All About Me

by Joanna Mazurkiewicz

  Present

  My memory fails me and later on I’m so drunk that I don’t know how I manage to get home. I can’t even keep my balance. Mother shows up in the middle of the night while I’m puking my guts out in the toilet.

  “Oliver, for goodness sake, you are drunk!” she shouts.

  I think I might have sworn at her a few times until I finally passed out in the living room. For some time I think Mum tried to drag me back to the room, but in the end she gave up, leaving me downstairs. That night is a complete blur.

  When the morning comes, I feel like shit. My head feels like someone has been drilling a hole in it for the past few hours and forgot to close me up. Bright light blinds me and after a few minutes I realise that I’m on the floor, lying half-naked by the sofa.

  “Are you awake?” Mum stands in front of me looking pissed, folding her arms together with a very angry look on her face. I lift my hands, trying to block bright, streaming light. My stomach heaves and I moan.

  “No, I’m going back to bed,” I growl.

  “Oliver, you were out of line last night, coming home drunk and making a mess. This is unacceptable.”

  “Chill out, Mum, I’m dying here,” I say, lifting myself up. My head is fucking banging and right now, the last thing I want to do is fight with her.

  She marches to the kitchen, muttering something about responsibility.

  “So that’s why you came home?” she asks, passing me a glass of orange juice. The world around me starts to spin.

  “No, Mum. India is in town and we talked yesterday.”

  Right, normally I don’t share stuff like that with my toxic mother, but last night was a reality check for me. India is in a relationship with another guy and she is not planning to leave him just because I came to my senses.

  She looks at me with reservation, but her expression changes slowly to a worried one. I have to look at her.

  “And that’s why you got drunk? Just because you two talked?”

  “Yeah, Mum, that’s exactly what happened. India is the love of my life, but it doesn’t look like we are going to be together again.”

  This isn’t like me at all, but for some reason the hangover gets to me and I start telling her about what I did, how I treated her when she first came to Braxton. The words just poured out of me and for some reason, I couldn’t stop. I had never talked to her about how I felt or why I was so distant. The subject of the past and my years in high school comes up. I tell my mother how India turned on me, how she spread rumours about me, just to deal with her own pain. My mother had no idea that I was ostracised by the whole school and because of India I became a loser, a person that everyone picked on. My mother listens without making any comments, but as I talk about the past it becomes clear to her that India and I loved each other from the very beginning.

  “I understand your anger and India’s pain, but I don’t know what to say or what advice to give you. I get why she is not ready to forgive you.”

  “Of course you do, but I won’t let go. I’ll keep fighting for her.”

  She sighs, massaging her temples as we both sit down at the table with a cup of coffee. “Oliver, I have to tell you something and maybe my confession will let you understand my actions a little better.”

  Mum seems distressed and this only confuses me even more, because I don’t know what she is planning to tell me. I hope it’s good news because I don’t think I can take anymore shit today.

  “Tell me what, Mum?”

  She drops her gaze to the cup of coffee, biting her lips and shutting her eyes for a second. She looks lost and for the first time in my life I feel like I missed something, a piece of my own self. My heart starts galloping in my chest because I instantly sense that she is trying hard to keep going, to keep talking.

  “Your father, he wasn’t a good man. He was violent towards me and your brother saw it many times.”

  I don’t move, tensing my muscles hard. Some days I did notice stuff. Father was cold. He treated Mum and me like we never meant anything to him, but I never questioned his behaviour.

  “How violent?” I ask, already knowing the answer to that question, because new memories wash over me. Violent, sick memories that I buried inside me for years. My father was a psychotic motherfucker, and that’s why Christian acted the way he did to India.

  “A few months after your brother was born, I filed for divorce and he didn’t like it, so he raped me.”

  That last sentence doesn’t get to me at first. My mother’s face contracts with a new dose of pain and humiliation. I lift my head feeling like a total asshole right now, but the bad news just keep coming.

  “He used violence against me and then he raped me. Nine months after, you were born and I never filed for that divorce.”

  My mind explodes as I try to gather my fucking thoughts. Her whole story seems unbelievably real. I try to breathe, but the air seems too thick, and for a moment my breaths are long and laboured. In a matter of seconds, everything slowly starts to make sense. Mum’s illness, the way she was around my father. The way she used to say that I was never supposed to be born. I get up abruptly shaking my head, trying to say something, but no words come out. It’s like my brain has frozen up, pushing me to another universe. Like my past is a one huge pile of lies.

  “Oliver, I’m sorry that I was so bitter and I never gave you any affection. Your father ruined my life; he made me ill and I felt so trapped. I should have sought help.”

  Thoughts and emotions are colliding inside me like a rainstorm, making me want to wreck everything that is in front of me. Fuck, this is beyond anything that I’d imagined, but I shouldn’t be surprised. My father began that vicious cycle and Christian always tried to be like him. I thought that it was just India that had been hurt by the monster, but now it’s clear that the problem was rooted deeper than I thought.

  “That fucking motherfucker,” I say, clenching my fists and baring my teeth. Mum’s tears only make this moment more difficult. My life has been fucked up because of this tragedy from years ago, my father’s sick sexual urges. God, I hate him so much. I would have killed him myself if he’d been still alive.

  “Oliver, he’s dead now. There is nothing that you can do. I just want you to understand my reasons and try to forgive me. It was cruel of me to blame you and hurt you, to make an innocent child pay for my pain. I love you. I always have, but it was difficult for me being trapped in a life with a man that hurt me. I was numb for years, unable to deal with my pain.”

  “It’s fine. I get it now. I left because I couldn’t stand being here.”

  “I know, baby.”

  “I should have stayed, but I was angry. If you would have only told me.”

  Then she hugs me and I don’t know what to do, so I embrace her.

  “You’re my son and I’m blessed that you’re in this world.”

  The fighting, screams and tears… none of this was my fault. My fucking father ruined this whole family even before I was born. Mum starts telling me how her parents encouraged her to get married when she was very young. She didn’t want to disappoint them, so she obeyed even if their decision made her unhappy. For a moment I feel like I have her back and I don’t have to hide anymore. Not everything can be fixed straight away, but I get it now. I understand why all those years ago she hated me. The past was horrible, but my future is bright and I’ll make sure that we are both happy.

  My head still hurts when I get to the shower later on. In the afternoon, I try to revise, but my brain can’t cope with everything that went on earlier. Maybe God thought that my mother and I both had suffered enough, so he took away the problem by killing my brother and father, just to give us an easier life.

  Tomorrow I’m heading back to Braxton, leaving Mum alone again. This time everything will be different. We will be talking more from now on.

  In the evening I take Mum out for dinner to one of the local restaurants. We spend a normal time together, enjoying each other’s company. In
every respect, I feel like a stranger in this town, but I have to break this pattern and remember that bad times are behind me. It’s the place where I grew up and I’m not the same person anymore. India still talks about Gargle as her home and if she can put the past aside, then I also have to try. Mum doesn’t talk while we drive. She senses the shift in my mood.

  In the morning I pack all my shit and get back to Braxton. I know for a fact that I fixed one problem, but India’s scars aren’t healed yet.

  “You’re fucking kidding me, right? You swapped your beauty for this crap?” Jacob asks, coming out to greet me as I pull into my street after driving for hours. All right, maybe this sounds cheesy, but I’m glad to be back in Braxton, seeing my best mate back to his usual self. He shaved and it looks like he slept at least a full day.

  “Memories can destroy the peace and I hated that the car belonged to my brother. There is nothing wrong with this beauty,” I argue with him.

  “Nope, your brother might have been an asshole, but he knew shit about cars.”

  “Let’s not talk about that dead piece of shit. I want to know if you and Dora are back together?”

  Jacob beams like he just got the best Christmas present, not even trying to hide his good mood.

  “She came over and we talked, man. I don’t know, we have problems, but I love her,” he says. “I told you to stay away from my shit, didn’t I?”

  Yeah, maybe Dora finally understood that Jacob is worth fighting for.

  Evans is a prick, but he looks after India and I can’t deny it. I know about what kind of chemistry Dora was talking about at the party. The earth moves when India and I kiss, and I struggle to get up in the morning if I know I won’t be seeing her.

  “Man, I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I say. We both know that I interfered in his business, but there is no way that I’m going to tell him that Dora needed to be put in her place.

  “Whatever. I know that you spoke to her. She wouldn’t just start saying shit like that.”

  “Maybe she finally got it that you’re the one and only bloke that she can be happy with,” I say. “Besides, she made India come to Gargle and didn’t even tell her that I was there.”

  Jacob looks baffled, shaking his head in disbelief. “Is she team Oliver now?”

  “Something like that,” I mutter. “You have your girlfriend back, so now I just need to work on mine.”

  It’s not long before Dora herself arrives later on in the evening to see Jacob. I told him about the party at the barn and our conversation. I can’t hang around her, but at least she understands that we wasted years. If we’d just talked to each other, we could have spared so much pain.

  Jacob makes dinner, and while three of us eat, Dora gives me her usual speech.

  “So what’s next? What’s your plan?”

  I look at her, wondering why all of a sudden she is on my side. Maybe it’s just a trick to fuck me over while I’m still down. “India needs time to analyse everything. She’s happy with Russell.”

  “Russell’s mother is dying of cancer and she won’t leave him now. She’s with him because she is pitying him.”

  Fuck, so now I’m the biggest prick on this planet. I’m trying to get India back from the guy while his own mother is suffering like that. Great. This can’t get any worse.

  “That’s why I should back off. For fuck sake, Dor, I don’t want to rip them apart. I’ve learned the hard way that acting impulsively doesn’t work well for me. Me and India, we will be together again. It’s just a matter of time.”

  “Well, well, well, Oliver. I can’t believe that you came up with something like that. I’m impressed.”

  I laugh.

  “Yeah, I told you, Dora, he is decent,” says Jacob with his mouth full of food.

  “I don’t get it, Dora. Why all of a sudden do you want to help me?” I ask. “You know, she’ll go mad when she finds out that you had something to do with this.”

  “I don’t want her to be unhappy for the sake of Russell, and I have to admit—I was wrong about you. But let me tell you, if you ever throw shit like that again, I’m going to destroy you myself. There won’t be any second chances.”

  “I get it, Dor. I fucked up once. Now I know what I lost, so this won’t happen again,” I assure her after assuring myself for about the hundredth time. She kisses Jacob and pats me on the back.

  “She is going to hate me for this at first, but once you guys are back together, she will forget that I even existed,” she says with mischief in her eyes. “We have to figure out something soon, before the exams.”

  I agree with her, but two weeks later there is still no progress. India continues with her life like she normally does, only glancing at me from time to time. The exams come and everyone is stressed and focused on revisions. Dora hasn’t come up with anything and time is slowly running out. At the end of June, India is probably going back to Gargle. Russell will be there taking my place, and then she will never consider giving me a fair shot again. I don’t want to think negative, but in the end of the day the damage has been done. India is romantically involved with another guy and I don’t think I can handle being with her as a friend.

  My first two exams go fine. Somehow I manage to concentrate and I get out of the hall satisfied. My wrecked body craves India’s company. When she passes me in the corridors, she is holding hand with Evans. I need and want her. I can make her cry and laugh, but I can’t make her forgive me. She hides her emotions well and we both know that she is not happy with him. Dora gives me daily reports, saying that they are fighting. Deep down I’m glad, because she knows that there is no future with Evans. India is stuck between a rock and a hard place.

  Chapter Twenty-two

  A Chance.

  Present

  “Okay, I might as well start over. There is no way that I’m going to pass this shit,” Jacob snarls, dropping his books on the floor in my bedroom. I frown, trying to focus on a computer game. Jacob has been getting on my nerves the past few weeks, panicking over every single exam that he takes.

  “Can you not see that you’re distracting me?” I ask. Besides, stop winging, you will pass like always.”

  He mumbles something about mixing up the questions, running his hand nervously through his hair. He is such a pussy.

  “I wanted to take Dora on that trip to Italy in a week, but if I fail, my summer is fucked. It’s supposed to be amazing. All the girls have been ranting about it through lunch.”

  “Trip? What are you talking about?”

  “Sicily, the posters from the Student Union have been everywhere. It’s a decent price, but I’m not sure if there are any spaces left.”

  Now I get interested. In the past few weeks I’ve been so absorbed with exams and keeping away from India that I haven’t even seen what was going on all around me. Socialising hasn’t been my thing. “So what’s stopping you?”

  “She doesn’t seem too keen on that. Besides, you know that I hate flying.”

  Jacob continues his monologue about problems with grades and shit like that, so I get online to check the trip that he is talking about. Every year at the end of exams, Braxton organises some sort of trip abroad. Last year one of my teammates went to Paris. From what he said, he loved it. Everything looks pretty straight forward, and as I stare at the blue ocean with a stunning view of small fishing villages, a new plan starts forming in my head. I rub my eyes, feeling more awake than any other day. The trip costs around three hundred quid with breakfast over five days. All of a sudden an idea triggers in my mind, so crazy and so unbelievable that it pulls me back to life.

  “Jacob!” I shout, getting up as my heart starts pounding way too much blood through my body. “Fuck, do you think there are any tickets left for this?”

  My best mate shrugs his shoulder, scratching his head.

  “Don’t know. Maybe. I checked a few days ago and they only had a handful left.”

  “Fuck, I need to speak to Dora, pronto.” />
  I don’t have time to wait right now, as my thoughts are already racing away. I storm through the room and return shortly holding his mobile phone. My heart hammers in my chest. What if there are no more tickets? What if I can’t pull this off? These questions raise some concerns, but I can’t worry about shit like that now.

  “Call her right now and ask her to come here as soon as she can,” I demand, wiping the sweat from my brow.

  “Why?”

  “Fuck, stop wasting my time and just do it. I need to speak to her. I have another idea and Dora is the only one that can help with this.”

  Jacob does what I say, and when he finally gets through to Dora, I pace around the room, talking Jacob through what I’m planning. There are many things that I have to consider, but in the end India will be mine again. I can’t deny it: I don’t want friendship; I want all of her to be mine.

  An hour later Dora shows up looking annoyed that I dragged her here just when she was on her way to bed. I’m already pumped with excitement, so nothing is going to bring my mood down, not even angry Dora.

  “This better be important, Oliver,” she states, folding her arms together as soon as she walks through the door.

  “Can you sort out the tickets for that trip to Sicily?”

  She stops chewing her mouth. “Sicily? Is this what this is about?”

  “Fuck, Dora, this crazy idea just came to me, but I think I found the way to get India back,” I say.

  “What the hell are you talking about, Oliver? Just get to the point.”

  “Somehow you’ve got to convince India to go with you to Sicily. Tell her some white lies to make sure that she won’t back out at the last minute.”

  “What? Why would I want to go to Italy? I’ve been there like a million times.”

  “Don’t worry, you won’t be going anywhere. You are only going to tell her that you’ll be there, but after the check-in, I’m going to take your place.”

  This whole operation is fucking risky, but right now I’ve run out of any other sensible option. Once I get India on the plane, she won’t have any choice but to stay. We are going to spend five long days together, and with a bit of luck, we will share a room. I need help to pull this off. India is not stupid and I’m only going to have those five days to convince her to trust me again.