Her gaze flew to his. ‘What do you mean, if the operation goes ahead? We’re booked in next week.’
Fergus spread his fingers on the table. ‘You haven’t seen the paperwork. William’s psychological assessment wasn’t good. I don’t know how everyone missed it, but William is exhibiting all the signs of denial and non-compliance.’
Ailee shook her head vehemently. ‘No, he’s not!’
Fergus’s voice softened but she heard the note of authority. ‘You know we have to be sure he’s not going to throw this chance away. To be reassured he won’t break the very stringent rules and medication regime post-operatively. We do him no favours if we allow him to waste this chance.’
‘I can’t believe what I’m hearing.’ She shook her head, hair swishing and irritating her face, cold in her throat where only moments ago there had been heat. Disbelief in her voice. ‘How dare you say William is non-compliant? He’s never missed a clinic or dialysis and Lord knows, it’s painful enough for him.’
Implacable Fergus stared back. ‘I’m responsible for the optimum outcome for my patients. Like hell I’ll waste your kidney if your brother isn’t going to value it as he should.’
Ailee thought her head would explode. ‘What?’ She hissed the word and heads turned.
His voice remained calm and quiet as if they were discussing nothing emotive. ‘William has been binge-drinking alcohol. Eating the wrong foods. His results confirm it. His fluid quota has been consistently over and his biochemistry is totally out of whack.’
Ailee felt as if someone had punched her chest. Her heart ached with horror. No. This wasn’t right. She shook her head slowly, then with more vigour. ‘No. He couldn’t. He wouldn’t.’ She searched her memory and a few minor incidents gnawed at her confidence.
Fergus went on. Quietly. Like a rumbling bulldozer. ‘Don’t tell me that; take a look at his pathology results. You need to ask why he would jeopardise his transplant.’
Ailee shook her head again but fear was like a hard rock in her chest. ‘I do not, for a moment, believe this is true. But, if it were, what possible reason could he have?’
Fergus reached across to take her hand but she pulled her fingers out of his reach, unable to tolerate his sympathy, and the chasm, like a barren quarry between them, widened. Painfully. So many hard, rocky places in the road of this relationship.
Ailee went on without allowing Fergus to speak. ‘He has no reason to do that.’
‘He might.’ Fergus pulled his coffee-cup closer and added sugar very slowly as if to give her time to calm down. ‘I’m thinking guilt... or concern for you? Fears he can’t cope with? Dread of rejection and that your sacrifice would all be for nothing? There are a hundred issues more mature people than William can’t face. If he is too unwell for transplant, he doesn’t have to admit any of those fears.’
Ailee planted her hands on the table. ‘How long have you suspected this? Longer than today?’
His face didn’t change. ‘The tests were ordered last week, Ailee. What are you saying?’
She sniffed. ‘You tell me. Is your professional judgement clouded by other issues?’
Fergus sat back as if she’d slapped him. ‘You don’t believe that.’
‘No. I don’t. I’m sorry.’ Ailee covered her mouth with her hands and drew a deep breath before she spoke. ‘This is all my fault for becoming involved with you and not concentrating on William. I need to think. I need to talk to William. Take me home, please Fergus.’
‘As you wish.’ He signalled for the check. ‘William’s problems need discussion and I’m sorry to upset you. It’s a shock. But I am here for you, when you’re ready.’
The drive home was accomplished in silence and Ailee opened her own door before Fergus could get out. She didn’t think he was surprised.
‘Thank you,’ she said quietly.
‘For what?’
‘For agreeing to give me space.’ She shut the car door, walked up the front path and didn’t look back.
There wasn’t a lot she could do this late at night and she wasn’t going to think about Fergus. The hospital wouldn’t thank her for waking up William in the ward bed and she couldn’t share this with her mother.
Had William been drinking and consciously or subconsciously jeopardising his transplant chances? How had she missed that he was having second thoughts? Or maybe she did have suspicions and hadn’t moved on to the possible conclusions. Fergus had. That was his job. It was hers too, but it was harder when it was family. She needed to give herself that break.
To add to that, of course Fergus was seeing possibilities she’d brushed aside because he’d already lost one woman in surgery and he was terrified to lose another.
She knew she’d been unfair to Fergus, but this was all part of the reason she hadn’t wanted to get involved in the first place.
He’d clouded the issue and seduced her, though she’d been a very willing participant, and diluted her strength when she needed it most. She should have stayed away from him.
She’d been side-tracked but she’d change. She wouldn’t make the same mistake again. She needed to talk to her brother and sort this out.
Chapter 19
Fergus
* * *
When Fergus arrived home it was ten o’clock and he doubted he’d sleep. Again. Luckily he didn’t need much.
Ailee blamed herself for not noticing William’s deviation earlier. Just so long as she didn’t blame him if the decision to transplant was rescinded. He hoped Dr Harry would be back for that one.
Light was still angling from beneath Simone’s bedroom door and he knocked gently in case she had fallen asleep reading.
‘Hey, Dad.’ His daughter sat up in bed and the smile she gave him eased some of the isolation he felt from the harsh words between him and Ailee.
‘Hello, sweetheart. What are you doing awake?’
She glanced at the clock as if to say he was the late one. ‘I wanted to wait for you to come home.’
‘I’m home. Now go to sleep. It’s school tomorrow.’ Fergus crossed the room and pulled the curtains before coming back to sit on the edge of the bed.
‘I know. Did you have a nice night with Ailee?’ Simone was smirking at him as if she’d caught him out.
He appreciated her cleverness, but discussing Ailee with his daughter was the last thing on his wish list. ‘What makes you think I was with Ailee?’
‘Intuition.’
He raised his eyebrows and suppressed a smile. ‘Really? What else does your intuition tell you?’
Simone tilted her head on one side and studied him. The mannerism belonged to her mother and he smiled.
‘Things are not going smoothly,’ his daughter pronounced.
‘You have wonderful intuition, just like your mother had.’ He tucked in her bedclothes. ‘I love you but I’m not going to discuss this with you. Now, go to sleep.’
‘Dad?’
This time he did smile. ‘Yes, Simone.’
‘Occasionally you have to take risks if something is important enough.’ His world at this moment was full of irony, this time coming from Simone.
‘Thank you, baby. I’ll remember that.’ He leant across and kissed his daughter on the brow. ‘Goodnight.’
‘Night, Dad.’
In the morning Simone was up before he left, which was unusual, and she dragged her fluffy slippers across the floor as she entered and shuffled across the room to slump into the chair next to him. ‘I had a bad dream last night.’
Fergus put down his coffee and concentrated on his daughter. She looked pale.
‘I’m sorry, sweetheart. You okay now?’
Simone shook her head and he saw that her eyes were red. She’d been crying.
‘Not really,’ she said softly.
Fergus stood up, pulled his daughter up against him and put his arms around her. She didn’t pull away and his heart ached at how much she missed her mother in these growing years.
He dreaded
the times in the future when their rapport might be lost. For the moment she trusted him again and he
accepted how much he needed that trust from his daughter. ‘Do you want to tell me about it?’
She nodded her head, burrowing into his chest. He smoothed the fine hair back from her forehead. ‘Take your time.’
Simone leant against him and then finally she mumbled into his shirt, ‘Is Ailee sick?’
Fergus felt like groaning. ‘Why do you ask?’
‘Because in the dream she was sick like Mummy was. I was locked out of the room, looking through a window. You were sad and I was calling out to you, but you couldn’t hear me.’ Simone buried her nose back in his chest.
Fergus winced and rubbed her back. ‘I will always hear you, baby.’
Simone looked up at him with tear-filled eyes. ‘So Ailee isn’t sick... is she?’
Now he was in a dilemma. ‘No. Ailee isn’t sick.’ He felt his daughter relax against him with relief and he hugged her briefly. He wasn’t lying but he wasn’t being fair to his daughter either. ‘Ailee’s brother is sick.’
Simone stiffened against him. ‘Can she catch it?’
‘No.’ He sighed. ‘William is eighteen and has renal failure. You are probably one of the few girls in your school who would understand what that is and what it means to a previously healthy young person.’
Simone nodded and he drew a breath.
‘Ailee is donating one of her kidneys to him in a week or two.’
His daughter froze and then pulled away to stare up into his face. ‘But she might need it sometime herself.’
He tried to smile. ‘Ailee is very healthy.’
Simone shook her head violently from side to side. ‘Tell her she can’t do it.’
He sighed and looked down at his daughter’s pleading face. She was so young and fragile and had been through so much. ‘I can’t tell her that. It’s Ailee’s decision.’
Simone was still shaking her head. ‘She could get sick. An infection or even a clot like Mummy! People die from operations. It’s a big operation.’
‘Ailee is not going to die.’ His voice firm, sure, convincing her, convincing himself.
‘Mummy wasn’t supposed to die.’
And that was the crux of all of this. Fergus ached for the young girl who had watched her mother go into the hospital and never come out. ‘I know, darling.’ He hugged Simone to him but she pulled away.
‘Why did you bring her here and make me like her if she’s going to die?’
‘I didn’t make you like Ailee. You chose that yourself.’ Firmly he said, ‘And she’s not going to die.’
Simone backed away out of his arms. ‘Even if she doesn’t die this time, one day she might get sick. She’ll need her other kidney and it will be gone. Then she’ll get sicker and sicker and die as well.’
Fergus stood there and watched his daughter back away from him. He tried to reason with her. ‘Some people are born with one kidney and never have a problem. Perfectly healthy people who haven’t donated can get sick kidneys suddenly. That is the same for everyone, Simone.’
Simone shook her head. ‘You shouldn’t have brought her here. I hate her and I hate you.’ Simone spun on her heel and ran out of the room, and Fergus rubbed his face with his hand. Terrific.
Ailee would be saying ‘I told you so’.
He wanted to knock his head against the wall. Or curse. Or hug Ailee to him.
Chapter 20
Ailee
* * *
On Tuesday morning Ailee arrived at the ward at the same time as the trolley bearing the breakfast trays.
Tossing in her bed, unable to sleep, she’d promised herself she’d stay focused on William and only William.
He had to have the transplant.
When she entered the ward her brother, face very pale, struggled to pull himself up in bed to eat.
‘Good morning, William.’ Ailee approached the bed and shifted his bedside table closer, unsure how to start the conversation.
‘Ailee. You’re early.’ William studied his sister’s face and something he saw there brought a look of wariness to his eyes. Ailee felt her stomach drop as he looked away.
He reached for the knife and buttered his toast intently. ‘Have you come to steal my breakfast?’ His attempt at lightening the mood fell flat and Ailee didn’t help out.
‘No. I’ve come to ask you some questions.’
‘Like what?’ There was a touch of bravado in the response and Ailee sighed.
‘I think you’ve been drinking alcohol when you know it’s bad for your condition. I thought you understood that.’
He glared at her. ‘Who told you I was doing that?’
She leant on the breakfast table and tried to read his face. ‘Your pathology results say so. Is there a problem, William?’
He shrugged. ‘I’ve had a few beers with the boys. Sometimes more than a few. That’s all.’
Fergus was right. Worst fears had been confirmed. Ailee shook her head. ‘Your fluid limit has been consistently over and your biochem is through the roof.’
‘Well, it won’t matter if I get one of your healthy-as-Hades kidneys now, will it? Your kidney will fix everything.’ The bitterness was clear this time.
Pain sliced into her without the need of a surgeon’s knife. But all she could think to say was, ‘They’ll cancel the op if you prove yourself non-compliant.’
She thought she’d shock him with that but he just shrugged. ‘What, no life-long corticosteroids and waiting for your ultimate sacrifice to stop working?’
Pain attacked, left her reeling like a victim in a knife frenzy. ‘How long have you felt like this?’ Ailee’s hands came up to hold her stomach. She was a doctor, not just a sister, but distracted by Fergus she hadn’t noticed he was in this state. She should have. Tears stung and her throat closed.
William glared at her. ‘Since you came back. Go home, Ailee. I don’t want to talk about it.’
This new William was a stranger, a hard, cruel, bitter stranger and she didn’t know how to get through to him.
‘We have to talk about it.’ Ailee raised her hand towards his arm but he pulled away. ‘What am I going to tell Mum?’
‘Just leave it. Leave me. I’m not in the mood to talk about this.’ His voice rose and a nurse looked across at them with concern on her face.
Nausea rose at the way her brother narrowed his eyes at her. She was doing no good here; she was making things worse.
She turned away and almost bumped into the ward sister who’d come across to see what William’s raised voice was about.
‘Everything okay?’
Ailee tried to smile. ‘Fine. Sibling spat.’ It was way more than that but her control was slipping. ‘I’ll be back later,’ she said, and left the ward almost at a run.
* * *
Ailee went back to her office and sat in the chair with her head in her hands at the desk. Everything had been going so smoothly, or she’d thought it had. She’d been blind and stupid and distracted by the bright shininess of Fergus and falling in love when she should have been watchful and focused on her brother. Especially now.
First Fergus and her loss of control in Singapore, which she still couldn’t believe, then his secondment slap in the middle of her workplace.
Put that with her inability to say no to him had her head spinning. She’d been diverted from seeing that William had gone into self-destruct mode. Dropped the ball.
She didn’t know where to begin to make things right, except that she needed to stay away from Fergus and concentrate on her family.
Her mother would be devastated if they ran into problems at this late stage, but if she’d learned one thing these past weeks – it was not to delay telling the big truths. No matter how difficult, she needed to tell her mum. It would be more of a shock at the last minute.
And she started work in an hour.
How was she supposed to get through the day? This was the last plac
e she felt like being... except rounds with Fergus would be even worse. She’d just have to work methodically through the obstacles and find solutions. Because there was too much at stake.
* * *
An hour later she was back on the ward and, thankfully, Fergus avoided any discussion with her during the round. He spoke most of the time with Rita and his registrar, often with the result that Rita had to ask Ailee to clarify some points, which Rita would then relay to Fergus.
Well, she had asked him for space, Ailee reminded herself as she stifled her own contrariness.
When they came to William, Ailee may as well not have been in the room. William refused to look at her and even Fergus noticed the strain between the siblings.
As they moved on, Ailee heard Fergus ask Rita to have the social worker see William today. And what worse things might the social worker find? Everything was going wrong.
Finally the round was over and Ailee had to hurry to meet her first appointment.
* * *
Fergus watched her go. He’d seen her crossed words with William this morning from Rita’s office. He’d come in early, had planned on speaking to William before he saw his sister, but it had been too late.
The good news was that Ailee didn’t know that he’d witnessed the exchange. She’d have hated that. The bad news was that he couldn’t go after her and offer comfort because she wouldn’t thank him.
He needed to step back and give her the space she’d asked for. He had a glimmer of an idea that could perhaps help and didn’t involve him, but that was all he could do.
Maybe she was right. They would have been better to have left all this until after the transplant was completed.
* * *
Ailee’s meeting was with a dark-haired, Samoan beauty; a mother planning to donate one of her kidneys to her son.
All of Teuila Tupuola’s blood work had been completed and her scans and X-rays had been normal.
‘It seems a lot of tests just to be able to give a kidney to my own son, Ailee.’ Teuila looked at the already thick folder lying on Ailee’s desk.
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