by Jenny Han
“Which do you like better?” I asked her. I had the gloss on my top lip and the lipstick on my bottom lip.
“The lipstick,” Taylor said. “It’ll pop better in pictures.”
At first we were just going to have Josh take pictures—he’d taken a couple of photography classes at Finch, and he was the official frat photographer for all their parties. But now that Mr. Fisher and Denise Coletti were involved, we’d hired an actual photographer, someone Denise knew.
“I might still get my hair done,” Taylor said.
“Go for it,” I told her.
We all changed into our pajamas, and Taylor and Anika presented me with a wedding gift—a lacy white babydoll nightie with matching panties.
“For the wedding night,” Taylor said meaningfully.
“Uh, yeah, I got that,” I said, holding up the underwear. I hoped I wasn’t blushing too red. “Thanks, guys.”
“Do you have any questions for us?” Taylor asked, perching on my bed.
“Taylor! I, like, live in the world. I’m not an idiot.”
“I’m just saying . . .” She paused. “You probably won’t like it that much the first couple of times. I mean, I’m super tiny, which means I’m really little down there, so it hurt a lot. It might not hurt as bad for you. Tell her, Anika.”
Anika rolled her eyes. “It didn’t hurt me at all, Iz.”
“Well, you probably have a large vagina,” Taylor said.
Anika thumped Taylor on the head with a pillow, and we all started giggling and couldn’t stop. Then I said, “Wait, exactly how bad did it hurt, Tay? Did it hurt the way a punch in the stomach hurts?”
“Who’s ever punched you in the stomach?” Anika asked me.
“I have an older brother,” I reminded her.
“It’s a different kind of pain,” Taylor said.
“Did it hurt worse than period cramps?”
“Yes. But I would say it’s more comparable to getting a shot of Novocain in your gums.”
“Great, now she’s comparing losing your virginity to getting a cavity filled,” Anika said, getting up. “Iz, quit listening to her. I promise you it’s more fun than going to the dentist. It would be one thing if you were both virgins, but Jeremiah knows what’s up. He’ll take care of you.”
Taylor collapsed into another fit of giggles. “He’ll take care of her!”
I tried to smile, but my face felt frozen. Jeremiah had been with two other girls. His high school girlfriend, Mara, and now Lacie Barone. So yeah, I was pretty sure he’d know what to do. I just wished he didn’t.
We were all lying in my bed, side by side by side. We were just talking with the lights off, and Anika fell asleep first. I’d been going over and over it, whether or not I should confide in Taylor, tell her about Conrad, how mixed up I’d been feeling. I wanted to tell her, but I was also afraid.
“Tay?” I whispered. She was lying next to me, and I was on the edge of the bed because I was going to leave and sleep in Jere’s room when the boys came back.
“What?” Her voice was sleepy.
“Something weird happened.”
“What?” She was alert now.
“Yesterday, Conrad cut his leg up surfing, and I helped him, and there was this weird moment between us.”
“Did you kiss?” she hissed.
“No!” But then I whispered, “But I wanted to. I was—I was tempted to.”
“Whoa,” she said with a little sigh. “But nothing happened, right?”
“Nothing happened. I just feel . . . freaked out because I kind of wanted it to. Just for a second.” I let out a big breath. “I’m getting married in a couple of days. I shouldn’t be thinking about kissing other boys.”
Softly, she said, “Conrad’s not other boys. He’s your first love. Your first great love.”
“You’re right!” I said, relieved. I felt lighter already. “It’s nostalgia. That’s all this is.”
Taylor hesitated and then said, “There’s something I haven’t told you. Conrad went to see your mom.”
My breath caught. “When?”
“A couple of weeks ago. He convinced her to come to the bridal shower. She told my mom, and my mom told me. . . .”
I was silent. He did that for me?
“I didn’t tell you, because I didn’t want it to get you all mixed up again. Because you love Jere, right? You want to marry him?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Are you sure? Because it’s not too late, you know. You could still call the whole thing off—you don’t have to do this this weekend. You could take some more time. . . .”
“I don’t need more time,” I said.
“Okay.”
I rolled over. “Good night, Tay.”
“Good night.”
It took a while before her breathing turned heavy and regular, and I just lay there next to her, thinking.
Conrad was still looking out for me. Silently, I got out of bed, crossed the room, and felt my way around my bureau until I found it. My glass unicorn.
chapter forty-five
When Susannah would drop us off at the mall or the Putt Putt, she would put Conrad in charge every time. She’d say, “Take care of them, Connie. I’m counting on you.”
There was this time we split up at the mall, because the boys wanted to go to the arcade and I didn’t. I was eight. I said I’d meet them in the food court in one hour. I went straight to the glass-blower shop. The boys never wanted to go in the glass-blower shop, but I loved it. I’d wander from counter to counter. I especially liked looking at the glass unicorns. I wanted to buy one, just a little one, but they were twelve dollars. I only had ten. I couldn’t stop looking at the unicorn. I’d pick it up then put it down again then pick it up again. Before I knew it, more than an hour had passed, almost two. I ran back to the food court as fast as I could. I worried the boys had left without me.
When I showed up, Conrad wasn’t there. Jeremiah and Steven were sitting in the Taco Bell section counting their arcade tickets. “Where have you been?” Steven said, looking annoyed.
I ignored him. “Where’s Conrad?” I asked Jeremiah, panting.
“He went off looking for you,” Jeremiah said. To Steven, he said, “Do you want to use our tickets to buy something now or save up a ton for next time?”
“Let’s wait,” Steven said. “The guy told me they’re getting more prizes next week.”
When Conrad came back a little while later to find me sitting with Jeremiah and Steven and eating an ice cream cone, he looked so mad. “Where were you?” he yelled. “You were supposed to be back here at three!”
I could feel a lump in my throat, and I knew I was about to cry. “At the glass-blower shop,” I whispered, my Moose Tracks ice cream dripping in my hand.
“If something happened to you, my mom would have killed me! I’m the one she left in charge.”
“There was this unicorn . . .”
“Forget it. You’re not coming anywhere with us anymore.”
“No, Conrad! Come on,” I cried, brushing my tears away with my sticky hand. “I’m sorry.”
He felt bad for yelling, I could tell. He sat down next to me and said, “Don’t ever do that again, Belly. From now on, we stick together. Okay?”
“Okay,” I said, sniffling.
For my birthday that August, Conrad gave me a glass unicorn. Not the small one, but the big one that cost twenty dollars. Its horn broke off during one of Jeremiah and Steven’s wrestling matches, but I kept it. I kept it right on top of my bureau. How could I have thrown such a gift away?
chapter forty-six
CONRAD
I volunteered to be the DD. By the time we left the house, everyone was already pretty sloppy from the wine and beer.
We took that kid Tom or Redbird or whatever-his-name-is’s car because it was the biggest. It was practically a Hummer. Jere sat in the passenger seat next to me, and the other guys sat in the back.
Tom reached up between us and
turned the radio on. He started to rap with the music, off beat and wrong lyrics. Josh joined him, and Steven opened up the sunroof and stuck his head out.
With a sidelong glance at Jere, I said, “These are your friends?”
He laughed and started rapping too.
The bar was packed. Girls everywhere in high heels and glossy lipstick, with their hair shiny and straight. Right away, Redbird started trying to dance on every girl that walked by. Shot down each and every time.
I went to the bar to get the first round, and Steven followed me. We were waiting to get the bartender’s attention when he clapped his hand on my shoulder and said, “So how are you doing with this whole thing?”
“What? The wedding?”
“Yeah.”
I turned away from him. “It is what it is.”
“Do you think it’s a mistake?”
I didn’t have to answer him, because the bartender finally looked our way. “Five double shots of tequila and a Newcastle,” I said.
Steven said, “You’re not going to take a shot with us?”
“I’ve got to take care of you numskulls, remember?”
We carried the shots back to the table where the other guys were sitting. All five guys pounded them back, and then Redbird got up and started beating his chest and yelling like Tarzan. The guys busted up laughing and started egging him on to go talk to a couple of girls on the dance floor. He and Steven went over to them, and we all sat back and watched. Steven was having better luck than Redbird. He and the red-haired girl started dancing, and Redbird came back to our table, dejected.
“I’ll get us another round,” I said. I figured it was my duty as best man to get them all wasted.
I came back with five more shots of tequila, and since Steven was still out on the dance floor, Jere downed his shot.
I was nursing my beer when I heard that guy Josh say to Jeremiah, “Dude, you’re finally gonna get to close with Belly.”
My head snapped up. Jeremiah had his arm slung around Josh while he sang, “It’s a nice day for a white wedding.”
They hadn’t had sex yet?
Then I heard Josh say, “Yo, you’re, like, a virgin now too. You haven’t gotten any since Lacie in Cabo.”
Cabo? Jeremiah had gone to Cabo this past spring break. When he and Belly were a couple.
Jeremiah started to sing, off-key, “Like a virgin, touched for the very first time.” Then he stood up. “I gotta piss.”
I watched him stumble off to the bathroom, and Josh said, “Fisher’s a lucky bastard. Lacie is smokin’.”
Tom elbowed him and said, loudly, “Shit, remember how they locked us out of the hotel room?” To me, he said, “This is hilarious, man. Hilarious. They locked us out, and they were so into it, they didn’t even hear us knocking. We had to sleep in the friggin’ hallway that night.”
Laughing, Josh said, “That girl was hella loud, too. Oh, Jere-uhhh-mi-uhhh . . .”
I saw red. Under the tables, I clenched my fists. I wanted to hit something. First I wanted to hit these two guys, and then I wanted to go find my brother and beat the shit out of him.
I jumped up from the table and made my way across the club, shouldering and pushing my way through the crowd until I got to the bathroom.
I banged on the door.
“Somebody’s in here,” Jeremiah slurred from inside. Then I heard him retch into the toilet.
I stood there another few seconds, and then I walked away, past our table and out to the parking lot.
chapter forty-seven
An hour later, the boys came back, drunk as skunks. I’d seen Jere drunk before, but not like this. He was so wasted, the boys practically had to carry him upstairs. He could barely open his eyes. “Belllllly,” he called out. “I’m gonna marry you, girl.”
From the bottom of the staircase, I yelled back, “Go to sleep!”
Conrad wasn’t with them. I asked Tom, “Where’s Conrad? I thought he was your designated driver.”
Tom was swaying upstairs. “I dunno. He was with us.”
I went out to the car, thinking maybe he’d passed out in the backseat. But he wasn’t there. I was starting to get worried, but just then I caught a glimpse of him way down the beach, sitting in the lifeguard stand. I took off my shoes and made my way over to him.
“Come down,” I called up. “Don’t fall asleep up there.”
“Come up,” he said. “Just for a minute.”
I thought about it for a second. He didn’t sound drunk; he sounded fine. I climbed up the side of the chair and sat next to him. “Did you guys have fun?” I asked him.
He didn’t answer me.
I watched the water lap along the shore. There was a crescent moon. I said, “I love it here at night.”
And then, suddenly, he said, “I have to tell you something.”
Something in his voice scared me. “What?”
Looking out at the ocean, he said, “Jere cheated on you when he was in Cabo.”
That wasn’t what I expected him to say. It was maybe the last thing I expected him to say. His jaw was clenched, and he looked angry. “Tonight at the club, one of his dumbass friends said something.” He finally looked at me. “I’m sorry you had to hear it from me. I thought you had a right to know.”
I didn’t know how to answer him. I finally said, “I already knew about it.”
His head jerked back. “You knew?”
“Yeah.”
“And you’re still marrying him?”
My cheeks felt hot. “He made a mistake,” I said softly. “He hates himself for what he did. I forgave him. Everything’s fine now. Everything’s really great.”
Conrad’s mouth curled in disgust. “Are you kidding me? He spent the night in a hotel room with some girl and you’re defending him?”
“Who are you to judge us? It’s none of your business.”
“None of my business? That shithead is my brother, and you’re . . .” He didn’t finish his sentence. Instead he said, “I never thought you’d be the kind of girl who would put up with that from a guy.”
“I put up with a lot worse from you.” I said it automatically. I said it without thinking.
Eyes flashing, he said, “I never once cheated on you. I never even looked at another girl when we were together.”
I slid away from him and started to climb down. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” I didn’t know why he was bringing any of this up now. I just wanted it all to go away.
“I thought I knew you,” he said.
“I guess you thought wrong,” I said. Then I jumped the rest of the way down.
I heard him jump down behind me, and I started to walk away. I could feel tears coming, and I didn’t want him to see.
Conrad ran up behind me and grabbed my arm. I tried to turn my head away from him, but he saw, and his face changed. He felt sorry for me. That only made me feel worse. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I shouldn’t have said anything. You’re right. It’s not my business.”
I spun away from him. I didn’t need his pity.
I started walking in the opposite direction of the house. I didn’t know where I was going, I just wanted to get away from him.
He called out, “I still love you.”
I froze. And then slowly, I turned around to look at him. “Don’t say that.”
He took a step closer. “I don’t know if I’ll ever get you out of my system, not completely. I have . . . this feeling. That you’ll always be there. Here.” Conrad clawed at his heart and then dropped his hand.
“It’s only because I’m marrying Jeremiah.” I hated the way my voice sounded—shaky and small. Weak. “That’s why you’re saying all this all of a sudden.”
“It’s not all of a sudden,” he said, his eyes locked on mine. “It’s always.”
“It doesn’t matter. It’s too late.” I turned away from him.
“Wait,” he said. He grabbed my arm again.
“Let go of me,” I
said, and my voice was so cold, I wouldn’t have recognized it. It surprised him, too.
He flinched, and his hand dropped. “Just tell me one thing. Why get married now?” he said. “Why not just live together?”
I had asked myself the same question. I still hadn’t come up with a good answer.
I started to walk away, but he followed me. He wrapped his arms around me, over my shoulders.
“Let go.” I struggled, but he held on.
“Wait. Wait.”
My heart was racing. What if someone saw us? What if someone heard? “If you don’t let go of me, I’m going to scream.”
“Hear me out, just for a minute. Please. I’m begging you.” He sounded strangled and hoarse.
I let out a breath. In my head I started to count backward. Sixty seconds was all he would get from me. I would let him talk for sixty seconds, and then I would go and not look back. Two years ago, this was all I wanted to hear from him. But it was too late now.
Quietly, he said, “Two years ago, I fucked up. But not in the way you think. That night—do you remember that night? The night we were driving back from school and it was raining so hard, we had to stop at that motel. Do you remember?”
I remembered that night. Of course I did.
“That night, I didn’t sleep at all. I stayed up, thinking about what to do. What was the right thing to do? Because I knew I loved you. But I knew I shouldn’t. I didn’t have the right to love anybody then. After my mom died, I was so pissed off. I had this anger in me all the time. I felt like I was going to erupt any minute.”
He drew his breath in. “I didn’t have it in me to love you the way you deserved. But I knew who did. Jere. He loved you. If I kept you with me, I was going to hurt you somehow. I knew it. I couldn’t have it. So I let you go.”
I’d stopped counting by then. I just concentrated on breathing. In and out.
“But this summer . . . God, this summer. Being near you again, talking the way we used to talk. You looking at me the way you used to.”
I closed my eyes. It didn’t matter what he said now. That was what I told myself.
“I see you again, and everything I planned goes to shit. It’s impossible. . . . I love Jere more than anybody. He’s my brother, my family. I hate myself for doing this. But when I see you two together, I hate him too.” His voice broke. “Don’t marry him. Don’t be with him. Be with me.”
