by Jenny Han
He looked down at me. “Are you marrying me to erase him?”
“No,” I said, and it came out more like a gasp. “No.”
“The thing is, Bells, I don’t believe you,” Jeremiah said, and his voice was strangely flat. “I see the way you look at him. I don’t think you’ve ever looked at me like that. Not even once.”
I jumped up and grabbed at his hands desperately, but he pulled away. I was breathing hard when I said, “That’s not true, Jere. It’s not true at all. What I feel for him is all memories. That’s it. It has nothing to do with us. All that’s in the past. Can’t we just forget the past and make our own future? Just the two of us?”
Levelly, he said, “Is it the past? I know you saw him over Christmas. I know you guys were together here.”
I opened my mouth, but no words came out.
“Say something. Go ahead, try to deny it.”
“Nothing happened between us, Jere. I promise you. I didn’t even know he was gonna be here. The only reason I didn’t tell you was—” What was it? Why didn’t I tell him? Why couldn’t I think of a reason? “I didn’t want you to be upset over nothing.”
“If it was nothing, you would have told me about it. Instead you kept it a secret. After all that stuff you said to me about trust, you kept that to yourself. I felt like shit for what I did with Lacie, and you and I weren’t even together when it happened.”
I felt sick inside. “How long have you known?”
“Does it matter?” he snapped.
“Yes, to me it does.”
Jeremiah started to back away from me. “I’ve known since it happened. Conrad mentioned he saw you, he thought I already knew. So of course I had to play it off like I did. Do you know how stupid I felt?”
“I can imagine,” I whispered. “Why didn’t you say something?” We were standing only five or six feet away from each other, but it felt like miles. It was his eyes. They were so distant.
“I was waiting for you to tell me. And you never did.”
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I should have told you. I was wrong.” It was stupid. My heart was beating so fast. “I love you. We’re getting married tomorrow. Me and you, right?”
When he didn’t answer me, I asked again. “Aren’t we?”
“I’ve got to get out of here,” he said at last. “I need to think.”
“Can I come with you?”
This time the answer came swiftly, and it was devastating. “No,” he said.
He left, and I didn’t try to follow him. I just sank onto the steps. I couldn’t feel my legs. I couldn’t feel my body. Was this happening? Was this real? It didn’t feel real.
chapter fifty-three
Somewhere outside, a goldfinch was singing. Or maybe it was a song sparrow. My dad had tried to teach me the different kinds of bird songs, but I couldn’t quite remember.
The sky was gray. It wasn’t raining yet. But any minute now, it was going to pour. It was like any other morning in Cousins Beach. Except it wasn’t, because I was getting married.
I was reasonably sure I was getting married. The only thing was, I had no idea where Jeremiah had gone or if he was even coming back.
I was sitting at the vanity mirror in my pink bathrobe, trying to curl my hair. Taylor was at the beauty salon, and she’d tried to persuade me to get mine done there too, but I’d said no. The only time I ever got my hair done, I hated the way it looked. Like a beauty pageant contestant, stiff and high. I didn’t look like me. I thought that today of all days, I should look like me.
There was a knock at the door.
“Come in,” I said, trying to fix a curl that had already gone limp.
The door opened. It was my mother. She was already dressed. She was wearing a suit jacket and linen pants and was carrying a lemon yellow envelope. I recognized it right away: Susannah’s personal stationery. It was so like her. I wished I was worthy of it. It hurt to think that I had let her down like this. What would she say if she knew?
My mother closed the door behind her. “Do you want me to help?” she asked.
I handed her the curling iron. She set down the letter on my dresser. She stood behind me, sectioning my hair off into thirds. “Did Taylor do your makeup? It looks nice.”
“Yeah, she did. Thanks. You look really nice too.”
“I’m not ready for this,” she said.
I looked at her in the mirror, winding my hair around the barrel, her head down. My mother was beautiful to me in that moment.
She put her hands on my shoulders and looked at me in the mirror. “This isn’t what I wanted for you. But I’m here. This is your wedding day. My only daughter.”
I reached over my shoulder and took her hand. She squeezed my hand tight, so tight it hurt. I wanted to confide in her, to confess that things were a mess, that I didn’t even know where Jeremiah was or if I would be getting married after all. But it had taken her so long to get here, and if I raised one single doubt now, that would be more than enough for her to put an end to it. She would throw me over her shoulder and carry me away from this whole wedding.
So all that came out was, “Thank you, Mommy.”
“You’re welcome,” she said. She looked over toward my window. “Do you think the weather will hold?”
“I don’t know. I hope so.”
“Well, if worst comes to worst, we’ll move the wedding inside. No big shakes.” Then she handed me the letter. “Susannah wanted you to have this on your wedding day.”
My mother kissed me on the top of my head and walked out of the room.
I picked up the letter, ran my fingers along my name, written in Susannah’s smooth cursive. Then I put it back down on the dresser. Not yet.
There was a knock at the door. “Who is it?” I asked.
“Steven.”
“Come in.”
The door opened, and Steven came in, closing it behind him. He was wearing the white linen shirt and khaki shorts all the groomsmen were wearing. “Hey,” he said, sitting down on my bed. “Your hair looks nice.”
“Is he back?”
Steven hesitated.
“Just tell me, Steven.”
“No. He’s not back. Conrad went off to find him. He thinks he knows where Jere went.”
I let out a breath. I was relieved, but at the same time—what would Jeremiah do when he saw Conrad? What if it only made things worse?
“He’s going to call as soon as he finds him.”
I nodded, then picked up the curling iron again. My fingers trembled, and I had to steady my hand so I wouldn’t burn my cheek.
“Did you tell Mom anything?” Steven asked.
“No. I haven’t told anybody. So far there’s nothing to tell.” I wound a piece of hair around the barrel. “He’ll be here. I know he will.” And I mostly believed it.
“Yeah,” Steven said. “Yeah, I’m sure you’re right. Do you want me to stay with you?”
I shook my head. “I need to get ready.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah. Just let me know as soon as you hear something.”
Steven stood up. “I will.” Then he came over and patted my shoulder awkwardly. “Everything’s going to work out, Belly.”
“Yup, I know it will. Don’t worry about me. Just find Jere.”
As soon as he was gone, I set the curling iron down again. My hand was shaking. I would probably burn myself if I didn’t give it a rest. My hair was curled enough anyway.
He was coming back. He was coming back. I knew he was.
And then, because there was nothing left to do, I put on my wedding dress.
I was sitting at the window, watching my dad string Christmas lights on the back porch, when Taylor burst into the room.
Her hair was in an updo, and it looked tight around her forehead. She was carrying a brown paper bag and an ice coffee. “Okay, so, I brought lunch, Anika’s helping your mom set the tables up, and this weather isn’t doing my hair any favors,” Taylor announced, al
l in one breath. “And I don’t know how to tell you this, but I’m pretty sure I felt a raindrop on the way inside.” Then she said, “Why are you already in your dress? There’s still loads of time before the wedding. Take it off. It’s going to get all wrinkly.”
When I didn’t answer her, she asked, “What’s wrong?”
“Jeremiah isn’t here,” I said.
“Well, of course he isn’t here, dummy. It’s bad luck to see the bride before the ceremony.”
“He’s not at home. He left last night, and he hasn’t come back.” My voice was surprisingly calm. “I told him everything.”
Her eyes bulged. “What do you mean, everything?”
“The other day, Conrad told me he still has feelings for me. And last night, I told Jeremiah.” I let out a breath that was more like a gasp. These past couple of days had felt like weeks. I didn’t even know when or how it all happened. How things got so confused. It was jumbling up in my mind, my heart.
“Oh my God,” Taylor said, covering her mouth with her hands. She sank down onto the bed. “What are we going to do?”
“Conrad went looking for him.” I was looking out the window again. My dad was finished with the porch, and he’d moved on to the bushes. I came away from the window and started unzipping my dress.
Startled, she said, “What are you doing?”
“You said it’s going to wrinkle, remember?” I stepped out of the dress, and it slipped to the floor, a silky white puddle. And then I picked it up and put it on a hanger.
Taylor put my robe over my shoulders, and then she turned me around and tied the sash for me like I was a little girl. “It’s going to be okay, Belly.”
Someone knocked on the door, and both our eyes flew over to it. “It’s Steven,” my brother said, opening it. He came in and shut the door behind him. “Conrad got him back.”
I sank onto the floor and let out a big gust of air. “He’s back,” I repeated.
Steven said, “He’s showering, and then he’ll be dressed and ready to go. Go get married, I mean. Not leave again.”
Taylor knelt down next to me. Perched on her knees, she grabbed my hand and entwined my fingers with hers. “Your hand is cold,” she said, warming it with her other hand. Then she said, “Do you still want to do this? You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.”
I squeezed my eyes shut. I had been so scared he wasn’t going to go come back. Now that he was here, all the fear and panic were rising up to the surface.
Steven sat next to me and Taylor on the floor. He put his arm around me, and he said, “Belly. Take this however you want to take it, okay? I have five words for you. Are you ready?”
I opened my eyes and nodded.
Very solemnly he said, “Go big or go home.”
“What the hell does that even mean, Steven?” Taylor snapped.
A laugh escaped from deep down in my chest. “Go big or go home? Go big or go home.” I was laughing so hard, tears were running down my cheeks.
Taylor jumped up. “Your makeup!”
She grabbed the box of tissues on the dresser and wiped my face delicately. I was still laughing. “Snap out of it, Conklin,” Taylor said, shooting a worried look at my brother. The flower in her hair was askew. She was right: the humidity wasn’t doing her hair any favors.
Steven said, “Aw, she’s fine. She’s just having a laugh. Right, Belly?”
“Go big or go home,” I repeated, giggling.
“I think she’s hysterical or something. Should I slap her?” Taylor asked my brother.
“No, I’ll do it,” he said, advancing toward me.
I stopped laughing. I wasn’t hysterical. Or maybe I was, a little bit. “I’m fine, you guys! Nobody gets to slap me. Geez.” I stood up. “What time is it?”
Steven pulled his cell phone out of his pocket. “It’s two o’clock. We still have a couple of hours before people get here.”
Taking a deep breath, I said, “Okay. Steven, will you go tell Mom I think we should move the wedding inside? If we push the couches to the side, we can probably fit a couple of the tables in the living room.”
“I’ll get the other guys on it,” he said.
“Thanks, Stevie. And Taylor, will you—”
Hopefully, she asked, “Stay and fix your makeup?”
“No. I was going to ask if you could get out too. I need to think.”
Exchanging looks, the two of them shuffled out of my room, and I shut the door behind them.
As soon as I saw him, everything would make sense again. It had to.
chapter fifty-four
CONRAD
I woke up that morning to Steven shaking my bed. “Have you seen Jere?” he demanded.
“I was asleep until three seconds ago,” I muttered, my eyes still closed. “How could I have seen him?”
Steven stopped shaking the bed and sat down on the edge. “He’s gone, man. I can’t find him anywhere, and he left his phone. What the hell happened last night?”
I sat up. Belly must have told him. Shit. “I don’t know,” I said, rubbing my eyes.
“What are we gonna do?”
This was all my fault.
I got out of bed and said, “Go ahead and get dressed. I’ll look for him. Don’t tell Belly anything.”
Looking relieved, he said, “Sounds good. But shouldn’t Belly know? We don’t have a ton of time before the wedding. I don’t want her to get ready and everything if he’s not coming.”
“If I’m not back in an hour, you can tell her then.” I threw off my T-shirt and put on the white linen shirt Jere had made us all buy.
“Where are you gonna go?” Steven asked me. “Maybe I should go with you.”
“No, you stay here and take care of her. I’ll find him.”
“So you know where he is, then?”
“Yeah, I think so,” I said. I didn’t have a clue where that bastard was. I just knew I had to fix this.
On my way out, Laurel stopped me and said, “Have you seen Jere? I need to give him something.”
“He went out to get something for the wedding,” I said. “I’m going to meet him now. I’ll give it to him.”
She handed me an envelope. I recognized the paper right away. It was my mom’s stationery. Jere’s name was written on the front in her handwriting. Smiling, Laurel said, “You know, I think it might be nicer this way, coming from you. Beck would like that, don’t you think?”
I nodded. “Yeah, I think she would.” There was no way I was coming back without Jere.
As soon as I was outside, I sprinted to my car and just gunned it out of there.
I went to the boardwalk first, then the skate park we used to hang out at as kids, then the gym, then a diner we’d stop at on the way into town. He’d always liked their strawberry milk shakes. But he wasn’t there. I drove around the mall parking lot. No car and no Jere. I couldn’t find him anywhere, and my hour was almost up. I was screwed. Steven was going to tell Belly, and then this would be just one more, epic time I messed up her life. What if Jere had left Cousins completely? He could be back in Boston for all I knew.
It would have been great if I had some sudden epiphany, some insight into where he was, seeing as how we were brothers. But all I could do was run down the list, every place we ever went. Where would Jeremiah go if he was upset? He’d go to my mom. But her grave wasn’t here, it was in Boston.
In Cousins she was everywhere. Then it came to me—the garden. Maybe Jere had gone to the garden at the shelter. It was worth a shot. I called Steven on the way over. “I think I know where he is. Don’t tell Belly anything yet.”
“All right. But if I don’t hear from you in half an hour, I’m telling her. Either way, I’m kicking his ass for this.”
We hung up as I pulled into the women’s shelter parking lot. I saw his car right away. I felt a mixture of profound relief and dread. What right did I have to say anything to him? I was the one who was responsible for this mess.
Je
re was sitting on a bench by the garden, his head in his hands. He was still in last night’s clothes. His head snapped up when he heard me coming. “I’m warning you, man. Don’t come near me right now.”
I kept walking. When I was standing right in front of him, I said, “Come back to the house with me.”
He glowered at me. “Fuck you.”
“You’re supposed to be getting married in a couple of hours. We don’t have time to do this right now. Just hit me. It’ll make you feel better.” I tried to pick up his arm, and he shoved me off.
“No, it’ll make you feel better. You don’t deserve to feel better. But after the shady shit you pulled, I should beat the crap out of you.”
“Then do it,” I said. “And then let’s go. Belly’s waiting for you. Don’t make her wait on her wedding day.”
“Shut up!” he yelled, lunging at me. “You don’t get to talk to me about her.”
“Come on, man. Please. I’m begging you.”
“Why? Because you still love her, right?” He didn’t wait for me to answer. “What I want to know is, if you still had feelings for her, why did you give me the go-ahead, huh? I did the right thing. I didn’t go behind your back. I asked you, straight up. You told me you were over her.”
“You weren’t exactly asking for my permission when I walked in on you kissing her in your car. Yeah, I still gave you the go-ahead, because I trusted you to take care of her and treat her right. Then you go and cheat on her in Cabo during spring break. So maybe I should be the one asking if you love her or not.” As soon as I got the last word out, Jere’s fist was connecting with my face, hard. It was like getting hit with a ten-foot wave—all I could hear was the ringing in my ears. I staggered backward. “Good.” I gasped. “Can we get out of here now?”
He punched me again. This time I fell to the ground.
“Shut up!” he yelled. “Don’t talk to me about who loves Belly more. I’ve always loved her. Not you. You treated her like garbage. You left her so many times, man. You’re a coward. Even now, you can’t admit it to my face.”
Breathing hard, I spat out a mouthful of blood and said, “Fine. I love her. I admit it. Sometimes—sometimes I think she’s the only girl I could ever be with. But Jere, she picked you. You’re the one she wants to marry. Not me.” I pulled the envelope out of my pocket, stumbled up, and pushed it at his chest. “Read this. It’s for you, from Mom. For your wedding day.”
