Is He Cheating

by Lisa Daily

  Make sure you have a place to stay before you confront him.

  If things turn ugly or get too intense, you want to have some place to go. Even if you decide you want to stay with him and work it out, you should plan to stay somewhere else for a few nights after the confrontation to get yourself together. This is especially true if you have children — their home is going to be unbearably stressful for the next few days, it’s better to get them out of there to someplace they’re comfortable and feel safe —like grandma’s house.

  Contact a lawyer

  If you’re married, go see an attorney before you confront him. If money is a problem, contact legal aid, or a women’s shelter for a referral. Sometimes divorce attorneys offer a free initial consultation. Be sure to ask the attorney about all your options, what you should and should not do regarding evidence you’ve collected or are planning to collect. If you have children or own property or a business together, you want to know your options before you confront him on his infidelity.

  A woman I know had a husband who was unemployed for several years while his wife’s business was supporting their family. Instead of looking for work, he started an affair with the nanny. The wife kept trying to work things out, and the husband strung her along for two years while socking away money so he could move out with the nanny. The wife was angry for a long time — she’d essentially supported her cheating husband and his girlfriend for two years, while she worked AND took care of the kids. The good news is, once he moved out, both she and the children were a lot happier. The bad news is that she never got that money back. Talk to an attorney first, and protect yourself.

  Don’t confront the other woman before you confront him

  It’s tempting, for sure. I’m sure you’ve fantasized for weeks or months now about what you would say to (scream at) her, what you would ask her. It is a good idea to find out all you can about her via Facebook and Google and whatever else you can manage. But here’s the rub about confronting the other woman: odds are, she won’t give you the information you’re looking for. (Unless she’s just finding out about you too, her loyalty is with him, not you.) The most likely scenario is that she’ll tip him off that you’re on to him, which takes the control out of your hands and puts it right back in his.

  Make a list of what you want to say to him

  This is for you, it will help you get your thoughts in order, and make sure that you get all your questions answered. After everything leading up to this point, your emotions may get the best of you while you’re confronting him, so you need a clear idea what you want to ask or say before you talk to him.

  He’s more scared of you than you are of him

  The prospect of confronting him about what he’s been doing is terrifying, I know. But just know that as scared and fearful and sick to your stomach about confronting him on what he’s done as you are — he’s feeling twice that worrying about getting caught. Put the worry out of your mind, and put your plan in place. Once you start, it will be over before you know it.

  Confronting him:

  Don’t tell him everything you know

  Hold back some of your most important pieces of information — does he tell you the truth right away, or does he create a story that fits around the facts you’ve presented so far? (And still keeps him out of the dog house?) Keep some key information to reveal later. Also, don’t tell him how you obtained your information. The less he knows about what you know, and how you know it, the better.

  Don’t ask him if he’s cheating. Tell him you know he’s cheating.

  If you ask him if he’s cheating, his answer will almost always be no. You have the facts on your side, and you’re not going to let him wiggle out of this.

  Stand or sit up straight, look him right in the eye, and explain that you have proof of the infidelity. This allows you to get right to the meat of the discussion, rather than arguing about whether or not it’s true: Ask him, “How did this happen?” “What is he planning to do now that you know?” Tell him he must tell you the truth so that you can make an informed decision about what to do next.

  Control the conversation. If he asks you “How do you know that?” “What did you do, follow me?” “Have you been going through my stuff?” do not respond to his question, look him in the eye and simply repeat your own question. You will not be swayed from your mission. He may have been playing you for a fool for the last few months or years, but you are taking your power back RIGHT NOW. You are going to survive this and come out stronger on the other end. And you will never, never, be made a fool of again.

  If you’ve only found evidence of one person he’s cheating with, ask him if there is anyone else. If you’ve found evidence of multiple partners, ask him exactly how many people he’s sleeping with.

  If you are leaning towards staying with him

  Make it absolutely, 100% clear that cheating is not acceptable, that you will not tolerate it. Tell him in no uncertain terms that there will be serious repercussions if the cheating doesn’t stop immediately. If there is any chance at all that you might want him back, you need to challenge the relationship he has with the other woman. The longer it goes on between them, the stronger their connection becomes. He either ends it with her today, or you’re finished. Statistically, cheaters tend to be repeat offenders. If you do take him back, I’d make sure he feels the consequences before you let him back into your house or your bed.

  What he’ll say

  If he lies to you outright, simply shake your head “no” and say, “You and I both know that isn’t the truth.” He will wonder what else you know, which will greatly increase your chances of getting a straight confession out of him. If he still continues to deny, and it’s clear to you that he will not admit what he’s done, you can use one of your stronger pieces of evidence that you’ve withheld as leverage.

  As in, “I know, for example, that last week when you told me you were at a work dinner with your vendors that you actually spent three and a half hours at the Motel 6 on Highway 78 with a redhead.” Follow that up with, “I already know. You can either continue to lie to me, or you can tell me everything. Your call.”

  If he continues to lie and deny, you know that he’ll never be honest with you. You can either pretend to believe him or you can leave him.

  If he confesses to you, apologizes, breaks into tears, do everything you can to keep him on track and get all your questions answered. You’re on a mission here. Do not be swayed by his apology until you get the answers you came for.

  Remember, do not tell him everything you know. If you are married, you may need to hold back some of the more damning details you have (especially those that are blatant and legally obtained) in the event the two of you split up and you’re fighting for custody in family court.

  If he chooses the other woman

  It doesn’t happen very often (usually the incumbent has the advantage) but sometimes a man will use the fact that his affair is now out in the open to tell you that he’s leaving you for the other woman. (Why not? He figures you’re already mad at him, why not get it all done at once.) This does make it harder to deal with, because even if you don’t want him back, after he’s betrayed you, you probably want him to realize and feel sorry for what he’s done, not use his abhorrent behavior as a convenient exit strategy. Do take comfort in the fact that his karma will follow him into his next relationship. Statistically speaking, a relationship borne of an affair has a 96% chance of failure. Most likely cause? Cheating.

  After you confront him

  Emotionally, you’re probably going to need a break after the incredible stress you’ve just been through. You might feel better about getting everything out in the open, you might feel worse, like your life is spinning out of control. You might be torn about whether you want him to stay or go, and it might change from one minute to the next. Give yourself some time to think about everything. He may be pressing you for an answer, but after everything that he’s done, you need to take care of yourself
first. He can wait while you figure things out. Take care of yourself for the next few days and weeks — get a massage if you can, give yourself some space, cry yourself to sleep. Do whatever you need to do to pamper yourself while you’re going through this. Talk out your experience and your feelings with a friend or a therapist.

  Chapter 10: Can you reform a cheater?/ Should you stay or should you go?

  Can you reform a cheater?

  No, but he can reform himself. The question is, do you want to hang around for the next couple of years waiting to find out?

  If you are not currently pregnant and you do not have children, your decision is probably going to be much easier. Either you can live with the cheater or you can’t, but you won’t be constrained by the terrible worry that you’ll be screwing up someone else’s life if you make the wrong decision.

  If you do have children, your decision becomes a whole lot more complicated. First, children do better with two loving, caring parents, whether they’re in a miserable marriage or not. Choosing whether to stay or to go is going to be one of the toughest decisions you’ll ever make. That said, if you’ll be selling your soul to stay with this man after he’s betrayed you in such a devastating manner, staying in the relationship might not be a sacrifice you’re able or willing to make.

  There are many things you need to consider in your decision. First, whether the cheating was a one-time thing, or a chronic occurrence. A man who has cheated just once is far more likely to learn his lesson and change his ways than a man who has had multiple cheating partners and has been unfaithful in more than one long-term relationship.

  Second, if you are going to get past this and the relationship is to survive, you’re going to need help putting things back together. Find a good therapist, ideally one chosen by you, who can help the two of you rebuild the trust, and solve whatever problems which ultimately led to the infidelity.

  If your partner wants to put the relationship back together, he is going to have to agree to answer every question you have, sometimes more than once. He’ll have to listen to you cry and scream and reconsider whether to leave him a dozen times a day for the next year. If he’s not willing to accept the consequences of his actions and do whatever you need to help you move past this, he’s not really sorry.

  Should you stay or should you go?

  Every week I get about 50 letters from women and men who want to know if they should stay with someone who has cheated on them. Nearly always, the letter is peppered with reasons why the cheater might have been compelled to cheat, and sometimes even includes rationale why it never would have happened had it not been for the evil home-wrecker who hypnotized the poor, innocent, cheater and forced them into actions against his will. The request for help is usually fairly evenly divided between “What should I do?” and “How can I make it stop?”

  While I consider myself to be quite the mushball romantic, my feelings on cheating have a much harder edge. Cheating, in my opinion, is a deal-breaker.

  If it happens once, it will happen again. Why? When you stay with a person who has cheated on you, you’ve essentially taught them that they can sleep with somebody else and you’ll take them back. Wow, that’s pretty super news for them!

  The first time your man cheats on you, he has the most to lose because he doesn’t know what your reaction will be. But, once he’s weathered the initial storm, he knows precisely how you’ll react. By the time he’s cheated on you twice, three times, thirty-eight times, he knows exactly what to expect. Lots of crying and anger, hurling china and screaming, followed by a few weeks or months of good behavior on his part. And then, he’s on to his next spin instructor/co-worker/mall vendor. Repeat. No big risk. No downside.

  Even if you manage to get past the lies, the heartache, and the ten pounds you’ll put on with comfort food, a cloud will always hang over your relationship. You’ll never truly feel cherished, or completely loved. And you deserve better than that, don’t you? Why torture yourself with feelings of self-doubt and insecurity? Tell that cheater to hit the road, station yourself on your couch with your closest friends, a stack of sappy movies and a couple quarts of your favorite brand of frozen happiness. Move on, and find someone who gives you the love and respect you deserve.

  You have the power here. People will only treat you as poorly (or as well) as you allow them to. So, draw a line in the sand. As of today, your high standards are renewed.

  Now that you’re getting rid of this loser, what will you do on Saturday night? Here’s the answer: You’ll only date people who treat you with respect and kindness and dignity. You’ll only date people who are enthusiastic to be around you. From now on, you’ll only date guys who treat you as though you are a gift to the universe. This may narrow the field a little in the beginning, but once you get the hang of it, you’ll have only the best men to choose from. And that’s really what it’s all about, isn’t it?

  There’s no advice or magic wand to turn a cheater into a prince. Consider him a lost cause and move on. Once you set your standards back where they belong, you’ll be able to meet and maintain a relationship with the kind of person you truly want to be with.

  Move forward with your life, and find someone who gives you the love and respect you deserve. Otherwise, you’re just cheating yourself.

  Chapter 11: Letters from other women just like you

  Dear Lisa,

  I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years. I moved back with my parents temporarily because we were fighting a lot. While I was home, he was seeing this girl he works with. I was really upset about everything even though she said she never had sex with him. She assured me that she would never talk to him, but lately she has been calling him again. I don’t want to put up with this, what can I do to get this girl to stop calling my boyfriend?

  Threesome

  Dear Threesome,

  What can you do to get her to stop calling your boyfriend?

  Get a new boyfriend.

  I never understood why many women, smart women, when faced with a cheater will blame the girl he’s cheating with. Maybe it’s some short-circuit in our hardwiring. Like, Gee, my man is banging somebody else and that is…hmm…the fault of the complete stranger who doesn’t know me? Or my darling who swears he loves me but has problems keeping his pants zipped? It’s her fault! That slut!

  He is the one with the commitment to you, not her. She’s just someone who happens to sleep with other peoples’ boyfriends. Frankly, her type are like roaches. You can squish one if you catch her, but there are always more. And unfortunately, your boyfriend is the roach motel.

  Also, just where is your guy while all of these calling/not calling negotiations are going on? If anyone’s going to get this chick off the phone, it’s got to be him. If he were serious about his relationship with you, he’d quit being such a two-timer and end it. It’s my guess he likes the attention. And maybe, he likes having his girlfriend crazy all the time about what he’s doing, and frankly, who he’s doing.

  What do you do? My advice is to dump him. Tell him to pack his CDs, ratty t-shirts and his condom collection and hit the street. You were already fighting all the time, he cheated on you, and now he’s adding insult to tramps by disrespecting your feelings and keeping in contact with her. You deserve to be with someone you can trust, and frankly, once someone cheats on you, it’s pretty hard (and not too smart) to trust him again. Why make yourself crazy? There’s someone out there who will love, adore and respect you, who will not screw around. Find that guy, he’s a lot more fun. And check yourself out of the roach motel.

  xxLisa

  Dear Lisa:

  Goodness, you must receive so many of these ….

  Here’s my story: I am a 40-year-old woman married to a 40-year-old guy (13 years.) We have three children. One month ago he admitted to having an affair for the last year.

  After many ice cream bowls, I’ve come to terms that our marriage is over, yet he is still sexually active with me and he still tells me he
loves me.

  This other girl lives in another city where he must go for business one weekend every other week (which is this weekend.) He had promised (since I found out the affair) that since there were no more secrets, I would at all times be able to reach him on his cell phone.

  All of a sudden, I am trying to reach him on his cell but realized that he had turned it off… making it impossible for me to reach him. Of course

  I am going insane - what if something happens to the kids? I know for a fact that this is a jealousy issue with the other woman.

  He turned off his cell phone, therefore if one of the children gets sick or something, I can’t reach him.

  We are separating, but have to sell the house first, then I will be able to buy my own home and start becoming a dreamgirl. He is back Sunday night, but I cannot accept that I can’t reach him until then. I think there should always be a way to communicate in case of an emergency.

  Is there any way I can trick them into dumping each other in order for me to have peace of mind? Or should I book a room at the asylum?