by Clive Barker
The second package contained a much more innocent item: what appeared to be a fragment of statuary the size of her fist. One facet had been crudely marked with what could have been a weeping eye, a lactating nipple, or a bud seeping sap. The other facets revealed the structure of the block from which the image had been carved. It was predominantly a milky blue, but shot through with fine seams of black and red. She liked the feel of it in her hand and only reluctantly put it down to pick up the third parcel. The contents of this were the prettiest find: half a dozen pea-sized beads, which had been obsessively carved. She’d seen oriental ivories worked with this level of care, but they’d always been behind museum glass. She took one of them to the window to study more closely. The artist had carved the bead to give the impression that it was in fact a ball of gossamer thread, wound upon itself. Curious, and oddly inviting. As she turned it over in her fingers, and over, and over, she found her concentrationnarrowing, focusing on the exquisite interweaving of threads, almost as though there were an end to be found in the ball, and if she could only grasp it with her mind she might unravel it and discover some mystery inside. She had to force herself to look away, or she was certain the bead’s will would have overwhelmed her own, and she’d have ended up staring at its detail until she collapsed.
She returned to the desk and put the bead back among its fellows. Staring at it so intently had upset her equilibrium somewhat. She felt slightly dizzy, the litter she’d left on the desk slipping out of focus as she rifled through it. Her hands knew what she wanted, however, even if her conscious thought didn’t. One of them picked up the fragment of blue stone, while her other strayed back to the bead she’d relinquished. Two souvenirs: why not? A piece of stone and a bead. Who could blame her for dispossessing Estabrook of such minor items when he’d intended her so much harm? She pocketed them both without further hesitation and set about wrapping up the book and the remaining beads, returning them to the safe and closing it, and replacing drawing and key. Then she picked up the cloth in which the fragment had been wrapped, pocketed that, took the jewelry, and returned to the front door, turning off the lights as she went. At the door she remembered she’d opened the kitchen windowand headed back to close it. She didn’t want the place burglarized in her absence. There was only one thief who had right of trespass here, and that was her.
III
She felt well satisfied with the morning’s work and treated herself to a glass of wine with her spartan lunch, then started unpacking her loot. As she laid her hostage clothes out on the bed, her thoughts returned to the pillow book. She regretted leaving it now; it would have been the perfect gift for Gentle, who doubtless imagined he’d indulged every physical excess known to man. No matter. She’d find an opportunity to describe its contents to him one of these days and astonish him with her memory for depravity.
A call from Clem interrupted her work. He spoke so softly she had to strain to hear. The news was grim. Taylor was at death’s door, he said, having two days before succumbed to another sudden bout of pneumonia. He refused to be hospitalized, however. His last wish, he’d said, was to die where he had lived.
“He keeps asking for Gentle,” Clem explained. “And I’ve tried to telephone him but he doesn’t answer. Do you know if he’s gone away?”
“I don’t think so,” she said. “But I haven’t spoken to him since Christmas Night.”
“Could you try and find him for me? Or rather for Taylor? If you could maybe go round to the studio and rouse him? I’d go myself but I daren’t leave the house. I’m afraid as soon as I step outside . . .” He faltered, tears in his breath. “I want to be here if anything happens.”
“Of course you do. And of course I’ll go. Right now.”
“Thanks. I don’t think there’s much time, Judy.”
Before she left she tried calling Gentle, but as Clem had already warned her, nobody answered. She gave up after two attempts, put on her jacket, and headed out to the car. As she reached into her pocket for the keys she realized she’d brought the stone and the bead with her, and some superstition made her hesitate, wondering if she should deposit them back inside. But time was of the essence. As long as they remained in her pocket, who was going to see them? And even if they did, what did it matter? With death in the air who was going to care about a few purloined bits and pieces?
She had discovered the night she’d left Gentle at the studio that he could be seen through the window if she stood on the opposite side of the street, so when he failed to answer the door, that was where she went to spy him. The room seemed to be empty, but the bare bulb was burning. She waited a minute or so and he stepped into view, shirtless and bedraggled. She had powerful lungs and used them now, hollering his name. He didn’t seem to hear at first. But she tried again, and this time he looked in her direction, crossing to the window.
“Let me in!” she yelled. “It’s an emergency.”
The same reluctance she read in his retreat from the window was on his face when he opened the door. If he had looked bad at the party, he looked considerably worse now.
“What’s the problem?” he said.
“Taylor’s very sick, and Clem says he keeps asking for you.”
Gentle looked bemused, as though he was having difficulty remembering who Taylor and Clem were.
“You have to get cleaned up and dressed,” she said. “Furie, are you listening to me?”
She’d always called him Furie when she was irritated with him, and that name seemed to work its magic now. Though she’d expected some objection from him, given his phobia where sickness was concerned, she got none. He looked too drained to argue, his stare somehow unfinished, as though it had a place it wanted to rest but couldn’t find. She followed him up the stairs into the studio.
“I’d better clean up,” he said, leaving her in the midst of the chaos and going into the bathroom.
She heard the shower run. As ever, he’d left the bathroom door wide open. There was no bodily function, to the most fundamental, he’d ever shown the least embarrassment about, an attitude which had shocked her at first but which she’d taken for granted after a time, so that she’d had to relearn the laws of propriety when she’d gone to live with Estabrook.
“Will you find a clean shirt for me?” he called through to her. “And some underwear?”
It seemed to be a day for going through other people’s belongings. By the time she’d found a denim shirt and a pair of over-washed boxer shorts, he was out of the shower, standing in front of the bathroom mirror combing his wet hair back from his brow. His body hadn’t changed since she’d last looked at it naked. He was as lean as ever, his buttocks and belly tight, his chest smooth. His hooded prick drew her eye: the part that truly gave the lie to Gentle’s name. It was no great size in this passive state, but it was pretty even so. If he knew he was being scrutinized he made no sign of it. He peered at himself in the mirror without affection, then shook his head.
“Should I shave?” he said.
“I wouldn’t worry about it,” she said. “Here’s your clothes.”
He dressed quickly, repairing to his bedroom to find a pair of boots, leaving her to idle in the studio while he did so. The painting of the couple she’d seen on Christmas Night had gone, and his equipment—paints, easel, and primed canvases—had been unceremoniously dumped in a corner. In their place, newspapers, many of their pages bearing reports on a tragedy she had only noted in passing: the death by fire of twenty-one men, women, and children in an arson attack in South London. She didn’t give the reports close scrutiny. There was enough to mourn this gloomy afternoon.
Clem was pale but tearless. He embraced them both at the front door, then ushered them into the house. The Christmas decorations were still up, awaiting Twelfth Night, the perfume of pine needles sharpening the air.
“Before you see him, Gentle,” Clem said. “I should explain that he’s got a lot of drugs in his system, so he drifts in and out. But he wanted to see you so badly.�
��
“Did he say why?” Gentle asked.
“He doesn’t need a reason, does he?” Clem said softly. “Will you stay, Judy? If you want to see him when Gentle’s been in . . .”
“I’d like that.”
While Clem took Gentle up to the bedroom, Jude went through to the kitchen to make a cup of tea, wishing as she did so that she’d had the foresight to tell Gentle as they drove about how Taylor had talked of him the week before, particularly the tale about his speaking in tongues. It might have provided Gentle with some sense of what Taylor needed to know from him now. The solving of mysteries had been much on Taylor’s mind on Christmas Night. Perhaps now, whether drugged or not, he hoped to win some last reprieve from his confusion. She doubted Gentle would have any answers. The look she’d seen him give the bathroom mirror had been that of a man to whom even his own reflection was a mystery.
Bedrooms were only ever this hot for sickness or love, Gentle thought as Clem ushered him in: for the sweating out of obsession or contagion. It didn’t always work, of course, in either case, but at least in love failure had its satisfactions. He’d eaten very little since he’d departed the scene in Streatham, and the stale heat made him feel light-headed. He had to scan the room twice before his eyes settled on the bed in which Taylor lay, so nearly enveloped was it by the soulless attendants of modern death: an oxygen tank with its tubes and mask; a table loaded with dressings and towels; another, with a vomit bowl, bedpan, and towels; and beside them a third, carrying medication and ointments. In the midst of this panoply was the magnet that had drawn them here, who now seemed very like their prisoner. Taylor was propped up on plastic-covered pillows, with his eyes closed. He looked like an ancient. His hair was thin, his frame thinner still, the inner life of his body—bone, nerve, andvein—painfully visible through skin the color of his sheet. It was all Gentle could do not to turn and flee before the man’s eyes flickered open. Death was here again, so soon. A different heat this time, and a different scene, but he was assailed by the same mixture of fear and ineptitude he’d felt in Streatham.
He hung back at the door, leaving Clem to approach the bed first and softly wake the sleeper.
Taylor stirred, an irritated look on his face until his gaze found Gentle. Then the anger at being called back into pain went from his brow, and he said, “You found him.”
“It was Judy, not me,” Clem said.
“Oh, Judy. She’s a wonder,” Taylor murmured.
He tried to reposition himself on the pillow, but the effort was beyond him. His breathing became instantly arduous, and he flinched at some discomfort the motion brought.
“Do you want a painkiller?” Clem asked him.
“No, thanks,” he said. “I want to be clearheaded, so Gentle and I can talk.” He looked across at his visitor, who was still lingering at the door. “Will you talk to me for a while, John?” he said. “Just the two of us?”
“Of course,” Gentle said.
Clem moved from beside the bed and beckoned Gentle across. There was a chair, but Taylor patted the bed, and it was there Gentle sat, hearing the crackle of the plastic undersheet as he did so.
“Call if you need anything,” Clem said, the remark directed not at Taylor but at Gentle. Then he left them alone.
“Could you pour me a glass of water?” Taylor asked.
Gentle did so, realizing as he passed it to Taylor that his friend lacked the strength to hold it for himself. He put it to Taylor’s lips. There was a salve on them, which moistened them lightly, but they were still split, and puffy with sores. After a few sips Taylor murmured something.
“Enough?” Gentle said.
“Yes, thanks,” Taylor replied. Gentle set the glass down. “I’ve had just about enough of everything. It’s time it was all over.”
“You’ll get strong again.”
“I didn’t want to see you so we could sit and lie to each other,” Taylor said. “I wanted you here so I could tell you how much I’ve been thinking about you. Night and day, Gentle.”
“I’m sure I don’t deserve that.”
“My subconscious thinks you do,” Taylor replied. “And, while we’re being honest, the rest of me too. You don’t look as if you’re getting enough sleep, Gentle.”
“I’ve been working, that’s all.”
“Painting?”
“Some of the time. Looking for inspiration, you know.”
“I’ve got a confession to make,” Taylor said. “But first, you’ve got to promise you won’t be angry with me.”
“What have you done?”
“I told Judy about the night we got together,” Taylor said. He stared at Gentle as if expecting there to be some eruption. When there was none, he went on, “I know it was no big deal to you,” he said. “But it’s been on my mind a lot. You don’t mind, do you?”
Gentle shrugged. “I’m sure it didn’t come as any big surprise to her.”
Taylor turned his hand palm up on the sheet, and Gentle took it. There was no power in Taylor’s fingers, but he closed them round Gentle’s hand with what little strength he had. His grip was cold.
“You’re shaking,” Taylor said.
“I haven’t eaten in a while,” Gentle said.
“You should keep your strength up. You’re a busy man.”
“Sometimes I need to float a little bit,” Gentle replied.
Taylor smiled, and there in his wasted features was a phantom glimpse of the beauty he’d had.
“Oh, yes,” he said. “I float all the time. I’ve been all over the room. I’ve even been outside the window, looking in at myself. That’s the way it’ll be when I go, Gentle. I’ll float off, only that one time I won’t come back. I know Clem’s going to miss me—we’ve had half a lifetime together—but you and Judy will be kind to him, won’t you? Make him understand how things are, if you can. Tell him how I floated off. He doesn’t want to hear me talk that way, but you understand.”
“I’m not sure I do.”
“You’re an artist,” he said.
“I’m a faker.”
“Not in my dreams, you’re not. In my dreams you want to heal me, and you know what I say? I tell you I don’t want to get well. I say I want to be out in the light.”
“That sounds like a good place to be,” Gentle said. “Maybe I’ll join you.”
“Are things so bad? Tell me. I want to hear.”
“My whole life’s fucked, Tay.”
“You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. You’re a good man.”
“You said we wouldn’t tell lies.”
“That’s no lie. You are. You just need someone to remind you once in a while. Everybody does. Otherwise we slip back into the mud, you know?”
Gentle took tighter hold of Taylor’s hand. There was so much in him he had neither the form nor the comprehension to express. Here was Taylor pouring out his heart about love and dreams and how it was going to be when he died, and what did he, Gentle, have by way of contribution? At best, confusion and forgetfulness. Which of them was the sicker, then? he found himself thinking. Taylor, who was frail but able to speak his heart? Or himself, whole but silent? Determined he wouldn’t part from this man without attempting to share something of what had happened to him, he fumbled for some words of explanation.
“I think I found somebody,” he said. “Somebody to help me . . . remember myself.”
“That’s good.”
“I’m not sure,” he said, his voice gossamer. “I’ve seen some things in the last few weeks, Tay . . . things I didn’t want to believe until I had no choice. Sometimes I think I’m going crazy.”
“Tell me.”
“There was someone in New York who tried to kill Jude.”
“I know. She told me about it. What about him?” His eyes widened. “Is this the somebody?” he said.
“It’s not a he.”
“I thought Judy said it was a man.”
“It’s not a man,” Gentle said. “It’s not a woman, ei
ther. It’s not even human, Tay.”
“What is it then?”
“Wonderful,” he said quietly.
He hadn’t dared use a word like that, even to himself. But anything less was a lie, and lies weren’t welcome here.
“I told you I was going crazy. But I swear if you had seen the way it changed . . . it was like nothing on earth.”
“And where is it now?”
“I think it’s dead,” Gentle replied. “I wasted too long to find it. I tried to forget I’d ever set eyes on it. I was afraid of what it was stirring up in me. And then when that didn’t work I tried to paint it out of my system. But it wouldn’t go. Of course, it wouldn’t go. It was part of me by that time. And then when I finally went to find it . . . it was too late.”
“Are you sure?” Taylor said. Knots of discomfort had appeared on his face, as Gentle talked, and were tightening.
“Are you all right?”
“Yes, yes,” he said. “I want to hear the rest.”
“There’s nothing else to hear. Maybe Pie’s out there somewhere, but I don’t know where.”
“Is that why you want to float? Are you hoping—” He stopped, his breathing suddenly turning into gasps. “You know, maybe you should fetch Clem,” he said.
“Of course.”
Gentle went to the door, but before he reached it Taylor said, “You’ve got to understand, Gentle. Whatever the mystery is, you’ll have to see it for us both.”
With his hand on the door, and ample reason to beat a hasty retreat, Gentle knew he could still choose silence over a reply, could take his leave of the ancient without accepting the quest. But if he answered, and took it, he was bound.
“I’m going to understand,” he said, meeting Taylor’s despairing gaze. “We both are. I swear.”
Taylor managed to smile in response, but it was fleeting. Gentle opened the door and headed out onto the landing. Clem was waiting.
