I yanked her off me and climbed on top of her, pushing inside her, only realizing too late that she wasn’t actually wet. I played with her clit for a few minutes, irritated that I was having to take the extra time. I just needed to fuck. I needed to get this extra energy out of my system and this was taking too fucking long.
When she started to loosen up, I started fucking her hard, letting the blinding darkness take over and swallow me. I didn’t care anymore about satisfying her, only losing myself inside her for just a few minutes so I wasn’t thinking about that fucking hellhole I had escaped. When I came, I rolled off her immediately and sat on the edge of the bed to catch my breath. How long would the relief last? I needed a fucking beer. Maybe even something stronger. Today really fucking sucked.
“Chance, are you okay?” she said, slipping behind me and wrapping her body around mine. I stiffened and jerked my shoulders away from her touch.
“Why the fuck wouldn’t I be?”
“You just seem really different.”
“Different how?” I snapped. “Am I supposed to behave a certain way now?”
I saw the fucking tears and I felt like shit, but I couldn’t let people keep treating me like I was the damaged one. I just needed time. Time and space.
“You’re just acting like this is…I wasn’t expecting you to be so cold.”
I sighed and flopped back on the bed. “Look, I don’t know what you want from me. We said we would try and I am. It’s just an adjustment, and everyone’s always acting like I’m gonna fucking break.”
“They just want to help you-”
“I don’t want their fucking help,” I said as I stood and pulled up my pants. I ran my hand across the scruff of my jaw and tried not to look at her, tried not to see the hurt on her face. I didn’t know what she expected of me. It seemed the harder she tried to connect with me, the more it pissed me off. Everything was just getting worse. I couldn’t sleep, and drinking and fucking were the only things that helped dull the constant noise in my head. But I knew that I wasn’t being fair to her.
“If you won’t take their help, then at least let me help. I know what it’s like and I’m not asking you to talk to me, but I can be here for you.”
If only it were that easy.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
Morgan
I searched the whole place for someone to talk to. I was reeling after last night and I needed to get things right in my head. I wasn’t great friends with any of these ladies, but Maggie was the person I had connected with the most. But when I found her, she was sitting with Vanessa, and I didn’t know her.
“Did you need something?” Maggie asked nicely.
“Ummm, I can come back later. I just wanted to talk to you about something.”
“No, stay. Is this about Chance?”
I looked at Vanessa, uncomfortable about saying anything in front of one of Chance’s teammate’s wives.
“Hey, we’re all here to support each other. What you say to us won’t go any further unless someone’s about to be killed, or at the very least, seriously maimed.”
I walked the rest of the way into the room and took a hesitant seat across from them.
“How are you?” Maggie asked when I didn’t start talking.
I blew out a breath and really thought about it for a minute. I wasn’t sure. “I’m confused. I don’t really know how I am. I still have all these conflicting feelings from my time with Wes and guilt over Payton being taken from me for so long. And then there’s Chance. He did this amazing thing for me when he chose to stay behind for Payton. He might have escaped and been okay, but he stayed.”
“That was his choice,” Maggie clarified.
“But he did it for me, and now…He’s not okay.”
I sat in silence, not wanting to say more, but needing to get it off my chest. It felt like a betrayal to even say anything, but I didn’t know how to deal with it all.
“Chance is different,” I finally said. “When we first came back, I knew he had issues to deal with and I was fine with being part of that.”
“You’re not now?” Vanessa asked.
“Please don’t judge me,” I pleaded.
“I’m not. Believe me, if anyone understands, it’s me. Sam and I have had our own set of issues to deal with. Long story short, I almost died and he got drunk and almost killed himself. It really fucked with both of us. I wasn’t sure that I could trust him and I knew that he had to fix himself before we could be together. You can’t save someone else. All you can do is be there if they need you.”
I nodded thoughtfully. “I don’t know that I can be there the way Chance needs me anymore. My mind is already screwed up and he’s fucking with it even more.”
“How?” Maggie asked. “He’s not hurting you, is he?”
“No, not really.” Wasn’t he, though? I sure as hell didn’t feel safe with him the way I used to. He got angry so fast and all he wanted to do was fuck. Half the time, he didn’t even make sure I was ready before he started using me like a fuck toy. But I wasn’t sure I wanted to tell the ladies that. He was a product of what had happened to him, and while I was sure they would understand to a point, I wasn’t sure they wouldn’t run off and tell their husbands.
“It’s more that he’s started drinking a lot so that he can sleep. You know, when we first got back, it was weird finding each other again, but we did and we reconnected. But ever since he’s started drinking, it’s like I’m just some random woman he’s sleeping with to forget. He doesn’t talk to me and he doesn’t try and see how I’m doing. I’m just there when he needs a release. And I would be okay with that if it was at all loving, but it’s like when we first met. It’s just hard fucking. Except, there’s no connection between us. Half the time, I’m not sure he even knows it’s me he’s screwing.”
“Have you tried telling him this?”
“No. I don’t know how. I feel like if I lay any more shit on him, it could send him over the edge. I don’t think he’s getting better.”
“Do you want me to talk to Sebastian?” Maggie asked.
“Isn’t that like going behind his back?”
“Do you think his drinking is out of control?” Vanessa asked.
“It’s hard to say. I know he drinks to dull everything, but I haven’t really seen him drunk yet. I mean, just once, but that’s over the course of a few months. That’s not uncommon.”
“Then, I would hold off. You don’t want to make him feel like he’s being attacked,” Vanessa said. “But if you’re not comfortable sleeping with him, just tell him what’s happening. If he really wants help, he’ll listen to you.”
“Maggie,” a male voice said from the doorway. Startled, I turned in embarrassment and hoped that I hadn’t been overheard. Chris was leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed and wearing a menacing look. “Sebastian’s looking for you.”
“Thanks.” Maggie stood and gave me a smile and Vanessa joined her. I figured that meant we were all leaving, but when I tried to get past Chris, he blocked my path. Vanessa turned back and mouthed sorry, but then went on her way.
“Let’s go back and take a seat.”
I swallowed and did as he said, feeling like I was about to get my ass chewed out.
“How are things with Chance?” he asked.
“Umm…”
“Look, I’m not gonna beat around the bush here. I heard what Vanessa said to you and I’m gonna tell you it’s just not that fucking simple.”
“Which part?”
“The part about him listening if he really wants help.”
“That’s not true?”
“I’m saying it’s not as easy as a choice. See, he’s pretty fucked up over what happened. Any of us can see that. But he’s got this constant battle going on inside him, telling him that he’s strong enough to deal with this shit. He’s a man. He’s supposed to be the hero, the protector. He fought in war and he survived a fucking year of torture. In his mind, he should be able to deal
with this on his own. Admitting that he needs help is like saying that he’s failed in some way, that something’s wrong with him.”
“But he won’t let anyone help him. He’s got to know that he’s spiraling out of control.”
“Of course he does, but he thinks he can find a way back.” He looked away in thought for a moment. There was so much I wanted to know. I wanted to dig inside his mind and find out all the secrets he held. “I don’t know how to explain it to you other than that. You do what you have to so you can get better, but don’t just assume that Chance doesn’t want the help. Assume that he either doesn’t know how fucked up he is or he doesn’t want to admit it yet.”
Phoenix Rising Page 13
