by S Doyle
“Got into it how?” I asked.
“A lot of shouting. The offices are soundproof, so we shouldn’t have been able to hear anything. They were that loud. Benfield told Landen he was a crook, and he’d pay for it. But that’s all I could make out. Then Benfield stormed out the office, packed up his stuff, and left the building. A few clients jumped ship and went with him, but most of them stayed with Landen. It helped me out. I picked up two of Dean’s accounts.”
“What about you? Do you like working for him?” I asked.
It might have been the first personal question I’d asked Trevor. We both worked Saturdays and sometimes Sundays. We ate lunch together on those days. I’d asked him about everything he knew related to the business, but I didn’t know a damn thing about his life, or what he thought about anything.
He shrugged, and maybe hesitated a bit too long.
“I like the money. That’s for sure. But Landen is not a guy interested in building up his team. He shares nothing, not his accounts, not any insights he has about how the market is going to react. He protects all his information. It always feels like there’s a lot of cloak-and-dagger shit going on, and it makes me a little nervous. I wish things were more transparent, but when I talk to my buddies who work at firms like this, it’s kind of the norm. When you’re talking billions of dollars, I guess there always have to be some secrets.”
“What do you mean by cloak-and-dagger shit?”
Trevor shook his head, “Oh, hell no, I’m not telling you dick. For all I know you’re a spy.”
I smiled at that. “I’m not a spy for Arthur Landen. I can promise you that.”
“All right. Your turn then. Why are you here now? There will be plenty of time to work after you finish school, so you must be killing it to keep your schedule. How did Landen find you anyway?”
“He didn’t tell you?”
“Landen doesn’t talk to me other than to sign my paycheck.”
“My uncle is his driver. He raised me in a carriage house on Landen’s estate. Landen’s known me since I was twelve.”
“No shit. And he’s giving you this chance?”
I shook my head. “Yeah, no, it’s not like that. Truthfully, I think he wants to keep me under his thumb where he can keep tabs on me. Friends close, but enemies closer, kind of a deal.”
“What’d you do to piss him off?” Trevor asked.
“He thinks… His daughter had a crush on me, so he thinks there is something there.”
“Yeah?” Trevor asked, his eyes getting wide. “His daughter? What’s her name again? Something pretty I remember, Ashleigh. That’s it. She came to the office when I first started. Smoking hot, but not in that flashy, sexy way. She was all sweet, innocent, virgin hot. I almost fell out of my chair when I first saw her.”
I didn’t react to his words. I didn’t think about how her virginity was mine. Something I’d claimed. Something that every guy in the office had probably fantasized about when they saw her. But, I was the only one who knew how she felt when I was pressed deep inside her.
“You got something going on with the Landen princess?” Trevor asked.
“No. Nothing. We grew up together, that’s all. Landen’s wrong and I’m sure she’s moved on.”
A secret, after all, was a secret. I didn’t trust Trevor wasn’t a spy for Landen, any more than he trusted me. I did fist the cashmere scarf in my hand. It was soft like her. A reminder that Ash wasn’t going anywhere.
“I get it. Landen keeps you busy working here, his daughter stays far away, tucked into her castle.”
“I don’t care what he thinks. This was a way for me to prove myself. Even if it’s not permanent, it will still look good on my résumé.”
“So, you’re single?”
I blinked. “Yeah. Why?”
“Allison in Accounts Payable has been asking about you.”
I shook my head. “I have no time for relationship shit.”
“Well, then, if you’re just looking to get laid, you should hit up Erica.”
Erica was the receptionist. Tall, slim brunette. Ridiculously hot, but she knew it, too, which was always a turn off for me.
“Isn’t being sexually aggressive toward co-workers a huge company no-no?”
“Trust me, when Erica realizes you’re single, she’ll be the one to get aggressive with you. She likes sex. A lot. And does not care who knows it. She’s great for when things are busy and I’m super hard up. A quick fuck, no muss, and we go on about our day.”
It sounded like something I would have done, even a year ago, that I wasn’t allowed to do anymore because of Ash. Fucking for the sake of fucking. Because it felt good. Because it released some physical tension. No emotional attachment.
I considered if I felt restricted. If this thing with Ash was making me feel like I had a shackle on I didn’t want.
“Yeah, I think I’ll pass on that, too.”
Trevor snickered. “It’s your dick. But you know what they say, if you don’t use it, it shrivels up to nothing.”
“I’ll keep that in mind,” I said. “Has Landen been around the office during the week?”
“Not that I’ve seen. Why?”
“Just curious.”
Ash had said he was returning to Manhattan after he’d dropped her off at the airport. If he was in the city, but not at the office, I wondered what he spent his time doing.
Beyond drinking. Which, according to Ash, was worse than ever.
“You’re a player in this game,” Trevor said, wearing a serious expression. “Fifteen percent steady growth over a few months is no joke. Don’t mess this up by asking too many questions. Especially about Landen.”
“I’m just trying to stay under his radar. That’s all. If I know when he is or is not around, I can avoid him.”
Trevor considered that and nodded. “Look, I wouldn’t be working here if I thought there was anything wrong going on. There are too many other opportunities out there. But make no mistake, Landen’s name carries weight around this town. He can make trouble for you if he wants . Do not get on his bad side. And if there is something going on with his daughter…”
“There isn’t,” I said.
“Still, I would get as clear from that as I possibly could. If he doesn’t want you in her life, you’re never going to be there. You’ll only make trouble for yourself by trying to force your way in.”
“Dude, you don’t have to tell me that,” I snapped, knowing how accurate his words were. “There is nothing there. Let it go.”
Unless I could do something magical that would change Landen’s mind about me.
Did such a thing even exist?
I didn’t think so. It was the hard truth about our situation. Nothing was going to make my mother not a drug addict. Nothing was going to alter the fact I was a charity case who got dropped on Landen’s driver’s door.
Nothing, in his opinion, was ever going to make me good enough for Ash.
The ironic thing about that…Landen was probably right.
Sedona
The following week
Ashleigh
“Tell me what you’re wearing,” I said in my most sultry voice into the phone.
I was still at the spa, not scheduled to leave for home for another three days. I’d been primped and pampered to within an inch of my life. There was nothing more they could do to my skin. I should have been rested and glowing, instead I was going stir crazy.
I had calls and texts with Marc. The occasional check-in from Arthur, most likely to assure himself I hadn’t run off again, but that was it. Over two weeks of no real contact with anyone who wasn’t instructed to ask me immediately how I was. It was maddening.
“I’m not doing this with you tonight.”
I pouted. “You did it last night.”
“That’s because I was stressed and needed to come. Tonight, I’m too tired to even think about it.”
“Fair enough. Since I’m the reason your schedule is so crazy. Also, if I’m bei
ng completely honest, I sort of faked coming for you last night.”
There was silence on the other end of the phone. A silence I knew was Marc’s angry silence. I wasn’t sure how I knew, but I did.
“Um, maybe I shouldn’t have shared that?”
“You faked it?” he asked, his voice low.
I winced. Definitely angry Marc. “I sort of had to. It wasn’t working…I mean, I couldn’t do it with just my fingers, and you said you really needed to come, so I kind of made the sounds. I told you the girls at the finishing school did it all the time.”
“And I told you what I would do to you if you ever faked it with me.”
His voice was all growly, and it made me shiver. “That’s different. I wasn’t with you. I was just reminding you of what I sound like when I am with you.”
“Semantics,” he said curtly. “We engage in sex, and that includes phone sex, we both get off, or neither of us gets off.”
“Well, that’s ridiculous,” I told him, outraged. “Girls have it way harder than guys do in that regard.”
“You tell me if you don’t think you can get there, and then I think of ways to make it happen for you. I’m serious, Ash. It is not cool with me. I don’t like the idea of…”
He stopped talking, and I had to fill in what I thought were the gaps. Why wouldn’t Marc want me faking an orgasm over the phone? A pride thing? Sure. But there was something else.
“Tell me,” I pressed him.
There was more silence, but this wasn’t the angry silence. This was about him not wanting to share. About not being vulnerable with me.
“No secrets,” I whispered. “That’s what we promised each other.”
“I don’t like the idea of it being one-sided,” he said tightly. “I don’t like the feeling of being out there alone and you watching from afar. It’s why phone sex, which is all we can have, sucks!”
“I wasn’t distant,” I told him. “I wasn’t going through the motions. I promise. I just couldn’t make myself come. I still felt connected to you. Intimate with you.”
He sighed. “This is so crazy, Ash. What are we doing?”
Immediately, the panic set in. This had been my fear since Florida. That we weren’t strong enough to sustain this distance. That he would become frustrated and ultimately bored with our relationship. That he would want to cut the strings, which, right now, were strained between us. Strained, but still holding. Or at least I thought they were.
“This is getting too hard. You want out,” I said, feeling the punch in my gut. “You want me to let you go, but I won’t. I can’t.”
“I don’t want out.”
He said it, but I didn’t know if I believed him.
“It’s not about that. It’s about...fuck, if I know.”
“A couple more months,” I pleaded. “That’s all we’re talking about. You’ll finish your degree, and then nothing can stop us. No threat Arthur can hold over us. I’m asking you to fight for that long. For me.”
“That’s my point, Ash. This shouldn’t be a fight. This should be as easy as two people dating. For most everyone else on the fucking planet, it is.”
I shook my head. “I don’t believe that. I think people fight every day to hold on to what’s precious. Make sacrifices. What do you think should be easy?”
“Us. I think we should be easy.”
I felt the nerves immediately settle in my stomach. Marc wasn’t walking away. He wasn’t getting frustrated with me. He was angry at the situation, and that was a very different thing.
“We will be. Someday.”
“You honestly believe that?” he asked.
Simple answer. “With everything I have inside me.”
Another sigh. “What if you’re just some crazy stalker chick I can’t shake loose?”
I smiled. “Then you should call the police. Oh, wait, you can’t, because you got arrested once for resisting arrest and missed my prom!”
“Oh, yeah,” he said dryly. “That’s right. I forgot. When are you coming back from Arizona?”
“Monday. Why?”
“Because we need to figure out a way to see each other so I can smack your ass and pay you back for faking an orgasm by giving you a real one.”
I smiled again. “That sounds like a plan. My flight leaves early on Monday. The plan was to Uber home. You could skip class, meet me at the airport, we could spend the day together, and then, after, you drop me off at the airport and I Uber home later. If anyone asks, I’ll say the flight was delayed. That should give us hours. Can you skip your Monday class?”
“I can make it work,” he muttered. But he wasn’t happy about it. Not happy that he couldn’t simply take me to the estate, like any boyfriend might be able to do.
I fell back on my bed, my phone still pressed to my ear. “I know this is not you, Marc. I know sneaking around and coordinating plans must seem like too much effort. I’m sorry I can’t be any different.”
“I’ll see you Monday.”
I sighed, knowing his non-answer was a confirmation I was right.
This sneaking and hiding wasn’t him, and I was pushing him into a situation because I hadn’t wanted to wait any longer for us to be together. Really together.
This had never been the plan. The plan had always been to wait until he graduated. To wait until we were both independent adults, making decisions about our lives.
Then he came to Florida, and the thought of what we’d had there…the image of him having that experience with someone else... it was like glass exploding inside my stomach, cutting me from the inside with a million different slices.
He had to see it. He had to know being with someone else was never going to be like being with me.
Or maybe he couldn’t know it until there was someone else.
“Goodnight,” I said softly.
“Goodnight, Ash.”
I ended the call and squeezed the phone tight in my hand as if I could will Marc, from a distance, to understand. To have patience. With me. With the situation.
Shit. I hated even having the thought, but maybe the right thing to do would be to end this. For now. Let him finish his degree, get away from my father, and in five years or so I could search for him. Find him again. Remind him of the bond we had.
Then it would be like he wanted. Easy and normal. Although I suspected there was no such thing for Marc. Not when he had as much anger inside him as he did. Anger he didn’t even realize I helped to dissipate.
It would be the risk of a lifetime. He could move on from me so completely, the bond we shared would ultimately break. Worse, though, was holding on to him as hard as I could, only to watch him grow apathetic toward me.
That would be unendurable.
Monday, I would see him.
The right thing to do was to make the offer. To swallow my heart and tell him he was free. Of me. I couldn’t keep him tied to me. The strings that held us together had the potential to snap if he tugged on them a little harder. I could feel it.
I could feel him tugging.
If we were ever going to make us work, he had to believe in us like I did. He had to see, as clearly as I did, we were meant to be together.
Through the fog of the drama I’d created with all our subterfuge, he couldn’t.
The separation would hurt him. My absence would be like a constant toothache with no source for him to fix. I knew that, even if he didn’t. But maybe this was what we both needed. To understand the power of what we had, maybe we both had to lose it for a while.
It would hurt. His toothache would be my constant heartache, but only for a time.
Only for a time.
9
Newark Airport
Monday
Marc
I was going to break up with her.
That I had to skip two classes to sneak around with her for a few hours, only to drop her off back here at the airport instead of at her house, made me see that what we were doing, what we were trying to do, w
asn’t going to work.
This wasn’t a real thing. This was some clandestine fucking and late-night calls, and it had to end. For both our sakes. Ash had to go to school, she had to finish growing up, she had to—
I stopped myself because the thought hurt. But I couldn’t look away from the hard truth.
She had to fuck some other guy.
I couldn’t be what she needed. I’d already told her that. I wasn’t going to be someone who would profess love and forever after. I was an asshole most of the time, and an asshole to her almost all the time, and, in the months since we’d been together in Florida, it was becoming harder to see how this would end well.
I parked the car, and walked into the airport with a sense of determination. But as soon as the sliding doors closed behind me, I was reminded of the time I’d dropped her off to go to Switzerland.
How strange it had felt then to finally acknowledge she was important to me. To have this feeling like I was putting my right arm on a plane and sending it across an ocean.
She wasn’t any less important to me right now. Breaking up with her wasn’t about who she was to me. She’d would always be Ash.
Breaking up with her was about removing both of us from a situation that had no good ending. I was doing this for her because I knew it made sense.
I hadn’t seen her since December. Just the calls and texts. I wasn’t a fan of video chatting because I thought it was stupid. We knew what the other looked like, what was the point?
So I was nervous. Nervous about what I would say, how she would react. Nervous, too, I might fall on my knees in front of her and ask her to run away with me.
“Marc.”
I turned, and she was there. Walking towards me. Her wispy blond hair tied in a ponytail, her eyes so big and blue they hurt me. I didn’t think. I just opened my arms and she ran into me. Almost knocking us over.
Immediately, she started crying into my chest. Deep, heaving sobs I feared would trigger an asthma attack.
“Calm down, Ash. Breathe. Easy in, and out. In and out.”
“I’m sorry,” she hiccupped, working to catch her breath. “I just know...”
