by Coralee June
Despite the personal and physical growth I’d managed over the years, I still couldn’t shake him. I still looked around corners, hoping to find him watching me. I still stared at the camera on my phone, wondering if he was watching. Every time Mack called me, I still asked if he’d heard from Hunter, and every time I was answered with vacancy. He really was gone.
I licked at the sweat on my upper lip and threw my body into a final punch. The impact boomed and made my entire body vibrate. It felt fucking good. Almost better than sex.
Almost.
I gasped for air. My heart was racing, endorphins and pleasure rolling through me. I breathed heavily as I walked over to the bench and unwrapped my hands. The moment my fists were free of the tape, I stretched out my knuckles, uncurling my fingers and watching them shake.
One of the other regulars at the gym passed by me, and we exchanged an exhausted nod of solidarity. I never thought I would be the type of girl to spend all her free time at the gym, but it became a regular part of my routine. I liked to work until I was drenched in sweat and trembling from exhaustion. I liked to run until my lungs felt like they were on fire. This safe haven was a controlled space for working out my demons. The last few years had turned me into quite the masochist.
And when I wasn’t purging sweat from my pores, I was looking for him.
I could hear my phone ringing in my duffel bag. I already knew who it was. Nicole Knight was determined as hell. I guess that’s why we got along so well. You had to be committed to be in any sort of friendship with me. Maybe Hunter’s commitment issues were why he left.
I let it ring, not ready to deal with her insistence, but when she started calling again, I reached in my bag and pulled it out with a sigh.
“Hello?” I answered breathlessly.
“Where are you?” she asked in a whine. Her voice was like congested bells. “I thought you’d be home by now. I have a surprise for you.” I listened as she let out a squeal. Despite my broody mood, I cracked a smile at her excitement.
“Nicole,” I began in exasperation. She knew how I felt about my birthday. “I really hope you aren’t planning anything. We’ve talked about this.”
Nicole Knight was my best friend and, aside from Joel, my only friend. Getting to know me was like digging with your bare hands through cement, but that woman had claws of steel. She knew about Hunter. About my mother. About my fears. My likes. My dislikes. She probably knew what color my underwear was today simply because she had no personal boundaries and liked to storm into my bedroom while I got ready for the day.
With my free hand, I grabbed a towel and started wiping my face. My hair was drenched. My sports bra clung to my skin like a suction cup. “It’s not a birthday party,” she explained. “It’s a housewarming party. I thought we should celebrate the new apartment.”
“The apartment we moved into a year and a half ago?” I deadpanned. That sounded like an awfully big loophole, but I wasn’t about to argue. Nicole and I had been roommates ever since our high school graduation. We went to Denver Community College together, but she dropped out her sophomore year to become a stripper—and damn did she finally catch her parents’ attention. They completely cut her off, and she finally accepted that they cared more about their careers than her. She still stripped, and she was pretty good at it, too. Last month Nicole mentioned going back to school for her business degree so she could open a club of her own. She was no longer pretending to be the wild child for her parents’ sake. She’d owned up to her sexuality and really found herself.
When I switched to online classes at University of Phoenix, we decided to move closer to the club where she worked. I loved the location. Rent was pretty much my entire salary at the bookstore where I worked, but we got a very good deal. Nicole promised me that if I was ever short on rent, I could easily make the money up at the club where she worked. I have yet to take her up on that offer, though sometimes when I saw her fat stacks of cash, I considered it.
We didn’t live a grand life. We didn’t go off to our dream college or leave Colorado. But we made it work. We found adventures in the survival of it all.
“I really hope you didn’t invite a lot of people,” I said with a sigh. I wasn’t in the mood to talk to people. My head had been a very dark place all day. Hunter had been on my mind. I was almost ashamed of myself for still fantasizing about a man I hadn’t seen in five years. What was wrong with me? I couldn’t help but compulsively think back on our first conversation in the woods. When I closed my eyes, I could still smell his rosewood scent and hear his honey voice.
I’m not going to kiss you…
Why not?
Because I’m not some creep preying on high school girls.
I scoffed at the memory. You would think, after all this time, I would’ve let him go, but I couldn’t for some reason.
“Just come home already. It’ll be fun,” Nicole whined once more. I pictured her stomping her stilettos in our kitchen with her petite arms crossed over her chest. “I have a really awesome surprise that took a lot of planning.”
A surprise? That sounded awful. I couldn’t stay at the gym forever, though. “Okay. I’ll see you in about thirty minutes,” I replied before hanging up. I wanted to punch the bags until I passed out, but Nicole would’ve probably dragged me out of here, kicking and screaming, if I didn’t show up soon. That woman had superhuman stripper strength.
Maybe this would be a good thing. Maybe it would be the first step to celebrating my birthday. I could handle a housewarming party.
The walk home was short, and like a bad habit, I found myself looking over my shoulder for shadows lurking there. It was wishful thinking to hope that Hunter was following me, watching me. And when I took the elevator up to the seventh floor of my building, I stared at the security camera in the corner, daring Hunter to watch me get home.
I was pathetic.
The apartment was surprisingly quiet when I slid my key into the lock and turned the knob. Inside, all the lights were on, and the blinds were open, revealing the Denver city lights. I really did love our apartment. The open floor plan and chic decor was all Nicole’s idea. It wasn’t cluttered, and the furniture was minimalistic and comfortable. During the day, every inch of space was illuminated with natural light, thanks to the large, sweeping windows.
“Hello?” I said while setting my duffel bag on the kitchen island and rolling my neck. If this was Nicole’s idea of a housewarming party, then I was all for it. No one was here.
“Hey there, kid,” a gruff voice said from the hallway. I recognized it instantly. No way. I spun around and grinned.
“Mack?” My voice shook with disbelief. I was shocked to see him. Mack moved back to New York two years ago, and I hadn’t really seen him since. Our relationship was strained at best. I struggled to trust him when I found out he was hired, then hated him when he wouldn’t tell me where Hunter went.
But at the end of the day, he was the only family I had. I still loved him—but at a distance. We spent holidays together when we could, and he called like clockwork every Friday afternoon. Our relationship had evolved to a comfortable dynamic, though sometimes I missed the simplicity from when it was just the two of us in our tiny house. Back before I knew about Hunter. Back before I knew my entire life was an orchestrated attempt at forgetting a debt.
I ran up to him and wrapped him in a big hug. “You smell awful,” he choked before pulling away. Nicole’s desperate threats to get me home didn’t give me much time to shower, so I took a Febreze bath and hoped for the best.
“I was at the gym,” I explained sheepishly. Mack wrapped his beefy hand around my wrist and lifted my arm up. With this free hand, he squeezed my bicep and made a low whistle of amazement.
“I wouldn’t want to get into a fight with you. You’ve been toning up,” he admired, and I smiled. That was kind of the idea. Over the last five years, I’d somehow found a way to bridge my mother’s fear of death with my need to feel free. Instead of conquer
ing those fears by going into hiding, I made myself strong enough to handle whatever came my way. I wouldn’t say I felt invincible. But I did feel more capable than before.
“You think I could take you, old man?” I asked teasingly.
“Probably. I’m no spring chicken anymore.”
I playfully flexed at him and made a face. He chuckled for a long while, then locked his eyes on the script tattooed on my arm. “When did you get this?”
I looked at my forearm and smiled at the script there.
Let your damage breathe.
“Few months ago,” I replied with a shrug.
“I remember when I told you that,” Mack said in awe. His eyes started to fill with moisture. It was probably the most emotion I’ve seen from the man in my entire life.
“Guess it stuck with me,” I replied.
Mack and I chuckled and caught up for a little bit, though he evaded my questions about what he was up to in New York. I had assumed that he still worked for the Bullets with Hunter, but didn’t know for sure. Part of me wanted answers, but I also had experienced firsthand the consequences of getting involved with gang activity. I’d almost died because of it.
Mack complimented our apartment and asked me about work and my writing. The last couple of weeks, I’d been unable to write. My birthday liked to muzzle my muse, turning her into nothing but a whisper, but she would find me again.
“Where’s Nicole?” I asked finally.
As if summoned by my question, Nicole came barreling through the front door, carrying a white pastry box. Behind her was Joel. “It’s time to party, bitches!” Nicole shouted in greeting. Mack squeezed the bridge of his nose, and I just shook my head while grinning at Joel. Nicole was wearing a mini skirt and black tights with a pink crop top tied at her bellybutton. Her pixie hair was perfectly styled, and her long fake eyelashes cast shadows on her cheeks.
Joel was staring at her ass but quickly remembered that he was living in the friendzone and accordingly dragged his gaze to me. He smiled, his teeth bright and warm. Joel still had those piercing blue eyes but had grown paler since getting a job bartending at a nightclub. We jokingly called him a vampire on occasion.
“Happy birth—housewarming,” Joel said, correcting himself mid-sentence. Nicole put the box on the kitchen island, then elbowed him in the ribs. Joel and Nicole didn’t last very long on the relationship front, but all of us ended up making our weird friendship work. Once the angsty teenage love triangle had worn off, Joel was actually a decent friend to have. He sometimes caught himself flirting, but we were determined to not go down that path. Joel even lived in the same building as us. We would’ve gotten a three-bedroom, but we decided we didn’t want to meet all the girls that Joel liked to bring home every night. He had terrible taste in women—not including us.
He was one of the few people who knew Hunter existed—who witnessed the full story. Sometimes, I’d wondered if those few short weeks were even real. It was nice knowing I wasn’t crazy. I had a habit of getting lost in my own head. Joel and Nicole were always the people to pull me back out.
“I got a housewarming cheesecake to celebrate,” Nicole said while clapping her hands.
“And I swiped some top-shelf whiskey from the club,” Joel added, shrugging.
“I don’t even like whiskey,” I replied with an eye roll and curled lip of disgust. “I’m more of a boxed wine gal now.”
“But I like whiskey,” Joel teased. “I mean, if it were your birthday, I might have gotten you some chardonnay, but since we’re only celebrating a housewarming, it’s BYOB, bitches,” Joel replied with a cackle. “Shit,” Joel began. “I’m going to go grab some edibles from upstairs. Anyone want some?”
“No, thank you,” I replied with a giggle, and at the same time Nicole said, “Hell yes!”
Mack offered to accompany Joel so he could see his video game collection, and they both disappeared out of the front door.
Once they were gone, I hugged Nicole. “How’d you get Mack here?” I asked.
“I called,” she replied simplistically. “It wasn’t that hard to convince him. I think he’d visit a lot more; he’s just waiting for you to invite him.”
She was right. Things were just weird between us. I wanted to go back to how we were before, but I didn’t know how. I guess Mack didn’t know how either.
“I want you to think of a housewarming wish,” Nicole said while clapping her hands together. “I won’t make you blow out any candles, but you have to tell me what you wish for.”
She looked thoroughly proud of herself. “Do you get a housewarming wish?” I asked with one eyebrow raised.
“I already got mine. Joel is bringing edibles, remember?”
“Riiiiight,” I replied. “Mack being here is my wish.”
“Nope. Not good enough. Think of a wish, any wish.”
I bit my lip to keep my mouth from forming a name that was banned in our house. Nicole was really adamant that I move on from my obsession. She didn’t understand why I was still holding on. How could I possibly explain to her that he was rooted in my past, a shadow that had always been there and always would be? She didn’t like how I was always looking up mysterious deaths online, trying to trace them back to a hoodie-wearing assassin. She didn’t like that I obsessed over his name. I typed it into Google more times than I could count.
She wasn’t outwardly cruel about it. She understood that I had fixated on him for reasons neither of us could explain. She entertained me but didn’t encourage me, and I didn’t want to ruin our night with the sight of her disappointment.
“I’ll have to think about my wish,” I lied before wrapping my arms around her. “Thanks again for bringing Mack here.”
“Of course. You have a lot of people that love you, Roe. Don’t ever forget it,” she said into my neck before pulling away.
When Joel and Mack returned, we all settled in the living room to eat housewarming cheesecake. Nicole suggested we celebrate the housewarming every year on the same day, and I gave her the side-eye. Even though I still struggled with October fourth, this wasn’t so bad. Maybe I could do this in the future.
The night continued in a blur. Within an hour, Joel was laughing at stupid shit and was blazed as hell. Nicole, too. Mack mostly spoke to me, but I noticed him checking his phone numerous times. Every few minutes, I’d catch him with his head dipped and his face twisted in concentration as he typed on the keyboard. He never texted. His thumbs were too big to form words, so he avoided doing it completely. I briefly wondered if he was conducting Bullets business, and an idea sparked in my mind.
I knew what my wish was. I never allowed myself to wish before, but this year I just wanted one thing. I just had to convince my very high and super reluctant roommate to help me. Just this one more time.
I wrapped my arm around Nicole and murmured in her ear. “I’m going to go take a shower. Would you mind getting Mack drunk?”
Nicole tipped her head back and laughed loudly, drawing the attention of both Joel and Mack. “So it’s that kind of party, huh?” she asked. “I’m so down. I bet Mack is a flirty drunk.”
I curled my lip in disgust. “Ew. That’s not what I meant.” I leaned in closer to whisper in her ear. “I want his phone.”
I knew that Mack and Hunter were still in communication with one another. No matter how hard I tried or how much I snooped, Mack would not tell me where he was. I almost ended our relationship over it. Mack was devoted wholly to Hunter, and after a couple of years, I finally accepted that he wouldn’t reveal Hunter’s location. But my…birthday…had me feeling bold and sentimental. I’d been searching for Hunter the last five years, and maybe tonight I’d finally get a lead.
I pulled away from Nicole, and she gave me a sympathetic look. “Let’s get more cheesecake, hmm?” she asked before grabbing my wrist and pulling me toward the kitchen. Joel started talking to Mack about drunk girls at the club. “Are you sure you want to do that? You’re finally doing better,” she
whispered. I knew this was how she would respond. But I had to try anyway.
Nicole had seen the worst of my depression when Hunter left. I explained everything to her, and she held my hand when I cried. She watched me work out until I was puking on the sidewalk. She read all my angsty poems and would come over in the middle of the night with a gallon of ice cream and wine. Ironically, Hunter leaving solidified my friendship with Nicole.
“I just want to try one more time.”
“You’ve searched his cabin,” she hissed. “You’ve checked Mack’s computer and his cell phone already. There’s nothing left. It’s like he didn’t exist.”
I winced at her words. That was my greatest fear, that I’d imagined it all. My mother had delusions and mental health problems, so it terrified me to think that none of this really happened. He was like a ghost, leaving nothing but a scar from where my arm was broken.
“And don’t forget the road trip to Vegas because you thought you overheard Mack on the phone with him,” she added. “Or the time I gave that post office worker a blow job so we could check the forwarding address.”
I cringed. Hearing it out loud made me sound deranged. “I know.”
“I’m sorry,” Nicole said. “I just feel bad enabling your heartbreak. You know I’m all for chasing after the people you love. It’s how you got stuck with my crazy ass.” I cracked a smile, and she continued, “But it’s like chasing after someone not there.”
“I’ll stop after this,” I lied. I didn’t think I’d ever stop chasing after him.
“You said that last time,” she countered.
“I promise. It’s my…our housewarming. It’s time for a new beginning. You wanted my wish, and this is it. I want his cell phone.”
Nicole squinted her eyes and gnawed on her lip anxiously. We both turned to look at Mack, who was joking about car parts with Joel. “Okay,” she agreed in a whisper. “But next year, I get to sing you happy birthday.”
I swallowed. That song gave me panic attacks, but I needed her help if I wanted to get my hands on Mack’s phone. If I tried getting him drunk, he’d be suspicious. He guarded his phone and secret involvement with the Bullets like it was a precious diamond.
