by Lisa Daily
Thank you for your response. And please write another book…
I’m The Wife, But I Feel Like The Other Woman
Dear Wife,
I know it’s difficult, but don’t make yourself crazy because he’s turned off his cell phone. He’s a jerk. And, if something were to happen with one of your children, you would handle it, just as you probably always do. He’s clearly not thinking about anyone but himself, so he’d probably not be much help in an emergency situation anyway. This turning-off-the-cell-phone issue just proves that he lies. Which, you already knew, right?
That said, it’s important to remember that you can’t control what he does, you can only control how YOU react to it. Get yourself out of that horrible situation as quickly as possible, and in the meantime, try not to let it make you crazy. You can start becoming a dreamgirl right now. Make sure you do something every week to pamper yourself (you REALLY deserve it!) and don’t accept poor treatment. (you really DON’T deserve it.) Also, let your girlfriends support you. I want you to arrange a lunch or evening out (hire a babysitter, don’t depend on Mr. Undependable), head to a friend’s house, and spill your guts. Keep yourself together for your kids, and your female friends will most certainly help you through this.
You asked about a way to break the two of them up — don’t give it another thought. Let her have him. Why? 90% of people who cheat in a marriage do it more than once. Which means, if you did pry him away from her, he’d probably cheat on you AGAIN in a few years anyway. Why sign on for round 2? Or round 8? Also, on the off chance that he and the tramp he’s sleeping with actually do decide to become a couple, there is a 95% chance they’ll get divorced. — Why? If he cheats on you, he’ll cheat on her. Statistically speaking, it’s practically guaranteed. That’s Karma, girl. (Of course, if she is ALSO cheating on someone, there’s an almost 99% chance the relationship will end in divorce.) Double Karma.
Keep your head up, and find a good attorney, pronto. At the very least, maybe she/he can get your jerk of a husband out of the house while you’re trying to get it sold. There’s no reason why this should be any harder on you and your children.
There’s one last thing that bothers me about your letter. Stop having sex with him. Since the marriage is indeed over, it will only serve to make you feel worse while he continues to see the other woman. It’s not good for you, and it won’t get him back. And from a safety standpoint, it’s just not smart — you don’t know anything about this other woman’s sexual history, and your husband has made it difficult for you to trust in his. Don’t risk further damage to your heart or your body.
Best wishes, dreamgirl.
I’m pulling for you.
Lisa
Dear Lisa,
I met this guy online, and he seemed perfect. We got into each other maybe a little too fast. The week we ended our correspondence, I sensed something was wrong. I asked him about it and he said he and his ex were fighting, and it really bothered him. He said maybe this was bad timing but he felt as though he should pull out before things with us got too serious. Unfortunately, it was too late for me, now all I can think about is him. Should I try to contact him, or let it go?
Functional Keyboard, Broken Heart
Dear Functional
Let him go, sweetie. He still has feelings for his ex and he’s trying to let you down easy. It’s easy to wonder “what-if” in this situation, but it won’t get him over his ex any faster, and it will wind up making you crazy.
xxLisa
Dear Lisa,
I believe that a large part of my problem is that I am what you referred to as a “nightmare girl.” I don’t know how to be one of those “dream girls.” I can hold it together for anywhere from a few days to a few months, but I get sooooo incredibly insecure that I end up losing it. I mean, I go crazy. I turn into a raging b*tch, pick a fight, and think he’s doing all kinds of horrible things behind my back, etc. Or, I start looking elsewhere and sometimes cheat (which I am embarrassed to admit.) All this if the boyfriend at the time (this is a pattern) is not falling all over me. I am so insecure. I’ve been to therapy-still am in therapy. I’m a practicing Christian. I just can’t seem to trust a man to save my life. The only thing I’ve EVER wanted is to get married. I am dating a man right now (for 2 1/2 years). I think we’d be married by now if I hadn’t sabotaged the relationship so many times. I mean, he has done some things to damage the relationship, but I think it’s mostly been me. I am continuing to work on myself, but sometimes I feel I am beyond help. Any suggestions?
Nightmare Girl
Dear Dream Girl,
First of all, no “Nightmare Girl” is beyond reform, you included. Your letter just broke my heart. First off, please stay in therapy for a while. You’re knee-deep in an incredibly destructive pattern right now. For some reason, it seems as though you believe at some level that you don’t deserve to be loved, so you sabotage your relationships either by picking unsuitable guys, creating problems or imagining them. The fact that you believe your boyfriends will treat you badly becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy.
I think part of the reason you think your boyfriends are cheating on you is that you are cheating on them – guilt is a strange, strange thing. Here’s what I think you should do. Stop dating for a while, it seems like it only exacerbates your issues. Give yourself a chance to figure out why you don’t believe you deserve to be loved, and why you can’t trust people. Is it just men? Or is it everybody? If I had to venture a guess in the dark, I’d say you had suffered some sort of abuse, sexual or otherwise. Take a dating sabbatical – give yourself six months without a man, at least. In that time, go to therapy and really spend some time figuring out where the pattern started. Take good care of yourself. If you were sexually abused, read “The Courage To Heal.” In any case I want you to realize that you deserve to be loved and treated with respect. Really. You are not damaged goods. You are an amazing, wonderful person. You just need to believe in yourself. And eventually, in someone else.
Good luck, I’m pulling for you.
xxLisa
Dear Lisa,
What started off as a casual “summer thing” became serious last autumn. Jason and made an agreement with him that we wouldn’t see other people. I stuck to the agreement. Jason did not. He wooed me. I started to develop feelings for him. He told me he loved me. He asked me to be his girlfriend. I let go and fell hard for him.
Then I found out that he had been cheating on me all along. I tried to dump him. He assured me that it was all just the tail end of a stage he went through and that all the bad was over. He begged me not to leave him. I stayed despite my own better judgment. We were together nearly ten months. The goal was to work through this and overcome it— He really convinced me that he loved me. He led me into a relationship I didn’t want in the first place and then dumped me two weeks ago saying he didn’t love me. I was crushed, bewildered, and hurt.
I abandoned all dignity and begged him back (I know, I know, pathetic in a wet cat sort of way). He keeps me on the backburner and tosses me a crumb every now and then and I so hate it that I take it. I’m sitting on my hands not to call him. I’m dreaming up excuses to see him—even just to tell him off. I have no willpower.
Powerless
Dear Powerless,
You aren’t powerless. You have all the power you need, girl, you’re just not using it. You and I (as well as thousands of people reading this) know that this guy is no good, and he’s never going to change. Here’s the important part: he’s never going to change. The reason you can’t stop calling him is that you’re addicted to the great guy you thought he was. Not the cheating piece of crap he really is. Dump him, and cut off ALL contact. Really. You’ve been trying to use a step-down plan, and I think we all know you need to go cold turkey with this bonehead.
Look in the mirror every day and say “I deserve to be treated with respect, and I won’t settle for anything less.” And then stick to it. If you need extra reinforcement, check out
the “Breakup Survival Guide” at www.stopgettingdumped.com
xxLisa
Dear Lisa,
About ten months ago, I fell in love with a guy who also fell in love with me. We started going out and on our first date I slept with him. I lost my virginity to him, I wanted to keep it until I married, but when I met him I knew I was going to marry him anyway.
He dumped me after about five months, but I keep going back to him. He treats me badly when I go back, but I accept it because I want to be with him. If I walk out, he doesn’t contact me and I miss him too much. I can’t help calling him. To get him back, I bought him gold engraved rings, concert tickets, took him out to dinner, wrote poetry for him - I can get him back for about a week, then he dumps me again…
When we broke up, our relationship was rocky because I’d cheated on him. He cried when he broke up with me, and said “I’m going to miss you so much, but I think we’ll end up together anyway, because I can’t ever imagine loving anyone more than I love you.”
I believed him, but now when I go to him, he usually turns me away and it seems like he hates me. My feelings for him haven’t changed, how could his feelings change?
Lonely Girl
Dear Lonely,
I really feel for you — I do. I can tell you’re brokenhearted over this guy and that you are truly sorry for what has transpired.
Here’s what’s going on with him: You cheated on him, and even though he still cares for you, he’s understandably still really angry with you. So he treats you like crap. You ask, how can his feelings change when yours haven’t? Newsflash girlfriend — his feelings changed because YOU CHEATED ON HIM. He’d have to be lobotomized to be unaffected by such a betrayal and just carry on as though everything were perfect.
Then, there’s you: He’s now treating you like crap, which you 1) accept because you feel guilty and 2) reward with concert tickets and jewelry because you want him back. Neither of which are working. (And here’s a tip, neither of which will EVER work.) Ever. Ever. Ever.
If you ever want to get this guy back, you need to do three things. First, apologize for cheating on him and tell him you feel really sorry for hurting him. Then, back off completely (no gifts, no begging like a mutt and no booty calls) and give the guy some time (months) and space to heal. Last, give yourself a chance to prove you’re not a doormat-in-training. Stop trying to bribe him. If you two are ever going to be together, you need to start again on equal footing.
Take a break from dating. (Maybe accept this breakup and even start dating other people.) This relationship needs some time and distance if it’s ever going to work.
xxLisa
Hi Lisa,
I had a boyfriend whom I loved very dearly and he dumped me for another gal and to top it all, even married her. I was so hurt I wanted to die, but that wasn’t the end of it. After getting married to her, he’s been calling me and telling me he misses me. What do you make out of this?
Never the Bride
Dear Never,
I think your ex is a guy who is never happy with what he has. The-grass-is-greener syndrome.
So now he’s with her, and he wants you. When he was with you, he wanted somebody else. I know it’s difficult now, but someday you’ll realize the day he popped the question to somebody else was the luckiest day of your life.
The next time he calls telling you he misses you, tell him it’s too bad he didn’t think of that BEFORE he married someone else. And tell him you’re not interested in having that kind of conversation with someone else’s husband.
Trust me darling, this can only end badly. Very, very, life-in-flames kind of badly.
Stop pining over what might have been. Be relieved it’s not.
xxLisa
Dear Lisa,
I recently had a breakup with my boyfriend (at least I thought he was my boyfriend) of two-and-a-half years. I found out he was seeing another woman the entire time he and I were together!!! He told me about a year into our relationship that he wasn’t looking for anything really serious and that he couldn’t commit right now. This really wasn’t a problem because I myself was not sure if I wanted anything really serious either. He never once told me he wanted to see other people, and he always called me to go out or get together or whatever. I never had a clue he had someone else in the picture. Anyway, he ended up moving away almost a year ago now because of his job. He would ask me out, he would do the calling, etc. - little did I know he was doing the exact same thing with another woman. I am having a really hard time with accepting the fact that he and I are over with, but I know this is how it has to be…he is a pathological liar!!!
My real question is, should I let the anger and hatred and hurt go and be the bigger person and tell him ‘ hey if you really want to be with her, if she is the woman to end all women for you, then just go!’ or should I just say nothing?
I know (or knew as of a few weeks ago) that she had split up with him too, but I have this nagging feeling that they are back together. I think his feelings for her may have been more than his feelings for me, but he has told me that he is not seeing her anymore either…but how do I believe him?
I want him to think that I am over him (even though I’m really not) because I don’t want him to think I am pining away for him still. I don’t want him to be having the upper hand here. Would telling him to just go to her make him really go to her or would it make him regret leaving me? I want him to regret leaving me…is that so bad of me to feel that way? Would telling him that make him have more respect for me? I don’t know if I could ever take him back.
Desperate for Answers in California
Dear Desperate,
Yikes.
I know you’re heartbroken over this low-rent Romeo, and I really feel for you.
That said, you’ve asked about a dozen questions here, but I think it really boils down to two things:
Can you ever trust him again?
What can you do to make him realize he’s made a huge mistake?
Let’s cover the most obvious first. NO, YOU CANNOT TRUST HIM AGAIN. He’s been cheating on you for the last two-and-a-half years, and if you fall for his crap and get back together, you can expect more of the same. Wise up, girlfriend. Take him back, and this dog will bite you again.
I know that right now you think you want him back. Trust me though, you don’t. That emotion you’re feeling is that you don’t want to lose him, especially to another woman. That’s something different entirely. Sure, your ego might be a little happier if he would choose you over her, fall on his knees bearing tulips and Godiva, beg your forgiveness and claim temporary brain damage as the sole reason for his transgression. Then, you could take him back, he’d never look at another woman again and you’d both live happily ever after.
Unfortunately, that’s not going to happen.
As for how you can make him regret his decision, well, unfortunately that would require that he possess some sort of conscience, which doesn’t appear likely. If you want him to think you’re over him, you have to get on with your life. Last-minute “I’m over you, you pig” phone calls will have the opposite of the desired effect…instead of making him regret his decision or believe you’ve moved on, he’ll know for certain that you’re still OD-ing on Kleenex and that you’re anything but over him.
Give yourself some time to heal, hang in there, and don’t call your ex.
xxLisa
Dear Lisa,
I’m stationed in North Carolina. I met a great guy who is stationed in Delaware. He’s got a girlfriend but we get along so well. What should I do? His girlfriend is about to leave for Korea and he doesn’t know what is going to happen with that. Should I stop talking to him because he’s got a girl? I really like him though. Is it bad to pursue anything with this guy although his girlfriend is miles and miles away? I don’t want to do what I wouldn’t want done to me.
Retreat or Advance?
Dear Retreat,
Hold on a second while I beat myse
lf over the head with my laptop.
No, it’s not okay to pursue a man who has a girlfriend. Even if she is out of town and isn’t likely to catch her lying, cheating, piece-of-crap boyfriend and his backstabbing accomplice. I can’t sum things up any more clearly than you already have – you don’t want to do what you wouldn’t want to have done to you.
Avoid getting together with this guy until his current relationship plays out. If they stay together, you stay clear. Otherwise you’re going to have some of that nasty what-goes-around-comes-around happening in your direction.
On another note, I’d watch out for a guy who’s already plying you with “I don’t know what’s going to happen” to lay the groundwork for girl #2 (that’s you) before his girl #1 even hits the runway. In the event that you become girl #1, I’d most certainly predict more of the same.
There are plenty of fantastic AND unattached guys in the world. You deserve a great guy of your own.
xxLisa
Dear Lisa,
I’m a 20-year-old girl dating a 43-year-old man for one-and-a-half years. He’s married (been separated for three years) and is a father of four.
He cheated on me last August when his wife asked him to go to Paris with her for the weekend - it was her birthday. He told me he was going because he was stressed out. At the time my parents were still giving me a hard time about our relationship and he said he was sorry to leave me in the middle of it. When he got back, I confronted him and asked if he’d gone with his wife. He didn’t lie and told me that he did and later told me they’d slept together.
