need to know his baseline so that you can recognize when he behaves unusually, or responds to a question differently than his usual. Does he make eye contact when you’re talking to him? How about when he’s answering a non-threatening question (For example, at a restaurant, “How’s your steak?” or “How is your sister liking her new job?”) Whether he makes eye contact or doesn’t make eye contact, whether he smiles when he talks or doesn’t, whether he speaks fast or slow, whether he pauses before he speaks or starts speaking immediately, whether he crosses his arms or he doesn’t cross his arms does not particularly matter. What matters is that you figure out his pattern of behavior when he has NO REASON AT ALL TO LIE. The way he consistently behaves when he’s telling the truth is your baseline. Every time you ask him a generic, non-threatening question, write down his response in your journal. Pay very close attention. Write down what he says, how he says it, and any body language clues that you notice.

  You. The human lie detector

  Once you’ve established his baseline behavior after a few days or weeks, you can begin to ask him questions about things that matter. When you ask him where he was after work, for instance, you may notice that he speaks more quickly, or adds much less detail than in his baseline. You may notice he snaps at you in a way that is different than his baseline. Perhaps his body language is different, or his eye contact is different, or the sound of his voice is different. If you have done your homework, and studied his baseline, you should usually be able to tell the difference between when he is lying, and when he is telling you the truth. The key to spotting a lie is that he will behave differently when he is lying to you than he behaves in his baseline. When you ask him a hot-button question such as “Bethany mentioned that she saw you downtown yesterday afternoon, what were you doing way down there?” and he responds by breaking eye contact, or offering fewer details than usual, or shuffling his feet, write that down in your journal as well — note his behavior and body language when you believe him to be lying. Does he blink, swallow, or scratch when he didn’t before? He may have a “tell.”

  It is important to note that most people believe that someone who is lying to them will avoid looking them in their eyes, or will shift uncomfortably in their seat, or wave their hands around nervously. This is simply not true. In fact, some studies have found that a person is more likely to look you directly in the eye if they are lying to you, because they’ve heard the same thing and want to be perceived as telling the truth. The only behavior that tells you that a person is lying is a different behavior. A deviation from their baseline.

  Lie detection when you confront him - verbal clues

  When you confront him about cheating (we’re almost there, I’ll give you step by step instructions in Chapter 9) you should pay very close attention to the implicit words your mate is choosing to use when you confront him about what you know. Does he say something like, “I know you can’t believe I’m telling you the truth!” Or does he say, “I don’t believe you think I’m lying to you!” It is highly likely he’s being truthful with the first sentence (his statement literally contains the words “I’m telling the truth.”) With the second sentence, it’s far more likely that he’s lying to you. (His statement is focused around the phrase, “I’m lying to you.”) The truth seeps out.

  Next, pay special attention if he laughs unexpectedly when you ask him if he’s been cheating on you. It’s a serious subject, isn’t it? Why is he laughing? Nerves? Is he buying time to concoct a response?

  When detecting a person’s lies, it is critical to pay attention to the words he uses. What signals does your partner use when he’s lying? From a logical standpoint, people realize that the more information they give away when they lie, the more likely they are to trip themselves up and get caught. As a result, liars say a whole lot less (and provide fewer details) than truth-tellers do. We use about half the number of words in a lie as we do when telling the truth.

  We also have been taught from a very early age that lying is wrong, so most people will distance themselves psychologically from their own lies — they tend to use many fewer references to themselves (”I”) in a lie than they do when telling the truth. If you’re having trouble discerning when your partner is lying when you’re speaking with him, try recording the conversation instead. In a study, participants were correct more than 70% of the time when they simply listened to someone to discern whether they were lying or telling the truth.

  Listen for words that express emotion. A person is far less likely to use emotional words when he is lying, such as “hurt” or “scared” or “angry.” They are also less likely to use cognitive (thinking) words, such as “understand” or “comprehend” or “realize.”

  The word “BUT” should set off your alarm bells as well. He might say, “This is going to sound crazy BUT we just work together”

  Lie detection when you confront him - non-verbal clues

  When we’re in love, our bodies line up with each other’s. Your heart will face his heart, your head faces his head, your toes pointing at his toes. When you confront him about his cheating, or where he was on Thursday night, or what happened to all the overtime he was supposed to be earning, watch his body language carefully. Not only are you looking for a deviation from his baseline behavior, but you’ll also be looking for defensive behaviors as well. First, he’ll break the heart to heart, belly to belly line, and turn his body away from yours, or lean away from you. Shrugging his shoulder is an indicator that he is uncertain or not telling the full truth. If he crosses his arms in front of himself, or covers his genitals with his hands, he’s defensive.

  If you still can’t tell if he’s lying

  If you‘re having a rough time figuring out whether he’s telling the truth or not, focus on two things — his words and his baseline. If you’re still having trouble discerning lies from the truth, just work with what you know for sure. I know that it’s practically impossible to look at this situation from a purely analytical, rational perspective. It is your life we’re talking about, after all. Don’t be too rough on yourself if you’re having a hard time here, just move on. It’s far better to confront him with three rock-solid facts than seventeen strong hunches. You don’t need to know everything that happened right now. You just need to know enough to elicit his confession.

  Put it all together

  Now is the time when you take out your journal and put together all the evidence you’ve collected so far: Any physical evidence you might have found, call logs, any research on the other woman, notes on where he said he was versus where he actually was, situations in which you believe strongly that he was lying, vehicle tracking evidence, etc -- and put the whole thing together on the kitchen table like a puzzle. Try to piece together a timeline the best you can. If you find holes in your research, go back and scour the records and your journal again for any other bits of information on that particular day/trip/event.

  Your partner will attempt to lie or downplay your accusations by telling you it was nothing, or that he was just flirting or messing around, or that it was all just some great big misunderstanding. This is why you need to anticipate every excuse you can think of that your partner might concoct, and gather as much evidence as you can to counter his lies and excuses.

  Now that you have concrete evidence of what he’s been doing, you’re ready to get the answers you need.

  Take a deep breath.

  It’s all going to get better soon. Nothing is worse than what you’ve been living. You are strong and powerful and smart and beautiful and you deserve to be treated with dignity.

  Chapter 9: The Confrontation

  Before you confront him:

  One more deep breath. You want to be in the best possible position when you confront your partner. Before you say a single word to him about your suspicions, you need:

  Concrete evidence.r />
  If you don’t have enough yet, review your journal, go back to Chapter 5 and search for more. You can’t go into a confrontation guessing, or he’ll just lie his way out of trouble.

  A nest egg or private account in case you need to start over quickly

  You need to be prepared for the possibility that you’ll be starting over, especially if you have children. You know what you know, and you need to be prepared to move on if it comes to that. You may never need that money, but you need to have it.

  A plan for how you’ll be moving on with your life once you confront him.

  You need to go into the confrontation knowing exactly what you want out of it. Do you just want the truth before you leave him? Do you just want to know why it happened? Are you hoping he’ll beg for your forgiveness, end the affair, and promise to do whatever it takes to fix the relationship? Do you want him out of the house? Do you want him to stay? Decide what you want (answers or action) before you confront him. If you don’t know what you want, it’s highly unlikely that you’ll get it.

  Emotional support

  You need a close friend, a relative, or a therapist to support you before and after the confrontation. If you’re afraid for your safety or your children’s safety, forget the confrontation — just find a safe place to go, whether a shelter or staying with other family members, and forget telling him that you know he’s cheating. Risking your life for answers isn’t worth it. Besides, if you’re at the confrontation stage, you already know what you need to know.