I looked, but then I had to look away before I started crying. He wasn’t even here yet and I was a mess. I took another deep belly breath and cleared my throat.
“That’s weird, though,” I said, pulling an envelope of my own out of my back pocket. “Because the doctor sent me this.”
“What?” She grabbed it, tearing into it. “You didn’t open it?”
“We’re supposed to open it together,” I reminded her.
She pulled out the paper, unfolded it and read it. She was angling it toward me so I could read it with her, but I didn’t need to look. I’d written the words myself.
Will you marry me?
When she turned to me, I was already down on one knee. Her mouth fell open.
“How dare you!” she said. “I thought this one was gonna say we were having triplets or something, and I was TRIPPING.” Then the words on the paper seemed to hit her and she started to cry.
I lifted the ring toward her. “Will you be my wife, Taylor Lawson/Lawczynski?”
“Yes! But can I please take your last name? Clarke is so much easier.”
“Of course.”
“Shit, I can’t even see the ring.” She swiped tears from her eyes. I slid it onto her finger and she yanked me to my feet.
“Don’t you want to inspect the ring before you say yes?” I teased.
“Shut up,” she said, and kissed me.
I got completely lost in tongue-screwing her face as she moaned and pressed against me. Then someone knocked on the door.
“Ignore it,” I muttered, diving back in.
Taylor moaned again, her hands sliding down to my ass.
Then the knock came again. And the door opened.
“Hey—Ohhh, I’ll come back.” We looked up to find Katie Mayes’ best friend, Devi, poking her head into the room.
“It’s okay, Devi,” Taylor said, pulling away from me. “What’s up?”
Devi opened the door a little wider. “I’m just rounding everyone up. Jesse wants to do the cake for Katie before Dirty hits the stage.”
“We’re coming,” Taylor said. She looked up at me. “It’s Katie’s birthday today, if you didn’t know.”
“I didn’t.”
“There you are!” Danica said, popping into the doorway. She grinned when she saw me. “Are you guys coming?”
“We’re thinking about it,” Taylor teased her best friend. “Do we get to smush cake in Katie’s face, though?”
“Of course,” Devi said, just as Merritt popped her head in. “Then we’ll eat cake while the bands rock out. And drink, of course.”
“I brought something non-alcoholic for you,” Merritt informed Taylor. She was wearing the same goofy smile as the other two.
“What’s going on?” I said.
Taylor smiled up at me. “I told the girls they had to wait to find out the baby’s gender after we opened the envelope together.”
“The envelope?” Talia said, popping her head in. “Did I hear something about the envelope?”
“What!” Katie appeared, squeezing into the pile of women in the doorway. “Did they open the envelope?”
“I’m seeing torn envelopes and papers all over the damn place,” Devi said.
“Can I tell them?” Taylor asked me.
“Sure.”
“We just found out we’re having a boy and we named him and everything,” she gushed. “We’re calling him Gabe. Also, we just got engaged.”
That news resulted in a pile of women falling through the door to swarm Taylor, lavish her with hugs and check out her ring. They all probably got a better look at it than she had so far.
I got a few hugs, too.
“Congrats, Cary,” Merritt said as she hugged me. “Couldn’t happen to a better guy.”
“I’m expecting parenting tips,” I told her, and she snickered.
“I’ll let you know when I figure some out.”
As we all headed out and over to the green room, I caught glimpses of so many friendly faces. The whole place buzzed with the general bustle of activity and excitement before a show. The dull roar of the crowd could be heard as the arena filled up. The crew was hard at work, getting everything in place for us.
In the green room, my band was waiting. The members of Dirty were all there, too, families in tow; as usual, they were here early to catch the Players’ set and support us. They didn’t have to do that. They could’ve just rolled in to play their own set, but they were true friends.
Family.
Kids were toddling around, too. Brody and Jessa’s boy, Nicky, was almost three now, and they’d just had a baby girl, Ava, not three months ago, around the same time Elle and Seth’s daughter, Emma, turned two. And Jesse and Katie’s boy, Madsen, was almost a year and a half.
We went to chat with Katie and basically distract her as Jesse and Devi got out the cake. Then we all sung “Happy Birthday” to the birthday girl. Katie got to cut the first piece. Then Devi, accompanied by several other girls, including my fiancée, smushed it in Katie’s face.
Jesse laughed, so Katie grabbed him and laid a long, deep kiss on him, and he got cake all over his face, too.
Then Talia told everyone, “Hey guys, I think Taylor has some news to share.”
Taylor reached for me and I took her hand, as everyone turned to look our way. “Do you wanna do the honors?” she asked me.
“No. You do it.” I gave her a kiss on the forehead.
She patted her hand on her stomach. “We’re having a boy. And we’re getting married.” She held up her ring.
Everyone started yelling and piling onto us for hugs, and booze was rolled out. Champagne popped loudly, and Merritt brought Taylor a non-alcoholic cider.
We tapped our glasses together. “Cheers to you and another incredible show,” she said.
“And a break,” I said.
“I’ll drink to that.”
“Hey, Taylor.” Zane sauntered over to us. “We wanted to invite your husband onstage with us tonight, to play some guitar on ‘Road Back Home.’ This being a home show and all. And him being such a superstar. I mean, if you think he can learn the song in time.” He smirked at me.
“What about Jesse and Seth?” Taylor asked.
“Jesse’s gonna sit this one out.”
“Okay, then,” she said. “He’ll learn the song.”
“Cool.”
“I do enjoy being discussed as if I’m not here,” I said dryly.
Zane shrugged. “Seemed like a decision for management.”
Uh-huh. And that was obviously a little dig. Because I’d basically stolen Taylor from Dirty.
But hey, she was mine first.
Finders keepers, right?
“Maggie, can we get a copy of Dirty’s setlist?” Taylor asked Zane’s wife as she joined us, all business now. “I want to see how much time we have.” She pulled out her phone to check the time.
“For sure.” Maggie took her husband’s hand and gave me a grin before tugging him off into the crowd.
“The women behind the men, huh?” I said. “There seem to be a hell of a lot of you back here these days. You’ve multiplied since the last tour I was on.”
“You can blame Katie and Jesse for that,” Taylor said. “I think they started it.”
“Actually, I think Zane and Maggie got married first.”
“Oh, yeah. That’s true.”
“Now it’s our turn…” I slipped my hands around her hips, tugging her against me.
“Well, we haven’t exactly set a date. We have Dylan and Amber’s wedding to go to first. And your sister’s.”
“I guess that’s true.” I kissed her neck. “You’re gonna be the world’s sexiest bride, though.”
“Quit stalling.” She checked the time on her phone again. “You’re onstage with your band in fifteen. That gives you a few minutes to get started on that song. When you guys come offstage, I expect to see you practicing until you’re called back out to join Dirty onstage.”
She gazed up at me, softening. “I just want to make sure you nail it. It’ll make you happy.”
“Uh-huh. You’re like, the Sharon to my Ozzy,” I mused.
“Oh, God. Don’t you have a better example?”
“Hey, it’s worked for Ozzy’s crazy ass for a hell of a long time.”
“Hmm. Can we have our own reality show, please?”
“Not a chance.”
She laughed.
“You’re everything to me, Taylor,” I told her, growing serious. “Everything.”
“I know, babe. But that’s just because you’re such a hardcore romantic.”
“I am?” I said, feigning innocence.
It was true, I’d really cranked up the wining and dining, so to speak, over the last several months. Trying to make up for how… unconventional… the early days of our relationship had been, maybe.
Taylor was studying me, a soft, dreamy smile on her face. “You know, when I met you, I thought you were strange.”
“I think we’ve established that.”
“I thought you were a little crazy, actually.”
“I know.”
“I thought I might be crazy agreeing to work with you…”
“You probably were.”
“It was the best decision I ever made.”
“Who’s the romantic now?”
She smirked and I gave her a kiss. Then I looked around at the backstage party. There were like sixty people crowded, loudly, into this room. “You know, I used to feel so lost in a crowd like this.”
“And now?” Taylor gazed up at me.
“Better,” I told her. “Much better.” I looked into her deep-sea eyes, wondering aloud, “How did life get this good?”
“I found you,” she said.
Don’t miss the exclusive free bonus story, Flames and Flowers!
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Books by Jaine Diamond
Players Series
(spin-off from the Dirty series)
Hot Mess (Players #1)
Filthy Beautiful (Players #2)
Sweet Temptation (Players #3)
Lovely Madness (Players #4)
Dirty Series
Dirty Like Me (Dirty #1)
Dirty Like Us (Dirty #0.5) - Free
Dirty Like Brody (Dirty #2)
A Dirty Wedding Night (Dirty #2.5)
Dirty Like Seth (Dirty #3)
Dirty Like Dylan (Dirty #4)
Dirty Like Jude (Dirty #5)
Dirty Like Zane (Dirty #6)
DEEP Series
DEEP (DEEP #1)
DEEPER (DEEP #2)
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Acknowledgments
Lovely Madness is the twelfth book I’ve written in this world (!), and you may have to pinch me so I can fully absorb that. Every book has its challenges; I never seem to make it easy on myself with simple storylines! This one is no exception at a massive 158,000 words and featuring one of the toughest characters and storylines I’ve ever written.
I have a ton of empathy for Cary… but how to write a romantic hero who lives in fear and still make him swoon-worthy? How to tell his story, a story of pain and loss, grieving and mental illness, with honesty and integrity, while keeping the beating heart of the love story alive? I hope I’ve accomplished just that, and even if this book broke your heart a little, I hope you fell madly in love with Cary like Taylor and I have.
A huge thank you goes out to everyone who’s supported this book and this series, and supported me while writing it. My amazing readers. My vibrant readers group, the VIPs. My passionate ARC Team. The bloggers and release blitzers who’ve helped spread the word. My author friends, and my friends and family, who continue to champion me, cheer me on, and send love, even if it’s often been virtual during this strange pandemic year. What a time to be writing the story of a recluse; I’m sure there were times in 2020 when we all felt Cary’s isolation.
Dad, thank you for letting me bounce all things police, from bomb threats to break-ins, off of you to make sure I got it right.
Mr. Diamond, all the thank yous for all the things. You are the best partner a writer girl could have. I promise I’m already hard at work on the next book. But I can hear you doing your online workout in the next room, and is it wrong that I’m enjoying the manly grunting noises? It’s been fourteen years and I love you like that first date when we missed the movie because we couldn’t stop talking to each other and time ceased to matter. We were who we were the day we met. It doesn’t change; it just gets better.
Much love,
Jaine
Playlists
As always, some of the songs on the Lovely Madness playlists are mentioned in this book; others are songs that captured the feel of a certain scene or that I listened to while writing the book.
The playlists feature rock music, of course, but they also include a lot of other genres that I, and the characters in the book, enjoy as well.
The Lovely Madness playlist is especially close to my heart, as it includes so many incredible Vancouver-based and Canadian musical artists, in an homage to the characters and the “world” of this book. (Canadian artists are in bold, in case you’re interested in knowing which artists on the playlists are part of the “real” Canadian music scene.)
You’ll find the links to the full playlists on Spotify and Apple Music here.
The Lovely Madness Playlist
Indestructible — Matthew Good Band
The Day I Tried to Live — Soundgarden
Madhouse — Allan Rayman
Sparks — Coldplay
Paint It Black (feat. Rånya) [Epic Trailer Version] — Hidden Citizens
Hello To Me — Allan Rayman
Maybe Tomorrow — Stereophonics
Heaven Coming Down — The Tea Party
See Through — Beck
I’m with You — Avril Lavigne
The Middle — Our Last Night
Heavydirtysoul — Twenty One Pilots
Stuck In a Rut — Stereophonics
Excuse Me Mr. — No Doubt
Be Yourself — Audioslave
Sparkle and Shine — Econoline Crush
Dream a Little Dream — Eddie Vedder
Running Up That Hill — Matthew Young
Rock N’ Roll Is a Vicious Game — April Wine
Blue Orchid — The White Stripes
Capsized — You+Me
Love the Way You Are — Yukon Blonde
Rock and Roll Is Dead — Lenny Kravitz
Load Me Up — Matthew Good Band
Everlong — Foo Fighters
Heart of Gold — Neil Young
Got Me Wrong — Alice In Chains
Strange Days — Matthew Good Band
Afraid of Heights — Billy Talent
I’m Shakin’ — Jack White
Rescue Me — Thirty Seconds to Mars
Lonely Lonely (Frisbee'd Mix) — Feist
Save Your Tears — The Weeknd
Saturday Night — Yukon Blonde
Van Horn — Saint Motel
This World — Se
lah Sue
Everything Is Automatic — Matthew Good Band
Famous — Tom MacDonald
Ten More Days — Avicii
Way Down We Go (Stripped) — KALEO
Everywhere — Bootstraps
My Blood — Twenty One Pilots
Look Alive, Stay Alive — Highly Suspect
Days Gone By — Bob Moses
I’m a Stranger — Restless Modern
No Ordinary Love — You+Me
Fool for Waiting — Dan Mangan
Things Ain’t Like They Used to Be — The Black Keys
Since I Told You It’s Over — Stereophonics
Hey Hey, My My — Battleme
Apparitions — Matthew Good Band
Do Me a Favour — Arctic Monkeys
Live Wire — Meghan Kabir
Birds — Imagine Dragons
Brother (Unplugged) — Alice In Chains
Low — Coldplay
Mister Asylum — Highly Suspect
Put a Flower in Your Pocket — The Arcs
Alone — Kayzo & Our Last Night
Stay in My Corner — The Arcs
Paint It Black — The Tea Party
Knocking At the Door — Arkells
Gimme Shelter — The Rolling Stones
Highway Tune — Greta Van Fleet
Wake Me Up — Avicii
Cary’s Vortex Playlist
Load Me Up — Matthew Good Band
Come Together — The Beatles
White Room — Cream
And It Stoned Me — Van Morrison
Lovely Madness: A Players Rockstar Romance (Players, Book 4) Page 50
