by Kate Stewart
I slide to answer my heartbeat in my throat. “Hey.”
“Hey, can I talk to him?”
“Of course. Can I just ask if you’re okay?”
“Fine. I don’t have much time.”
“Okay.” I feel the shake in my voice as I call Dante. “Baby. Troy’s on the phone.”
Dante runs in, grabbing my cell from my hand.
“Hey, Troy. I saved you some cereal.” Dante rearranges a few magnets on the fridge as Troy speaks. “Sorry. Mommy says I can’t have my phone on until after school.” It’s apparent he didn’t even want to call my number. He doesn’t want to have a thing to do with me. I grip the chair at the kitchen table as I try to absorb that blow.
“You coming over? Oh,” his voice dips in disappointment as does my heart. “Tomorrow then, maybe?” Another pause before Dante glances up at me. “Let me ask. Mommy, can I go with Troy and Nonny tomorrow after school? Please?”
“Sure.”
“She says yes. Uh huh. Okay. Okay. Love you. Bye.”
Dante hands the phone back to me. “Hey.”
He’s already gone.
Troy
“Thanks, Mom,” I tell her as she piles the eggs on my plate. Fresh off the clock, I was about to crash when Mom dragged me into the kitchen. I’d managed to get a few shifts back part-time at UPS after I quit working with Kevin. I’ve been avoiding his calls, along with anyone else that doesn’t have to do with my immediate future. Kevin texted last night asking to meet up, but I didn’t reply. I’m sure part of it was to reach out again and apologize. But I know another part is because the librarian finally crushed his hopes.
I’m still too pissed to talk it out with him. I could have lost my son because of his stupid fucking experiment with something he had no business messing with. I could blame it on the coach and his unrealistic demands, but the simple truth is, he fucked up, like many of us do. And I know more than anyone how lousy timing and shitty circumstances can ruin a person. Ruin lives.
When I cool off, I know I’ll eventually reach out. Kevin would never intentionally or unintentionally hurt Dante. And he deserved a fair shake with that girl, but that’s not real life. In real life, there’s a million other Kevins out there suffering from the same type of unreturned affection. Another first-hand experience I can relate to.
I feel for him, but I can’t handle anything more. At this point, it’s too much. After leaving the house on Ohara, there was no way to get my head straight staying with friends, so I played it safe, burying my head in the books and work after taking my mother up on her offer to use her spare bedroom. The upside is I’ve gotten to know Luis, and he seems to be a great guy.
“Morning,” Luis walks into the kitchen, kissing my mother soundly before clapping a hand on my back. “I guess it’s good night to you?”
“Yeah,” I say as he grabs the lunch my mom’s just readied for him.
“Thanks, baby. See y’all later.”
She sends him off with another kiss, and I can’t help but feel happy for her and take note of the light in her eyes as they follow him out the front door.
“I like him, Mom. I mean that. You deserve to be happy.”
“Thanks, baby. He is pretty amazing, isn’t he?”
“Yeah, he’s cool.”
I shovel more eggs in, thankful it’s a Saturday, and I’ll be able to sleep in a little longer.
Mom hovers next to me, and it’s then I know the offer for breakfast was a ruse.
I look up to where she stands, arms crossed.
“Come on, Mom. I’m exhausted.”
“It’s been weeks. Don’t you think it’s time?”
I sigh, bracing myself. Mom isn’t the type to make the hard parts easier. She’s the type to deal with shit as it comes, and it’s one of the things I’ve always respected her for most, while it still remains one of my biggest weaknesses. I much prefer to think my way around my issues.
And right now, I’m in the midst of full-blown avoidance.
Case in point, after I pick Dante up, Clarissa meets Mom at the door when she comes for him. As immature as it is, I don’t want to see her, which has done shit to ease the sting of missing her.
A part of me is embarrassed for being so vulnerable in front of her, the other is glad I finally stood up for my mangled fucking heart where she is concerned.
Though, no part of this is making my decision and new reality any less shitty. Dante remains confused as to why we aren’t speaking. In hindsight, I realize now why Clarissa was so hesitant to start a relationship. It’s because of our current predicament. Constant excuses as to why things have so drastically changed.
Lately, he’s been reading into every conversation we have, looking for clues, asking questions that I don’t have answers to. At one point, he had some semblance of a family, and with our rift, we’ve ripped it away.
The fucked-up part is with the damage done, the damage she so painstakingly tried to avoid, we never got a real shot at making us work. I could blame it on her selfishness. I could blame myself because I’d shot her down even when she was ready to admit her mistake and begged me not to let go.
The irony is, though I’ve tried in every way imaginable, I haven’t. I just refuse to admit it. I love her wholly and completely. Even with all the hurt we’ve caused to the other. But I can’t, for the life of me, find the strength to go another round with her. Not now, maybe not ever. Because of the power she holds over me, the carelessness she’s used with my heart, I fear I may never come back the same man.
“I’ll go back soon. When I’m ready.”
“You have to face her, son. Dante is not okay. Yesterday, he asked me if I knew why everybody was so sad. I lied to my grandson. Don’t put me in that position again.”
Suddenly, the eggs aren’t so appetizing and feel like rubber in my mouth.
“Fuck,” I push the plate away and run a hand through my hair. “Sorry, Mom. And I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this. I’m signing soon. I’ll get a place as soon as I get a check.”
“Hey, that’s not it,” she says, taking a seat next to me. “First of all, Luis is happy about having you here. And we have plenty of room.”
“I don’t want to inconvenience you.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. You’re my son. There’s no such thing.”
I glance over as she pours me more juice. “I love you.”
“Love you too. And I hate that she broke your heart. But you have to talk to her. You’ve got to push your feelings aside. Dante is scared.”
“I will. Soon. I just need a little more time.”
“Okay.” She shovels more eggs onto my plate.
“Mom, I’m done.”
“The hell you are. Eat.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
She looks me over carefully, weighing her words. Her hair is already up, her makeup done. The woman has self-respect in abundance, has always taken care of herself, no matter the circumstances. It’s another habit of hers I find admirable. She’s the definition of a backbone. I feel like hell. I haven’t been sleeping at all, even after upping my workouts to try and pass out.
“You look beautiful.”
“You look like shit.”
“Thanks.”
“Are you sure you’re making the right decision?”
I nod. “I can’t be with someone who doesn’t have my back and won’t trust me to have hers.”
“Then I pray she does the work because you two were beautiful together. Your family is beautiful. And even if your relationship isn’t where you want it, make no mistake, son, that is your family.”
I swallow the truth of it. “I know.”
“Good. Glad you know it all. So, when are you going over there?”
“Soon.”
“How soon?”
“Mom,” I say exasperated, pushing my plate away. “Enough.”
“Just remember when you were working your ass off to get drafted, she was working her ass off to keep your son
warm. So, stop punishing her for keeping the secrets she kept out of love, for you, so you could do what you needed to do.”
“Doesn’t change the fact we don’t trust each other.”
“I think you know that’s not true.”
“I’ve done everything I can to prove myself to her, and it’s not good enough.”
“No, you haven’t.”
“What?” I gape at her. “You’re kidding me, right? Mom—”
“You keep convincing yourself that everything is so cut and dried. If you want a real family, it comes with the good and bad—cuts, bruises, and bumps, and there is no end date for that. You two will fight and often. You’re so much alike it’s scary. Pig-headed, stubborn…”
“Great talk, Mom.”
“Sit your ass down, right now.”
I blow out a breath resuming my seat at the table.
“You’re also both loving—selfless and a little selfish—but you both love that little boy with all your heart and soul. You’re amazing parents, but clueless with relationships. Having the real thing means good months and bad months, maybe a bad year or two, rinse and repeat. You two have yet to figure out how to get past a bad day, and that’s okay, it comes with time. You want to call it quits with her, fine. But you’re going to have a hell of a time keeping any relationship, unless you leave the scoreboard on the field where it belongs. Right or wrong, who did what to whom—who gives a shit? Your son is suffering, and here you are, still in love with her. If you were so damned determined to outshine any other man in her life, why didn’t you do the one thing you had to do that no other man has managed?”
Swallowing, I stare at my plate. “Stay.”
“I’ll get your keys.”
Pulling up the driveway, I see Theo on the porch with Dante and am instantly on edge. I’m already dreading facing Clarissa and don’t want to deal with the aftermath of my falling out with Theo. He deserves an apology, but I’m over his assumptions about me, over defending myself, and I can see the clear accusation in his eyes when Dante greets me on the steps.
“Hey, little man, where’s your mom?”
Dante shakes his head. “She’s inside, but she’s crying.”
I spare a glance at Theo, who’s already armored up.
“Tell me you didn’t. Jesus Christ, Jenner.”
Dante looks between us, confused. “What did he do?”
“Nothing to worry about, bud,” I say, giving Theo a warning look before turning back to my son. “Hey, Dante, do you mind letting me talk to Theo a minute?”
“Mama got that cereal you like,” he supplies as I grip his shoulder, trying to hide my flinch at his words as I walk him toward the door.
“Yeah, maybe I’ll have some after I do the grass. Go on inside for a second, okay?”
“If this is man talk, I’m cool. I’m the man of this house.”
Another blow and I do the best I can to hide my reaction. “Go on,” I say, ushering him inside.
“Fine,” Dante huffs. “Later, Theo.”
I hang my head when the door closes. “I don’t expect you to understand.”
“Please don’t confuse me for someone who cares enough about you to want to understand. It’s them I care about.”
This pisses me off. “You think I don’t?”
“I don’t think you care about anyone above yourself.”
“Well, you’re fucking wrong. Look, you hate me, and that’s fine, but there’s something you need to know about Laney.”
“Save your breath.”
“She wasn’t lying. She never once gave me any reason to go after her. She wouldn’t even tell me her name. Every bit of that cat and mouse was me. It was all me. She’d already told me to fuck off twice before you came outside and at every turn before that. I’m the one who ran up on her. I’m the one who tried to force it. I was in a fucked-up place.”
He glares at me from where he stands, not backing off an inch.
“I just thought you should know.”
“She already told me this herself.”
“Yeah, but I’m guessing you didn’t believe her.” I can see the grudge he’s held for years for wrongs done to him that have shit to do with me. His hang-ups have to do with his own insecurities. Just like Clarissa, he rode me hard, waiting for the day for me to fuck up with a pre-prepared ‘I knew it’ on his tongue.
“And I should believe you?”
“Yeah, you should because when she looked at me, she saw me the same way you do, and I think that’s what attracted me to her. I wanted to prove you both wrong.” I glance at Clarissa’s door. “But I was trying to prove myself to the wrong people.” I glare over at Theo. “You assume so much about me, just like everyone else, and I just never bothered to correct you.”
“Troy! Mommy won’t come outside!” Dante pokes his head out of the door, and I kneel down and pull him close. “Listen, bud. You know better. I’m in a serious conversation. Give me a minute.”
I don’t miss the connection Theo makes when he finally sees it, and I don’t bother trying to hide it. Those days are over for me.
“He’s yours.”
I nod.
“And you haven’t told him?”
The nerve on this guy. I take a step forward. “This is messier than you could ever imagine and fuck the look on your face, Houseman. Do you think I answered your ad because I couldn’t find anywhere else to live closer to campus? Half my friends wouldn’t even charge me to live at their spots. Your address was my chance to be closer to him and look out for them both. She,” I wipe a hand down my face, “she doesn’t want anything to do with me.” He’s the wrong person to air my grievances to, but I can’t help myself.
“You think I wanted to pay rent late every month? Contrary to what you think, I wasn’t getting my dick waxed every time I had a late night, I was working my fucking ass off to pay the rent for three. Between that and ball—” I shake my head disgusted with the fact that once again, I’m explaining my actions to a lost cause. “You know what? I could fill a fucking book with what you don’t know. You got the only explanation I owe you.” I walk inside and slam the door. Dante’s head pops up, and he pauses his game.
“I got in trouble at school today. Mommy’s mad. I put myself in timeout, but she doesn’t care. Are you mad at me too?”
I hate the fear in his voice. I hate that things are so fucked up between his mother and me. We’re both guilty. I let my crushed heart and anger toward her get in the way of what matters most. What should always come first. But I won’t lie to him.
“I’m not mad at you. It’s not good to get in trouble, but I’m not mad.”
“You and Theo not friends anymore? Is that why you moved?”
I nod. “We’re just having a difference of opinion.”
He thinks I’m a piece of shit, and I’m having a hard time proving myself differently. It ends here. I’ll be the father Dante’s come to trust. I walk over to where he sits and run my knuckles through his hair.
“Grown-up stuff gets confusing sometimes. Hang in there with me, okay?”
“K.”
“Trust me?”
“Yep.”
“Good. Play your game. I’m going to talk to your mom. And we’ll talk about why you got in trouble in a little while, okay?”
“K.” I start to make my way toward her room. “Troy?”
“Yeah, bud?”
“Are you going to spank me?”
“Spank you?” I bite my lips to hide my grin. “No.”
“K, ‘cause that would hurt real bad.”
“Really bad. And I would never hurt you. You know that, right?
“Uh huh.”
Unable to help it, I walk over and pull him into me. He hugs me back tightly, without reservation, something we both clearly need. Placing a kiss at the top of his head, I pull away.
“No matter what, I’m proud of you. You know that?”
“Yeah.”
I tip his chin up. “Saw your vi
deo last night. Did you edit that new intro yourself?”
“Yeah! You watched it?”
“I watch them all.”
“Really?”
His happiness means everything to me. As does the woman just a room away.
“Let me go talk to her, and maybe you and I can get lunch after. Just the two of us.”
“K. Is she sad ‘cause you don’t kiss her in the laundry room anymore?”
Gaping, I stare down at him at a loss for words. My mother is right. We’re idiots. While we were falling in love, our son was watching. It doesn’t matter what we did behind closed doors, he was witness to it all, which is why he felt our split as much as we did.
“Dante, that’s private adult stuff.”
“K. Can we have tacos?”
That was way too easy. But relieved, I answer with a bribe. “Anything you want.”
“I’m in trouble. Mommy might not let me go.”
“I’ll talk to her.”
“K.”
“Don’t interrupt us unless it’s an emergency.”
“Yes, sir.”
Making my way toward her room, I rope in all my apprehension and knock on her door.
“Hey,” I hear her say when I poke my head in. She’s sitting on the side of her bed, crumbling a tissue in her hand and blotting her eyes.
I kneel down in front of her and grab her hands holding them between mine. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine. I’m fine.”
“It’s not fine. Everything’s fucked.”
“I know,” she says, a tear cresting on her cheek before falling, “we got too messy.”
“I don’t want to live like this anymore.”
“Me neither.” She slides a hand down my jaw. “I’m so sorry I hurt you. You did everything right. From the minute you stepped up to my door. You’re right. I gave you hell and not enough of what you deserved. But I do respect you, Troy, and I trust you, for whatever it’s worth.”
“It’s worth a lot,” I say, trying my best to keep my shit together.
“He knows we’re not okay. He asks me every day what’s going on, and I don’t know what to tell him.”
“He knows about us.”
