She nodded. He believed the reason she’d given for her emotional state. That ought to allow her a bit of space in which to find her footing again.
“I have formulated a solution to the difficulty of our departure.” Lucas addressed the comment to the gentlemen across the carriage. “If we set sail from Plymouth instead of Suffolk, we would be starting our travels on the correct side of the country.”
Aldric nodded slowly. “Father could likely be persuaded to have the yacht moored in Plymouth. But I have no connections there and know little of the place.”
“I thought through that as well,” Lucas said. “A pre-journey trip to Plymouth would be sufficient to identify our choice of inns and merchants. A reliable stable could also be located.” Excitement filled his tone. “Your captain will know better than any of us how to fill his crew. If we find all else we need in Plymouth, he can arrive a little ahead of us to prepare to sail.”
“Wise,” Aldric said. “I’m not certain how to fit this scouting mission into our timeline. We’ve had our time at Brier Hill. Digby will want us to visit his pile of rocks.”
“That pile of rocks is quite a fine house.” The King issued his complaint with all the regal disapproval of a monarch not receiving the deference he was owed. “But if you don’t care for it, General, you can forgo the usual visit and hie yourself to Plymouth instead.”
Aldric shook his head. “I need time to visit home and explain to my father the reason we’d like his ship moved.”
“And we don’t dare send Henri to Plymouth without supervision,” Lucas said. “If he gets that close to France, he might simply swim the Channel out of sheer homesickness.”
They exchanged smiles of amusement. Julia might have joined in if not for the growing ache in her heart. We’ve had our time at Brier Hill. Were they all leaving so soon?
“I’ll go to Plymouth in the next little while,” Lucas said. “If it cannot accommodate what we need, I’ll check a few of the other port towns. We’ll find a workable place from which to set sail.”
“Perhaps we’ll finally resume our regular journeys,” Aldric said. “Henri could bring us along on his next visit to his family in France. Kes mentioned the two of you would like to return to the Continent to jaunt about the Nordic countries.”
“There is a lot of the world to see.” Lucas grew immediately more animated. “Beginning again with Portugal.”
“With Plymouth,” Aldric countered.
Lucas tossed out one of his faux-arrogant smiles. “How fortunate for Plymouth.”
“You’re going to Plymouth as well?” Julia couldn’t hold back the question.
She had been sitting beside him as that journey had formulated, yet he’d not gone to the trouble of even looking at her while making these plans. She might have gone with him to Plymouth. If he’d asked. If he’d wanted her to.
“It seems I am,” he said. No invitation. No indication he wished to include her in any aspect of the plan.
She met his eyes. “And when were you going to tell me that you are traveling to Portugal?”
That seemed to catch him unawares. “That journey has been planned for years.”
“But when were you intending to tell me?”
That he looked confused did not set her mind at ease. “I do not need permission to take a journey, Julia.”
Digby coughed out the word, “Retreat.”
Lucas only looked at his friend for an instant before returning his gaze to Julia, still appearing as confused as before.
“I didn’t say you needed my permission,” Julia said. “I would never even hint at such a thing.”
“Then I don’t understand the difficulty.”
“You are intending to leave the country for weeks and have never even mentioned it,” she said.
“I would have said something before I left,” he insisted.
Allowing her more than a moment’s notice of his departure hadn’t even occurred to him. He certainly wouldn’t think to extend an invitation to join him on a journey. International trips felt beyond her purview, but she could have gone with him to Plymouth or to the other Gents’ houses.
“How often do you suspect you will be away from home?” She was proud of the hard-won steadiness of her voice.
“I am not generally at Brier Hill for more than a handful of weeks throughout the year.”
A handful of weeks. She swallowed against the sting in her chest. A handful of weeks.
“And you mean for that to continue to be the case?” she asked.
“I won’t be away as often as I have been in the past, but I couldn’t stop traveling altogether, stop having any adventures.”
She watched him, waiting for him to assure her he would not be gone too often or too long, perhaps even invite her on one of his excursions, maybe say that building a life with her meant as much to him as his grand adventures.
“I couldn’t live that way,” he said, clearly thinking she hadn’t understood. “That isn’t living, Julia. That would be a waste of the gift that life is.”
Being with her, building a life and eventually, she hoped, a family, would be “a waste.” She was, as always, the discarded bit of his life, the part to be tossed aside and forgotten. She was a weight. An inconvenience. A poor option. A waste.
“Like suffocating,” she said quietly, repeating his words to the duchess the night before.
He nodded. “Precisely. I need to breathe.”
A feeling of soul-deep exhaustion washed over her. “How soon will you be leaving for Plymouth?”
“That will depend on when everyone means to impose on Digby’s hospitality.”
The gentlemen retook their conversation once more, discussing among themselves schedules and considerations. She was not consulted nor included in the planning.
Lucas intended to leave Brier Hill within the week. He would be gone for months. She wasn’t meant to be part of any of it. He gave no indication that he was at all hesitant to leave her behind or be away for so long.
She didn’t begrudge him his love of travel; combining two lives required some sacrifice and compromise. But it felt as though, on this vital matter, she was the only one doing either. He meant to leave whenever doing so struck his fancy, staying away as long as he pleased, and didn’t intend to include her in those crucial decisions.
She could not give up without trying at least one more time. “How likely are you to postpone your Portugal trip should some reason to do so arise or occur to you?”
“The Gents aren’t ones to let bumps in the road end or even delay an adventure.” He grinned at his friends.
“And the little ‘bumps in the road’ that exist just now aren’t significant enough to change your mind?”
He shook his head. “When something is important enough, one does what must be done. One doesn’t allow anything to stand in the way.”
When something is important enough. “It is a matter of weighing one’s options, then casting aside those that are less appealing in favor of those that matter most,” she said.
He smiled at her, but the usually heart-fluttering sight simply sliced into her. “Precisely.”
When something is important enough.
She’d let herself trust him. More dangerous still, she’d let herself love him again, something she’d promised herself she wouldn’t do after nearly a decade of waiting for him to remember she existed.
She could not live her life as a bump in his road. He’d convinced her to abandon the isolation that had protected her from just this sort of heartache. He’d made her believe it was safe to do so.
He had lied.
Again.
Chapter Thirty
“I look forward to introducing Julia to London,” he said over a game of billiards with Henri that night. “She’ll be a fast favorite in Society.”
“I will check on her before turning in for the night. The rest she received today will have done her good.”
“Kes said earlier that he’s feeling a little unwell. And Digby may be as well; we’ve none of us seen him since breakfast this morning.”
He and Henri had nearly finished their game when Niles looked inside. “Have either of you seen Digby?”
“I assume he is in his bedchamber.”
Niles shook his head. “He is not.”
“Could he have made a trek up the mountain?” Henri asked.
“The King does not perform without an audience.” Niles didn’t often display his wit, but when he did, it was vastly enjoyable.
Lucas looked out the window at the dim landscape. What if Digby had decided to wander up the mountain? The sun was setting. “He doesn’t know the trails well enough to be on them after dark.” He couldn’t be comfortable with the idea of any of the Gents in danger, however small. He set his cue in the case on the wall. “Do you suppose our monarch was wise enough to take a lantern with him?”
“I do not believe we can be certain,” Henri said.
The chances were good Digby would be found somewhere around the estate long before Lucas returned, but he meant to search the mountain just in case. This band of brothers did not abandon one another. Not ever.
He moved up the stairs and directly to his bedchamber to change into his mountaineering clothes. He crossed toward the bell pull but stopped when he spotted a folded bit of parchment on the mantel. “Lucas” was scrawled across it.
He snatched it up, unfolding it and glancing at the signature first. Digby. The very person he was looking for. With any luck, this note would save him a dark trek up a mountain. He started at the top of the page.
Dunderhead.
An odd salutation.
I’ve gone with Julia. She couldn’t be persuaded to stay. I will try to convince her to return, and I will keep her safe. There is likely a note in her room. Don’t take unnecessary risks, but also, don’t be more bacon-brained than you already have been.
I’ve gone with Julia. What did he mean? Where had she gone? Why did he think he needed to “keep her safe”?
Lucas stuffed the note in his jacket pocket and set his feet on a path through the circular sitting room and directly to Julia’s bedchamber. He gave a quick knock on the ajar door before pushing it open, telling himself Julia would be in bed, resting.
But she wasn’t.
Neither was she seated by the fireplace or on the bench at the end of the bed or the chair near the window. The book she’d been reading lay on the bedside table. A letter sat on top.
Lucas’s throat thickened, and his lungs cramped. He reached for the letter with a shaking hand.
His name was written on the front in tidy script. He knew it on sight, having spent enough of the past weeks with Julia as she’d studied her book on mathematics and physical sciences.
He pushed out a breath and broke the wax seal. It was a more formal missive than Digby had left.
My dear friend,
I have told myself these past weeks that I had begun to prove myself something more than a weight around your neck or an option you were forced to pick. I don’t want to be a bump in your road, an obstacle to be overcome in the pursuit of what is important to you.
And I don’t want to sit in the empty quietness of Brier Hill, wondering why I don’t matter enough for you to pause even a moment in planning your life to include me in it. That is a variety of peace and quiet I cannot endure. Not again. As you once said to me, it is time I moved on.
I hope your journeys and adventures bring you joy and that the peaks of Portugal are all you dream they will be.
Think of me now and then.
Julia
Panic erupted inside. Julia had left him.
She was gone.
And he didn’t know where to find her.
Chapter Thirty-One
“Your father is not unkind to you, is he?” Digby asked.
He, apparently, noticed Julia’s nervousness growing as they approached Farland Meadows.
“I do not know if he will be pleased to see me, but he will not raise a hand to me.”
Digby reached across the carriage and set his hand on hers. “Then why do you look scared?”
“We did not part on good terms.” She released the pent-up air in her lungs. “I tried to convince him not to force me into the marriage he had arranged. He was not as patient with me as Lord Lampton was with Lucas. He was permitted to make a great many arguments without being called selfish or being made to feel despised.”
“Lucas might have downplayed the harshness of his father’s reaction.”
She knew Digby was attempting to ease her worries, and she appreciated it. “I overheard his conversation with his father. Lucas was not berated. I was fileted.”
“Tension between parent and child is rather miserable, isn’t it?” He spoke as one who knew. “I’ll stay with you until you know for certain he will welcome you home once more.”
“And if he doesn’t?”
Digby sat back once more. “I suspect there will always be a place for you at Lampton Park.”
“Lord and Lady Lampton will take Lucas’s part,” she whispered. “My father might also. I simply have to find my own place, wherever I can carve it out.”
Was it so much to ask that there be a place in this world where she would be warmly received, where she would be so desperately wanted that she could have confidence in her value there?
When something is important enough, one does what must be done. One doesn’t allow anything to stand in the way. What she wouldn’t give to be that important to someone.
“I wish, Digby, I could tell you that my father will be kind to you,” she warned. “He is not an unkind person, nor one inclined to anger, but he may be too upset with me for civility, even to you.”
“He was vastly civil the last time I saw him.”
She had not expected that answer. “When have you met him before?”
“At your brother’s funeral.”
Her lungs emptied. “You were at Stanley’s funeral?”
There was something so heartbreaking about a sad smile on the face of someone who always looked happy. “He was one of us, Julia. Of course we were here.”
That had been such a harrowing time. She only vaguely remembered which of her neighbors had been at Stanley’s services or had called at Farland Meadows to offer their condolences. It made sense she would not remember any strangers who had been present.
“We were all nearly overwhelmed by grief,” Digby said. “But Lucas was utterly devastated. He hasn’t been the same since.” He smoothed his jacket as the carriage pulled to a stop in front of the house. “These past weeks at Brier Hill, we’ve seen more of the old Lucas at last: genuinely laughing, not hiding behind feigned lightness, wanting to travel but not as a means of running away. We’re worried less about him now.” He met her eyes again. “But now, we’re worried about you.”
“No need, Your Majesty.” She did her best to smile. “I am back where I ought to have been all along.” The role of quiet, isolated daughter suited her better than unwanted, unvalued wife. She would settle back into it quickly and pretend she’d never imagined herself as anything more.
The carriage door opened, they having reached the front portico of the house. She sat a moment, solidifying her determination.
“It’s not too late to simply return to Brier Hill,” Digby said. “We made the journey here in two days. We can make the journey back just as quickly.”
She shook her head. “There’s no place for me there.”
“And if I told you I disagree with that assessment?”
“Then I would respectfully but firmly disagree with you.” She alighted, determined and stalwart.
She was greeted by the servants with both warmth and confusion. Her head remained held high through it all and continued to be so as she stepped into her father’s book room. She had practiced her explanation for two days, telling herself all the while that he could be convinced to tolerate her again.
He sat at his desk, bent over a small stack of papers, but looked up as she approached.
She braced herself for the inevitable rejection, the tense and disapproving words.
Father pulled in a sharp breath. “Oh, my sweet girl.” He jumped up from his chair and rushed around his desk. Almost before she knew what was happening, she was wrapped in his arms, enfolded in the warmth of his embrace. “My darling Julia.” He held her so tight. “Oh, how I’ve missed you.”
She had needed to hear those words for so long. Too many people had left her behind in the course of her life, and those who still had the ability to tell her they missed her seldom did. And even when they said it, their actions cast doubt on the declaration. The emotion she’d been fighting refused to be held back any longer. She clung to him and cried, sobbing as her heart shattered into countless pieces.
***
Lucas made the journey from Brier Hill to Lampton Park faster than he ever had before. He could think of nowhere Julia was as likely to go as Collingham. But he’d not overtaken her and Digby on the road.
Father greeted him upon his arrival. “Mr. Layton predicted you would be here today.”
Digby was there. Thank the heavens. “When did he arrive?”
“Yesterday, a little before dinner,” Father said. “Immediately after seeing Julia settled at Farland Meadows.”
He breathed for what felt like the first time since leaving home. “Julia’s here.”
“And, from what Farland has said, is keeping entirely to herself.”
Forget Me Not (The Gents Book #1) Page 23
