by E. C. Land
I’m cleaning the dishes and wiping down the countertops so everything looks good when I go to serve dinner. I hear the sound of motorcycles. I thought it was just supposed to be Jerod and I? But I hear more than one. Instantly paranoia plagues my mind.
What if it’s not my brother? What if it’s Flame? Oh God... did he find me? Please don’t let him find me.
I’m unable to stop the panic attack that takes over me, sliding down to the floor behind the counter fighting to breathe. The pain of the memories flooding through my head. Dreading the thought that the Dragons Fire MC have finally discovered where I am. Did they come here to take me like they tried to years ago and use me as their whore? Do they need to make me feel more inferior than I already feel? Stuck in my panic attack I don’t hear the bikes shut off or anyone come in the front door calling out to me let me know that they were here. I’m so absorbed in my emotions that I don’t see my brother or Scotty come in the kitchen.
"Kenny!" They both scream in concern at me, running in my direction when they see me. Scotty gets to me first while my brother is close behind.
“Sweet girl, you gotta breathe for me. Look at my face Kenny. Watch how I breathe in through my nose, out through my mouth. Slow and steady. Just keep your eyes on my nose and mouth. Concentrate on them while you come back to me." He softly whispers, guiding me through this panic attack. “That’s right, sweet girl. Just breathe with me. You got this. Good girl.” He brings the back of his hand over my cheeks, wiping at the tears that had slipped out. I didn’t even realize that I was crying. He gives me a minute to get myself together and starts whispering sweet words of encouragement in my ear while running his fingers through my hair, trying to calm me down as much as possible.
"I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean for you to see me like that," I say as I pull out of his arms. It was harder than I thought it would be. I didn’t realize that what happened with Dragons Fire MC still has such a hold on me. Completely embarrassed by what happened, I make my way to the food and start making plates.
I feel the warm presence of a body at my back as a hand grips my arm, while the other goes around my waist. All of a sudden the plate is gently pulled out of my grip.
“Forget the food for right now. I need to know what the hell that was all about. I haven’t seen you like that since you were a little kid when dad had just died. What happened to spook you like that?" My brother asks me in a gentle but forceful tone.
Great now Jerod knows I still have panic attacks. When I was a kid I used to get them after our dad passed away and mom decided to up and leave. I learned how to hide them fast, otherwise Jerod would flip his shit every time one was happening. I needed him to know I was strong. I never wanted to see the look of pity on his face that he’s giving me right now.
I’m unable to talk about it right now since all of my emotions are all over the place from the panic attack, I decide I need a moment. "Pl-Ple-Please let’s eat first. I promise I will tell you, okay? I will tell you everything." Looking through the tears I’m trying to hold back, I see him staring at me like he doesn’t know me. As if I were a complete stranger.
"Yeah sweet girl, we’ll eat first then you can tell us everything." Scotty gently tells me as he rubs his hands up and down my arms soothingly, kissing the top of my head he walks around me to make his own plate.
Thankful for the reprieve I finish making up my plate. A sudden knock comes to the door. I don’t bother to walk over and see who it is. Instead I decide to let one of the them get it. I honestly don’t care who it is, as long as I don’t have to deal with them. I’m not up to having any more company. I take a seat as Jerod comes in talking to Stoney. I’ve met him a few times whenever he came down with my brother.
"Hey Kenny, nice to see you again. Sorry if we’re interrupting dinner for you guys but I knew my son was coming over here and figured Twister would be with him." Stoney flashes me a grin. A grin that seems remarkably familiar to the one Scotty gives me. Holy shit they have to be related. How did I miss the resemblances?
"Hey, Stoney. Umm… I didn’t realize you were coming to town. Don’t worry though, you’re not interrupting anything. We were just getting ready to eat. Sorry, I don’t know who everyone else is that’s standing behind you." Looking between the two men there is not a doubt in my mind that they’re related. Stoney just stands there grinning at my word vomit.
“Well sweetheart from the smell and looks of things it’ll be delicious.”
I hear Scotty grunt from behind me before he makes his way towards his dad. I watch as he gives him what I would call a man-hug. "Hey, Pops. Good thing Kenny cooked for an army instead of making enough for just us." Us. Seriously? It was supposed to be just Jerod and I.
“There goes your midnight snack for when you get hangry, Twister.” I say, mumbling it out to my brother. I go back to picking at my food and decide to ignore all the men in the room. I’m mentally exhausted, and know I need to eat to help me get back to feeling somewhat normal.
Laughing at my comment, Twister hits Scotty’s back as he walks past. Evidently my brother sees the humor in my sarcastic remark. “Told you my sister makes enough to feed an army. I can never finish it all, but damn if it's not the best meal you’ve ever had the opportunity to eat. Come on brothers and dig in. Kenny makes some of best chops you’ve ever tasted." Twister exaggerates making me smile slightly.
"Well don’t mind if I do. As long as Twister here doesn’t hold a grudge later when he’s… hangry.” One of the men that had been standing behind Stoney steps forward and says. Catching a glimpse of his cut, I read “Sergeant at Arms: Blaze.” Everyone in the room bursts out laughing including myself.
“Hell, I honestly can’t remember the last time I’ve had food that looked this good," Stoney states as he digs into the food set out.
Once dinner was consumed most of the guys that came with Stoney headed out to go over to the clubhouse. On their way out, they thanked me for dinner. That left me alone with Scotty, his dad, and my brother. It looks like they’re ready for me to start story time. Isn’t that just great? Only, I didn’t plan for Stoney to be here too. Then again, I didn’t plan for Scotty to be in attendance either.
"Okay, Kenny. I’ve given you enough time. Now it’s time for you to start talking. And you can start with what the hell that was when we walked in. When and how long has that been happening. Fuck! I thought your panic attacks stopped when you were a teenager. Why the hell have you kept them from me? I’m your goddamn brother for christ sake!" Jerod was done with waiting for me to start. Like I said, when he’s pissed he explodes.
“Cool it Prez. Mean no disrespect but lay the fuck off.” Scotty stands from where he had been sitting near me.
“Both of you calm the fuck down.” Stoney snaps at my brother and his son. Looking in my direction with eyes so much like his son’s. I’ve never seen Stoney look at anyone without the hardness that usually consumes them. “Kenny can you tell us all what’s going on please?” Holy shit. The man asked instead of demanded. And he used the word please too! He has some damn manners!
Closing my eyes, I nod.
"You’re not going to like it, actually none of you will. It’s not pretty and it involves your club. So please wait until I’m finished telling you everything before you ask any questions or make any remarks." Seeing them all furrow their brows, I begin. I tell them about how I came home to find my front door was unlocked the night I left town. I go on to finding the Prez of the Dragons Fire MC in my bedroom waiting for me. How Mountain Man grabbed me from behind trapping me in his grip. That they were taking me as payment for the Devils Riot MC intercepting their shipment. They were going to either sell me or make me into one of their club whores. Taking a breath, I close my eyes and continue telling them how Flame grabbed my breast licked my neck and informed me that after seeing me, and touching me, he planned on making me his ol’ lady until I popped out a couple kids for him. Then he was going to share me around the club to be passed from brother to b
rother. I explain how I was able to escape them by going through the bathroom window.
“What you guys saw when you came into the kitchen earlier was a full-blown panic attack. I’ve been getting them for a long time. I hid them so no one would feel pity for me. Most of the time growing up I was okay unless I was stressed or something triggered one. However, the past four years I have had more than I can count. Until today I hadn’t had one in quite some time. I was stressing over the decision I made in talking to Twister over dinner about everything.”
Once I was finished with my story, I wipe the tears from my cheeks and look up to see three faces at varying levels of fury. I didn’t know how to gage them all, but my brother’s- I knew from the look in his eyes: He’s barely holding it in.
"Honey, why didn’t you just come to us to begin with? We could have taken care of this," Stoney gently asks me, even though his voice doesn’t match up with his body language. He‘s attempting to keep his anger under control.
Scotty is a completely different story, though. He wouldn’t even look at me, staying silent the entire time. I wonder if he sees the filth that I do every day. If he can see me for the disgusting woman I am.
"I’m sorry I didn’t come to you, but I thought I was protecting my brother from finding out what happened to me." I whisper, answering Stoney’s question but still looking in the direction of Scotty.
At this Scotty finally looks at me. The anguish in his eyes is unmistakable, and before I can say a word he gets up and storms out of the house. My front door slams heavily behind him. The rumble of his bike tells us all that he’s sped off. I knew the answer to my question as to whether I was right or not about being filthy in his eyes. I try to hold back the tears as I ask Stoney and my brother if that was everything they needed for now. At their nods, I ask them if they would please leave so that I can be alone. I know that neither of them like the idea, but they do as I ask.
I make my way to my room after locking up the house and go straight to my bed, curling into a ball, unable stop the tears from coming. The knowledge that I will never be enough for Scotty cripples me. The fact that he sees me as filth, that I’ve been right all along, completely rips my heart open all over again. I may not have been raped, but I was assaulted and destroyed by the those evil, sadistic men of the Dragons Fire MC.
I should have left when Jerod told me the club was moving here. And when I saw that Scotty was with him. Maybe I should pick up and leave again. I’ll have to think more on leaving in the morning. Right now, I feel raw. Tomorrow is soon enough to decide whether I should pack up and leave. The look on Scotty’s face is all I can see.
No, not Scotty. Horse. My Scotty? He’s long gone now. Or maybe he never truly was mine.
I fall asleep with tears streaming down my face.
11
Horse
Motherfucker! What the hell was I thinking back then? She needed me, and I let her walk right into a fucking setup. Thoughts keep rolling around in my head. I had to get out of there. I’m so pissed with myself that I couldn’t even bear to look at her. I failed her! No wonder she doesn’t want me near her…
I wish I could have said something instead of storming out of her house. Maybe beg her to forgive me for letting her down. I need something to slam my fist through. Fuck! My chest constricts with the painful knowledge that all this shit is my fucking fault. Hearing the pain in her voice was fucking with my head as I sat there listening to what all my girl had to say about the night she left. I couldn’t take it anymore. The pain was too much to hear.
If I had just told her about the club, she would have been on the back of my bike that night, at my side during the party. Instead of going home to find those stupid fucks sitting in her room waiting for her, to seek out retribution. Thank fuck she was able to get away. It’s a miracle how she was able to do that. No wonder she fucking ran. I can’t blame her for running...God, how terrified she must’ve been.
What I want to know though is why she ran away instead of running to me or her brother? Why didn’t she fucking call me? I would have been there for her. Hell, her saying that she thought she was protecting her brother was nothing but a poor ass excuse.
Pulling up to the clubhouse I head straight for the bar, sitting down on the first stool I get to. I order the prospect to bring me a shot of Jack, needing to find solace in my favorite drink. This fucking drink has to calm my nerves before I go do something crazy, like storm the Dragons Fire compound and take Flame’s balls as a prize for what he did to my woman. All I want to do right now is fucking kill all those bastards for taking my woman from me before I could even make her mine. She may not have had my patch back then, but she sure as hell will. They will pay for all that they have done to her. That I promise.
Walking into her house this evening scared the shit out of me. Witnessing her that way, in the midst of a full-blown panic attack… I’ve never seen anything like it in my life. And I never want to see her go through another one ever again. When she confessed to us that the sounds of our bikes triggered her panic attack, it ripped me up inside. The fact that the noise of our bikes is what triggered the panic attack in the first place pisses me off. She should never have to be afraid at hearing a motorcycle coming towards her. Ever.
Looking around me, the boys are enjoying themselves, that’s for sure. The club whore’s are out in force doing their jobs. Some of the brothers are getting their dicks sucked while others have their dicks balls deep in one of club pussies. This would usually have gotten my dick hard and ready to go at it, but none of that shit even phases me anymore.
Only thing that’s going through my head is Kenny. I fucked up by coming here. What I should have fucking done was kept my ass there with her. She needed me and I let her down yet again by leaving and coming here. Damn I’m a dumbass for not taking her in my arms and showing her that nothing will ever harm her again, letting her know that she will be okay.
"Hey baby. I've missed you so much along with that giant cock of yours. I finally made it down here! Wanna go to your room and have our own party? We can even add a few others to make up for lost time. I know how much you like to watch me with another girl." I feel Jazz skim her hands over my chest, sliding down lower until she’s bee-lining for my dick. The only thing it does is pisses me the fuck off. I don’t need this crazy ass bitch touching me. Fuck the only thing I let this bitch do is suck my dick. I sure as hell don’t need her for that, and I don’t even want that. The bitch only ever sucked my dick.
"Don’t fucking touch me." I place my hands over hers, tossing them off me, not once looking at her.
"But baby I’ve missed you. You know you want me to ride that cock of yours. It’s been too long." Jazz tries to rub up against me, coaxing me to want her, but I don’t. And I won’t ever. It makes me feel sick hearing those words come out of her mouth. The only one I want riding my dick now and for the rest of time is my woman. The woman I no doubt just hurt by leaving when she needed me the most. Fuck! What she must be thinking?
"Bitch I ain’t gonna fuck you. So, get the hell away from me.” Pushing her away from me for the second time.
“You’ve never denied me before so why now. We’ve always had a lot of fun. I know how you like it. I know how you like to fuck, and fuck hard. You know I can give you what you need.”
“Don’t need you or any other club pussy, Jazz. Go find someone else. I’m off the fucking market so leave me the fuck alone.” I snap it out, hoping that it gets my point across.
“I know the rules baby. Whoever this bitch is she doesn’t have to know. As long as I get to ride that big cock of yours.” She sticks out her hand again reaching for my dick. Yeah, not the right move to make bitch.
I grab her by the wrist and see the instant that her expression changes into a smile. She thinks I’m going to pull her towards me, but I’m not. I look at her straight in the eyes and shove her hard towards the floor.
“You’re a goddamn club whore. You don’t get to ever put your hands
on a brother unless he tells you to. You don’t get to question a brother period. Especially when he tells you he’s off the fucking market. You know what I should do? I should bring this up in church, see if the brothers want to vote on tossing your ass on the side of the road!" My voice shifts from an angered yell to a rage filled roar. I’m at my limit with this bitch. "Now get the fuck away from me before I have your ass tossed out on the street!" I watch as she scrambles to her feet and bolts to the back of the clubhouse.
Turning back to my drink I feel like a complete asshat for coming here in the first place. I can’t believe that this is what I thought I needed. No, I needed to get back to Kenny’s. I have to let her know that I’m not mad at her when I stormed out of her house. That I just needed some air to calm down. I need to explain how the pain in her voice and the fear in her eyes brought forth a fury I’ve never felt before. I have to tell her how fucking sorry I am for letting that happen to her back then.
"You’re a fucking dumbass if I ever saw one." Twister’s voice booms in my direction, looking pissed as all hell as he sits down next to me.
"Not now brother." I don’t need him to tell me exactly how bad I fucked up here. I already know.
He didn’t like that fact that I didn’t want to hear him out. "Are you fucking serious right now? You realize what you may have caused when you walked out of my sister’s house. She had a fuck of a hard time telling all of us that shit. It fucked with her head big time, and you just storm out there looking all pissed off. Come in here and I walk in to see Jazz all over you man. What is your fucking problem? You know what?! I don’t want to know! Get your shit straight." Twister hisses right in my face before he turns to look around the room. "Listen up we have church in the morning first thing. Make sure you get your asses there on time." Twister heads back out of the clubhouse again. "I’m going to stay at my sister's tonight. Someone needs to be there for her after she reopened those wounds. I can only hope that if I’m there for her, she won’t fucking run. Not this time." he snarls at me over his shoulder just before going through the door.
