All About Me

by Joanna Mazurkiewicz

  That was not cool, Oliver, not cool at all.

  “Rhian, are you all right?” I ask her, situating myself next to her. She was upset when I broke up with her all those months ago. Thinking about it, I realise I’ve changed. I didn’t even know how much I hurt people until the roles turned.

  She lifts her head, staring at me from under her long dark eyelashes. I have no clue how long she’s been sitting here, but her eyes are red and swollen.

  “Oliver? What… what are you doing here?”

  “Just hanging out, trying to clear my head. What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”

  She shakes her head, wiping the tears from her eyes. I don’t know why I had been such an arsehole to her. At least I could have grown a pair of balls and told her that I didn’t love her. As usual, I was too caught up with my own ego to notice what kind of damage I’d done.

  “It’s Malcolm. We went out a few times and I saw him making out with MacKenzie earlier on.” She sobs.

  I work out my knuckles, trying to breathe. Fucking MacKenzie. Why does she always interfere with other people’s business? Now I see myself from a few months ago. Treating girls like possessions. Rhian is hot and she deserves someone who appreciates her. I flop my arm around her and push her to my chest.

  “Don’t stress. Malcolm is obviously too thick too notice how good you are for him. You’re hot and he’s an idiot. MacKenzie will play with him for a little bit, then break his heart. He will come crawling back.”

  Rhian’s sobs die down and she looks up at me, her mouth lifting up in a small smile. I hate knowing that I was like Malcolm, that I slept around just to shut down the demons from the past.

  “He can go to hell for all I care,” she says with a shrug and then pulls away from me. “Besides, what are you trying to do, Oliver? I’m not fucking you again.”

  I pinch my eyebrows together and run my hand through my hair. This is what I’m talking about. Rhian only sees what she gets. Oliver Morgan, a guy who is a man-whore and who uses girls. Fuck, how can I not hate myself?

  “Rhian, I’m not here for that. I just wanted to get away from the crowd.”

  “Right.”

  “Listen, I owe you an apology… when we dated I wasn’t completely honest with you,” I say, knowing that I should do more than just apologise. Rhian had never done anything wrong. “All my life I loved only one girl, but I realised this way too late.”

  She gets up, widening her eyes at me. “Oh my God, so it’s true then? You want to hurt her more. You’re an ars—”

  “No, Rhian, no, this isn’t like that. I love India, but I’ve destroyed her feelings for me. I cared about you and I should have never asked you out, so I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry for dumping you.”

  Silence stretches for minutes, and Rhian doesn’t respond. I should be apologising to every girl that I ever hurt because only now can I see that I went about destroying whatever was in my way just to feel better about myself.

  “It’s all right. I never expected us to be serious, but you ended things between us so quickly.”

  “I just wasn't thinking. Come on, let’s get you out of here. I’ll get you a taxi home.”

  “Thank you, Olie. Please don’t tell people that you found me like that.”

  “Don’t worry, I need to grow up if I want India to take me seriously, and you deserve better than Malcolm.”

  Rhian gives me a smile as we walk back towards the entrance. I take out my phone and call her a cab. For some reason I feel like I need to get out of that party, go somewhere, blow off some steam. When I get back in the house, there are rumours floating around that the police are going to show up. My man Jacob looks slightly lost, holding a drunk Dora. I offer to help her to a taxi. He agrees and the three of us get in a taxi. Dora can’t even walk, so we both almost carry her to his room. That girl doesn’t know her limits. She is worse than me.

  Strangely, I don’t feel as lonely as I used to when I think about the past. Right now I still have people around me; back then I was different. It was easier to slip into the skin of someone else when my mother looked at me and shook her head in disgust. It was hard then.

  Past

  I first noticed how my mother favoured my brother when I was about five or six. It all came up when she praised him about doing well in school or at home. She never showed me the same pride. I remember crying when he got a new race car because of his school report. Even then I heard her saying to herself that I should have never been born. I grew up convinced that there was something wrong with me, that I wasn’t worth her attention. My father was fairer, but in the end it was Christian who always got what he wanted. Dad tried with me on a number of occasions, yeah. However, in the end, there was always that invisible distance between us.

  I kept asking my mother from an early age why she treated me so differently, but it was always the same answer.

  “Don’t be silly, Olie. Christian is just older.”

  A few years later, we all moved to Gargle because of my father’s work. From then on, I saw less and less of him. My mother kept having these low periods, when she locked herself in her room and cried.

  Christian started going out with India shortly after we were enrolled at school. He never bothered to worry about our mother. He liked his freedom. A year after the move, my mother’s “crazy” episodes were slowly getting out of control. Most of the time I was the one who had to stay and look after her. That was when I got the most abuse. Christian knew how to manipulate the situation. He couldn’t stand weak people.

  As soon as I turned thirteen I died my hair black. I had some pocket money and I spent it all on a new black wardrobe. My mother didn’t even notice; that’s how indifferent she was towards me. Christian made a few snarky comments. At school my friends turned against me. Only India kept talking to me. She told me that she liked my new style, and for some reason I felt better acting like someone else. It wasn’t long before I started getting the reputation of a loser. It was Christian who sparked up the rumours at school.

  I felt better pretending that I wasn’t part of the family. My brother got everything: the girlfriend, the car for his birthday, the popularity in high school, and he was a great athlete. I got left only with friends that were with me because of him. People desired to be around him. My new self helped me with the situation at home. I’d been doing research about my mother’s illness and I tried to talk to Dad, but he didn’t want to listen. Christian wasn’t much help. He only showed interest if he wanted something from her. They thought that there was nothing wrong with her.

  Present

  A couple days after the party, Rhian starts sitting with me in the canteen. She laughs at Malcolm when he tries to talk to her in the corridor. I feel a little better after fixing things with her, but India’s pain still turns my gut every time I see her. Each day she is my only motivation to get out of bed. She drives me to keep going. I want to redeem myself from her rancour. Wherever I go, she doesn’t even notice me or acknowledge my presence, pretending that she is happy with Evans, taking a step forward. It’s been weeks since I broke up with her in the restaurant, and since then I only spoke to her twice. She kept her secret for years and lived with it, and for me it’s only been a few weeks. I love her and it kills me that I didn’t help her with the healing process.

  On Thursday night I’m alone in the library, trying to finish some coursework, which is a first. A few months ago my life was different. I’d been partying and not worrying about Uni work. Now I’m trying to figure out how to make her look at me again. Rumours about me are still going around campus. People say that I’m on a crusade to destroy Russell and India’s relationship, that I can’t let her be happy. People don’t know anything about me. They can say whatever they want, but I’ll prove to them that I’m worthy of her love once again.

  I take the pen in my hand and look at the white paper in front of me. Fuck! I think this is the first time I’ve ever written a proper letter to anyone. India doesn’t want to l
isten to me, so I’m going to send her a letter. Maybe I’ll get lucky and she’ll get that I understand her pain and these traumatic events that shaped her into the person that she is now.

  There are other options, but right now I can’t worry about what she might do with the letter once she gets it. She may tear it apart or maybe post it on Facebook just to humiliate me. Whatever she does with it, I don’t care as long as she reads it. I’m planning to be fucking honest with her. I want her to read it. Everyone who knows me is aware that this doesn’t happen to me very often.

  I take a few deep breaths to give myself some encouragement. Her letters were painful to read. It ripped my soul apart and when I think about her words, I want to change everything I’ve done in the past.

  Chapter Eight

  One letter.

  Present

  Dear India,

  It’s better this way. I know that you don’t want to even look at me, but I want to tell you that you were right about me. I’m nothing special and it’s too late to take my cruelty back.

  This is my way of saying that I was a mean motherfucker and I shouldn’t have done what I did to anyone. No one deserves the pain that I put you through.

  I was blinded by my own ego, the desire for revenge, and by anger. You brought Christian’s name back, wanting to explain, but my emotions quickly overwhelmed me and I snapped.

  Yeah, there was a bet and I set it all up once you showed up in Braxton, but then things between us changed. You were there for me during my father’s funeral, when I needed you the most. As soon as we came back I ditched this cruel prank, told everyone that I wasn’t willing to go through with it any longer. I didn’t want to hurt you. The past few weeks that we had together were blissful. You showed me how to live and breathe again.

  I’m sorry that I hurt you. This probably doesn’t mean anything to you, but if I could change the past, I wouldn’t hesitate for a second to do it.

  You were the only one that I always wanted to be with.

  I love you, but I realised this too late to take back what I said.

  We both had fallen in love with each other that first moment at school. It was our moment and no one is ever going to take it away. You were my shining star, the only person who made sense. Even after you hated me for what my own brother did to you, you were still my star.

  I left Gargle, but I never stopped thinking about you. I went to Scotland like you probably heard, but I knew that wasn’t the place where I was supposed to be.

  India, I always knew I wanted to go to Braxton. You had talked about this a lot and I could’t stay away. When I decided to transfer, I did it just to be close to you.

  I waited a year for you. It took me a long twelve months to be ready to see you again. Gargle wasn’t my home anymore and I wanted to start over.

  Then you came along and I wanted to tell you that we could forget about the past and that I forgave you, but the anger that I’d been carrying for so long blinded me.

  I realise now that you tried to tell me about Christian, probably many times, but I was never willing to listen.

  I want to say I am sorry for all the pain I caused you. I want to say I am sorry I hit you with that rugby ball and that I made your life miserable in your beloved Braxton. I’m sorry I made that bet with Sam about you.

  You hate me now and, yes, I humiliated you, and destroyed our love, but I want to fix this.

  I’m sorry and I love you. I can repeat it over and over again.

  You are part of me, my missing soul and missing piece. Let’s start with friendship first. Let me show you that I’m not that fucked up and I can be with you without desiring you. There is still warmth left within me. You have been shining on me for most of my life. I want you to keep shining on me for years to come...

  You brightened my days. You were and are my shining star.

  I’m sorry.

  Oliver

  This isn’t the best that I can do, but it’s just part of my plan to gain her trust. She might look at it and throw it away, or she may throw it at my face. Either way, I’m sending it to her. I read it again, slide the letter inside and then lick the envelope. My palms are damp with sweat when I think about her reaction.

  Fuck it, I say it to myself. I might have replaced her with dozens of other girls, but that doesn’t mean she won’t come back to me now. I get out of the library and push the letter into a red box. That’s it now; it’s done. India is going to read my apology. She won’t just forget about what happened in the restaurant and that fucking Sam. I didn’t take that five hundred quid from him after all. Yeah, I won the bet, but I didn’t want his fucking money.

  On my way home I know that it’s time for me to think about the past, face the years that I wasted. During my recent visit, my pathetic mother pretended that she cared after all. So now I guess it’s time to pay her another visit, to figure out where I went wrong. It’s time to go back to Gargle.

  I share my plans with Jacob; he is the only person that knows that I’m heading back home. I sent the letter to India on Thursday night, so she won’t get it until Saturday or possibly Monday. I skip a class on Friday and I’m heading home straight away. It looks like Jacob had a fight with Dora, because he comes home early and in a very shitty mood.

  “Why are you in such a hurry?” he asks, massaging the nape of his neck.

  “I need to speak to my mother urgently,” I say.

  “In that case, I’m going with you. Dora pissed me off and I’d rather be busy doing something else,” he says.

  “Okay, great. Gargle is a shit hole, but we both can do with the break. My mother should be all right with you staying over. Besides, we can always crash with one of my mates.”

  I start to wonder how my mother is going to react when I show up on her doorstep without a warning. I left quite abruptly after the funeral. Mum seemed upset about my father, but she was coping. After all, they were divorced, but his death was unexpected. We were never close and after I moved to Scotland, he never once called me or visited. It was like I was never his son.

  Both my parents grieved after my perfect brother. This was fucking typical. They didn’t even realise what kind of monster they brought to this world. I don’t want to think about this now, so I pack my shit and we both leave and drive to Gargle.

  “Dora will be pissed that you disappeared with me,” I mutter to him. He narrows his eyes, gripping the wheel tighter.

  “She’ll get over it eventually.”

  “How is India? Is she talking about me at all?”

  Okay, maybe this question is below the belt, but Jacob is around my girl all the time. I’m eager to hear any news.

  “Seems fine and no she doesn’t talk about you at all. Dora made it clear that no one in their house is allowed to mention your name,” he says.

  “I posted an apology letter to her,” I blurt out, scratching my head like it’s no big deal.

  My best mate raises his left eyebrow. “And do you think that this is going to work?” he asks after a moment of silence.

  “No, but it’s just small step. Evans is already feeling threatened by me, and he should be. My plan is set in motion.”

  “Dora wants me to cut all ties with you. That’s what we fought about. She says that you don’t deserve a friend like me.”

  “I’m a dick, but I’m going to turn it around. Don’t stress. She is too much in love with you to give you that sort of ultimatum.”

  He doesn’t say anything to that, but I notice a small smile on his face. If I can convince Dora that I’m not such a dick after all, then I can win India over quicker.

  “Just bear in mind, man, my mother is on meds because of her bipolar illness. She is still crazy though,” I say, stretching my arms above my head.

  “It’s fine. I’m used to crazy shit, as long as I don’t bump into a few of Dora’s exes. From what I can gather, she must have dated half of that town.”

  “Yeah, she was popular in high school, that I can tell you.”
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  It’s better for both of us if I don’t say anything else. It’s Jacob’s life; he chose a girl that loves attention. It’s not my business to tell him who he should fuck. This trip is about me, but I need to make sure that I keep him away from Dora’s exes. It’s easier if he doesn’t know what she has been up to.

  When we finally get to Gargle, it’s late at night. The traffic is packed halfway through and we spend a good two hours stuck on a motorway.

  I can’t believe that I was only here a few months ago burying my father, who never cared enough about me. Christian’s other car is still in the garage, and I might take it. Before, I used to feel guilty for taking my dead brother’s things. Now, I think I deserve them. The scumbag should have died sooner.

  Once we start unpacking stuff from the car, my mother shows up at the door. She looks good for someone with mental health problems. “Oliver, my God, you didn’t mention that you were visiting,” she says.

  “I’m being spontaneous, mother,” I mutter. “This is my mate, Jacob. He is going to stay for a night.”

  She looks baffled. “Oh, great. Have you boys had food?”

  “No, we are starving,” Jacob replies quickly with a huge grin as we walk into the house.

  “Well, then, I have steaks.”

  My mother cooks now. Wow, that’s a first, but hey, I changed, so maybe she can too. The house has gone through a little bit of modernisation. Mum obviously is trying to put her life back on track. From the outside it looks like it’s working out, but by Monday I’ll know for sure if she is doing this for real.

  “So where is India? I thought she might come with you?” she asks. And I thought that my night was going to end well.

  Jacob mutters something about putting his stuff upstairs, bailing out on me quickly. My mother is looking at me intensely.