by Kate Stewart
A part of me wonders if he hasn’t started the process of moving on. The thought of him touching another woman eats me alive.
I don’t think I’ll be able to bear it when another claims his heart.
Gathering myself from my recliner, I begin to turn out the lights when a light knock sounds at the door. My heart leaps into a gallop when I see Troy on the other side. His hands stuffed in his jeans.
“Hey,” he says softly, peeking past my shoulder. “Sorry, I know it’s late.”
“He’s asleep,” I say, opening the door and ushering him inside.
“I know. I just want to check in on him.”
I glance past to see a new King Cab in the driveway. “You got your truck back?”
“This one’s new. Well, it’s an older model but new to me.”
“It’s really nice.”
“Thanks. So, can I see him?”
“Sure, okay.” I gesture toward Dante’s room.
“Thank you.” He pads through the house and twists the knob, peeking in where Dante lays asleep on his side, hair still damp from his shower. Troy studies him for a long minute, exhaling fully when he sees he’s safe and asleep.
“I’ve never felt a love like this,” he says softly. “And I know I never will. Kids aren’t harmless, they’re terrifying. I love him so much,” he says with an ache in his voice that gives me a sinking feeling. “I can’t imagine any harm coming to him. I can’t imagine how that would feel.” I touch his arm and lean in on a whisper of my own.
“Troy, is everything okay?”
He looks over at me, the picture of beauty, the love in his eyes hypnotic. I know the look. I’ve seen it dozens of times, for myself, and it never fails to take my breath away. This man, the way he loves, everything about him moves me.
I’m too wrapped up in all I feel to speak and thankful when Troy is the first to break the silence. “You know, I was his age when my parents split up. When Dad left, I played okay with it because I knew they made each other miserable. But it killed me. I suffered in silence. I understood why he left her, but I couldn’t understand why he left me too. After a while, I came around, and I was okay with it. She was tough, fair, but so loving. But she worked her fingers to the bone. That’s what I hold against my dad now. Not the fact that he left me, but that he left her alone in the struggle. I couldn’t have been easy. Hell, I know I wasn’t. But she loved me, cared for me so well, I never suffered.” He turns to me and palms my cheek. “I don’t want you to suffer. I don’t want him to ever see you suffer. I don’t want him to want for anything. I’ll spend my whole life making sure he’s cared for, both of you. This, I swear, Clarissa.”
The sincerity in his eyes, his voice, is my unraveling. “And maybe if I would have told you how important that was to me before, you would have understood just how badly I wanted to be the one you leaned on.”
“I’m so sorry that I made you feel like I didn’t trust you to do that.”
He slowly shakes his head before his lips upturn. “Are we going to spend the rest of our lives apologizing to each other?”
I shrug, returning his smile. “It’s a step up from fighting?”
“You know, I loved some of those fights.”
I nod. “Me too.” Apprehension covers his features. “Is everything okay?”
“It is now.” He softly shuts the door. “He’s my strength, Clarissa. He’s my reserve. All I have to do is lay eyes on him, and I’m whole.”
“You know, Dante means strength,” I say softly. “Well technically, it means endurance. The minute I found out he was coming, I knew I was going to need it in abundance. I’m not trying to guilt you,” I say, placing my hands on his jaw. “I’m saying you’re exactly right. As much as he needs us to guide him, we need him too. He’s got a quiet strength, a kid’s resilience we need to see, need to be reminded of. He’s got a lot of it because he’s your son.”
He pulls away from my hands and lets out a breath before looking back at me. “Thank you.”
Ignoring the pain from his rejection, I focus on him. I’ve been selfish enough. His phone rattles in his hand and he glances down and frowns.
“Troy, what’s wrong.”
“It’s Theo, says he needs me to come over, says he needs my help.”
“Are you two doing okay?”
“This is the first I’ve heard from him.”
“Are you gonna go?”
“Yeah, I owe him an apology.”
“Hopefully you two can work it out?”
“Yeah, maybe.”
“So, what’s wrong then? Are you nervous about the draft?”
“Yes and no. I’m pretty sure I know where I’m going.”
“Where?”
“The Giants.”
“New York?”
“Yeah.”
“Congratulations,” I say, hiding my devastation. New York. He’s leaving us. And it’s not a short drive. I suck up my own feelings and try to put on a brave face. “That’s amazing.”
I can sense the tension building in him as he fists his hands at his sides. “Yeah.”
“Why don’t I get the feeling you’re excited?”
“I don’t want to leave him.”
“You won’t.”
He scans my pajamas with a smirk. “Grand girls—”
“Stay Grand, and don’t you forget it,” I finish, returning his smile.
“I don’t want to leave you,” he says softly.
“We’ll be here cheering you on. We’ll make it work. I promise.”
“From here,” he says, his tone somber. “That’s what’s killing me.”
“Troy, it’s pro ball. It’s a dream come true. It’s what you’ve been working your ass off for. You know, since your teaching career didn’t work out.”
We share a smile.
“Finally,” I laugh. “I can make a joke.”
His expression again turns sullen.
“We’ll come up,” I offer, “you can come down, and we’ll—”
His next words strike me right in the chest. “I want you to come with me.”
“What?” I damn near stumble into the wall as he takes my hand and leads me into the living room. He sits me down on the couch and begins to pace.
“Hear me out, okay?”
I nod and watch him as he runs a pattern on my rug, cupping his neck.
“I’ll set you up. We can get him in a private school if it makes you feel safer. You can teach anywhere, right?”
“Yes, but Troy, New York?”
“Yeah. There’s a ton of places outside the city that are more ideal for raising a family. I sent you an email when I pulled up tonight. There’s a house and—”
“That’s a lot to ask.”
He blows out a breath and hangs his head. “I know.” He lifts his eyes meeting mine. “But I’m asking. If there were something keeping you here, I wouldn’t. But you aren’t buying this place, right? You hate the owner.”
“Cute.”
“Just, do me a favor and look at the email.”
“Now?”
He nods.
“Okay.”
I pull my laptop from my chair and see that he did send an email a few minutes before he knocked on the door. I click on the listing, and my eyes bulge.
“Troy, that’s entirely too much house.”
“But it’s beautiful, right? Look, it has a blue door. Dr. Seuss blue, but we can paint it purple.”
“Troy, I don’t expect you to take care of me.”
“I want to. Whatever amount I get, I know damn well I can afford this house. As of next week, I’m a rich man. I want this for Dante and for you. Please,” he kneels down before me. “Just tell me you’ll consider it. I’ll get something close.”
And with that statement, I feel he’s closed the door on us. I try to hide the hurt as I look over at him.
“Can I think about it?”
“Of course.” He lifts one side of his mouth. “It’s crazy, I wor
ked for it for years and years, but I never thought the day would come. I hoped and prayed, but I never thought it would actually happen. Pro ball, Clarissa. It’s insane.”
“You made it happen. You’re an amazing player.”
He shakes his head as I linger on the fact that he’s no longer mine.
“Troy, what about your…personal life? Don’t you eventually want to start a family?”
He leans down and presses his lips to my temple before pulling away, his eyes penetrating mine. “I started my family seven years ago. Goodnight.”
Clarissa
Dante exits the ride all smiles as he runs toward me with Troy on his heels. “That one wasn’t scary at all.”
“You did good,” I say as they join Parker and me where we wait by the ticket booth.
“I’m ready for that,” Dante points to the mile-high cage ride that flips twenty times within a minute, and Troy, Parker, and I all shake our heads in agreement. We’ve been at it for a few hours and covered most of the carnival. After our resounding no to his request to ride adult rides, he’s dragging us all to the dollar games.
Troy picked the three of us up earlier this morning, and it’s been all smiles and niceties. I’ve been caught staring at him a few times today, making me feel like a damned love-sick fool. Parker’s elbowed me twice to keep me from completely humiliating myself.
Feeling this way is slowly killing me inside. As soon as Dante’s bedroom light is off, Troy leaves, leaving me alone in the house to miss him. Ever present, he’s kept things painfully platonic. This man, who invaded my life nine months ago with promises I was completely unsure he would keep, promises I hoped with all my heart he would, for my son, and now admittedly, for me, is ruling my heart and mind. I can’t push myself past the new normal. I can’t for the life of me accept it. I’m losing my mind trying to find a way not to feel so much, not to want him the way I do. I’m so deep, I’ll never be able to find my way out.
I can’t unlove Troy Jenner. He’s made it impossible.
“Plans for this summer?” Parker looks between us as Dante tries his hand at the ring toss.
“I just got a call back at one of the real estate firms I applied for,” I say as Troy’s eyes flick to mine in surprise. “You passed?”
“Yes. I took it last week.”
“That’s awesome. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I just…” I trail off. Didn’t think you cared? Because it’s one of the reasons why you’re still pissed at me? Instead of voicing those thoughts, I remain mute as he studies me.
“Can I try again?” Dante asks as Troy and Parker both pull out the cash.
I roll my eyes as Parker smirks with victory, giving Dante a twenty. “Fill her up.”
Troy gives her the win turning back to me. “So, you took the job?”
“I applied for it before…” I trail off again as Parker perks up.
“Before what?” She looks between us, and I widen my eyes at Troy in warning. I don’t want Parker blowing a gasket in the middle of a carnival about the possibility of us moving. She’ll give every temperamental three-year-old in a one-mile radius a run for their money.
“Vacation,” I say, saving both our asses. “I can’t take a new job and then ask for vacation. We were thinking right after Troy’s graduation.”
“Oh, yeah?” Parker says. “Where?”
Dante looks up to me. “Yeah, where?”
“I thought I would let Daddy decide.”
Troy’s eyes, still on me, soften considerably, and I shrug. “I mean, if you have time.”
“I’ll make time.”
Parker’s eyes ping pong between us.
“We’ve never been anywhere,” I say, ruffling Dante’s hair.
“Stop that, Mommy, I have gel in.”
“Not for my lack of trying,” Parker gripes indignant. “I’ve been trying to get us on vacation for years.”
“You’ll be coming with us,” Troy says, without missing a beat.
Parker turns to him. “Ah, will you buy me a pony too, rich athlete?”
“I would like a pony too,” Dante says seriously.
“No ponies,” he says, his eyes trailing over me in a look that’s anything but platonic. I shiver, and Troy’s lips lift in recognition before he pulls his son away from the money pit and hauls him on his shoulders. “Where should we go?”
“Disney?” Dante suggests.
“Maybe,” Troy says, absently glancing over at me. “When will you know if you’re taking the job?”
“Soon,” I promise as we exchange another look. I’m seriously considering the move despite the state of our relationship. I don’t want either one of them suffering without the other. Also, I don’t want the distance away from Troy.
“Oh, it’s the blue kind!” Dante says, pointing to a nearby concession stand. “Can I have one?”
“You just had a pushup, bud.”
“It’s the fair,” Parker scolds. “He should have one of everything.”
“True,” Troy says, looking over to me, seeking permission.
“Up to you.”
“Come on,” Parker insists, forever the doting ‘yes’ aunt.
A minute later, and after twenty questions, Dante stands on the table as a man guides his arm to catch the sweet fluffy cotton. Dante’s smile is breathtaking. He’s still somewhere between a baby and a boy, and it both hurts my heart and fills me with pride.
“Hey, man, there’s a line back here,” a guy grumbles from behind us.
Dante looks over to where the man stands, his smile fading slightly. Troy is the first to speak, turning back.
“You’ll get your turn. He’s almost got the hang of it. Chill out.”
“Seriously? He’s not getting the hang of it. Sometime today, guy.”
Troy glares back at the man, nothing but warning in his eyes.
“Troy, don’t,” I whisper.
Parker speaks up. “Are you really going to be that jerk that deprives a kid of a good time?”
The guy scours Parker’s appearance, a smug smirk on his face. He looks to be in his mid-twenties and straight off the set of a rerun of Jersey Shore. “I see you talking, but all I hear is moo, moo, moo, moo, moo. I mean, are you really one to talk about deprivation? It looks like you haven’t deprived yourself of a meal ever.”
My breath catches in my throat as Troy’s fist slams into his face, and he goes down in a wordless heap.
Gasps sound around us as Troy throws a twenty on the table, grabs a bag of ready cotton candy, lifts his son from where he stands motionless, and calmly walks away. Stunned, Parker and I silently follow him out of the carnival and into the parking lot.
“Sorry, bud,” Troy says to Dante, securing him into his seat.
“Can you teach me how to punch?” Dante askes, his eyes still wide, his face stained with the blue cotton candy.
Troy sighs. “I shouldn’t have done that. You know that, right? It’s not okay to hit.”
“I’m glad you punched him. He was mean to Auntie Parker.”
“That’s not what you do,” Troy says, clicking his seatbelt. He hands him a bottled water from the cooler he’d made, full of Dante’s favorite snacks. Too shocked to speak, I pile into the truck next to him while Parker, just as speechless, climbs in next to Dante.
“I’m sorry we had to leave,” Troy offers to everyone in the truck before turning the ignition.
“It’s okay, Daddy. You’re not the bad guy,” Dante says, assuring his father of the truth as I try not to lose my shit sitting next to him.
The ride home is filled with Dante’s musings on the situation. Troy patiently answers all of his questions as I reach back, holding out my hand for Parker, who I know, is quietly crying behind me, humiliated.
She squeezes my hand and lets go as I sit helpless, wanting to talk to her, to tell her she’s beautiful. To tell her misery loves company, and that bastard saw happiness and confidence, not her weight. It was her light he wanted to
dim.
But I can’t because I’ll only embarrass her further. The tension is palpable as Troy pulls in the driveway and turns back to address Parker after throwing his truck into park. His beautiful blue eyes sincere as he speaks.
“The first thing I thought when I looked at you, aside from fear you would rip me to shreds, was that you have the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen and the face to match. That’s the first thing I thought about you, Parker. It’s the truth. You’re beautiful. Truly. So please don’t let that asshole make you feel differently.” And with that, he gets out of the truck, collects his son, and makes his way toward the house.
Mouth gaping, I turn back to see Parker smiling through her tears. “And this is the man you didn’t want raising your son?” She looks back the way Troy retreated and then turns to me. “You think I have a shot with him?”
Tears gather in my eyes. “I’m so in love with him.”
“Well, that definitely puts a kink in my plans.”
“Do you think I still have a chance?”
“I saw the way he looked at you today. That’s not infatuation, Clarissa.”
“Parker, would you—”
“On it.”
She hops out of the truck and makes a beeline for Troy, taking Dante from his arms before kissing Troy’s cheek and walking Dante to her car. Troy stares on in disbelief turning back to me, his posture deflated, he walks into the house, the screen door slapping behind him. I follow on his heels, as he stands in the living room, his back to me, fuming, no doubt doing a mental count to ten, before he turns to me, arms crossed.
“Was that really necessary? I apologized. I know that wasn’t the right thing to—what are you doing?”
I drop my purse and slowly lift my T-shirt before unfastening my bra.
Troy watches on, the confusion in his eyes turning into heated curiosity.
“You once told me it’s not a story if you give up.” Unsure if this is seduction or idiocy, I exhale my fears and slowly let one side of my bra fall down my shoulder, then the other, before pulling the tie from my hair.
